Hope for the Holidays

This month I have been reflecting on how mighty our Lord is, and how I let life get me down. When feeling down the darkness invades and I cannot help but remember all of the heartbreak that holidays bring to so many. Us included. The ache from wanting a baby before we had Matthew, to the complicated ache that we now experience of wanting another child but not wanting to admit we want to try for another because of the multiple losses and heartbreak we experienced on that journey of actively trying to conceive. The ache of dreams not coming true, of babies that never got to know our faces. And then I see him. His name is Matthew. Our precious little miracle that You protected and brought into our lives.

Then I think of You God. All of the pain and joy you must have felt on the day of Christ's birth. The pain of knowing all that the future held for Jesus. The joy of seeing your son in the flesh, the joy of knowing all that would come to know you and be called children of God because of the sacrifices your son Jesus made for us. The sorrow of seeing your son treated as harshly as he was, the pain you had to feel for him as he was on the cross. 

You knew all of this at His birth. And yet you let Him live it, so he could be the sacrificial lamb that shows us the way to You Lord. My heart cannot even comprehend...

It brings me back to the moment where Jesus in Luke 22:42 says,
"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

It makes me think of the cup that you gave us. This bitter inducing cup of infertility and loss. And I think of all of the times I have asked you to take this cup from us. To heal me from infertility and bless us with healthy pregnancies. Yet, I desperately want your will to be done, not mine. So the cup stays in my hand, like that thorn in Paul's side.

You have given me so much strength in my weakness, strength that I would rather have never known. In circumstances that I wish would never have happened. Yet, especially during the holidays I find myself identifying with what the world would label me instead of who You call me. I struggle through feelings of inadequacy due to not being able to have babies without struggle, of not being able to purchase the presents that I wish we could give, of not having Christmas decorations up in a put together home. It emphasizes how much of a misfit I often feel in this world. It leads to more struggles with what the world may call me due to where we are in life. The more I hear the false identities of the world, the more I forget my identity in Christ. The less time I spend reading Your promises.

Lord even in the hardness of this Holiday season, my heart still wants more of you and less busy chaos. I pray that is the echo of my sisters in Christ as well. 

There are glimmers of hope and the cheerfulness of giving in this season that peak through the moments of sorrow and darkness. Spreading the light of Jesus, just when I needed it. When I get the text from a friend saying she wants to help me out around the house, something I had been praying for...real authentic friendship that sees a need and answers it. Someone that isn't afraid to step into this messy life I have and parent their children right beside us. To someone literally giving us a vehicle when James' truck broke down. Like literally GIVING us a car. This is the second time this has happened to us. I'm not kidding, why do I even question the goodness of you God? To the friend that in the midst of me feeling alone in my brokenness and hurting this holiday season says, "Jess, I had to step away from Facebook. The pregnancy announcements and babies were getting to me." She gets my heart and I get hers. We are excited for the women and their families, yet too often it feels like salt in our wounds and dashed dreams.

People ask what we are getting Matthew for Christmas. I answer a few small things. But what I really want Matthew to have for Christmas more than any play thing or gift under the Christmas tree is an authentic, real, giving heart that beats to the beat of Jesus and hands and feet that go where the Holy Spirit tells him to go. 

I started out this week feeling rather hopeless and disappointed by life. But it is the authentic, real people that pointed my focus back to Christ and showed me that there is hope to still have a Merry Christmas. There is still some happiness in the holidays. 

That my friends is what I want to give Matthew more than gifts under a tree. In the midst of hard times, I want him to know there is always hope in Christ.

Rollercoaster

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. My faith walk with God has felt like a roller coaster lately, except for the low points instead of feeling exhilarating with that pit in your stomach that brings excitement and adrenaline....the low points bring isolation, loneliness, condemnation from Satan, lies being whispered (or shouted) in your ear, and this leach that sucks joy from your life.

Yes this is where I have been. Disappointment with placement in clinical. Self condemnation for poor house keeping skills, condemnation for needing to finish school and work and have this beautiful blessing that most days I feel I do not deserve, and in turn start to believe that I am not deserving of another baby one day.

Listening more to what the world says gives me value. Comparing myself with others. Condemning myself for every little thing that I am not doing good enough, every little thing I am not able to hold up to standards set by myself. I haven't laughed much. I haven't read my Bible much. Praying comes at night time and during the day time often filled frustrated words, even sometimes filled with cuss words, towards God because I have been in this horrible place where my tongue has definitely not been tamed. 

I love the exhilarating heights and despise the isolating lows. And unfortunately in my walk as a Christian I have found myself in the pits more often than I would care to admit. And definitely more often than I believe Christ wants me there. 

I'm not certain what the walk with Christ is supposed to be like. I know that everyone's journey is different. But I am not certain how many Christians would agree that it feels like you are a passenger on a Rollercoaster ride. I believe our walks should be more like a dirt road where you continue on in spite of any bumps, rocks, potholes, or stinky roadkill. You don't mind pay much attention to the steep hills or winding paths because of your steadfast walk beside Christ. 

As much as I love Rollercoasters I am so ready to get off from this emotionally and spiritually daunting ride and trade it in for a more intimate, steady relationship with Christ.

October

This month stirs up so many emotions in me from reflecting upon those 5 precious lives we lost before Matthew, to the 7 we have lost since Matthew, to the women still walking infertility, to those wishing and praying for a precious baby to call their own after loss, to the parents that buried their babies that were called to heaven too soon, and the families of early loss that are left wondering if they had a son or daughter.

It makes my heart ache. It always has. Even before I walked this road I would cry when it was spoke about on the radio, cried as a friend reached out and told me about her loss and their struggle with trying to conceive.

In that valley, it can feel so dark. So lonely. So isolating. I turned my back on God during that time...going through the motions. I stopped praying. I stopped speaking to him. I focused on the pain, the hurtful words spoken unknowingly by others. Until one day late at night, doing laundry and listening to worship music...I found God again. Tears fell down my face as I declared it was enough. I was tired of feeling defeated. I was tired of feeling hopeless. I leaned on scripture harder than I can honestly say I have ever done in my walk with the Lord.

I wanted to be able to come out filled with joy and Jesus in spite of our circumstances so that this Psalm would be able to ring true for my life.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
PSALM 40: 3, NLT

I can't say that life has always been easy since that moment. Life seems to always get in the way of living with and for Jesus, doesn't it? At least for me anyways, I stumble and I fall but when I remember to find my footing on Jesus and seek the hope and joy that I have in Him and find the strength to face another day. Most of the time with the ability to smile and laugh at the day to come.

Infertility Strikes

I found this edited post back from January 2015, and it broke my heart to read it, but is such a great reminder of the rawness in my heart at times. 

