Finding Hope Once More

Both kids are finally asleep. One day they will both be asleep in their own beds, that will be a glorious day. The sink is empty,  all dishes clean minus a  dish and fork that my husband ate dinner with. Our house has the floor vacuumed (though not upstairs, that’s a disaster! If then downstairs is clean I can try to pretend we have an ounce of our lives organized and in order). Corners and surfaces above the floor are cluttered with mess and random junk I need to go through and put away properly or toss. In all actuality I should start to recycle at least the papers at the very least but that takes organization and effort. Both of which I feel I am desperately lacking lately. My patience is short and my temper is big. I’ve felt like I’ve been running on E and cuss words lately. No joke. This girl definitely hadn’t been looking to Jesus in the way that I know I should.

This past month we were blessed with both our washer and a part on our well breaking (water stopped when I had a few meager inches of water naked in the tub. At least it wasn’t the shower all soapy but still...That was fun). Thankfully both are able to be fixed for under 350 combined. So thankful that both were simple. Oh and I figured out how to change the flusher on our toilet because that broke as well.

But the biggest thing that broke this month? My heart. Our fourteenth loss. I can’t even. I read back on my past 2 blog posts. I have decided I need to be all in for Jesus again. That’s the only way I can function with this pain that I carry in my heart. I talked to one of our providers at work. She asked if I needed to go to counseling and I told her blogging has been my therapy in the past. Blogging with the best wonderful counselor at my side. My father, my creator, my savior, and my hope for the future. The future where I get to finally one day see the beautiful babies that James and I have created but never met. My arms won’t be big enough to wrap around them all at the same time so it’s a good thing that heaven is for eternity.

I’ve been loving “The Water (Meant for me)” by I Am They lately. Here are the lyrics. They speak so much truth to my heavy heart.

This far, He has held us
Through the waters as they crash against
This far, He is with us, He is for us
Through the stormy depths
I will soar on wings like eagles
O God, You've carried me
This far, this far

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

This far, He has lead us
Through the darkness to the light of day
This far, He has shown us
Love and mercy and unfailing grace
When my hope is lost in the shadows
This promise, You have made
It's not far, not far

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us.

Be Still

This past weekend was the women’s retreat and it wasn’t the same as years past. I brought Gabby so sleep was a little more interrupted. Less games were played. Less middle of the night chats with friends. More baby snuggles and lots more gear was brought to the retreat.

More things I had never thought I would ever experience.

I missed the first session. My normal happy daughter was suddenly struck with a spirit that made her cry over every last little thing and I was suddenly short, angry, and so over her big emotions. I almost cancelled going to the retreat. No joke. It was so hard to get around, it was so hard to pack the van. It was HARD. After taking to Jen and telling her I wish I wasn’t going essentially. I yelled at Satan and told him he wasn’t going to steal my joy. He wasn’t going to pain my little girl any longer. And most importantly he wasn’t going to stand in the way of God and what he had for me at this retreat.

Then I waited 30 minutes in the Taco Bell drive through. I thought SERIOUSLY?!? But then the small joy was I was able to have Jennifer ride from charlotte to shipshewana with me.

So day 1 wasn’t what I anticipated. We missed the session. So I looked through a friend’s notes and looked forward to day 2.

Be still. What story did Ellen use? Hannah. Oh how this story speaks to my heart. I knew it was going to be good.

A few of my favorite things Ellen said was, “An untold story never heals.” And “Diaries might have ruined us if they continue to be the only place our secrets live. It’s time to expose our secret burdens.”

Maybe this is why I loved blogging while going through infertility. Or why I love writing for others to read if they so choose. It isn’t just for me. It’s the act of freeing this internal burden that I once carried and sharing it not only with others but with our Big Mighty God.

“When you feel God hasn’t fulfilled His promises or covenant you need to fall back on what you KNOW about God.”

I remember a breaking point in my faith. When I had to decide even if God didn’t give us a take home baby I would love Him anyway. I remember after each miscarriage after Matthew again with shaky faith asking God Why? I remember in the quiet stillness of the night while singing along to music and folding laundry I was asked in my heart if I believed he was the same God that created Matthew. And if he did it once, couldn’t he do it again? So I cried out yes! And waited. By loss number 13 my husband was ready for a vasectomy if it meant less pain. I was also trying to take back the reigns from God. I cried in my car one late night coming home from work. Crying out to God about the injustice of it all. And didn’t he promise me another baby? Did I hear him wrong? So he spoke to my heart again, “Do you want to build your family, or build my kingdom?” Was me having children more important than Gods plan for His kingdom of believers? So I prayed for my womb to be closed until he was ready to give me another take home baby. Two years ago at the women’s retreat I prayed for God to reopen it. One year ago I went to the retreat with a big round belly with Miss Gabby inside. This year I had her in my lap. And new prayers flowed from my heart.

For my momma to come to Jesus. For her to sit at a women’s retreat with me and find the love that God has for her. For Gabby and I to share sweet moments at a women’s retreat when she’s older. For Gabby to not have to find God the way I found God but to know Him all the days of her life.

For Matthew to have these moments with James. And late night conversations with me as he ages about the love of God or what Gods been teaching Him in the Bible. About scripture and about life in general.

Be Still. Stop rushing and waiting for the next phase. Flourish where you are planted. God is always available, just take the time to look to Him.

“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:3-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Hope Returns.

Last June was my last post on this blog. My belly woke me up this morning at 4 am ready for some food. The curse of a pregnant lady? To be in a hotel room at 4 am without her almost nightly snack of cereal whenever your belly says, "feed me!" I can't sleep because I am hungry and because of this amazing respiratory infection I have. So here I am writing at 4:30 in the morning while the boys sleep. 

Last June I was in a bleak bleak spot. My faith in God was growing weak because of the lack of hope that was in my soul. It must have been around then that our son was prompted by God to start praying nightly for a "baby brudder." Every night that I was home for bedtime, and sometimes when I was doing the dishes or snuggling him on the couch Matthew would say, "Let's pray for a baby Momma."

I remember one night after at least 2 weeks of these unceasing prayers, I finally broke down and cried out to God. For the first time in a long time, I let my guard down and my heart open up to Him about my hurt and fear. I specifically remember praying, "God do not let this little boy's heart be crushed like mine was. You know the desires of both of our hearts Lord. Do not take away his hope and childlike faith."

Around that time James and I started, yet again, to try living a healthier lifestyle. The Keto diet this time. In August I broke out in this crazy itchy rash that was ALL over. I thought it was a Keto rash, or possibly scabies, because you know...I'm a nurse and I don't do bugs. So naturally, that's where my head went. Almost 2 weeks of steroids were started and the rash faded.

What increased during the time of steroids was my fatigue, hunger, and insomnia. I decided everything was due to the steroids. I joked with the girls at work when my period was late that I would just take a pregnancy test so my period would show up. Well, that morning after work I took a pregnancy test. My period never showed up, but a bright pink second line did before I was even done going potty. 

