October

This month stirs up so many emotions in me from reflecting upon those 5 precious lives we lost before Matthew, to the 7 we have lost since Matthew, to the women still walking infertility, to those wishing and praying for a precious baby to call their own after loss, to the parents that buried their babies that were called to heaven too soon, and the families of early loss that are left wondering if they had a son or daughter.

It makes my heart ache. It always has. Even before I walked this road I would cry when it was spoke about on the radio, cried as a friend reached out and told me about her loss and their struggle with trying to conceive.

In that valley, it can feel so dark. So lonely. So isolating. I turned my back on God during that time...going through the motions. I stopped praying. I stopped speaking to him. I focused on the pain, the hurtful words spoken unknowingly by others. Until one day late at night, doing laundry and listening to worship music...I found God again. Tears fell down my face as I declared it was enough. I was tired of feeling defeated. I was tired of feeling hopeless. I leaned on scripture harder than I can honestly say I have ever done in my walk with the Lord.

I wanted to be able to come out filled with joy and Jesus in spite of our circumstances so that this Psalm would be able to ring true for my life.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
PSALM 40: 3, NLT

I can't say that life has always been easy since that moment. Life seems to always get in the way of living with and for Jesus, doesn't it? At least for me anyways, I stumble and I fall but when I remember to find my footing on Jesus and seek the hope and joy that I have in Him and find the strength to face another day. Most of the time with the ability to smile and laugh at the day to come.