I am most comfortable in my skin when there is a pen in my hand or facing a screen pouring my heart and soul into thoughts visible for the world to see. Much easier to pour the words out with tears running down cheeks than letting them flow uncomfortably in front of others at times.

My heart is breaking again. We are officially the most fertile infertile couple I know. Staying pregnant is our issue. I don't know which is worse, never seeing a positive test or now saying we have 12 babies in Jesus' lap. So many comments have came flooding in the past month and a half. "Maybe you guys should think about stopping trying." "Maybe you need to let your body rest." "Maybe you should take a break" "It's too painful to continue this way." "At least you have Matthew." "Again?!" And then the people that get it say things like "Matthew really is a miracle." "My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry."

I'm to the point that every baby deserves to be celebrated...but I am weary of the loss. The grief. The looks or comments that make me feel stupid for having hope. Much like the same voices that tried to make me doubt that whisper from God that he would bless us. When we were a year and a half into trying and 3 or 4 losses at that point.

I don't know why he chose this path for us to be on. I hate the fact that we have so many babies waiting for us in Heaven. Some days it makes me feel like a baby killer, other days it makes me so angry and sad that God would create life just to take it away.

It has impacted both of us terribly. My heart hurts on an almost daily basis. James has almost reached the last straw. We have to make a time to sit down and talk about how many more losses we will go through before James goes to get snipped. My heart mourns that talk, that decision, possibly as equally as our losses. Closing the door. Telling God we aren't welcoming him to move in the expansion of our family or having faith that he can sustain a pregnancy in my hostile uterus.

I wonder often if this ache is one that will never go away. It may fade but, you cannot erase the impact of infertility. It has drawn James and I closer together. It has put a wedge between some friends and family. It has wounded my ability to feel fully comfortable with friends at times because I have one foot in feeling infertile and yearning for more children and the other in motherhood. That might not make sense to some.

I know no one in person that has my same issues with infertility. It can feel lonely sometimes. Disheartening.  Maddening.

One thing is for certain I am not ready to throw in the towel but rather make sure we have the kitchen sink ready to be thrown at our issues before we close this door.

Obedience.

Things have not been rainbows and butterflies in the Hillard household lately. Things have been tough.

Times has been filled with me totaling out good vehicle (that was one way to get out from that debt I suppose...bright side? UGH), feeling like a failure at being able to lead a small group, dying appliances...and basically walking away from God. A couple of weeks ago I realized it had been a month since I had last read my Bible somewhat regularly. I felt like weeping, but still am struggling to change it.

God has been trying to woo me back to him. I was listening to a podcast from Impact Church in Lowell and it was on Ester. It was like God was speaking to my heart. In the story Jews are about to face a huge persecution from the King's right hand man. Ester is the King's wife. And she has never told him that she was a Jew! Talk about little talking before marriage! The man that had raised her growing up petitions her to talk to the King, break tradition and come before him and ask him to save them!

I felt like it was God saying to me. If you keep quiet at such a time as this, regardless of what is going on in your life, those in your life that aren't saved I will find a way to reach them, those that are hurting that you know? someone else will help them find relief. But what about your family? What about you friends? What if they die without knowing Christ? I made you for such a time as this, you are to grow where you are planted. Keep your eyes on me.

August 12th God tried to speak to me once more, wooing me closer to him. Making me ache for time with him. I posted on facebook what I heard him say to me, 

"You don't need to stay in the dry valley. Especially as long as you build your camp up in false comfort. You are meant to stand on me as your strong foundation. To rise on my wings like eagles, and to run without growing weary. Stop trying to face this world on your own strength. I know it is tough. But seek me first. Choose joy in the midst of it all. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to face these struggles without us on your side. Stop believing I don't know and don't care about what is going on in your life. Stop picking the burdens back up that you once laid at our feet. While you are weak, I am strong. So pack up your camp and let's get moving. I have bigger plans for you than this dry valley. It's time to bring your dry bones to life. ~ God."

But still I didn't take the time. We even saw prayers answered in receiving a used fridge for free. My little 2.5 year old son asks during prayer time to pray for the church, and doesn't settle when we just pray for Kilpatrick. He will repeat church again, and we pray for the community. When I ask him one more time what we should pray for he will again say the church until I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to move in the United States and in nations around the world that face persecution for their belief. Then he goes back to his routine of praying for Daddy, the gym, and various other people intermittently. Even talking about this makes my heart almost skip a beat and Godbumps to form. This little boy has been covered in so many prayers for him to help be a light in this world, and I in the same fear that I have towards God see the work that could be in effect from those prayers to God. 

But still I haven't made it a priority to seek God First. I have been praying on and off the past couple of days for God to return to being my first love. To seek first the Kingdom of God. But still haven't made the time to read my Bible daily. I feel guilty devouring the Left Behind Series once more when I should be looking forward to reading the Bible as eagerly as I have been listening to these stories. 

This weekend is the Engage conference at Kilpatrick. I looked forward to it expectantly. And I have not been disappointed. The answer has been here all along. We have been disobedient. We haven't tithed 10% consistently since before Matthew was born, and regular tithing has been as sparse as grass in the desert. If you are not obedient to God, how can the Holy Spirit dwell in you consistently?

Unsettled Heart

Everything going on the news....from sexual abuse to policy brutality, from the confederate flag to same sex marriage. It leaves my heart unsettled. My thoughts range from why do these things have to happen? to seriously it is a flag, who cares? To I am so sick of seeing all of this negativity on the news and my facebook newsfeed. Obviously the biggest thing today is the ruling on same sex marriage. I see everything from proud rainbows to very upset, to well meaning Christians that get into hearty often boisterous arguments (they may try to call them "discussions") on this topic. I see people saying they are deleting others, curse words piercing the air, and I sit back and I ponder.

How is this showing them Jesus? Jesus came for all sinners. It doesn't matter your sin, he is sovereign over all. This ruling did not catch Jesus by surprise. Does it mean we celebrate with those that choose that lifestyle? I'm going to be honest and say...I am not certain. Do you celebrate with an obese person at your church gathering? Or how about the man that has a secret addition to pornography? Do you sit next to a person in church that has a gambling problem? Or a person that is prideful? Do you attend their weddings? Do you lend ear to gossip as a Christian, and even in the church setting? If we say a sin is a sin is a sin....and as Christians continue in our sinful ways as we try to worship God and develop a deeper relationship with Him...isn't that just as sinful to God? I'm not certain. But I think it could be.

When it says do not judge others in the Bible...it means do not judge those that are not believers. Those that are not part of the church. We are to try and help those within the church to turn from their sinful ways. That is clear in the Bible. That includes homosexuality, just as it includes obesity, laziness, addition to cigarettes (not treating the body as a temple), drunkenness, slander and gossip, pride, premarital sex, pornography, or simply lust in general. Our government is not the church, it is clear we are a nation that no longer follows God's wishes for our lives. Therefore we cannot judge the choices the government makes. We simply have to continue to have hope and lean on the fact that Jesus is Lord. We have to pray for those that are unbelievers and our brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with any sort of sin.