I said choice words in disbelief (Holy Shit! Fuck! In case you were curious). I couldn't bring myself to celebrate. Others celebrated for me, but in those early weeks I couldn't. I was so pessimistic. With 13 miscarriages behind me I was less than optimistic. Then came the cost of lovenox, the blood thinnner that I need to be on for my clotting disorder and repeat miscarriages. It was over 700 a month. I cried bitterly, refusing to pay that much for another miscarriage to happen. So I bought like 5 injections at a time. Small steps in the right direction. In those first weeks we spent over $1,000 on this medication until my new doctor prescribed me heparin - much cheaper but also more of a pain, shots twice a day instead of once. 

I had an early ultrasound and the heartbeat was beautiful. James and I were in shock I think and feeling rather blessed to be looking and hearing a beating heart of another baby. My hope started to soar. Around 9 weeks I had a scare at work. I had a subchorionic hematoma seen on the first ultrasound. I hadn't had any spotting up until this point but had been warned that it could happen. I was so crampy that night at work. I was hydrating and praying against a miscarriage. When I went to the bathroom and found out I was spotting and passed a bright red dime sized clot. My heart dropped and I cried. 

Dr. Walker got me in before his office hours that morning. Our little nugget was thriving and well. He prayed with me before leaving that appointment and fear left me. I told my husband on my way home that I was tired of living in fear and that it was time to tell Matthew. I told him, that if we are sad over another loss that Matthew was a smart boy and would know something was wrong. We talked about if that was the road we ended up walking through that we would need to figure out how to walk it together as a family. 

Before telling Matthew about being pregnant, he solidified for me that things were probably going to be okay. He was playing with toys, when he simply looked up at me and said, "I'm probably going to have a baby sister before I have a baby 'brudder' and it's going to be okay." I had no doubt that God was speaking to him. Especially when I asked why he thought that and he responded, "Jesus told me."

When we shared with Matthew the ultrasound it was the most precious sight. I wish I could have taped it but it was so intimate and perfect. He initially believed that the heartbeat strip was a snake. Then slowly it hit him that it was a picture of a baby, and he guessed that it was him when he was a baby. Tears threatened to roll out of his eyes when we told him the picture was what was in my belly. He exclaimed, "It's probably my baby sister!" He told me that he was so excited that he might cry when I told him he was going to be a big brother. He was so overjoyed and it made James and I tear up to share this perfect moment with him. 

I retell of this story to say a year can change many things. My hope that was so dashed and torn last year is alive and thriving. Brought on by prayers from a 4 year old boy. Prayers that I definitely wasn't brave enough to initiate and pray for myself. My faith was failing. But the faith of our little Matthew was strong. 

I am 32 weeks. At the women's retreat I was retelling our story to the speaker of our infertility and repeat pregnancy loss, the blessing of our son, and our daughter that is currently growing in my womb. She reminded me, like my friend DeAnn did with Matthew, that I was like Hannah from the Bible. 

She took these precious moments that reminded me that God is faithful. I told her the name we had chosen and she said, "She who walks with God." She went on to say that like Hannah our babies will be special. That while every child is special ours will be even more so and definitely be used by God. She prayed over Gabby and I. My spirit was lifted, and I was reminded: God is enough.

God is enough for every situation. My heart may change. The years may pass. My emotions may change. The years may pass. My emotions change. But God never changes. God is steadfast and remains the same. He cares for me in every situation. Even when I didn't have faith to give him the time of day. 

This week my devotional has me reading 1 Samuel. It brings back all the feels. The same God that saw Hannah's hurting heart is the same God that sees me. He's the same God that sees you in whatever your life circumstance is. Don't lose hope. Cling to Him. Because our God is faithful. Even when our faith is week. 

Hope

Can I be honest with you for a moment? Facebook reminds me today that in 2012 we announced that we were finally expecting Matthew. In 2015 I posted on father's day about never knowing if we would ever get to be parents. And where am I at in 2017? Lost at sea possibly, lost among dreams never realized, among pieces of broken heart, on tear stained ground that once held a sea of tears that has long dried up.

Every month and year that passes, if I'm honest with myself, my hope for the future slowly dies. The hope for future children that is. If I'm ever so honest with myself my faith in God starts to fade as my hope dies. I'm fairly certain they go hand in hand. When I am walking closer with God, I know that He holds my babies in His hands. I know that one day Matthew will (probably) have a sibling. I know whose I am and who I am. I don't know how it happens, slowly day by day I turn away from God and choose to follow attainable fleshly desires instead of those that threaten to hurt my heart.

I used to have this amazing community online of fellow bloggers that I felt like I truly knew and connected with because we were walking the same path together. Now a days, I feel like a stranger to most people. How many people have you met that have lost as many babies as we have? How do I relate to people that can accidentally look at someone the wrong way and get pregnant? Why did the Lord place the desire in me to be a labor and delivery nurse? Seems bizarre to me, "I think we'll let her have infertility and joy in working with mom's and babies." I have lost my joy in the Lord lately friends. Stuck between loss of hope and fear to hope once more. That's where I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a dismal place truly.

Because when you lose hope in one area of your life I think it saps energy and hope from other areas of your life. It saps joy from all other aspects. It's this horrid cyclic event that is never ending until you focus your eyes on Jesus. And I guess that's what I am going to try to do. I might be struggling to stay above water but at least I know the one who created me in His image, no matter how often I may think he created me quite imperfectly (Hello unicornuate uterus and my plethora of issues).

Today I am praying along side of Psalm 38. The cry of David asking God to remember him. I know that our God is a God who bows low to listen to the cries of my heart. They do not enter a deaf ear. Something I am trying to reteach myself. I'm trying to remind myself that there is always room for hope because God is a God who loves and who hears my every cry.

"I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."

Psalm 38:8-9

"I am waiting for you, O Lord..."

Psalm 38:15

"Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God. 

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior."

Psalm 38:21-22

Struggle Bus

Lately I have been the driver of the struggle bus. No joke. Everything seems hard. My anxiety is coming back. I may need to get back on medication type of anxiety.

I used to be able to write without worrying who would read or what they would think. Sometimes I don't know that lady anymore. Sometimes I am just exhausted 24/7 and I think it is working night shift.

Other times I remember giving up caffeine when I wanted to get pregnant so badly. I was working nights. I spent time alone with God quite often. We made it to church weekly. I didn't go to Bible Study but we met with friends more frequently. Working nights I was able to exercise daily and somehow have energy on my days off.

My lifestyle lately is so different. Night shift has me a zombie during the daylight hours. On days off Matthew and I have been known to sleep in until 10 or 11. I feel like a slug and slowly beginning to look like one as more days then not I become one with the couch and my double chin eats my neck.

You can laugh. But I'm being honest here.

I started playing my clarinet in a band which was so good for me...but it also meant giving up Women's well. I stopped going to my Bible Study. And the only group I remained somewhat connected to was my MOPS group because I signed up to serve. We have transitioned from the family that used to go to churc weekly sometimes for both services to going like once a month.

