Rollercoaster

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. My faith walk with God has felt like a roller coaster lately, except for the low points instead of feeling exhilarating with that pit in your stomach that brings excitement and adrenaline....the low points bring isolation, loneliness, condemnation from Satan, lies being whispered (or shouted) in your ear, and this leach that sucks joy from your life.

Yes this is where I have been. Disappointment with placement in clinical. Self condemnation for poor house keeping skills, condemnation for needing to finish school and work and have this beautiful blessing that most days I feel I do not deserve, and in turn start to believe that I am not deserving of another baby one day.

Listening more to what the world says gives me value. Comparing myself with others. Condemning myself for every little thing that I am not doing good enough, every little thing I am not able to hold up to standards set by myself. I haven't laughed much. I haven't read my Bible much. Praying comes at night time and during the day time often filled frustrated words, even sometimes filled with cuss words, towards God because I have been in this horrible place where my tongue has definitely not been tamed. 

I love the exhilarating heights and despise the isolating lows. And unfortunately in my walk as a Christian I have found myself in the pits more often than I would care to admit. And definitely more often than I believe Christ wants me there. 

I'm not certain what the walk with Christ is supposed to be like. I know that everyone's journey is different. But I am not certain how many Christians would agree that it feels like you are a passenger on a Rollercoaster ride. I believe our walks should be more like a dirt road where you continue on in spite of any bumps, rocks, potholes, or stinky roadkill. You don't mind pay much attention to the steep hills or winding paths because of your steadfast walk beside Christ. 

As much as I love Rollercoasters I am so ready to get off from this emotionally and spiritually daunting ride and trade it in for a more intimate, steady relationship with Christ.