When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.  But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that.  I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. 

 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 

Can you imagine how empty the seat in the church would be if we removed all the sinful from among us? Do you see what I am alluding to? The church should be a safe place for all who are broken. We are all sinners saved by grace. And ultimately this fighting over these things in the news recently is what makes Satan celebrate. After all, our fight is not with other humans really. Look up Ephesians 6:12, it lays it all out for you. Our battle is against the evil spirits in this world. They are celebrating that is for certain.

And I am pretty certain it grieves the spirit that these things are happening in the world today.  But I am 100% certain of something else, Jesus is still Lord over all. There is still victory on the cross. Unfortunately, the Bible already warned that times would be hard for families in the end of times. And to put it quite simply every day further from when Jesus was raised from the dead is closer to the end of times. Why are we surprised that things are falling farther and farther away from the path that God would deem righteous, right, and true?

There are many thoughts floating about my unsettled heart. I do think the day will come when Christians are punished extensively for speaking out about their beliefs. I do believe that one day there will be martyrs for the faith in the United States. People may be crying out to Jesus to come soon over this, but I am praying Jesus wait so maybe one more unbeliever can be saved. And I do believe that for unbelievers, who I am not to judge, that this certificate that the government is calling marriage will benefit their family units. I do not think that it changes the definition of what we as Christians see marriage. The government may redefine it as a union between any couple. But to us as Christians, marriage will always be a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. A cord of three, the leaving from two separate families to cleave to one another.

Where does that leave those that believe in Jesus, and struggle with their sexual orientation? Or their gender? Let me ask you a question...before you judge them, are you praying for them? Petitioning God for them. The best article I read today on this topic reminded the readers of the thorn in Paul's flesh that God did not take away. What if that is what their sexuality is like to them. How many lesbians, gays, bisexual, or transgendered people wish they could change the way they feel. And as believers in Jesus feel guilty, and may in turn feel unworthy of God's love and turn away from Him? I am sure there is too many to list. With marriage now being legal for these people, they have an even greater temptation to live outside of God's will. Especially with those inside the church believing that this sin of homosexuality is blacker than any other sins I listed above. Let those who have no sin cast the first stone. I am not casting a stone at fellow believers because they have different struggles than I do.

My heart feels unsettled and I think it is for one reason alone. Quite simply, His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. I am thankful the judging of who enters into heaven is not up to you or me.

Take the Time to Stop

Lately life has been going a mile a minute in the Hillard household, I have been working closer to full time hours, James is working full time and doing produce, and then there is Matthew - - - the busiest little boy I have met in a very long time.

I hate to admit it, but here is my confession. The first thing that goes for me is usually that quiet time with God when we are this busy. I crave it and yearn to have that time, but it seems I am never able to take that time with the Lord. I try to fill myself up with His word by listening to the Bible or Podcasts as I drive or do housework. But it is not enough, my soul yearns for the quiet moments in the house when all is still and God speaks to my heart because I have cleared my schedule to invite Him in. Without the quiet it's like stopping and looking at a friend and asking, "How are you doing?" If we keep moving about, and interrupt the conversation multiple times does that friend feel important in those moments? And are we truly listening to their heart's response to the question? No! They would probably give us the short answer, or if they were a bold friend say, "Hey, are you even listening to me? Are you sure you really want to know how I am doing?" Because the reality is that Jesus is our friend, God is our father - - - so why don't we stop to take the time to nourish that relationship? Why does it feel awkward sometimes to pray and listen?

We don't take the time to stop enough. We don't treat God as a friend. If your best friend suddenly was shifted up into a very important position of leadership, would you stop talking to them or joking with them in private the way that you used to? Would you not yearn to have those moments with them again? It is the same with God, He is All Mighty, and Powerful, and we should respect Him....but we should also come to Him in the good times, in the bad times, in the times when we feel overwhelmed, stressed, sad, angry, and bring all of these emotions to Him and lay it at his feet. Or if you are me - - - sometimes you feel like you are throwing rotten tomatoes at Him.

I felt like I was throwing the tomatoes at Him and saying, "Hello, remember me? My name is Jessica and I prayed that you would close my womb until YOU chose to bless us with another take home baby. How did this prayer get lost in translation? It's pretty cut and dry. Lord, I don't get it. Why don't you WANT to heal my womb? I know you can! Am I not good enough to have another baby? What is wrong with us? Why do others have babies abundantly without struggle and we sit here a total of 5 years trying and we have Matthew and 13 babies with you in Heaven?!?" Those thoughts and feelings went away soon after I threw them up to the Lord and they were replaced with peace. I have had this overwhelming peace, letting me know that I needed this pregnancy to know that He still would let me get pregnant, even after that prayer, because there was a fear within me that he would just stop and not allow another baby to grow in my womb. That maybe we would not ever have another take home baby. He didn't listen to my prayer because he knew my heart better than I thought He possibly could.

I just had to take the time to stop and let him speak to my heart. I had to push the lies out, and fill myself up with the promises of His word. Remind myself of my identity in Christ and not cling to the identities the world tries to attach to me. I just had this vision of a teenage girl walking down the hall and others are trying to stick papers to her with names the world wants her to believe she is - unworthy, shameful, a loser, unloved, unimportant, fat, ugly. And this girl was just looking so sad, she was down in the dumps. And then next thing I knew she was smiling with her head held up high, and she was holding up her identities in Christ as a shield - Forgiven, Loved, Treasured, Beautiful, Child of God, Chosen, Set apart. Adopted. I think we would all do better in this world if we picked up the Bible and remember the identity we have in Christ and stopped the world from trying to shove sticky notes on our soul of names that we should never claim or believe for ourselves. Ask God what names you have let the world trick you into believing, what titles he wishes for you to cast off from yourself and find your identity in Christ.

Take the time to stop, take the time to pray. What kind of believers in Christ are we if we do not take the time to talk and listen to Him? Clear 10 minutes in your schedule daily for God and go from there. That is my goal for this week, as meager as it sounds 10 minutes each day in prayer with God. And guess what? I am leaning on Psalms 5:3. "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." I am going to be expectantly waiting for God, for him to answer prayers and speak to my heart. As I make the time to meet Him each day how much more do I bring to Him so that His glory can be shown by answering prayers? Take the challenge. Let me know how it goes.

I See You

A post written on Mother's Day

To the women coming into church with disdain on your heart for this holiday.

I see you. You are not alone, though I hold the hand of our son the weeks I go to church I wish so desperately I could hold your hand and squeeze you tight and say, "Happy Mothers Day. No matter what others say, Mother's day is for all women."

