Finding Hope Once More

Both kids are finally asleep. One day they will both be asleep in their own beds, that will be a glorious day. The sink is empty,  all dishes clean minus a  dish and fork that my husband ate dinner with. Our house has the floor vacuumed (though not upstairs, that’s a disaster! If then downstairs is clean I can try to pretend we have an ounce of our lives organized and in order). Corners and surfaces above the floor are cluttered with mess and random junk I need to go through and put away properly or toss. In all actuality I should start to recycle at least the papers at the very least but that takes organization and effort. Both of which I feel I am desperately lacking lately. My patience is short and my temper is big. I’ve felt like I’ve been running on E and cuss words lately. No joke. This girl definitely hadn’t been looking to Jesus in the way that I know I should.

This past month we were blessed with both our washer and a part on our well breaking (water stopped when I had a few meager inches of water naked in the tub. At least it wasn’t the shower all soapy but still...That was fun). Thankfully both are able to be fixed for under 350 combined. So thankful that both were simple. Oh and I figured out how to change the flusher on our toilet because that broke as well.

But the biggest thing that broke this month? My heart. Our fourteenth loss. I can’t even. I read back on my past 2 blog posts. I have decided I need to be all in for Jesus again. That’s the only way I can function with this pain that I carry in my heart. I talked to one of our providers at work. She asked if I needed to go to counseling and I told her blogging has been my therapy in the past. Blogging with the best wonderful counselor at my side. My father, my creator, my savior, and my hope for the future. The future where I get to finally one day see the beautiful babies that James and I have created but never met. My arms won’t be big enough to wrap around them all at the same time so it’s a good thing that heaven is for eternity.

I’ve been loving “The Water (Meant for me)” by I Am They lately. Here are the lyrics. They speak so much truth to my heavy heart.

This far, He has held us
Through the waters as they crash against
This far, He is with us, He is for us
Through the stormy depths
I will soar on wings like eagles
O God, You've carried me
This far, this far

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

This far, He has lead us
Through the darkness to the light of day
This far, He has shown us
Love and mercy and unfailing grace
When my hope is lost in the shadows
This promise, You have made
It's not far, not far

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us

There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me

When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us.

I’ve repeated to myself more than once this past month the verse from Corinthians. “Persecuted, not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed” God used my brokenness to draw me closer to Him. Like He always does. This week I took my break at work and listened to my playlist from labor with Gabby. I cried and lifted my hands up to God as I walked a mile. I felt so much better after talking to him and just letting tears flow. To make it even better a precious friend I’ve known since middle school had messaged me before work that night letting me know she was praying for me. A little nudge from God that I wasn’t in this battle alone.

You see, at first I had believed the lie that I didn’t need to let others in to know about this loss. Because let’s be honest 14 losses is so many. So disheartening. I felt like no one wants to hear about another one of our babies that are with Jesus. Because it’s so easy for others to forget babies that are lost early. It’s easier to not share and just carry all that sadness and hurt alone.

Then I thought of my dear sister Missy that has been trying for almost 2 years without a positive test at all. And that pains my heart so. I remember how hard 3 months without a positive test was. Or how hard the 3 years of a closed womb before Gabby was. And I think she doesn’t want to hear about my loss and the anguish of my heart. She’s carrying enough pain and wishing and she doesn’t have 2 babies in her lap calling her momma. And Satan whispers, see why are you sad? This loss doesn’t matter you have 2 babies at home.

I’ve been an inward mess lately. Im not going to hide it any longer. I’m not going to believe the lies that this baby didn’t matter; that  I don’t matter. That I’m too much but not enough. I’m not going to believe that others look down on me with pity  because of our losses. I’m just going to take a step forward day by day with Jesus at my side and have faith that together we can clean up my life to make it fit on the path that leads to where he wants me, in order to grow in faith on this earth and ultimately change me enough so we can be united with God and our babies for eternity. Until then, I will cling to the hope that my babies will meet us one day.