I have a confession to make. I had not had one night away from Matthew, with a few exceptions...like I was working third shift and the nights he spent in the hospital when he was just hatched and too fragile to come home. I have always struggled with feeling alone in a room, even if there may be many others in it that love me. I have within the recent years begun to struggle with connecting with other women. Feeling like "I can handle this on my own" or that I was "too busy" to get together with them, or that I was "alone" in this hurt and didn't want to "burden" others with my pain and trials. This weekend those lies were brought to light. I am worthy of some "me" time. I am cared for, loved, and Jesus calls me to find fellowship with other women so we can minister to each other's hearts.
I left home Saturday morning full of apprehension and expectation. I knew that Jesus would show up, he always does. I was anxious of awkward moments with others. Excited but exhausted from a long night of interrupted sleep Friday night. I had a fleeting thought about not going. I shook it off and headed towards the retreat.
I find an empty seat at the table, and felt comfort and thankfulness wash over me. I was with friends that I knew loved me and cared for me. And then the question was asked, essentially what baggage did you bring with you this weekend that you want to give to Jesus? Immediately I felt like I was clutching at my heart saying, "Already Jesus? You want to start this already?" And honesty poured out of my mouth before I could talk myself against speaking what had sprang up from the depths of my heart. The hurts from infertility. The feelings of not being able to connect with other women. And then, I felt a chain break.
The first session that I was present for was on Giving God your Past. Fiona, the speaker from Titus Women's Ministry, talked about how sometimes we are left feeling as if our sins are like those stubborn stains on a dirty white t-shirt. No matter how many ways or how many times you try to wash it, they just simply stay immobilized and unwilling to leave. Sin does that to us at times. It chains us down, immobilizes us. Until we learn what Jesus did for us at the cross. By His blood, he is able to wash those stains away...white as snow, but better than that He trades us that dirty t-shirt for a garment of salvation.
A garment of salvation? What? But this t-shirt is so comfortable. I have to give it up? Yes. Jesus has so much more planned for you and I than to cling to that dirty old t-shirt. Isaiah 61:10 speaks of how Jesus adorns us like a bride on her wedding day. A beautiful gown. The mountain top of beauty. He places the garment of salvation on us and adorns us with jewels. He does this for each and every one of us ladies. And it isn't something that we can do. We can scrub and scrub and scrub that dirty, old , stained t-shirt, but by our hands it is never going to turn into a sparkling gown for us to shine in. You have to be willing to let it go, unknown of how that salvation is going to look or feel to us. It is only by the blood of Jesus that we are able to drop that sin at His feet and find our true beauty.
Jesus carried OUR sins on the cross, not His. And guess what, even if it meant just saving you, he would have still chosen the cross so you could have salvation. It is only by His wounds that you and I are healed and can have life (1 Peter 2:24). Jesus has purchased our freedom through His death. God paid a huge price, by sending His son to die, so that Jesus could redeem us from our sin. He brought us out of the chains of slavery, be it to guilt, shame, fear, addiction, or whatever it is that you feel immobilized by. He died for your freedom. And He paid the price because He loves you.
You see, Jesus isn't like the Pharisees. He loves us in our brokenness. He isn't afraid to reach into the murky pit we are in. He will pull us out of that murky pit and wrap us in His love. He sees our sin and forgives us. He sees us as we are and loves us, seeing our true value. Jesus loves us through our messes in this life and forgives us all the same.
So many of us feel unworthy, too dirty, too dingy, too shameful, to be in his presence. We don't feel worthy to accept who Jesus is, and what all he has done for us. They are lies! You are worthy, beautiful, exciting, and loved. You are forgiven. All you have to do is believe it.
It is like the story in Luke about Jesus being Anointed by a sinful woman
Luke 7:36-50
36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
41 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
43 Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon,“Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
49 The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
50 And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”She shows such reckless determination. I love that word reckless. In a culture where it is seen as a a huge shame for a woman to speak to a man, let alone have your hair down in front of a man that is not your husband...she sits behind Jesus. She takes her alabaster jar or perfume. Which is probably the most valuable thing she owns and with her tears and the jar she pours it on Jesus's feet and washes them with her hair and anoints him with the most expensive thing she owns. She is aware of her shame. She acknowledges it, and comes to Jesus as she is, laying it all literally at his feet for him to see. Luke 7:48 and 50 says that like this woman you and I are forgiven. By faith we are saved. And like he says to this woman, he says to you and me, "Go in peace."
Don't you wish to go in peace? I know I certainly do. But in order to do that we have to lay all our hurts, shame, fear, guilt, and....whatever the "mess" of our life is, we have to lay it at Jesus's feet. We cannot expect to lock everything up, and pretend and hope it will no longer expect us. Otherwise our hearts will remain locked in chains, in slavery that Jesus never wished for us because by Him dying on the cross death, sin, slavery...it has all been defeated. To go in peace all we have to do is invite Jesus in, and release what bogs us down, until chain by chain all the chains wearing us down are broken.
Unfortunately, it is easier said than done. The enemy loves to whisper lies to our heart, trying to pick back up those chains and lock them to who we identify ourselves as. Satan lies to us, making us feel as if we are not worthy to give it all to Jesus and walk in the freedom He promises. Thankfully, like the Israelites God gives us second chances (and third, and fourth...you get the picture!) to turn back to him and pour out our praises and give our lives to Him. We don't have to just survive. We can thrive in Jesus's presence. If only we allow him place in our hearts to stay and are willing to accept his blessings. Thank you Jesus that your blood is enough for all of our sins. Can I get an Amen?
Here's the question we were left to ponder: what from your past do you need to hand over to Christ?
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