To the woman who had a miscarriage this year with no living children.

I see you. I have been in your shoes. Happy Mothers Day to you, You are indeed a mom to your little one in heaven. This day is for you too. It's okay to cry. It's okay to skip church or society in general (may want to steer clear of Facebook as well).

To the woman who wished for a husband but he never came, and thus your dreamt children never came either.

I see you in your heartache and wistful thinking. God hears your prayers and he knows the pain this day brings you. Find joy in the fact that you help other mothers mother their precious children.

I see you. I too see the mothers able to celebrate this holiday haphazardly without thinking of the women on the other side fence wishing God would give them a leg up to join the side with the "real moms". I hear the questions, "Do you have any children?" And my heart aches.

People don't want to see the pain. People don't want to hear yes, I have 13 babies. 12 are with Jesus and Matthew is here with us.

People don't think when they ask that dreaded question on Mothers day, or about their tone when the person responds no. "Oh well, happy Mother's Day anyways." or "Well, then just enjoy your day."

Let's just celebrate women today. Their mothering caring hearts. Celebrate those that gave birth to babies. Those that lost babies pray with them and remember. For those that gave a baby up for adoption celebrate that they chose life and minister to them on this day. Thank the childless women in your life for all that they do for others. Pray for those without children today. 

Prayer

Here I sit, legs crossed. Francesca Battistelli's song "Find Rest" is playing. My soul is crying out along with it, "Find rest my soul, put your hope in God." Praying for the words to come to life in my fingertips. Trying to figure out the best way to reflect on what I am learning about prayer, and how to most effectively share with the ladies that have agreed to take this adventure with me.

I have been hearing this whisper to start another blog dedicated to women's ministry. I don't have a name for it yet, so this is me stepping out in faith asking for prayers for clarity, ideas to be God breathed and Holy Spirit led. A place where women can come as they are, in the sweat pants at home, or in stylish clothing at a coffee shop. A place to escape from the chaos of this world.  An online "home" where women can come without judgement from others to find the truth written in God's word, and how to apply it to their life. Where conviction from the Holy Spirit and encouragement collide and mix together enough to lead you towards the life that Jesus has planned for you.

I feel like I am grasping for words hidden behind a fog, I know that something big is coming, I can feel it. I 100% believe that God's hand is moving in this situation, and I am desperately asking for prayer, for faith to lean into God when I am unsure, for confidence when doubt is nipping at my heels, and for God to make a path before me clear and evident, even when I feel uneasy taking the next step.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of that! My mind feels like it is going 1000 mph at times with all the thoughts that crowd in.

So you may be wondering, what have I been learning about prayer?

When you invite the Holy Spirit into your prayer life, and pray with boldness before the feet of Jesus --- He answers your prayers!! Tangible real life prayers, answered before my eyes recently. First thing is first though, before your prayers can even be answered you have to pray!!

I took this idea from Praying for Your Elephant: Boldly Approaching Jesus with Radical and Audacious Prayer by Adam Stadtmiller (You can find it here). I have challenged my prayer group to make 10 categories and place 10 specific prayers under each categories, so 100 total, and make sure that you date them when you write them down. This will help us to be intentional with our prayers, help us to be reminded of what we need/want to be praying for, and for us to be able to see a tangible way that God is answering our prayers by being able to see what we had prayed and write ANSWERED and the date next to them. I think it is a good exercise! 

Before you start writing down your prayers I would say a prayer something like this,

"Lord, I come before you today and my heart is yearning to pray for the desires that you have placed in my heart. Please bring the Holy Spirit to give me discernment on what to pray about, help me to be specific and come before you unashamed of where I am at and what my heart cries out for. You are the author of my life, and I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in your image! Help me to be strong and courageous if you ask me to pray for something that seems outside of my comfort zone. Wash over me with your love and tenderness as I begin this task at hand..."

Put on some worship music and praise God for all that He is. Ask Him boldly without fear of being embarrassed or rebuked harshly. You are deserving because you are His adopted child, you are chosen and loved by our Heavenly Father. You are able to do whatever He calls you to. Pray for your heart to be able to hear His gentle whispers.  Pray that you will honor God with your prayers by having the faith to move mountains, faith as big as a mustard seed.

There are so many ways to pray! You can pray scripture for yourself, your family, your church, your community, Michigan, the United States, or even worldwide! You can grab some coloring supplies and doodle a prayer to God (examples here). You can pray head to toe over those you love. You can write in a prayer journal. You can pray as you drive, or with a group of people. You can pray sitting on your couch, on your knees, or prostrate before the feet of the Lord. 

Scripture says we are to pray continually. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

NLT16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

NIV16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Amplified Bible 16 Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); 17 Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; 18 Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Isn't it time we embrace that scripture and live it out? Rejoice! Find gladness and joy in your faith, and continue to pray with perseverance. Do not stop praying, have a heart of prayer from the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down to sleep. Continue praying until your heart beats its last beat. Find a way to be thankful in whatever circumstance that passes your way, yes even the bad stuff, the disappointing areas. Thank God for your life, for your faith, for his plan for your life. Surrender all of you to Jesus and find a way to see the blessing in whatever comes your way!

That should be a prayer of our hearts. Take the time to pray it out and listen to God about the areas that you need to surrender to Him and share it with a woman that you love and trust. Ask them to hold you accountable. Find a prayer partner and have an open authentic Christ centered friendship with them.

If you are interested in joining a small group of women praying for God to move within our lives, the community, and across the earth please let me know! We are just getting started and we would love to have you! Do not be afraid to ask if you are interested! 

Spending Time in the Silence

Do you ever feel that spiritual "dry" times when you are no longer hearing God speak to you daily? For me my dry times are when I don't set aside time to worship Him. I forget to seek His will for my day. I put off reading the Bible. I get caught up in the stress and business of life.

And then there are times such as now, when I think that God is being silent because of all of the above. Then I hear his whisper when I finally slow down to reflect on why I haven't felt like he has been speaking to my heart as frequently.

"I am being silent because I have already told you what I wish for you to do sweet child. You are meant to do this, just act. Decide. Listen. Spend time with me, help me to direct your path. That doesn't mean I am going to show you every foot step along the journey. I will make you sure footed as a doe, I will give you reassurances along the way. But to know that you are sure-footed you have to be making steps. You have to be acting."

It is one thing to say to God, "Choose me." It is another thing to act upon which he is calling you to.
There are 2 times that I thrive for when it comes to spending time with God in our house hold. Nap time and bedtime when everyone is sleeping peacefully and the Holy Spirit says...not yet, get up, lets talk. The days I work, I will not lie it is so hard to make quiet time with God.