If I am placing my feet in a church service once a month you can probably imagine how often my hands and eyes are on a Bible. I just went 8 days without barely batting an eye at reading the devotions on my phone.

The same phone that comes with me everywhere. It's so annoying.

Tonight a good reminder came from Matthew as he, in his overly tired state, sobbed that our gold impala is (finally) going to the junk yard tomorrow. He sobbed that he loved the gold car. That it was fast, his favorite. That he wished we had put new parts on it to drive it instead of our red car. He was a hot mess.

And then God spoke to both of us at once. I told Matthew about how the Bible says not to store up our treasures on Earth. That the things here don't matter because they aren't alive and won't spend forever with God.

His 4 year old response? "I don't want them to take the car to the crusher machine. I don't want the car to get killed."

I tried explaining that things like cars aren't alive. I don't think I got through. But man alive it was so sweet to see him sobbing and saying good bye to that Gold rust bucket. But I couldn't help but wonder how often God feels like that about me? The parent bemused that the kiddo isn't comprehending the life lesson that's trying to be taught.

Probably too often if I am honest.

I'm doing a devotion on walking with God through Miscarriage on my Bible app. It said, "God wants our trust put in Him alone, not our circumstances.  God has allowed certain circumstances in each of our lives so that we can in return use these experiences to bring Him glory as well as help others who are going through the same thing."

In the past I have known this and clung to it. Lately I haven't been thinking at all about God instead thinking about me and earthly things. So here's to hoping for change. And the Bible says all that hope will not be put to shame. ♡

Dear me.

Hey there,
It's been awhile. And this is going to get kind of personal. And real. I haven't spent time with pen against paper or fingers against keyboard. Unless it has been to chart or write down frequency and duration of contractions or charting on my patients.

Meanwhile, my heart feels further and further from God. If I'm honest further and further from myself and from my husband. I'm not myself lately. And I know where it stems from.

Usually my identity is in Christ. The past year or so my identity has been Jessica...a labor and delivery nurse. Jessica a mom to Matthew. Wife to James. A sometimes funny lady who cares about others. A lady who says bad words more frequently. A lady who doesn't invest in friendships, her marriage, or her relationship with Christ. A lady that says more and more mean and sarcastic things. A lady who has started to wonder how I used to be the person who leaned on God as much as I used to. It's messed up.

I found a 3 page journal entry while cleaning yesterday. It was admit my nursing school notes. My heart was so open and honest with Christ. Honest with where I was at in life. I haven't been there in a long time.

It was so raw and you could sense the eager yearning to be in the presence of Christ. I have somehow lost that burning fire at the moment. I have instead turned to myself to do life on my own accord. I have become something of a shadow of my old self. The self that I was before I came to know Christ.

So dear me...I guess this is my official resignation to stop living that life. That life for me. That selfish lifestyle. This is my declaration that things are going to get better. Things do not fill your cup. Christ does.

Life has its ups and downs but seriously your valleys away from Christ shouldn't last this long. Get your act together sister.

Sincerely,
The fed up version of you.

Broken Record

The last post I wrote was last August. About my walk with God and how it hasn't been a priority in my life. Well it's now May and I sit in the same spot. Actually maybe further from where I was because occasionally I feel the pull to get closer to Christ and instead choose to play some version candy crush or eat some more chocolate. Or binge watch my newest obsession. Which recently was re-reading and then re-watching all of the Harry Potter books and movies.

Yesterday Matthew and I went to kindergarten round up. He struggled on his little test with the teacher, who was cute and younger mind you, something that makes Matthew zip his usually chatty mouth. He did what I expected. He couldn't say his ABCs, count to 10, or do all of his colors in the presence of this beautiful lady. He's such a boy. I know this. But insert mom guilt.

Have I made the wrong choice not doing preschool? How is he going to go to school 5 days a week when he hasn't had to go at all? Doesn't our society demand too much learning on our kids too young now a days? Should we home school after all? Am I capable enough to home school if he doesn't even know those mere basics in front of pretty ladies?

Or how about this past Monday when we went to the dentist, which I knew it had been awhile. I'm a self titled slacker mom. It's been over a year, maybe closer to 2. I'm learning I am a person that has to have a dental appointment on the calendar set up early or it doesn't happen time gets away from me. But alas, this dental appointment pushed in those "bad mom fangs". And I've been having a hard time extracting them from my thoughts and heart. Not only will my son likely be a toothless wonder with all four front teeth missing for his first day of school but he also doesn't know his ABCs.

This anxiety and self-doubt isn't about Matthew. I know he is smart. He's fun. He's loving. As others say to sum it up, "He's a hoot!" I don't know a person that has met Matthew that hasn't fallen in love with who he is in a whole. And that means I'm not a bad mom.

Add all of these crazy feeling up with the fact that the ugly day of Mother's day is coming up and all the mixed emotions that my heart feels towards this day. And that my period is taking it's sweet ass time to get here. Hormones talking, don't mind me. It leave me wallowing in self-pity once more.

Tears in my eyes, thinking to myself, "Maybe I'm a bad mom and that's why God hasn't allowed us to have more babies." There I said it. Logically I know this isn't true. God give babies to crack addicts and child molesters, which I assure you I'm clearly neither of these. But I may have had the thought of being a real life baby snatcher to one of these types of parents.

So here I am, Matthew is 4.5 years old. James and I have been married for almost 8 years. And here I sit on the couch tearing up over thinking I'm a bad mom. I'm 60 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant with Matthew and struggling to find truth. I turn off the TV and do something I haven't done in quite sometime. Turn up the worship, open up my Bible app and read. Asking God to show me the real truth.

The verse of the day is Hebrews 11:1, "Faith shows the reality of what we hope for, it is the evidence of things we cannot see." I smiled a little and knew the it was what I needed today. I read Chapter 11. The chapter on great faith. Something I have been lacking lately.

Spattered among the great giants of our faith were verses I had previously highlighted. Words that spoke truth to me and took me away from the edge that I was teetering on labeling me a parenting failure. My eyes have not been on Christ. So I, like a broken record, am at the same spot I have been for a few years now off and on. Trying to clear the brambles in the way of the unkempt path that is my walk with Christ.

Simply Tuesday

The past year several years I have struggled to consistently keep Jesus as my guide and first in my life. Sometimes I feel like that person who is able to not stand still against the waves of life. Or the seed that falls on the different grounds other than fertile soil. Except for when things get tough, my faith usually gets stronger. I tend to have my faith grow much like that of a Yo-Yo diet. I do awesome for awhile but then things are going well so...I decide it isn't as important. When things are going well...well, I tend to make due with what's going on in life and put God on the wayside. Like maybe on the 19th floor in the Wayside School books by Louis Sachar (P.S. I had to look the author up, I am not that good. But if you or your kids haven't read them I remember thinking they were hilarious in Elementary school). You know, the 19th floor right? The floor that well...doesn't exist.

