Infertility Strikes

I found this edited post back from January 2015, and it broke my heart to read it, but is such a great reminder of the rawness in my heart at times. 

I am most comfortable in my skin when there is a pen in my hand or facing a screen pouring my heart and soul into thoughts visible for the world to see. Much easier to pour the words out with tears running down cheeks than letting them flow uncomfortably in front of others at times.

My heart is breaking again. We are officially the most fertile infertile couple I know. Staying pregnant is our issue. I don't know which is worse, never seeing a positive test or now saying we have 12 babies in Jesus' lap. So many comments have came flooding in the past month and a half. "Maybe you guys should think about stopping trying." "Maybe you need to let your body rest." "Maybe you should take a break" "It's too painful to continue this way." "At least you have Matthew." "Again?!" And then the people that get it say things like "Matthew really is a miracle." "My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry."

I'm to the point that every baby deserves to be celebrated...but I am weary of the loss. The grief. The looks or comments that make me feel stupid for having hope. Much like the same voices that tried to make me doubt that whisper from God that he would bless us. When we were a year and a half into trying and 3 or 4 losses at that point.

I don't know why he chose this path for us to be on. I hate the fact that we have so many babies waiting for us in Heaven. Some days it makes me feel like a baby killer, other days it makes me so angry and sad that God would create life just to take it away.

It has impacted both of us terribly. My heart hurts on an almost daily basis. James has almost reached the last straw. We have to make a time to sit down and talk about how many more losses we will go through before James goes to get snipped. My heart mourns that talk, that decision, possibly as equally as our losses. Closing the door. Telling God we aren't welcoming him to move in the expansion of our family or having faith that he can sustain a pregnancy in my hostile uterus.

I wonder often if this ache is one that will never go away. It may fade but, you cannot erase the impact of infertility. It has drawn James and I closer together. It has put a wedge between some friends and family. It has wounded my ability to feel fully comfortable with friends at times because I have one foot in feeling infertile and yearning for more children and the other in motherhood. That might not make sense to some.

I know no one in person that has my same issues with infertility. It can feel lonely sometimes. Disheartening.  Maddening.

One thing is for certain I am not ready to throw in the towel but rather make sure we have the kitchen sink ready to be thrown at our issues before we close this door.