I am not a morning person by heart. But some days, like days I work....that may be the only time I get to experience along time with God in the quiet. Scripture and speakers on the pod casts I listen to have been talking about how people rise in the morning to spend time with God. I felt that knowing tug on my heart. And I said to God, "Surely you don't mean me. You created me, you know I am not a morning person. I already have to leave the house at 515 the mornings that I work. I get up at 4, you want me to get up at 330?"

God just wants those waking moments, whatever time it is. This season that I am in, I cannot fathom giving up another half hour of sleep when sleep is often times interrupted at least once during the middle of the night. But shouldn't we give up things for Christ? Doesn't he call us to lay down our lives for us? Doesn't he say he will strengthen us and hold our heads up? He will be our rest. I may have to wake up at 330 in the morning or get Matthew to bed and get back up to reflect on your day, praise God, find joy in your trials....or simply to spend time in God's word and hear him in the quiet. He wants you to pray, but more than that he wants you to listen. It's a relationship, it is a conversation, not a one sided dialog.

Spend time in the silence with God. Do a devotion. Listen to some worship music. If you miss church pick a day or a couple days of the week to listen to pod casts that teach Godly lessons to your soul. Reflect on what you heard with Jesus. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you, to burden your heart for what God wants you to pray for.

Praying for a Prayer Group

"Satan does not own this world, it belongs to God. He has used you as His ambassadors to make known His kingdom come, His will be done." 

Lacrae speaking on "Serving God in Our Culture" 

Focus on the Family broadcast

Sometimes I can be pretty stubborn. I question and contemplate my actions, think about consequences for each choice that I could make, and when I am walking close to Christ I really feel like I should have one of those old WWJD bracelets on. Because my heart questions what Jesus would think about x, y, or z. I love my husband the other night he said something along the lines of, "I always knew I was stubborn, but as it turns out my wife is even more so. God has to hit her over the head to know anything is from Him." It made me laugh because it is so true. 

When I was writing that last entry a week ago, I felt this prompting to start a prayer group. I knew in my heart at that point that Sue and Essie were going to take a break for the summer, I felt it was time to jump in. Over a week I mulled over if it was really from God or something I dreamed up by myself. I thought to myself, it will be myself and 9 other ladies. Ten total and I thought it would be all online, just in case Sue and Essie didn't stop group...and lets be honest the intimacy and bravery it takes to step out in faith with your prayers in front of others. I was afraid to meet face to face! There I said it (and I really do think a virtual prayer group is an awesome idea that could spread like rapid fire if we accepted the Holy Spirit to be fully present in it).

Anyways, stay with me. God is SO good that when you question yourself he will surely make you as sure-footed as a doe. He will keep you on His path by laying land markers for you to follow. My land markers were in the form of our study that I had tried to find time to do all week but failed to do due to distraction after distraction. It spoke of this missionary that went into a place of spiritual darkness, and for five years he prayed and prayed without any change. He finally talked to his mom and asked for prayer. 

She found nine women to pray for the cause along side of her. Yup a group of 10 women. Those God bumps washed over me and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. Okay God. I get it. But I didn't get it. Because as I was reflecting on the 9 women praying along side of that man's mother I volunteered to read the part in Genesis where Abraham intercedes for Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Genesis 19:22-32

The other men turned and headed toward Sodom, but the Lord remained with Abraham. Abraham approached him and said, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people living there in the city—will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sakes? Surely you wouldn’t do such a thing, destroying the righteous along with the wicked. Why, you would be treating the righteous and the wicked exactly the same! Surely you wouldn’t do that! Should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?” 

And the Lord replied, “If I find fifty righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.” 

Then Abraham spoke again. “Since I have begun, let me speak further to my Lord, even though I am but dust and ashes. Suppose there are only forty-five righteous people rather than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?” 

And the Lord said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five righteous people there.” 

Then Abraham pressed his request further. “Suppose there are only forty?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the forty.” 

“Please don’t be angry, my Lord,” Abraham pleaded. “Let me speak—suppose only thirty righteous people are found?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it if I find thirty.” 

 Then Abraham said, “Since I have dared to speak to the Lord, let me continue—suppose there are only twenty?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the twenty.” 

Finally, Abraham said, “Lord, please don’t be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.”

I missed that last part. Ten. Until Sue pointed it out when I found the courage to let my emotions bubble out of what I felt that God was calling me to. God had actually been calling me to do something. I still feel like, no no me. Are you sure? I mean I have shared my heart with this to a handful of women now and I haven't gotten a huge response. I don't want want people to join just because, I want the ones you have planned to join me...to join me. Yet, my heart questions okay what am I approaching about this wrongly? Can't you just bring the women to me? How many more do I have to share this crazy vision with before women step up and say, "Me."

I just had this reminder of the verse where God is wondering who he should send. Upon looking it up it is Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me." 

I am praying God will fill up the rest of the women that are supposed to come along side of me like ants coming out of an ant hill. That they too will have been feeling this call to pray and be willing to respond like Isaiah saying, "Here I am Lord. Send me." Even if it is like a meek child raising their hand in school, almost hoping that the teacher won't call on them.

I am certain that is what has brought me to this point, in case you are curious. I remember praying for God to use me. Is this how he is going to use me? I feel like I could throw up almost at the way that God is truly showing himself to me. Does that even make sense? Sorry for being my journal tonight. Here I am an open book. I am not perfect. I question too often, think too much. But I am called.

I am called. I am really shaking my head. I don't get it. Yet at the same time my soul cries out, use me Lord. Choose me. Guide my thoughts, prayers, and actions. Bring me to those that need to see your reflection in my life. Help me to be recklessly brave and audacious and honoring in my prayers. Help me to intentionally plant little mustard seeds of faith throughout this world that even Satan knows He is not capable of stopping the spread of your goodness even into the places where He has always had a stronghold. You are God and you are mighty, none is greater than you. It's time as Christians we start believing that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

If you have questions about the prayer group I am planning (and hoping and counting on God) to have started before the beginning of May. Please do not feel afraid to call, text, email, or Facebook. If I don't respond, ask again. And again. And again. Pray about it. Listen to the small call if you think Jesus might be asking, "Who am I going to send to pray?" Be brave enough to step into that empty space and say, "Here I am Lord. Send me." It might feel scary, but remember God has Armor ready for us to put on at a second's notice. He is always present and aware. We don't have to worry about Him sleeping on the job. And the best thing of all of it...Victory has already been won. Death has lost it's sting. We are just gathering together in pray so that more may truly see the goodness of God's glory for themselves.

This Present Darkness

I was listening to the audiobook by Peretti of “This Present Darkness” and felt myself engulfed by the reality of the truth depicted in the minutes that passed by. Spiritual warfare is alive and true, it is the world that surrounds us. Yet, we live our lives completely unware and ignorant of what is taking place. We tend to fear it. We tend to hate flesh and blood, the tangible things that we can see touch and feel. We act like only guardian angels can exist, that demons do not try to grab ahold of us. Like this hidden world around us holds no power at all. Like it is a twisted fairy tale, saved for paranormal youth fiction, not something that is true and written about in the Bible.

