Struggle Bus

Lately I have been the driver of the struggle bus. No joke. Everything seems hard. My anxiety is coming back. I may need to get back on medication type of anxiety.

I used to be able to write without worrying who would read or what they would think. Sometimes I don't know that lady anymore. Sometimes I am just exhausted 24/7 and I think it is working night shift.

Other times I remember giving up caffeine when I wanted to get pregnant so badly. I was working nights. I spent time alone with God quite often. We made it to church weekly. I didn't go to Bible Study but we met with friends more frequently. Working nights I was able to exercise daily and somehow have energy on my days off.

My lifestyle lately is so different. Night shift has me a zombie during the daylight hours. On days off Matthew and I have been known to sleep in until 10 or 11. I feel like a slug and slowly beginning to look like one as more days then not I become one with the couch and my double chin eats my neck.

You can laugh. But I'm being honest here.

I started playing my clarinet in a band which was so good for me...but it also meant giving up Women's well. I stopped going to my Bible Study. And the only group I remained somewhat connected to was my MOPS group because I signed up to serve. We have transitioned from the family that used to go to churc weekly sometimes for both services to going like once a month.

If I am placing my feet in a church service once a month you can probably imagine how often my hands and eyes are on a Bible. I just went 8 days without barely batting an eye at reading the devotions on my phone.

The same phone that comes with me everywhere. It's so annoying.

Tonight a good reminder came from Matthew as he, in his overly tired state, sobbed that our gold impala is (finally) going to the junk yard tomorrow. He sobbed that he loved the gold car. That it was fast, his favorite. That he wished we had put new parts on it to drive it instead of our red car. He was a hot mess.

And then God spoke to both of us at once. I told Matthew about how the Bible says not to store up our treasures on Earth. That the things here don't matter because they aren't alive and won't spend forever with God.

His 4 year old response? "I don't want them to take the car to the crusher machine. I don't want the car to get killed."

I tried explaining that things like cars aren't alive. I don't think I got through. But man alive it was so sweet to see him sobbing and saying good bye to that Gold rust bucket. But I couldn't help but wonder how often God feels like that about me? The parent bemused that the kiddo isn't comprehending the life lesson that's trying to be taught.

Probably too often if I am honest.

I'm doing a devotion on walking with God through Miscarriage on my Bible app. It said, "God wants our trust put in Him alone, not our circumstances.  God has allowed certain circumstances in each of our lives so that we can in return use these experiences to bring Him glory as well as help others who are going through the same thing."

In the past I have known this and clung to it. Lately I haven't been thinking at all about God instead thinking about me and earthly things. So here's to hoping for change. And the Bible says all that hope will not be put to shame. ♡