A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb,
But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.
Proverbs 27:7
We got back to our lodge Saturday night after all the emotional breakthroughs. I was exhausted, but thought I needed to balance out all that emotion by connecting with other women and laughing, smiling, and enjoying the life that Jesus gave me. I had been looking forward to games, but instead they pulled out questions like conversation starters. I listened for a bit and participated but soon my head started yearning for my pillow. I was tired.
I got into my bed and felt a little nudge. I looked to make sure I had read my devotion for the day. And then saw one of the books on my kindle app. "Every Bitter Thing is Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I felt another nudge, read it. I thought, are you sure? I am so tired. But my mind was racing.
As laughter fell on my ears from the living room area, God tugged at my heart. Proverbs 27:7 was the first verse in the book. I was SO hungry for God. The first chapter was on Sara's walk though infertility. She knew my heart, it was there on the screen before my eyes! She knew my pain. What it was like to be around other women when they had children, and to feel left out of the "club". She also made another good point, that I so often forget to apply to others. She said, "Like most pain, until you have known it for yourself, you are blind to it." Women didn't mean to hurt me in their laughter and joy talking about babies, labor, delivery, or saying things like "You can have one of mine!" They weren't trying to be insensitive. They were simply blind to my pain, because they hadn't walked it, or had someone show them what the path was even like.
She didn't hide her pain, her hurts, or her tears. I loved these paragraphs
But I was finding Him. In the places I had feared most and spent a lifetime avoiding. He was meeting me. My worst, my very worst moments were getting rewritten without circumstances changing.....He was showing me Himself as strong enough. He was letting me hide in Him, letting me find a safe place.
And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant fumbling would annoy him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me.
And I felt hungry.
....I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted.
I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me.
Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive.
I don't know about you, but to be honest...my faith doesn't
The evil one has definitely found good ammo towards me: Bitterness. It stops the connection with Christ, literally I stop speaking with Him. I stop praying. I draw away from others that may tell me about Him. It isn't intentional. It is just the manipulative way that the devil grabs a hold of me, and draws me away from the presence of God. Just like that. He uses life circumstances to say, "See God doesn't care. Where was he when that happened?" or "That person doesn't care, so why should you?When was the last time you got a text, or an email, or a call from that person?" Simple as that. And instead of fighting it with God's word, I feel disheartened and let the lies overcome my heart and mind.
The last session at the retreat was about finding Healing in Jesus. Just like the night before, Jesus showed up. Just like he always does when we call on Him. Even if it isn't in ways that we wish or expect.
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.
James 4:8
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep His promise.
Hebrews 10:23
Fiona quoted Hebrews 10:19-22. She spoke about how we should carry the confidence to join God beyond that curtain, the same curtain that Jesus tore down for us in His death on the cross. How can we hang out in the hallway, instead of joining Christ at the alter? Why are we not taking the effort? Why are we not being determined? After all if a King invited you to see him in this life, would you debate about what your reply would be? So how can we continue to ignore Jesus? Why do we believe the lies of Satan that we are not Holy enough to enter? Jesus washed us clean, he has paid the price...and the door is wide open for us. Yet, so many of us continue to be content just hanging out in the hall instead of joining him in an intimate relationship.
For me, it is because I believed the lie that I was strong enough to face life and all the challenges it brought me on my own. I believed the lie that I didn't feel the connections at our new church because no one cared about me. I believed the lie that I didn't need Christian women in my life because it was too hard being around them when no one knew what my pain was like.
Just reading it, doesn't it sound vile and that I should have been able to see right through it? But I didn't. So I craved Jesus at times, but made excuses why going to small group just wasn't worth it each Monday. I saw women with their multiple children and thought, they really don't want to know about how infertility is still hurting my heart and my walk with the Lord. I said yes to working more Sundays, without evaluating why it was getting so easy to say Yes to work, and No to Jesus.
Let us not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another,
especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.
Hebrews 10:25
I need other women. I need to spend time with those that share the same love of God. I need to make time for Christ and spend time encouraging others and allow them to encourage me.
Fiona poised this question, and I will ask you it too...Who is God asking you to pray for and with? Don't just flippantly ask the question, but pray over it. Expect him to show up. I will be honest, so many came to my mind at first. Those that I wish knew Jesus. But the one that stuck, was the woman that was there that weekend. The same women that I had started to listen to His promptings months ago to write her a little post-card. That's as far as the letter got. Written, but not sent. I now feel God saying, see I made a way still. Had you listened to me...the journey to get her to come would have been SO much easier. Pray for those that Jesus puts on your mind, and obey when he calls you to do something. The names don't just pop into your head out of no where. Believe that it is Jesus, and follow his lead. When you are afraid to obey, be bold and step out in faith.
At this point, the lyrics of "Shout Unto God" came to my mind. I meditated on them.
The enemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold You down,
Gonna lift my voice in victory, going to make our praises loud
Death hadn't kept Jesus away from me. He defeated Satan just like that. He already has won, victory is ours. Why do I live like I don't know who is going to win the battle?
At this point Fiona asked us to take and write on a sticky note, what we wanted to give to God and/or what we felt like God was trying to give to us and we wanted to receive it. Then take it to the cross and pin it there.
When I told James about this exercise, he asked me if I had to use a whole stack of sticky notes. Hardy har har. Such a jokester, but he knows my heart. So indecisive usually....but God was moving. The Holy Spirit had rained down once more.
I will tell you what I wrote...I wanted to give him my pain, bitterness, and sorrow. And that I accepted from Him the challenge to be Recklessly Bold and to find the ability once more to find Joy in Trials. Ugh, that last one was so hard to write out. I sat and looked at it. And even re-wrote it. Unsure if I was truly up for that challenge. Even now I feel that pit in my stomach, like "What were you thinking? Do you know what you have accepted? Do you realize that you are saying you will follow Jesus WHEREVER He takes you? You are nuts. Plain and simple. Crazy."
As if I didn't have those questions and statements running through my head, I got up to the cross...and my tack would not go in. Seriously, I pushed and pushed and pushed. I had to pick 2 or 3 different spots before I could get that darn thing to stay up on the cross. Now I realize it was God saying, "This isn't going to be easy. Are you sure you want to put your trust in me? Are you sure you are ready to let go and let me rule over every aspect of your life?" I pushed on, and that's what we have to do in this life.
The enemy has been defeated. But he wants us to believe he hasn't. Death couldn't hold Jesus in the grave. But the enemy wants us to believe he didn't die for us, or that he has forgotten about us. You may want to lift your voice, or your hands in praise and claim the victory that Jesus has done in your life. But Satan will do everything in his power to talk you out of it. He will tell you your story isn't important. That you will look or feel stupid if you open your heart. He will whisper these lies to you until you believe them, unless you guard your heart with the scripture you should have treasured inside of it.
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
But I tell you, I have come to give you a rich and satisfying life.
John 10:10
He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.
1 John 4:4
God has called us to fervent prayers, he asks us to come to him expectantly with big bold prayers. Because He who is in YOU is greater than he who is in the world. He is an overcomer, and that gives you the ability to overcome. You can do it.
I really want to keep going, but I feel like this post has gotten too long already. In reality, God probably just wants me to ponder over that last day a little bit longer before I write about it. So I leave you with this question to pray about. What area does God want to heal in you? Ask him, come boldly before him, and ask him what area in you life would he wish to lay hands on you and heal? Anything. Nothing is too big, or too small. Because our God is greater than death itself, and he can overcome anything in this world. To top it off, he finds you oh so worthy.
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