It’s real. Friends, the Bible speaks on it. It tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood. Black and white on paper, you cannot choose to believe one passage and forget another.

Ephesians 6:12
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

How can we believe the Bible, and not believe in the unseen war going around us?

The illustrations that was poured out of my speakers brought to life this war. From the ways the demons were thinking, how they were trying to orchestrate and change people’s thinking to make it so they were farther and farther from God…it gave me goosebumps. My heart had just been reminded about the power and goodness of Jesus at the women’s retreat, and here the book reminded me of how powerful Satan can be if we choose to allow him to have that power over us. It reminded me of how we have to pray daily and fervently for the things and people that are placed on our hearts.

The passages on prayer, the depictions of angels showing up and not letting the demons enter closely into the church. Or the battles between angels and demons. I became overwhelmed by the power of Jesus. The power of prayer…I got this heart-felt ache of what our world could be like if we were brave enough to step out of our little box we tend to place Jesus in, find the courage to truly be His vessel to share the light into the world. The Acts church. A revival. Prayer freeing people from their challenges at hand. Tears came to my eyes and my arms broke out in goosebumps that I choose to believe were God bumps. Prayer with faith even as small as a mustard seed. Isn’t it time we start believing that the book that we tend to use as a paper weight is truly a book that is filled with living and breathing promises from God to each of us that have been adopted into the Christian family.

Hebrews 4:12For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Ephesians 6:10-18The Whole Armor of GodA final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

I get so passionate about this subject because I know both sides of the coin. I lived in darkness. Depression engulfed me; I turned to Wicca, tarot cards, astrology, horoscopes, superstitions, Ouija boards, spells, scary movies. I hated, pushed away those that tried to talk to me about Jesus….even though I knew nothing about Him. I remember fear gripping me as a child, seeing dark figures cross the wall of my bedroom and the racing in my chest when I went upstairs by myself every night. I went to church with a friend when I was little but I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and that I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I remember the feeling of "importance" that came over me when I was doing all of this the things I listed because I was good at it. I truly believe I accepted the power of demons. It makes my heart ache to think about that. I walked comfortably and confidently in my beliefs. I don’t even remember what drew me in, but it drew in another friend at the same time, and we drew other girls from our school in as well. I have seen the draw of Satan, the power that he makes you believe you have. All lies, a fallacy that clung to me like iron chains. I cannot tell you how long after accepting and believing in Christ it was before I threw away my deck of tarot cards. It pained me.

I am certain the angels were rejoicing that day, because it was one step closer to me truly living my life for Jesus. I feel like I could be labeled a heretic for saying such things, but I truly believe that Jesus has something big planned for my family, for me. It takes courage to say that "out loud" because I hear the echoes that tell me I am not worthy to be called to do something for Jesus, that no one would choose to hear about Jesus through me because my past is too stained. You see, I truly believe Satan tried to send demons to draw chains around my heart to bind him to him and away from Jesus so that I could draw more people into the darkness…and away from the light of Jesus.  There is this shaking fear within me that Jesus has called me and my family something bigger that would blaze and shine Gods light, more unfathomable of what I could imagine.

And then sometimes I feel stuck, believing the lies that are thrown at me. That I am not able to be a warrior for Christ because my life is too messy, or that I am too insignificant. Isn't it time we cling to what the Bible truly says to us?

Be brave and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

While listening to This Present Darkness I would explain to James what the characters were like and the oppression the town was under. He said to me, “Kind of like Lake O?”

It washed over me, the truth in his statement. Isn't it time we stand up (or maybe even kneel) and believe that our prayers matter? Isn't it time we tell Satan to flee and pray for men and women to start listening to the cries that Jesus has for them? That the teens would experience a relationship with Jesus that is truly like a friendship and not just religion? That our churches in the community would experience a true revival. That the Holy Spirit would be present and so thick that chains would be broken, people healed, new believers coming to Christ on a weekly basis, worship that brings you to the feet of Jesus. Can you imagine a church like that? I have experienced it, and my heart aches for it once more.

I could go on and on about this topic. I am so passionate about it. I believe in prayer, that Jesus and His heavenly armies stand with us when we pray. We are more than capable, not because of ourselves, but because of Jesus and the holy gift that he gave those who believe in him, adoption into his family, a heritage that comes with ability to cast out demons, defeat addictions, heal those that are hurting, and bring forth new disciples to become fishers of men.

I am praying for you, whoever is reading this now that the Holy Spirit would come and lift you up, showing you what Jesus wishes for you. That you would feel this burden to pray for whoever it is that Jesus has placed on your heart, and he will tug at your heart until you are obedient to his calling. I am praying that you will find courage and bravery to step forward and spread the light of Jesus the way that he has planned for you. That your faith would grow from this tiny mustard seed to this bush that runs rampant and takes over all aspects of your life. Love you friends!

A Beautiful Inheritance

Tonight before bed I asked James, "Do you ever feel like God is moving and something big is going to happen but you dont know what?" I went on to tell him I would read because I couldn't sleep. My mind, soul, and heart were racing with  excitement, uncertainty,  and anticipation of the work that Jesus is going to do.

Earlier today I was listening to a broadcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss titled "A Beautiful Inheritance". Before it started I felt this feeling telling me it was going to be a good one.

It started and it was talking about the point in Joshua's life when they were casting the lots for each tribe of people. She pointed out that the chapters about dividing up the land were more than those of heroic times in Joshua's story but people seem to skip over them. Afterall, casting lots make it sound like it was really up to chance. I mean how lucky was the tribe that got huge chunks of land, and how unfortunate was the tribe that got the smallest? Isnt that how we look at our lives? How blessed is she who has xyz, and how unfortunate or cursed am I because xyz happened/didn't happen. When in reality everything is up to God.

Psalms 16:5 NLT
lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

If everything is up to God, and he works everything for good for those who love him...does that include me? I love him. Does that mean everything I have been "dealt" God had his hand on me during it all? This beautiful mess I live is an inheritance from God?

Even the years I walked without knowing him?
Yes Saul became Paul.

Even my infertility?
Yes, Hannah gave birth to Samuel. Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Elizabeth gave birth to John.

Even whatever it is that you are questioning, God was there somehow. Ask Him to show you. Where was he in that moment, how should it have or will it shape your heart to better further His kingdom? Does it add to your testimony about God's goodness? Did you allow it to, did you turn to Him in your storm?

Tonight's small group chapter was on Praising God, especially in the storms of life. Praising Him when things seem impossible. Too tough to face. How fitting for the battle that was going on within me.