Yup I said it. Sometimes I act like I am more part of the world than a child of God. My Bible has been read sporadically at best this past year. My prayer life has been pretty dry, only because I not offer up the cup to feel refreshed. We haven't tithed more than a meager amount during our "good months". When I don't have accountability with others to keep me looking for Christ in the midst of life things become a hot mess in the faith department. Sure I notice Him during the "big" times but what about in between? 

Tonight I decided to pull the plug and dive into a closer relationship with Christ once more. Even if it means watching fewer Bones episodes or drooling over new LuLaRoe patterns and styles. I bought Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman sometime in May. It has been on my wishlist to read since attending Momcon last year when I heard her speak. Instead of reading it right away it has sat, collecting dust (because who has time to dust when there are unwatched episodes of Bones or LuLaRoe clothing to be discovered and stalked), on my end stand or on the floor next to it for the past 3 months. 

Earlier today I actually thought, "How do people find time to read anymore? I really should find the time." Simply...they don't watch Bones and drool after LuLaRoe (or insert whatever it is that consumes your time). So here I am, on Tuesday...starting Simply Tuesday. And let me tell you, I don't think it is going to disappoint.

So often we yearn for the big, important things in life...fame, recognition, being honored or acknowledged. We wish to have nicer things and to make more money to do things like go on vacation or purchase a newer vehicle. While those things are nice, it's now how most of our days are spent. Emily states, "Most of life happens, not in brightness or in darkness, but in the medium light of a regular day." 

Where are you getting your light from on your regular days? Are you searching for worldly things to give you light? Trying to work harder to be acknowledged and seen by the world? Or does your light come from your faith in Christ as he shines out from you to the world? Are you embracing your smallness. The moments where you are able to talk about Christ to patients or coworkers in a fleeting moment. Or the moments when you are picking up toys for the 15 millionth time in the day (or your husbands socks!)? Or what about when you are doing dishes or cooking dinner? These moments matter. So isn't it time we embrace these moments and seek God out during these times? It is time for me to embrace that cleaning up my house is a blessing because it means that we have these things to take care of. I have food to cook so it means we will not go hungry. I may not have all the things in life that I desire, but God has given me what I need. It's time to find contentment among the ordinary business of life. 

It's time to discover Christ in the midst of my ordinary days. Why don't you join me? Christ never disappoints, He is always available to chat, and He is yearning for you to draw nearer to Him. 

Confession.

Confession: I hate Mother's Day.

I love my mom and am beyond thankful for her....but I hate Mother's day.

Some years I see Mother's Day as a hallmark holiday.

Most years all I see is the pain of all the women that are childless. Those that yearned to be mothers but life didn't have it in her cards.

This year I saw it with potential and hope of a day to celebrate women who parent children, either their own or others.

But I still felt sad. It is a tainted "holiday" for me. I see posts of mothers with all their children and think about all of our babies. The ones that made me a mother without recognition from this world.

13 babies in heaven, and one little miracle. Matthew.

My cup is full but still feels empty some days. An ache that never fully goes away.

In Sunday school we were asked to reflect on a time we questioned God's goodness. I had held back the tides of sadness pretty well all morning and then it all came crashing into me. Our infertility. Our losses. I questioned God's goodness. I questioned His plans for my life. I almost walked away from God during the most bitter angry moments in my life.

I held tears back for the most part. But the excitement of Mother's Day was gone for me at that point.

I hate Mother's Day. I nominate a change to Women's Day. But that probably would be politically incorrect.

Let's celebrate the women in our lives that have impacted our lives or our children's lives. Ministry workers. Aunts. Grandparents. Babysitters. Friends.

I am beyond thankful for the women that have influenced my life from my mom, my grandmothers, my aunts, my mom's friend Faith, Chris Coddaire and other girl scout mom's, my friends' mothers, my friends, those that teach my son at church, and those watched him endless hours during nursing school.

But I have to confess in all honesty.
I hate Mother's Day.

Bittersweet

Tonight I was pouring my heart out to God. Sorting through left over, painful scars from infertility. Wounds that I wish would heal without anymore pain.

Wounds that I wish I could forget most days. Wounds that I feel have tainted my joy for others some days. Especially when I see reflections or remember where we were 4 years ago. Facing our fifth loss with only a tiny thread of hope left. Only to have Christ sweep in and deliver this amazing little miracle to us, our goofy boy named Matthew.

You see, I want to fully rejoice with those who rejoice over having a baby instead of the painful reminder bubbling up time and time again. I desperately want Christ to remove our infertility or to remove the pain and desire to carry another baby in my womb.

And then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, "Do you want another baby more? Or would you rather build my kingdom?"

I don't know fully the meaning of it. But I do know with my heart and soul I do not want to get in the way of God. I want people to choose Him. I know our story can be part of that. But it is so darn hard to walk this path.

I am learning so many things about myself since starting this antidepressant/antianxiety medication. Feeling things I haven't allowed myself to feel in quite some time. I carry a wounded heart that only Jesus can heal. A wounded heart that he looks at and sees a masterpiece in the making. Even if I am feeling like a mess in the moment.

It's a little bittersweet to know that because of my hope in Christ it makes it possible to have hope in circumstances such as these, even when the sense of hopelessness tries to take over. It is bittersweet to know that even in my brokenness God wishes me no harm, but rather to use it for His Kingdom. Some days my heart says, "Bring it!" And other says, I want to hide and not move from my couch.

And then I hear the sweet whispers of Christ, in the midst of the darkness, crying out to me, come home. Let me tell you all that you have ever done. Let me help you walk through the tough times. Let me help you find joy and laughter once more.

And I answer, Lord I am coming. Help me walk through this. Let me see my life through your eyes.

Raw.

Lately it has been pretty chaotic and stressful here at the Hillard household. Sickness has been keeping a hold of me. Between sinus infection that would not clear up, migraines from high blood pressure, anxiety, a stomach bug, and oh did I mention high blood pressure and anxiety?

I have been struggling with sleep for a long time now, but it has culminated itself in exhaustive zombie modes brought on by insomnia. I have had nights where I literally feel so exhausted and go from area to area trying to sleep. At one point I may have lied on the couch and hit my pillow because I was so frustrated and wanted to sleep. My brain wouldn't shut off about all the anxieties of the day, or the anxieties of what the future may hold.

I am usually able to function on minimal sleep. I can usually grin and bear it. I can usually formulate words when I am exhausted without much issue. Add anxiety and a "mild" depression as termed by my physician, I feel like a slobbering mess most of the time. I cannot tell you how many times over the walkie at work I have said to my staff mid sentence, or middle of a sentence that should be forming but is not coming out correctly, "I promise, I can say words....just maybe not right now."

I literally feel stuck to my couch some days with anxieties of all the to do lists that I have to do. Not joking. I can usually fake a smile when out and about or when I am able to forget everything that is pressing in around me...but lately the couch has been glued to my glutes. And my eyes glued to a screen. Counseling may be in my future. Which causes more anxiety because of finances.

