Last June was my last post on this blog. My belly woke me up this morning at 4 am ready for some food. The curse of a pregnant lady? To be in a hotel room at 4 am without her almost nightly snack of cereal whenever your belly says, "feed me!" I can't sleep because I am hungry and because of this amazing respiratory infection I have. So here I am writing at 4:30 in the morning while the boys sleep.
Last June I was in a bleak bleak spot. My faith in God was growing weak because of the lack of hope that was in my soul. It must have been around then that our son was prompted by God to start praying nightly for a "baby brudder." Every night that I was home for bedtime, and sometimes when I was doing the dishes or snuggling him on the couch Matthew would say, "Let's pray for a baby Momma."
I remember one night after at least 2 weeks of these unceasing prayers, I finally broke down and cried out to God. For the first time in a long time, I let my guard down and my heart open up to Him about my hurt and fear. I specifically remember praying, "God do not let this little boy's heart be crushed like mine was. You know the desires of both of our hearts Lord. Do not take away his hope and childlike faith."
Around that time James and I started, yet again, to try living a healthier lifestyle. The Keto diet this time. In August I broke out in this crazy itchy rash that was ALL over. I thought it was a Keto rash, or possibly scabies, because you know...I'm a nurse and I don't do bugs. So naturally, that's where my head went. Almost 2 weeks of steroids were started and the rash faded.
What increased during the time of steroids was my fatigue, hunger, and insomnia. I decided everything was due to the steroids. I joked with the girls at work when my period was late that I would just take a pregnancy test so my period would show up. Well, that morning after work I took a pregnancy test. My period never showed up, but a bright pink second line did before I was even done going potty.
I said choice words in disbelief (Holy Shit! Fuck! In case you were curious). I couldn't bring myself to celebrate. Others celebrated for me, but in those early weeks I couldn't. I was so pessimistic. With 13 miscarriages behind me I was less than optimistic. Then came the cost of lovenox, the blood thinnner that I need to be on for my clotting disorder and repeat miscarriages. It was over 700 a month. I cried bitterly, refusing to pay that much for another miscarriage to happen. So I bought like 5 injections at a time. Small steps in the right direction. In those first weeks we spent over $1,000 on this medication until my new doctor prescribed me heparin - much cheaper but also more of a pain, shots twice a day instead of once.
I had an early ultrasound and the heartbeat was beautiful. James and I were in shock I think and feeling rather blessed to be looking and hearing a beating heart of another baby. My hope started to soar. Around 9 weeks I had a scare at work. I had a subchorionic hematoma seen on the first ultrasound. I hadn't had any spotting up until this point but had been warned that it could happen. I was so crampy that night at work. I was hydrating and praying against a miscarriage. When I went to the bathroom and found out I was spotting and passed a bright red dime sized clot. My heart dropped and I cried.
Dr. Walker got me in before his office hours that morning. Our little nugget was thriving and well. He prayed with me before leaving that appointment and fear left me. I told my husband on my way home that I was tired of living in fear and that it was time to tell Matthew. I told him, that if we are sad over another loss that Matthew was a smart boy and would know something was wrong. We talked about if that was the road we ended up walking through that we would need to figure out how to walk it together as a family.
Before telling Matthew about being pregnant, he solidified for me that things were probably going to be okay. He was playing with toys, when he simply looked up at me and said, "I'm probably going to have a baby sister before I have a baby 'brudder' and it's going to be okay." I had no doubt that God was speaking to him. Especially when I asked why he thought that and he responded, "Jesus told me."
When we shared with Matthew the ultrasound it was the most precious sight. I wish I could have taped it but it was so intimate and perfect. He initially believed that the heartbeat strip was a snake. Then slowly it hit him that it was a picture of a baby, and he guessed that it was him when he was a baby. Tears threatened to roll out of his eyes when we told him the picture was what was in my belly. He exclaimed, "It's probably my baby sister!" He told me that he was so excited that he might cry when I told him he was going to be a big brother. He was so overjoyed and it made James and I tear up to share this perfect moment with him.
I retell of this story to say a year can change many things. My hope that was so dashed and torn last year is alive and thriving. Brought on by prayers from a 4 year old boy. Prayers that I definitely wasn't brave enough to initiate and pray for myself. My faith was failing. But the faith of our little Matthew was strong.
I am 32 weeks. At the women's retreat I was retelling our story to the speaker of our infertility and repeat pregnancy loss, the blessing of our son, and our daughter that is currently growing in my womb. She reminded me, like my friend DeAnn did with Matthew, that I was like Hannah from the Bible.
She took these precious moments that reminded me that God is faithful. I told her the name we had chosen and she said, "She who walks with God." She went on to say that like Hannah our babies will be special. That while every child is special ours will be even more so and definitely be used by God. She prayed over Gabby and I. My spirit was lifted, and I was reminded: God is enough.
God is enough for every situation. My heart may change. The years may pass. My emotions may change. The years may pass. My emotions change. But God never changes. God is steadfast and remains the same. He cares for me in every situation. Even when I didn't have faith to give him the time of day.
This week my devotional has me reading 1 Samuel. It brings back all the feels. The same God that saw Hannah's hurting heart is the same God that sees me. He's the same God that sees you in whatever your life circumstance is. Don't lose hope. Cling to Him. Because our God is faithful. Even when our faith is week.
