Hope

Can I be honest with you for a moment? Facebook reminds me today that in 2012 we announced that we were finally expecting Matthew. In 2015 I posted on father's day about never knowing if we would ever get to be parents. And where am I at in 2017? Lost at sea possibly, lost among dreams never realized, among pieces of broken heart, on tear stained ground that once held a sea of tears that has long dried up.

Every month and year that passes, if I'm honest with myself, my hope for the future slowly dies. The hope for future children that is. If I'm ever so honest with myself my faith in God starts to fade as my hope dies. I'm fairly certain they go hand in hand. When I am walking closer with God, I know that He holds my babies in His hands. I know that one day Matthew will (probably) have a sibling. I know whose I am and who I am. I don't know how it happens, slowly day by day I turn away from God and choose to follow attainable fleshly desires instead of those that threaten to hurt my heart.

I used to have this amazing community online of fellow bloggers that I felt like I truly knew and connected with because we were walking the same path together. Now a days, I feel like a stranger to most people. How many people have you met that have lost as many babies as we have? How do I relate to people that can accidentally look at someone the wrong way and get pregnant? Why did the Lord place the desire in me to be a labor and delivery nurse? Seems bizarre to me, "I think we'll let her have infertility and joy in working with mom's and babies." I have lost my joy in the Lord lately friends. Stuck between loss of hope and fear to hope once more. That's where I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a dismal place truly.

Because when you lose hope in one area of your life I think it saps energy and hope from other areas of your life. It saps joy from all other aspects. It's this horrid cyclic event that is never ending until you focus your eyes on Jesus. And I guess that's what I am going to try to do. I might be struggling to stay above water but at least I know the one who created me in His image, no matter how often I may think he created me quite imperfectly (Hello unicornuate uterus and my plethora of issues).

Today I am praying along side of Psalm 38. The cry of David asking God to remember him. I know that our God is a God who bows low to listen to the cries of my heart. They do not enter a deaf ear. Something I am trying to reteach myself. I'm trying to remind myself that there is always room for hope because God is a God who loves and who hears my every cry.

"I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."

Psalm 38:8-9

"I am waiting for you, O Lord..."

Psalm 38:15

"Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God. 

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior."

Psalm 38:21-22