I just kind of feel numb towards life lately. I miss laughing. Like big belly laughs with snorts included. Laughter until you cry. Carefree smiles and fun times with friends. I keep trying to tell myself once you are done with school. Or once finances start to look better. Or...you get the picture. But the fact of the matter is, I have been spiritually dry lately. 

I haven't been looking to Christ to fill me with his promises. It is so easy for me to keep my eyes on my circumstances of life when I take out Godly influences such as church, small group, and MOPs. Most of it isn't by choice, it is the season I am at in life. And the fact that I have been trying to fill myself up by the things at life that may fill my physical "needs" but do nothing for spiritual growth and sustenance.

I have now been taking an antidepressant for approximately a week. Let me tell you, it is amazing to sleep. I am sure the giving up caffeine on most days and doing my best not to nap is helping amazingly, but to sleep all night long?! What an amazing feeling!! I haven't slept this well in such a long time. Possibly since before having Matthew. I am not even joking, 3 years is a long time to live life on crappy sleep.

The day I made the phone call to ask for the doctor to squeeze me in to discuss an antidepressant I almost threw up. Literally, I choked back the taste in my mouth and felt so nauseated. How did I get to that pit? Last week I felt so raw with the realization that I had let myself believe the lies of Satan. I had taken my eyes off Christ. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped actively listening to worship music. Podcasts were not played. I stopped going to group even when I was able to go. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by life. I focused on the problems or potential problems of the future instead of remembering that my feet were on the rock and keeping my eyes above the waves of life. I was like that person tossed around by the sees of life.

Even now Satan tries to whisper to my heart at times, "See you are indeed that seed that was planted on crappy soil. You cannot even grow your roots down deep enough into Christ to live victoriously. You will always be bound in my chains." Admitting that makes my heart pound harder and faster.

Christ and the Bible teach the opposite. Christ was pierced for my transgressions, all of the sin of the past, present, and future were upon Him. Through His death the chains of sin were broken. Death couldn't hold Him down. And because of God's plan, the death and life of Jesus Christ, and the presence of the Holy Spirit I can live in victory. If only I make the conscious choice to do so.

Hope for the Holidays

This month I have been reflecting on how mighty our Lord is, and how I let life get me down. When feeling down the darkness invades and I cannot help but remember all of the heartbreak that holidays bring to so many. Us included. The ache from wanting a baby before we had Matthew, to the complicated ache that we now experience of wanting another child but not wanting to admit we want to try for another because of the multiple losses and heartbreak we experienced on that journey of actively trying to conceive. The ache of dreams not coming true, of babies that never got to know our faces. And then I see him. His name is Matthew. Our precious little miracle that You protected and brought into our lives.

Then I think of You God. All of the pain and joy you must have felt on the day of Christ's birth. The pain of knowing all that the future held for Jesus. The joy of seeing your son in the flesh, the joy of knowing all that would come to know you and be called children of God because of the sacrifices your son Jesus made for us. The sorrow of seeing your son treated as harshly as he was, the pain you had to feel for him as he was on the cross. 

You knew all of this at His birth. And yet you let Him live it, so he could be the sacrificial lamb that shows us the way to You Lord. My heart cannot even comprehend...

It brings me back to the moment where Jesus in Luke 22:42 says,
"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

It makes me think of the cup that you gave us. This bitter inducing cup of infertility and loss. And I think of all of the times I have asked you to take this cup from us. To heal me from infertility and bless us with healthy pregnancies. Yet, I desperately want your will to be done, not mine. So the cup stays in my hand, like that thorn in Paul's side.

You have given me so much strength in my weakness, strength that I would rather have never known. In circumstances that I wish would never have happened. Yet, especially during the holidays I find myself identifying with what the world would label me instead of who You call me. I struggle through feelings of inadequacy due to not being able to have babies without struggle, of not being able to purchase the presents that I wish we could give, of not having Christmas decorations up in a put together home. It emphasizes how much of a misfit I often feel in this world. It leads to more struggles with what the world may call me due to where we are in life. The more I hear the false identities of the world, the more I forget my identity in Christ. The less time I spend reading Your promises.

Lord even in the hardness of this Holiday season, my heart still wants more of you and less busy chaos. I pray that is the echo of my sisters in Christ as well. 

There are glimmers of hope and the cheerfulness of giving in this season that peak through the moments of sorrow and darkness. Spreading the light of Jesus, just when I needed it. When I get the text from a friend saying she wants to help me out around the house, something I had been praying for...real authentic friendship that sees a need and answers it. Someone that isn't afraid to step into this messy life I have and parent their children right beside us. To someone literally giving us a vehicle when James' truck broke down. Like literally GIVING us a car. This is the second time this has happened to us. I'm not kidding, why do I even question the goodness of you God? To the friend that in the midst of me feeling alone in my brokenness and hurting this holiday season says, "Jess, I had to step away from Facebook. The pregnancy announcements and babies were getting to me." She gets my heart and I get hers. We are excited for the women and their families, yet too often it feels like salt in our wounds and dashed dreams.

People ask what we are getting Matthew for Christmas. I answer a few small things. But what I really want Matthew to have for Christmas more than any play thing or gift under the Christmas tree is an authentic, real, giving heart that beats to the beat of Jesus and hands and feet that go where the Holy Spirit tells him to go. 

I started out this week feeling rather hopeless and disappointed by life. But it is the authentic, real people that pointed my focus back to Christ and showed me that there is hope to still have a Merry Christmas. There is still some happiness in the holidays. 

That my friends is what I want to give Matthew more than gifts under a tree. In the midst of hard times, I want him to know there is always hope in Christ.

Rollercoaster

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. My faith walk with God has felt like a roller coaster lately, except for the low points instead of feeling exhilarating with that pit in your stomach that brings excitement and adrenaline....the low points bring isolation, loneliness, condemnation from Satan, lies being whispered (or shouted) in your ear, and this leach that sucks joy from your life.

Yes this is where I have been. Disappointment with placement in clinical. Self condemnation for poor house keeping skills, condemnation for needing to finish school and work and have this beautiful blessing that most days I feel I do not deserve, and in turn start to believe that I am not deserving of another baby one day.

Listening more to what the world says gives me value. Comparing myself with others. Condemning myself for every little thing that I am not doing good enough, every little thing I am not able to hold up to standards set by myself. I haven't laughed much. I haven't read my Bible much. Praying comes at night time and during the day time often filled frustrated words, even sometimes filled with cuss words, towards God because I have been in this horrible place where my tongue has definitely not been tamed. 

I love the exhilarating heights and despise the isolating lows. And unfortunately in my walk as a Christian I have found myself in the pits more often than I would care to admit. And definitely more often than I believe Christ wants me there. 

I'm not certain what the walk with Christ is supposed to be like. I know that everyone's journey is different. But I am not certain how many Christians would agree that it feels like you are a passenger on a Rollercoaster ride. I believe our walks should be more like a dirt road where you continue on in spite of any bumps, rocks, potholes, or stinky roadkill. You don't mind pay much attention to the steep hills or winding paths because of your steadfast walk beside Christ. 

