Weekend with Jesus - Part 3

At this point the events are beginning to blend together. I had came into the weekend not naming the hurts associated with infertility as bitterness...but Jesus showed me that indeed was what my pain, waiting, and tears had turned into once again. It made my soul cry out to Jesus. I was once more where I swore I would never again be. 

I wondered why it felt like things felt so out of order when reflecting on things. It seems that I have went a bit out of order. Missing my notes on Giving God Your Future. Must have been God's plan, that I needed to reflect on the every day walk with Jesus sooner, rather than later. Regardless, seeing the name of this session at hand made my heart hurt. Infertility causes you to question even the simplest of things. Such as how, if, and when Jesus will choose to help you grow your family. It cut to the deepest parts of my soul where the pain had been so deep, that it was seeping into all areas of my life. Like poison in a rushing river, flooding into all the connecting bodies of water.

The first truth that Fiona spoke over us was that we are all adopted children of God, and to trust in the future God has planned for us means trusting that he is a good parent.

Let that wash over you. How much of your future do you cling on to as your own, not letting God have full reign over it? Do you think of yourself as a good parent? Think about the moments when you try to guard your child from danger and bless them, the dreams that you have for them....God wishes the same for you and me. Does it leave you feeling speechless? Because at times it makes me feel that way.

Adoption doesn't happen by accident. Think of adoption in this world. When it is chosen, there is often tons of paperwork to file, time to wait, and it is SO expensive. It is costly on all fronts, you invest in it with your emotions, time, and money. All for the hope of your future child. And in spite of all of the struggle we do it for the joy we anticipate will come to us in the form of a little child.

Ephesians 1:5
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

God used His Son, Jesus Christ, to stand in the gap for us. He used His blood to adopt us into His family. Why? Because he wanted to do it. Because it gave him great pleasure. It gave Him joy that he could finally know you and me. 

Giving God our future can be scary, much like giving Him our pasts. And while the past holds what we already know has happened, the future is a bit more complex. The future holds paths unbeknownst to us. The "what ifs" can become overwhelming to think about at times. The only"what if" we should ponder though is What IF we trusted God will all of our future. What if we held onto the promise that we are chosen and loved? What if we chose to turn our ears away from Satan and remember the promises God has written for us? What if we truly believed in Jeremiah 29:11 in our hearts?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

We are called to give our heart to Christ so that he can mold us into a new creation.

2 Corinthians 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

How does this new life begin? Lets look at Romans 8:14-17

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. 

 When God adopted you and I he sent the Holy Spirit into our lives, much like an adoption certificate, staking claim on our soul, stating that God is our father in heaven. A certificate that makes us sons and daughters of the one true King. A heir that will not only see the glory of God, but also have their hearts break for what breaks God's heart. You will see suffering. And somehow we have to make sure that our eyes stay above the water on Jesus while going through them, if not your heart strays. Let me tell you, I speak from experience.

Isaiah 43:2
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.    I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters,    I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty,    you will not drown.When you walk through the fire of oppression,    you will not be burned up;    the flames will not consume you.

Cling to God's promises. Hope in Him alone. Do not let your heart stray from His path. Do not let the murky waters of the future take away your hope and zeal for life. When worries try to invade remind yourself of these verses:

Psalm 39:7And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?    My only hope is in you.

1 Peter 5:7Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.

Matthew 6:33-34Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Seeking the kingdom of God means our eyes are fixed on what our heavenly father sees, not just on what we believe we need or want, but what others may need as well. Every little thing, not just the big things. It doesn't say, cast only the big things on God, it says cast ALL your cares on Him. It doesn't say He will give you everything you want, but you will have all that you NEED.

Fiona compared this life to camping. It is temporary. The only reason we can enjoy this life is because we know it is temporary. That one day we will be able to go home. It is much more enjoyable when keep our eyes on the fact that this is NOT our home. Look at 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 It's a good one, I promise. Maybe it will explain what I am trying to say here better than my words are expressing.

2 Corinthians 5:1
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 

 Saturday night God healed so many wounds within my heart. I cannot say that one day I won't pick back open the scabs or scars and have to look to Jesus to once again heal what has been causing me pain. So often I have felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers. I had been in a dry season. Where I listened to Satan whispering to me at every turn that even though I was still hurting people didn't want to hear about my hurts. That I was strong enough to face them alone. I couldn't connect with other women because of the scar tissue that had encased my heart in sorrow, bitterness, and unworthiness. I had been feeling like God really didn't care about me. Otherwise why in the bloody hell would he let us go through 12 losses? I was SO angry at God to the point that I stopped talking to Him on a regular basis. It was a dark dark path.

This weekend God lifted me out of that pit and set my feet upon solid ground, has steadied my feet, and placed a new song on my lips (Psalm 40). He showed up and met me more than half way, and dispelled so many anxious fears (Psalm 34:4-10). As I sat in my seat crying and pouring out my soul to him on paper, giving him the ability to rule over all areas in my life. Something within me broke open, and I am not talking about the waterfall that was a mingling downpour of my tears and nose....but my heart broke as I saw the pain he was feeling for me. I knelt before his throne, going against the pull of Satan once again telling me I didn't need anyone to pray for me or with me. I knelt there, after finishing my prayer on paper. Sobbing there at His feet. When God showed me He had heard my prayers through the lips of another woman.

Everything I had been praying about in my seat, poured out over me like a warm embrace in the form of a prayer for me. And I mean EVERYTHING. She brought up my infertility, my desire to be comforted, my wish for God to see the desires of my heart and change them to match up for what his plan is for us. For him to reign over all areas of my life. To take away the pain and bitterness causes by infertility. To help me to find joy once more. God was there. The Holy Spirit was moving. I do not think there was a dry eye in the entire house.

After I had finally collected myself a little bit I saw two women that asked how I was doing. I said I couldn't even explain how I was feeling and at the same time they both said, "He knows!" like the song "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp "He knows. He knows. Every hurt and every sting. He is in your suffering. He knows." (Listen to it, it is a good one!) More tears fell from my eyes.

Once more, I tried to collect myself. Tears were no longer flowing. The unending flow of snot had ceased it appeared. And then came our pastor's wife. She hugged me, like a warm hug from God. She told me that she felt like she needed to tell me She was proud of me, like God was proud of me. And that He knows....oh man alive. If any part left in me had questioned if any of the moments were from God...they were quenched. Within 15 minutes, 3 women told me that God knew.

He knows my heartache. He knows my pain. He knows my babies. He knows my future. He knows my desires. And for that I can praise Jesus. He isn't a god of wood, gold, or any other metal...he is ALIVE and living. And he cares for me. Even in the midst of deep sorrow. Even when I question if he is listening. He hears the cries of my soul and of my heart. Thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit and for bringing life into my heart soul and mind once again.

The great thing about all of this is that He knows your heart as well. He knows when you rise and when you lie down. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you are going to say before you say it. He knows. He wants to bless you, and go before you. He wants to breath life into your dry bones. Nothing can separate you from His Spirit. (Psalm 139) May you wash over that. May you look it up and reflect on it. And ask the Holy Spirit to come and fill you up with all that Jesus is and help you to find that peace that surpasses all understanding. May he wrap his arms around you and may you feel his presence with you in all that you do today. Jesus is alive my friend. It's time that we start living like we believe it. It's time that we give God the glory and allow him to work in all areas of our lives. He is knocking, all you have to do is let him in.