I sat there praying, letting God know that I knew in my heart of hearts that he was El Roi - the God who sees, but also Jehova Rapha - the God who heals. Slowly I got this image of this clear, familiar path. It looked comfortable, well traveled.
And then I heard God whisper, "That has been the path you have been on. The path of Bitterness."
It cut at me. I let Jesus know that I wanted to leave this path, to follow Him.
He showed me this overgrown path. It was covered with brambles, thorns, weeds, huge bushes. And I felt Jesus say, this is what you have let our walk together become.
My heart sank. I knew what he was tenderly telling my soul was right.
I prayed that he would make a path for me in the wilderness that was my soul's walk with Him, and let the path of bitterness become so overpowered by brambles, thorns, and bushes that I will never again be able to walk that path with ease and comfort.
Before this weekend I thought bitterness didn't have a foothold in my soul anymore. I thought I was just feeling down from the winter, from experiencing two losses through the holidays. I thought I was just the new "me". One that I wasn't too fond of. I thought the hurt of infertility had just damaged me. I was too wounded to have relationships with other women that didn't know what I had been going through. Lies. Lies that bound my heart in chains as I continued on that well traveled path away from God.
I don't know why I turn away from the presence of God. I know how GOOD he truly is. I know how horrible it feels to be outside of his presence and will for my life...yet I find myself on that path time and time again.
I think it is fear, and not the reverence type of fear towards God, but rather the fear that I will be too much, or not enough. The fear of being present before the feet of God while I work through my many emotions of anger, exhaustion, and that questioning that bubbles up in my soul from time to time of "Why me? Am I not 'good enough'? Why do you bless them, and you leave me to struggle?" The fear of being not enough for whatever it is that He is calling me to be. Too much and not enough.
It made me think of Peter. How so often I think I have the strength and am feeling filled with faith and mighty enough to join Jesus on the water, and then soon as the waves of life come....my eyes fall from His face, uncertainty fills my heart, soul, and mind. Then I am left feeling like Jesus has let me fall into the water, thrashing around in the mighty waves. When the truth is, Jesus was there all the time. He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. Wishing I would have the faith to stand.
In that moment it truly washed over me. How faithful God is. How mighty Jesus was to die for you and me. That Jesus promised that he would make my burdens easy and my yoke be light. He doesn't promise no suffering, but that in Him we will find the strength to carry on. Because of Jesus Sin has no power, he conquered the grave. The enemy has been defeated. Jesus has been victorious, and because of this YOU can be victorious. And so can I.
"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30
Leaving the retreat there was literally this weight off my shoulders, I have only experienced this one other time in my entire life. It was freeing. Life since the retreat hasn't changed much. Except I am trying to be more intentional at finding more time in my day for Jesus. Be it praying for myself and others, or soaking up the wisdom from The Bible. The world doesn't seem so gloomy any longer. God has truly placed a new song on my lips. And for that I am so thankful.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in Him.
Psalm 40:1-3
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