As much as I love Rollercoasters I am so ready to get off from this emotionally and spiritually daunting ride and trade it in for a more intimate, steady relationship with Christ.

October

This month stirs up so many emotions in me from reflecting upon those 5 precious lives we lost before Matthew, to the 7 we have lost since Matthew, to the women still walking infertility, to those wishing and praying for a precious baby to call their own after loss, to the parents that buried their babies that were called to heaven too soon, and the families of early loss that are left wondering if they had a son or daughter.

It makes my heart ache. It always has. Even before I walked this road I would cry when it was spoke about on the radio, cried as a friend reached out and told me about her loss and their struggle with trying to conceive.

In that valley, it can feel so dark. So lonely. So isolating. I turned my back on God during that time...going through the motions. I stopped praying. I stopped speaking to him. I focused on the pain, the hurtful words spoken unknowingly by others. Until one day late at night, doing laundry and listening to worship music...I found God again. Tears fell down my face as I declared it was enough. I was tired of feeling defeated. I was tired of feeling hopeless. I leaned on scripture harder than I can honestly say I have ever done in my walk with the Lord.

I wanted to be able to come out filled with joy and Jesus in spite of our circumstances so that this Psalm would be able to ring true for my life.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
PSALM 40: 3, NLT

I can't say that life has always been easy since that moment. Life seems to always get in the way of living with and for Jesus, doesn't it? At least for me anyways, I stumble and I fall but when I remember to find my footing on Jesus and seek the hope and joy that I have in Him and find the strength to face another day. Most of the time with the ability to smile and laugh at the day to come.

Infertility Strikes

I found this edited post back from January 2015, and it broke my heart to read it, but is such a great reminder of the rawness in my heart at times. 

I am most comfortable in my skin when there is a pen in my hand or facing a screen pouring my heart and soul into thoughts visible for the world to see. Much easier to pour the words out with tears running down cheeks than letting them flow uncomfortably in front of others at times.

My heart is breaking again. We are officially the most fertile infertile couple I know. Staying pregnant is our issue. I don't know which is worse, never seeing a positive test or now saying we have 12 babies in Jesus' lap. So many comments have came flooding in the past month and a half. "Maybe you guys should think about stopping trying." "Maybe you need to let your body rest." "Maybe you should take a break" "It's too painful to continue this way." "At least you have Matthew." "Again?!" And then the people that get it say things like "Matthew really is a miracle." "My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry."

I'm to the point that every baby deserves to be celebrated...but I am weary of the loss. The grief. The looks or comments that make me feel stupid for having hope. Much like the same voices that tried to make me doubt that whisper from God that he would bless us. When we were a year and a half into trying and 3 or 4 losses at that point.

I don't know why he chose this path for us to be on. I hate the fact that we have so many babies waiting for us in Heaven. Some days it makes me feel like a baby killer, other days it makes me so angry and sad that God would create life just to take it away.

It has impacted both of us terribly. My heart hurts on an almost daily basis. James has almost reached the last straw. We have to make a time to sit down and talk about how many more losses we will go through before James goes to get snipped. My heart mourns that talk, that decision, possibly as equally as our losses. Closing the door. Telling God we aren't welcoming him to move in the expansion of our family or having faith that he can sustain a pregnancy in my hostile uterus.

I wonder often if this ache is one that will never go away. It may fade but, you cannot erase the impact of infertility. It has drawn James and I closer together. It has put a wedge between some friends and family. It has wounded my ability to feel fully comfortable with friends at times because I have one foot in feeling infertile and yearning for more children and the other in motherhood. That might not make sense to some.

I know no one in person that has my same issues with infertility. It can feel lonely sometimes. Disheartening.  Maddening.

One thing is for certain I am not ready to throw in the towel but rather make sure we have the kitchen sink ready to be thrown at our issues before we close this door.

Obedience.

Things have not been rainbows and butterflies in the Hillard household lately. Things have been tough.

Times has been filled with me totaling out good vehicle (that was one way to get out from that debt I suppose...bright side? UGH), feeling like a failure at being able to lead a small group, dying appliances...and basically walking away from God. A couple of weeks ago I realized it had been a month since I had last read my Bible somewhat regularly. I felt like weeping, but still am struggling to change it.

God has been trying to woo me back to him. I was listening to a podcast from Impact Church in Lowell and it was on Ester. It was like God was speaking to my heart. In the story Jews are about to face a huge persecution from the King's right hand man. Ester is the King's wife. And she has never told him that she was a Jew! Talk about little talking before marriage! The man that had raised her growing up petitions her to talk to the King, break tradition and come before him and ask him to save them!

I felt like it was God saying to me. If you keep quiet at such a time as this, regardless of what is going on in your life, those in your life that aren't saved I will find a way to reach them, those that are hurting that you know? someone else will help them find relief. But what about your family? What about you friends? What if they die without knowing Christ? I made you for such a time as this, you are to grow where you are planted. Keep your eyes on me.

August 12th God tried to speak to me once more, wooing me closer to him. Making me ache for time with him. I posted on facebook what I heard him say to me, 

"You don't need to stay in the dry valley. Especially as long as you build your camp up in false comfort. You are meant to stand on me as your strong foundation. To rise on my wings like eagles, and to run without growing weary. Stop trying to face this world on your own strength. I know it is tough. But seek me first. Choose joy in the midst of it all. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to face these struggles without us on your side. Stop believing I don't know and don't care about what is going on in your life. Stop picking the burdens back up that you once laid at our feet. While you are weak, I am strong. So pack up your camp and let's get moving. I have bigger plans for you than this dry valley. It's time to bring your dry bones to life. ~ God."

But still I didn't take the time. We even saw prayers answered in receiving a used fridge for free. My little 2.5 year old son asks during prayer time to pray for the church, and doesn't settle when we just pray for Kilpatrick. He will repeat church again, and we pray for the community. When I ask him one more time what we should pray for he will again say the church until I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to move in the United States and in nations around the world that face persecution for their belief. Then he goes back to his routine of praying for Daddy, the gym, and various other people intermittently. Even talking about this makes my heart almost skip a beat and Godbumps to form. This little boy has been covered in so many prayers for him to help be a light in this world, and I in the same fear that I have towards God see the work that could be in effect from those prayers to God. 

But still I haven't made it a priority to seek God First. I have been praying on and off the past couple of days for God to return to being my first love. To seek first the Kingdom of God. But still haven't made the time to read my Bible daily. I feel guilty devouring the Left Behind Series once more when I should be looking forward to reading the Bible as eagerly as I have been listening to these stories. 

This weekend is the Engage conference at Kilpatrick. I looked forward to it expectantly. And I have not been disappointed. The answer has been here all along. We have been disobedient. We haven't tithed 10% consistently since before Matthew was born, and regular tithing has been as sparse as grass in the desert. If you are not obedient to God, how can the Holy Spirit dwell in you consistently?