Infertility rearing it's ugly head, and God reminding me once again of that gruesome image of a deep wound that had to be carefully tended and packed and unpacked in order for proper healing to take place. A month of a prayer come true. God has closed my womb to prevent a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage. That has been my prayer, for God to close my womb until he is ready to gift us another take home baby. To save us from more heartache. He came through this month, but infertility monster still reared it's head. A month of hope and a twinge of disappointment.

And Satan whispered to me, "No body wants to hear about how this is impacting your life still."

Jesus is more than enough to praise him through our infertility. He is more than enough for whatever storm or battle you are facing, even though the devil doesn't want you to know it or consistently believe it. Jesus is enough. He writes a deep complex story when your heart is aching and makes you look to Him for healing that ache or emptiness you feel. He wants you to turn to Him so he can heal you. He wants the lot he cast to you to be a blessing, to have you see the beautiful inheritance he has passed on to you.

Otherwise before you know it that wound that needs to be packed and unpacked could cause damage to surrounding tissue without treatment, infection could start, and the pain can grow more intense.

Let God work in your life. Trust that he is Lord over all. That He is sovereign. Sovereign? Supreme, absolute, almighty, unlimited, unrestricted, boundless, timeless, royalty, and  unconditional.  He is all of that for me. And you.

I need to sleep. I work in the morning. But my mind was racing, my heart aching for God. I started this post before group. I knew I needed to read. Remember what I said about casting lost earlier....it came up in my reading. That's definitely God. God sighting at almost midnight.

"I didn’t need to pound on the doors of heaven in the hope that some house steward might add my name to a list. I didn’t need to recite my request over and over or hoist rocks over a high wall behind which a legion of servants might one day carry my petition to the King. Nor did I need to shrug at the lot I’d been cast, stretching wider Scripture’s definition of sovereignty."
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sarah Hagerty.

I don't need to come before God like a beggar but to come before him knowing He is almighty and clinging to the promises of Romans 8:28. God knows my heart, he knows the desires. He knows the pain. He knows the outcome of the chapter he is writing in my life. I just need to trust expectantly that he is passing on the inheritance to me that is for me and not wish for the one that he is handing out to others.

My life might be a mess most days. It might seem awful disappointing some days. But God is writing my story. He is using my aches and pains to draw me closer to Him. He is using the storms of this life to lead me to him for shelter and strength. And that is a greater inheritance than all the earthly possessions in this world. Every bitter thing can taste sweet, and my mess truly is a beautiful inheritance.

Weekend with Jesus - Part 5

What area did God want to heal in me?

I sat there praying, letting God know that I knew in my heart of hearts that he was El Roi - the God who sees, but also Jehova Rapha - the God who heals. Slowly I got this image of this clear, familiar path. It looked comfortable, well traveled.

And then I heard God whisper, "That has been the path you have been on. The path of Bitterness."

It cut at me. I let Jesus know that I wanted to leave this path, to follow Him.

He showed me this overgrown path. It was covered with brambles, thorns, weeds, huge bushes. And I felt Jesus say, this is what you have let our walk together become.

My heart sank. I knew what he was tenderly telling my soul was right.

I prayed that he would make a path for me in the wilderness that was my soul's walk with Him, and let the path of bitterness become so overpowered by brambles, thorns, and bushes that I will never again be able to walk that path with ease and comfort.

Before this weekend I thought bitterness didn't have a foothold in my soul anymore. I thought I was just feeling down from the winter, from experiencing two losses through the holidays. I thought I was just the new "me". One that I wasn't too fond of. I thought the hurt of infertility had just damaged me. I was too wounded to have relationships with other women that didn't know what I had been going through. Lies. Lies that bound my heart in chains as I continued on that well traveled path away from God.

I don't know why I turn away from the presence of God. I know how GOOD he truly is. I know how horrible it feels to be outside of his presence and will for my life...yet I find myself on that path time and time again.

I think it is fear, and not the reverence type of fear towards God, but rather the fear that I will be too much, or not enough. The fear of being present before the feet of God while I work through my many emotions of anger, exhaustion, and that questioning that bubbles up in my soul from time to time of "Why me? Am I not 'good enough'? Why do you bless them, and you leave me to struggle?" The fear of being not enough for whatever it is that He is calling me to be. Too much and not enough.

It made me think of Peter. How so often I think I have the strength and am feeling filled with faith and mighty enough to join Jesus on the water, and then soon as the waves of life come....my eyes fall from His face, uncertainty fills my heart, soul, and mind. Then I am left feeling like Jesus has let me fall into the water, thrashing around in the mighty waves. When the truth is, Jesus was there all the time. He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. Wishing I would have the faith to stand.

In that moment it truly washed over me. How faithful God is. How mighty Jesus was to die for you and me. That Jesus promised that he would make my burdens easy and my yoke be light. He doesn't promise no suffering, but that in Him we will find the strength to carry on. Because of Jesus Sin has no power, he conquered the grave. The enemy has been defeated. Jesus has been victorious, and because of this YOU can be victorious. And so can I.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Leaving the retreat there was literally this weight off my shoulders, I have only experienced this one other time in my entire life. It was freeing. Life since the retreat hasn't changed much. Except I am trying to be more intentional at finding more time in my day for Jesus. Be it praying for myself and others, or soaking up the wisdom from The Bible. The world doesn't seem so gloomy any longer. God has truly placed a new song on my lips. And for that I am so thankful.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in Him.

Psalm 40:1-3

Weekend with Jesus - Part 4

A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb,

But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

Proverbs 27:7

We got back to our lodge Saturday night after all the emotional breakthroughs. I was exhausted, but thought I needed to balance out all that emotion by connecting with other women and laughing, smiling, and enjoying the life that Jesus gave me. I had been looking forward to games, but instead they pulled out questions like conversation starters. I listened for a bit and participated but soon my head started yearning for my pillow. I was tired.

I got into my bed and felt a little nudge. I looked to make sure I had read my devotion for the day. And then saw one of the books on my kindle app. "Every Bitter Thing is Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I felt another nudge, read it. I thought, are you sure? I am so tired. But my mind was racing.

As laughter fell on my ears from the living room area, God tugged at my heart. Proverbs 27:7 was the first verse in the book. I was SO hungry for God. The first chapter was on Sara's walk though infertility. She knew my heart, it was there on the screen before my eyes! She knew my pain. What it was like to be around other women when they had children, and to feel left out of the "club". She also made another good point, that I so often forget to apply to others. She said, "Like most pain, until you have known it for yourself, you are blind to it." Women didn't mean to hurt me in their laughter and joy talking about babies, labor, delivery, or saying things like "You can have one of mine!" They weren't trying to be insensitive. They were simply blind to my pain, because they hadn't walked it, or had someone show them what the path was even like. 

