This past weekend was the women’s retreat and it wasn’t the same as years past. I brought Gabby so sleep was a little more interrupted. Less games were played. Less middle of the night chats with friends. More baby snuggles and lots more gear was brought to the retreat.
More things I had never thought I would ever experience.
I missed the first session. My normal happy daughter was suddenly struck with a spirit that made her cry over every last little thing and I was suddenly short, angry, and so over her big emotions. I almost cancelled going to the retreat. No joke. It was so hard to get around, it was so hard to pack the van. It was HARD. After taking to Jen and telling her I wish I wasn’t going essentially. I yelled at Satan and told him he wasn’t going to steal my joy. He wasn’t going to pain my little girl any longer. And most importantly he wasn’t going to stand in the way of God and what he had for me at this retreat.
Then I waited 30 minutes in the Taco Bell drive through. I thought SERIOUSLY?!? But then the small joy was I was able to have Jennifer ride from charlotte to shipshewana with me.
So day 1 wasn’t what I anticipated. We missed the session. So I looked through a friend’s notes and looked forward to day 2.
Be still. What story did Ellen use? Hannah. Oh how this story speaks to my heart. I knew it was going to be good.
A few of my favorite things Ellen said was, “An untold story never heals.” And “Diaries might have ruined us if they continue to be the only place our secrets live. It’s time to expose our secret burdens.”
Maybe this is why I loved blogging while going through infertility. Or why I love writing for others to read if they so choose. It isn’t just for me. It’s the act of freeing this internal burden that I once carried and sharing it not only with others but with our Big Mighty God.
“When you feel God hasn’t fulfilled His promises or covenant you need to fall back on what you KNOW about God.”
I remember a breaking point in my faith. When I had to decide even if God didn’t give us a take home baby I would love Him anyway. I remember after each miscarriage after Matthew again with shaky faith asking God Why? I remember in the quiet stillness of the night while singing along to music and folding laundry I was asked in my heart if I believed he was the same God that created Matthew. And if he did it once, couldn’t he do it again? So I cried out yes! And waited. By loss number 13 my husband was ready for a vasectomy if it meant less pain. I was also trying to take back the reigns from God. I cried in my car one late night coming home from work. Crying out to God about the injustice of it all. And didn’t he promise me another baby? Did I hear him wrong? So he spoke to my heart again, “Do you want to build your family, or build my kingdom?” Was me having children more important than Gods plan for His kingdom of believers? So I prayed for my womb to be closed until he was ready to give me another take home baby. Two years ago at the women’s retreat I prayed for God to reopen it. One year ago I went to the retreat with a big round belly with Miss Gabby inside. This year I had her in my lap. And new prayers flowed from my heart.
For my momma to come to Jesus. For her to sit at a women’s retreat with me and find the love that God has for her. For Gabby and I to share sweet moments at a women’s retreat when she’s older. For Gabby to not have to find God the way I found God but to know Him all the days of her life.
For Matthew to have these moments with James. And late night conversations with me as he ages about the love of God or what Gods been teaching Him in the Bible. About scripture and about life in general.
Be Still. Stop rushing and waiting for the next phase. Flourish where you are planted. God is always available, just take the time to look to Him.
“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.”
Psalms 37:3-7 NLT
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