Unsettled Heart

Everything going on the news....from sexual abuse to policy brutality, from the confederate flag to same sex marriage. It leaves my heart unsettled. My thoughts range from why do these things have to happen? to seriously it is a flag, who cares? To I am so sick of seeing all of this negativity on the news and my facebook newsfeed. Obviously the biggest thing today is the ruling on same sex marriage. I see everything from proud rainbows to very upset, to well meaning Christians that get into hearty often boisterous arguments (they may try to call them "discussions") on this topic. I see people saying they are deleting others, curse words piercing the air, and I sit back and I ponder.

How is this showing them Jesus? Jesus came for all sinners. It doesn't matter your sin, he is sovereign over all. This ruling did not catch Jesus by surprise. Does it mean we celebrate with those that choose that lifestyle? I'm going to be honest and say...I am not certain. Do you celebrate with an obese person at your church gathering? Or how about the man that has a secret addition to pornography? Do you sit next to a person in church that has a gambling problem? Or a person that is prideful? Do you attend their weddings? Do you lend ear to gossip as a Christian, and even in the church setting? If we say a sin is a sin is a sin....and as Christians continue in our sinful ways as we try to worship God and develop a deeper relationship with Him...isn't that just as sinful to God? I'm not certain. But I think it could be.

When it says do not judge others in the Bible...it means do not judge those that are not believers. Those that are not part of the church. We are to try and help those within the church to turn from their sinful ways. That is clear in the Bible. That includes homosexuality, just as it includes obesity, laziness, addition to cigarettes (not treating the body as a temple), drunkenness, slander and gossip, pride, premarital sex, pornography, or simply lust in general. Our government is not the church, it is clear we are a nation that no longer follows God's wishes for our lives. Therefore we cannot judge the choices the government makes. We simply have to continue to have hope and lean on the fact that Jesus is Lord. We have to pray for those that are unbelievers and our brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with any sort of sin.

When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.  But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that.  I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. 

 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 

Can you imagine how empty the seat in the church would be if we removed all the sinful from among us? Do you see what I am alluding to? The church should be a safe place for all who are broken. We are all sinners saved by grace. And ultimately this fighting over these things in the news recently is what makes Satan celebrate. After all, our fight is not with other humans really. Look up Ephesians 6:12, it lays it all out for you. Our battle is against the evil spirits in this world. They are celebrating that is for certain.

And I am pretty certain it grieves the spirit that these things are happening in the world today.  But I am 100% certain of something else, Jesus is still Lord over all. There is still victory on the cross. Unfortunately, the Bible already warned that times would be hard for families in the end of times. And to put it quite simply every day further from when Jesus was raised from the dead is closer to the end of times. Why are we surprised that things are falling farther and farther away from the path that God would deem righteous, right, and true?

There are many thoughts floating about my unsettled heart. I do think the day will come when Christians are punished extensively for speaking out about their beliefs. I do believe that one day there will be martyrs for the faith in the United States. People may be crying out to Jesus to come soon over this, but I am praying Jesus wait so maybe one more unbeliever can be saved. And I do believe that for unbelievers, who I am not to judge, that this certificate that the government is calling marriage will benefit their family units. I do not think that it changes the definition of what we as Christians see marriage. The government may redefine it as a union between any couple. But to us as Christians, marriage will always be a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. A cord of three, the leaving from two separate families to cleave to one another.

Where does that leave those that believe in Jesus, and struggle with their sexual orientation? Or their gender? Let me ask you a question...before you judge them, are you praying for them? Petitioning God for them. The best article I read today on this topic reminded the readers of the thorn in Paul's flesh that God did not take away. What if that is what their sexuality is like to them. How many lesbians, gays, bisexual, or transgendered people wish they could change the way they feel. And as believers in Jesus feel guilty, and may in turn feel unworthy of God's love and turn away from Him? I am sure there is too many to list. With marriage now being legal for these people, they have an even greater temptation to live outside of God's will. Especially with those inside the church believing that this sin of homosexuality is blacker than any other sins I listed above. Let those who have no sin cast the first stone. I am not casting a stone at fellow believers because they have different struggles than I do.

My heart feels unsettled and I think it is for one reason alone. Quite simply, His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. I am thankful the judging of who enters into heaven is not up to you or me.

Take the Time to Stop

Lately life has been going a mile a minute in the Hillard household, I have been working closer to full time hours, James is working full time and doing produce, and then there is Matthew - - - the busiest little boy I have met in a very long time.

I hate to admit it, but here is my confession. The first thing that goes for me is usually that quiet time with God when we are this busy. I crave it and yearn to have that time, but it seems I am never able to take that time with the Lord. I try to fill myself up with His word by listening to the Bible or Podcasts as I drive or do housework. But it is not enough, my soul yearns for the quiet moments in the house when all is still and God speaks to my heart because I have cleared my schedule to invite Him in. Without the quiet it's like stopping and looking at a friend and asking, "How are you doing?" If we keep moving about, and interrupt the conversation multiple times does that friend feel important in those moments? And are we truly listening to their heart's response to the question? No! They would probably give us the short answer, or if they were a bold friend say, "Hey, are you even listening to me? Are you sure you really want to know how I am doing?" Because the reality is that Jesus is our friend, God is our father - - - so why don't we stop to take the time to nourish that relationship? Why does it feel awkward sometimes to pray and listen?

We don't take the time to stop enough. We don't treat God as a friend. If your best friend suddenly was shifted up into a very important position of leadership, would you stop talking to them or joking with them in private the way that you used to? Would you not yearn to have those moments with them again? It is the same with God, He is All Mighty, and Powerful, and we should respect Him....but we should also come to Him in the good times, in the bad times, in the times when we feel overwhelmed, stressed, sad, angry, and bring all of these emotions to Him and lay it at his feet. Or if you are me - - - sometimes you feel like you are throwing rotten tomatoes at Him.

I felt like I was throwing the tomatoes at Him and saying, "Hello, remember me? My name is Jessica and I prayed that you would close my womb until YOU chose to bless us with another take home baby. How did this prayer get lost in translation? It's pretty cut and dry. Lord, I don't get it. Why don't you WANT to heal my womb? I know you can! Am I not good enough to have another baby? What is wrong with us? Why do others have babies abundantly without struggle and we sit here a total of 5 years trying and we have Matthew and 13 babies with you in Heaven?!?" Those thoughts and feelings went away soon after I threw them up to the Lord and they were replaced with peace. I have had this overwhelming peace, letting me know that I needed this pregnancy to know that He still would let me get pregnant, even after that prayer, because there was a fear within me that he would just stop and not allow another baby to grow in my womb. That maybe we would not ever have another take home baby. He didn't listen to my prayer because he knew my heart better than I thought He possibly could.