She didn't hide her pain, her hurts, or her tears. I loved these paragraphs

But I was finding Him. In the places I had feared most and spent a lifetime avoiding. He was meeting me. My worst, my very worst moments were getting rewritten without circumstances changing.....He was showing me Himself as strong enough. He was letting me hide in Him, letting me find a safe place. 

And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant fumbling would annoy him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me. 

And I felt hungry. 

....I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted. 

I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me. 

Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive.

I don't know about you, but to be honest...my faith doesn't always ever grow in the leaps and bounds like it does when I am faced with trials, tragedies, or heartache.  Sometimes I think it is Jesus just trying to awaken that fire he has placed inside of me, the one that has left smoldering by life instead of igniting others nearby. And the devil spends all his days trying to figure out ways to squelch that fire so I won't exude God's greatness, so I won't be able to tell others that they are listening to lies and not the truth.

The evil one has definitely found good ammo towards me: Bitterness. It stops the connection with Christ, literally I stop speaking with Him. I stop praying. I draw away from others that may tell me about Him. It isn't intentional. It is just the manipulative way that the devil grabs a hold of me, and draws me away from the presence of God. Just like that. He uses life circumstances to say, "See God doesn't care. Where was he when that happened?" or "That person doesn't care, so why should you?When was the last time you got a text, or an email, or a call from that person?" Simple as that. And instead of fighting it with God's word, I feel disheartened and let the lies overcome my heart and mind.

The last session at the retreat was about finding Healing in Jesus. Just like the night before, Jesus showed up. Just like he always does when we call on Him. Even if it isn't in ways that we wish or expect.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

James 4:8

I had given up on God's promises for me, like the whispers from not only the evil one in my ear, but the world in general. The words of well meaning friends or coworkers. I lent my ear to what they had to say instead of searching my heart, pouring over scripture, and listening to what God was telling me.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, 

for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

Hebrews 10:23

Fiona quoted Hebrews 10:19-22. She spoke about how we should carry the confidence to join God beyond that curtain, the same curtain that Jesus tore down for us in His death on the cross. How can we hang out in the hallway, instead of joining Christ at the alter? Why are we not taking the effort? Why are we not being determined? After all if a King invited you to see him in this life, would you debate about what your reply would be? So how can we continue to ignore Jesus? Why do we believe the lies of Satan that we are not Holy enough to enter? Jesus washed us clean, he has paid the price...and the door is wide open for us. Yet, so many of us continue to be content just hanging out in the hall instead of joining him in an intimate relationship. 

For me, it is because I believed the lie that I was strong enough to face life and all the challenges it brought me on my own. I believed the lie that I didn't feel the connections at our new church because no one cared about me. I believed the lie that I didn't need Christian women in my life because it was too hard being around them when no one knew what my pain was like. 

Just reading it, doesn't it sound vile and that I should have been able to see right through it? But I didn't. So I craved Jesus at times, but made excuses why going to small group just wasn't worth it each Monday. I saw women with their multiple children and thought, they really don't want to know about how infertility is still hurting my heart and my walk with the Lord. I said yes to working more Sundays, without evaluating why it was getting so easy to say Yes to work, and No to Jesus. 

Let us not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, 

especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:25

I need other women. I need to spend time with those that share the same love of God. I need to make time for Christ and spend time encouraging others and allow them to encourage me. 

Fiona poised this question, and I will ask you it too...Who is God asking you to pray for and with? Don't just flippantly ask the question, but pray over it. Expect him to show up. I will be honest, so many came to my mind at first. Those that I wish knew Jesus. But the one that stuck, was the woman that was there that weekend. The same women that I had started to listen to His promptings months ago to write her a little post-card. That's as far as the letter got. Written, but not sent. I now feel God saying, see I made a way still. Had you listened to me...the journey to get her to come would have been SO much easier. Pray for those that Jesus puts on your mind, and obey when he calls you to do something. The names don't just pop into your head out of no where. Believe that it is Jesus, and follow his lead. When you are afraid to obey, be bold and step out in faith.

At this point, the lyrics of "Shout Unto God" came to  my mind. I meditated on them. 

The enemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold You down,

Gonna lift my voice in victory, going to make our praises loud

Death hadn't kept Jesus away from me. He defeated Satan just like that. He already has won, victory is ours. Why do I live like I don't know who is going to win the battle?

At this point Fiona asked us to take and write on a sticky note, what we wanted to give to God and/or what we felt like God was trying to give to us and we wanted to receive it. Then take it to the cross and pin it there.

When I told James about this exercise, he asked me if I had to use a whole stack of sticky notes. Hardy har har. Such a jokester, but he knows my heart. So indecisive usually....but God was moving. The Holy Spirit had rained down once more. 

I will tell you what I wrote...I wanted to give him my pain, bitterness, and sorrow. And that I accepted from Him the challenge to be Recklessly Bold and to find the ability once more to find Joy in Trials. Ugh, that last one was so hard to write out. I sat and looked at it. And even re-wrote it. Unsure if I was truly up for that challenge. Even now I feel that pit in my stomach, like "What were you thinking? Do you know what you have accepted? Do you realize that you are saying you will follow Jesus WHEREVER  He takes you? You are nuts. Plain and simple. Crazy."

As if I didn't have those questions and statements running through my head, I got up to the cross...and my tack would not go in. Seriously, I pushed and pushed and pushed. I had to pick 2 or 3 different spots before I could get that darn thing to stay up on the cross. Now I realize it was God saying, "This isn't going to be easy. Are you sure you want to put your trust in me? Are you sure you are ready to let go and let me rule over every aspect of your life?" I pushed on, and that's what we have to do in this life. 

The enemy has been defeated. But he wants us to believe he hasn't. Death couldn't hold Jesus in the grave. But the enemy wants us to believe he didn't die for us, or that he has forgotten about us. You may want to lift your voice, or your hands in praise and claim the victory that Jesus has done in your life. But Satan will do everything in his power to talk you out of it. He will tell you your story isn't important. That you will look or feel stupid if you open your heart. He will whisper these lies to you until you believe them, unless you guard your heart with the scripture you should have treasured inside of it.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

But I tell you, I have come to give you a rich and satisfying life.

John 10:10

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

God has called us to fervent prayers, he asks us to come to him expectantly with big bold prayers. Because He who is in YOU is greater than he who is in the world. He is an overcomer, and that gives you the ability to overcome. You can do it. 

I really want to keep going, but I feel like this post has gotten too long already. In reality, God probably just wants me to ponder over that last day a little bit longer before I write about it. So I leave you with this question to pray about. What area does God want to heal in you? Ask him, come boldly before him, and ask him what area in you life would he wish to lay hands on you and heal? Anything. Nothing is too big, or too small. Because our God is greater than death itself, and he can overcome anything in this world. To top it off, he finds you oh so worthy.