Weekend with Jesus - Part 2

The biggest reason I am writing this is to help me remember. To reflect on what God spoke to my heart. And to hope that maybe through these actions he will whisper truth into your heart. Or shout. Or shake you to wake you up. Whatever it takes! Yesterday I was reflecting on the weekend and the shame that Satan tried to whisper to me, "No one cares what He told YOU. Seriously, you are going to shout that to the mountain tops?" Shame. Unworthiness. Many might not get it, but I shook the thoughts away as I said to myself, even if they don't get any of it. Even if everyone thinks I am utterly stupid for sharing my heart, what if there is ONE person that needs to hear what I have to say  Jesus had spoke to me. 

After I went to the weekend retreat Walk to Emmaus after high school, I remembered them talking about "coming down from the mountain" like Moses when he came down from spending time with with God face to face. His face shown so brightly that people were afraid to face him. He had to wear a veil to hide the effects that God had left on him. Sometimes after spending time with God it feels a little like that. People might not recognize who you are, or think it is strange the way your life is impacted by God now. It feels a bit like that after any weekend retreat or moment in your life where God truly shows up. And without a doubt you are able to say, "That was Jesus." 

The second session was kind of about the days in between the mountain moments, when you fill spiritually filled, alive and full of fire, Choosing to spend every day with Jesus, and not be one of Israelites in the desert choosing to mold a calf out of gold. Or maybe a woman turning to food for comfort. Or an addict turning to drugs, alcohol, or sex for escape. You get the picture, don't you? We need Jesus.

While Fiona was talking on finding hope, satisfaction, and love in Jesus, and to stop looking for other "artificial fillers" to fill your broken places in your heart. I got a picture only someone in the medical field would appreciate. I saw Jesus packing my wounds with a packing strip. Much like I got to experience one day while working. Except this time he told me that I was the wounded woman. He was feeling the remorse, sadness, and simply wishing I would relax so He could fill up that wound right so that it could heal healthy as ever. He showed me that the same as I had been feeling, wishing that I could take that pain away for her as she cried....that he wished the same. The only difference is that he could. And just as I told the woman, "You are so brave. You are SO brave. I am so proud of you." He whispered to my heart, "You are so brave Jessica, now just relax. It might heart, but you have to let me do this in order for it to heal correctly. Take a deep breath and let go. Let me do what has to be done so we can move on from this place of pain."

John 6: 35 talks about Jesus being the bread of life. Think about it, we crave carbs, like bread, that's how it is supposed to be with Jesus. We are supposed to crave Him. We are supposed to eat from the banquet he has set before us. We aren't supposed to turn to other items for advice, comfort, hope, satisfaction, or love. HE is our sustenance. If only we would let him take up that place. 

And before you start to listen to the enemy whisper or shout into your ears and heart that you are not WORTHY of such greatness, kindness, and love....read Isaiah 55:1-2

“Is anyone thirsty?    Come and drink—    even if you have no money!Come, take your choice of wine or milk—    it’s all free! 

Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?    Why pay for food that does you no good?Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.    You will enjoy the finest food.

Jesus is waiting for you to come to him. Even if you feel you have nothing or are worth nothing....he sets before you a banquet of promises. Richness of life. God says, stop buying into all that junk, it doesn't fill you up. It doesn't strengthen you. Don't follow the world, follow me. Listen to me and hear what I am telling you. Come to the table and sample the riches of life, not just wine or milk...but wisdom, truth, unceasing love, and hope.

Fiona was really amazing and drew out the picture of this eating at God's table and symbolism for what it truly means. At one point she said that we are supposed to not just chew on God's word, but to savor it. We aren't supposed to just hear it, but rather listen to it. We aren't supposed to just read it, but pray through it. Because Jesus didn't die for us to just survive, He did so so we could Thrive!

We are supposed to let Jesus lead us into God's higher ways of living, and not be content believing that the bread the Jesus has to offer is dry, stale, and unpleasing to your palate. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,    so my ways are higher than your ways    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. 

Can I get an amen? Praise the Lord that His ways are not our ways, and that he thinks things far beyond our capacity of comprehension. Because simply we are like children, or worse...teenagers believing that we know what is best in our lives. It is evident when we look at the world around us that we as humans do not know best. And as much as we fight against our parents as children and teenagers...God is still there loving you through it, and wishing He was guiding you more closely. He wants to lead you into His way of life. He wants to embrace you in His love and show you how to live.

I have to admit, I have fallen into this category. I have my Bible set up to do a reading plan. I find myself dragging my feet wanting to just read it so it can be done and over with. Wanting to be able to say, "There I have finally read book, every verse in the Bible." When really...I have been reading, but not seeing. I have been hearing, but not listening. You can know what the Bible says, and what it means, and still be alone in that place. I felt the reminder that even the Devil knows what's in the Bible....but he is still separated from God.

Fiona's advice has been to pray before reading God's word. Ask him to open your heart and mind, to meet you where you are, and to receive the word. In the short day of being home it has changed the way I am reading the Bible. I was reading Hosea. And who would have ever thought that I would begin to think that I Jessica Nicole Hillard, have been a prostitute. Gomer is me. I had strayed from God, I knew he loved me, I knew that when I was close to Him my life flourished, but instead of clinging to Him...I chose to focus my attention elsewhere. These reflections might be best saved for another day. But it made my heart drop. It made my heart ache. And I have to believe that if I had not prayed, "Jesus, show up today. Lead my thoughts about these passages." that I would have just read that story and thought, "What a crazy stupid woman. She has a man that loves her and still she chooses to sleep around with other men? She chooses to turn away from her husband and her children?" Ha. He definitely got my attention.

Fiona was a fascinating speaker, she found ways to place connections on things so you would truly get it. She talked about how some people cannot see sin like they cannot see dirt. I am sure you can think of TV shows that you watch and think, "How can they live in that filth?" Well our lives can be like that with sin, we see others and think, "How can they live like that?"

Further than that, some people can see the dirt and cannot find a way to clean it up or keep it clean. And this is where people can see their own sin, know that it needs to change, but find it hard and basically impossible to change from their old ways into the ways that the Holy Spirit calls us into.

But we are not alone, even if you are one that cannot see the mess, or see it and cannot keep it clean, and even if you feel your house is spotless...the Holy Spirit never leaves you. He stays with us where ever we are at. The Holy Spirit makes a home in us, he continues to abide in us and helps us to mold our hearts into a likeness of Jesus. Changing our thoughts, motives, desires, and helping us to get rid of whatever trash and dirt that may be taking up space for Jesus to move in our lives.

Ezekiel 36:26-27
26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

A line from Hillsong's song "You are Here" echoed in my heart in a new light. "The same power that conquered the grave lives in me." It washed over me. And if you know me, I love music...so soon another song filled my thoughts. I heard Chris Tomlin singing, "Whom shall I fear?" I praised God. As He brought to my heart another song by Hillsong - "You are Welcome in This Place." But just that line letting Him know that he was so welcome in my heart, in my life, at the retreat, in my wounded places, and I was so thankful that He showed up. As if I ever doubted He would.

And from here I tell you, events start to blur together like the tears that had been falling from my eyes. God showed up. And when the Holy Spirit moves, you know great things are going to happen.