I just had to take the time to stop and let him speak to my heart. I had to push the lies out, and fill myself up with the promises of His word. Remind myself of my identity in Christ and not cling to the identities the world tries to attach to me. I just had this vision of a teenage girl walking down the hall and others are trying to stick papers to her with names the world wants her to believe she is - unworthy, shameful, a loser, unloved, unimportant, fat, ugly. And this girl was just looking so sad, she was down in the dumps. And then next thing I knew she was smiling with her head held up high, and she was holding up her identities in Christ as a shield - Forgiven, Loved, Treasured, Beautiful, Child of God, Chosen, Set apart. Adopted. I think we would all do better in this world if we picked up the Bible and remember the identity we have in Christ and stopped the world from trying to shove sticky notes on our soul of names that we should never claim or believe for ourselves. Ask God what names you have let the world trick you into believing, what titles he wishes for you to cast off from yourself and find your identity in Christ.

Take the time to stop, take the time to pray. What kind of believers in Christ are we if we do not take the time to talk and listen to Him? Clear 10 minutes in your schedule daily for God and go from there. That is my goal for this week, as meager as it sounds 10 minutes each day in prayer with God. And guess what? I am leaning on Psalms 5:3. "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." I am going to be expectantly waiting for God, for him to answer prayers and speak to my heart. As I make the time to meet Him each day how much more do I bring to Him so that His glory can be shown by answering prayers? Take the challenge. Let me know how it goes.

I See You

A post written on Mother's Day

To the women coming into church with disdain on your heart for this holiday.

I see you. You are not alone, though I hold the hand of our son the weeks I go to church I wish so desperately I could hold your hand and squeeze you tight and say, "Happy Mothers Day. No matter what others say, Mother's day is for all women."

To the woman who had a miscarriage this year with no living children.

I see you. I have been in your shoes. Happy Mothers Day to you, You are indeed a mom to your little one in heaven. This day is for you too. It's okay to cry. It's okay to skip church or society in general (may want to steer clear of Facebook as well).

To the woman who wished for a husband but he never came, and thus your dreamt children never came either.

I see you in your heartache and wistful thinking. God hears your prayers and he knows the pain this day brings you. Find joy in the fact that you help other mothers mother their precious children.

I see you. I too see the mothers able to celebrate this holiday haphazardly without thinking of the women on the other side fence wishing God would give them a leg up to join the side with the "real moms". I hear the questions, "Do you have any children?" And my heart aches.

People don't want to see the pain. People don't want to hear yes, I have 13 babies. 12 are with Jesus and Matthew is here with us.

People don't think when they ask that dreaded question on Mothers day, or about their tone when the person responds no. "Oh well, happy Mother's Day anyways." or "Well, then just enjoy your day."

Let's just celebrate women today. Their mothering caring hearts. Celebrate those that gave birth to babies. Those that lost babies pray with them and remember. For those that gave a baby up for adoption celebrate that they chose life and minister to them on this day. Thank the childless women in your life for all that they do for others. Pray for those without children today. 

Prayer

Here I sit, legs crossed. Francesca Battistelli's song "Find Rest" is playing. My soul is crying out along with it, "Find rest my soul, put your hope in God." Praying for the words to come to life in my fingertips. Trying to figure out the best way to reflect on what I am learning about prayer, and how to most effectively share with the ladies that have agreed to take this adventure with me.

I have been hearing this whisper to start another blog dedicated to women's ministry. I don't have a name for it yet, so this is me stepping out in faith asking for prayers for clarity, ideas to be God breathed and Holy Spirit led. A place where women can come as they are, in the sweat pants at home, or in stylish clothing at a coffee shop. A place to escape from the chaos of this world.  An online "home" where women can come without judgement from others to find the truth written in God's word, and how to apply it to their life. Where conviction from the Holy Spirit and encouragement collide and mix together enough to lead you towards the life that Jesus has planned for you.

I feel like I am grasping for words hidden behind a fog, I know that something big is coming, I can feel it. I 100% believe that God's hand is moving in this situation, and I am desperately asking for prayer, for faith to lean into God when I am unsure, for confidence when doubt is nipping at my heels, and for God to make a path before me clear and evident, even when I feel uneasy taking the next step.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of that! My mind feels like it is going 1000 mph at times with all the thoughts that crowd in.

So you may be wondering, what have I been learning about prayer?

When you invite the Holy Spirit into your prayer life, and pray with boldness before the feet of Jesus --- He answers your prayers!! Tangible real life prayers, answered before my eyes recently. First thing is first though, before your prayers can even be answered you have to pray!!

I took this idea from Praying for Your Elephant: Boldly Approaching Jesus with Radical and Audacious Prayer by Adam Stadtmiller (You can find it here). I have challenged my prayer group to make 10 categories and place 10 specific prayers under each categories, so 100 total, and make sure that you date them when you write them down. This will help us to be intentional with our prayers, help us to be reminded of what we need/want to be praying for, and for us to be able to see a tangible way that God is answering our prayers by being able to see what we had prayed and write ANSWERED and the date next to them. I think it is a good exercise! 

Before you start writing down your prayers I would say a prayer something like this,

"Lord, I come before you today and my heart is yearning to pray for the desires that you have placed in my heart. Please bring the Holy Spirit to give me discernment on what to pray about, help me to be specific and come before you unashamed of where I am at and what my heart cries out for. You are the author of my life, and I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in your image! Help me to be strong and courageous if you ask me to pray for something that seems outside of my comfort zone. Wash over me with your love and tenderness as I begin this task at hand..."

Put on some worship music and praise God for all that He is. Ask Him boldly without fear of being embarrassed or rebuked harshly. You are deserving because you are His adopted child, you are chosen and loved by our Heavenly Father. You are able to do whatever He calls you to. Pray for your heart to be able to hear His gentle whispers.  Pray that you will honor God with your prayers by having the faith to move mountains, faith as big as a mustard seed.

There are so many ways to pray! You can pray scripture for yourself, your family, your church, your community, Michigan, the United States, or even worldwide! You can grab some coloring supplies and doodle a prayer to God (examples here). You can pray head to toe over those you love. You can write in a prayer journal. You can pray as you drive, or with a group of people. You can pray sitting on your couch, on your knees, or prostrate before the feet of the Lord. 

Scripture says we are to pray continually. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

NLT16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

NIV16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Amplified Bible 16 Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); 17 Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; 18 Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Isn't it time we embrace that scripture and live it out? Rejoice! Find gladness and joy in your faith, and continue to pray with perseverance. Do not stop praying, have a heart of prayer from the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down to sleep. Continue praying until your heart beats its last beat. Find a way to be thankful in whatever circumstance that passes your way, yes even the bad stuff, the disappointing areas. Thank God for your life, for your faith, for his plan for your life. Surrender all of you to Jesus and find a way to see the blessing in whatever comes your way!

That should be a prayer of our hearts. Take the time to pray it out and listen to God about the areas that you need to surrender to Him and share it with a woman that you love and trust. Ask them to hold you accountable. Find a prayer partner and have an open authentic Christ centered friendship with them.

If you are interested in joining a small group of women praying for God to move within our lives, the community, and across the earth please let me know! We are just getting started and we would love to have you! Do not be afraid to ask if you are interested!