Life has tossed us so many curveballs. It leaves you thinking one thing is coming your way only to be blind sighted and have life either zip by you leaving you feeling like you spun too fast trying to catch it, or you get hit, hard, right in the heart.
This past Easter left me thinking so deeply of Jesus's love for us, and how amazing it is that all of the sins I have made, am making, and will make were washed clean by him on that cross through forgiveness. He rose from the dead! How amazing that would have been to be there then. I often wonder what person I would have been back in that time. Would I have denounced Jesus? Been the Martha or the Mary? Or betrayed him for money? Or better yet been the one to walk on water with him?
But I'm not one of those biblical characters, instead I am me. And what a beautiful mess I am. A mess that God manages to pick up some of the clutter and make me a new creation, and sometimes I get to realize that He is moving in our lives. Feeling his precense and touch on things. That undenyable feeling that God's hand is behind what you are working on. That he is shaping your story special. Like making pottery on a spinner's wheel paying special attention to all of the small details so the finished product will be beautifully made and perfect it it's own way.
Easter also left me thinking about how mother's day is right around the corner. Which left me thinking about our babies. Babies I feel we haven't given justice and enough recognition. It hurts my heart. I think of them so often, especially when looking at Matthew. I wonder what they would have looked like. I think about how he is a little brother, and almost buy him shirts that say such things. Because he will know that he is the youngest at the moment, but will one day be the oldest here on earth. He will know that getting to heaven means so much to us, not only because of Jesus's redeeming love that allows us to meet God, but also because we look forward to meeting the babies the world has forgotten.
I never realized how angry James had gotten with God. I knew how angry I had been with God, how bitterness has encaptured my every waking thought and turned my heart cold and hard against God. Infertility. Loss. Unceasing hope that turned to what felt like empty prayers and broken dreams. Five losses my friends. Five babies in heaven. And I loved every single one of them with as much of my heart that I could have given and still left it beating within my chest. Every time a loss happened it felt as if my heart had been ripped out. The grief was immense. I had prayed and named two of our babies. Abigail. Sam. But the others are waiting nameless in heaven, nameless and faceless to us.
That bitterness has been a doozy to walk through, I picture God trying to carry me through it and instead I thrashed at Him, calling Him names, and doing my best to just be alone and cry and bemoan all that God had NOT given us. It is only recently, since having Matthew, and working through some marital struggles that I have been able to allow the bitterness to begin melting away fully. To feel as if I am walking once more with the Lord. To feel his precense in my life. To feel joy in my heart. And a spring in my step.
I was asked recently if all the struggle it took to get Matthew meant that we were going to shoot for one and done. My friends, the answer is no. That bitterness that drove us away from God, we have learned from it. The joy that Matthew has placed in our hearts, is unreplaceable. The sadness was worth the reward in the end. We still hope and pray that God would bless us, in His time. We would be thrilled with whenever it happens. And while one day we may embark upon another long journey, it will be different this time around. Because WE are different.
People may call us crazy. They may not get it. But there is a joy that has now risen in our hearts after years of bitterness creeping into spaces we never knew existed. There is a new found appreciation for one another. And healing going on where we never realized healing needed to be. We are following our dreams. Dreams that God has dreamed in us. Dreams that may seem crazy to other people.
Dreams of gardening for a living. Of having a house full of children. Of being a labor and delivery nurse. Dreams of being the light in this dark world. Of leading families to Christ. Dreams that only God could dream in us.
"Who, but You, would ever choose to dream Your dream in me?
Tell me who, but You, would dare me to believe what I can't see
Who, but You?"
(Who But You from The Story. Sang by Mark Hall and Megan Garret)
Who but you, God? Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to follow you. For placing dreams upon our heart that only you can fulfill. For bringing us closer together, and thus closer to you Lord. You are an amazing, mighty God. And my heart overflows with joy and thankfulness.
