Bittersweet

Tonight I was pouring my heart out to God. Sorting through left over, painful scars from infertility. Wounds that I wish would heal without anymore pain.

Wounds that I wish I could forget most days. Wounds that I feel have tainted my joy for others some days. Especially when I see reflections or remember where we were 4 years ago. Facing our fifth loss with only a tiny thread of hope left. Only to have Christ sweep in and deliver this amazing little miracle to us, our goofy boy named Matthew.

You see, I want to fully rejoice with those who rejoice over having a baby instead of the painful reminder bubbling up time and time again. I desperately want Christ to remove our infertility or to remove the pain and desire to carry another baby in my womb.

And then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, "Do you want another baby more? Or would you rather build my kingdom?"

I don't know fully the meaning of it. But I do know with my heart and soul I do not want to get in the way of God. I want people to choose Him. I know our story can be part of that. But it is so darn hard to walk this path.

I am learning so many things about myself since starting this antidepressant/antianxiety medication. Feeling things I haven't allowed myself to feel in quite some time. I carry a wounded heart that only Jesus can heal. A wounded heart that he looks at and sees a masterpiece in the making. Even if I am feeling like a mess in the moment.

It's a little bittersweet to know that because of my hope in Christ it makes it possible to have hope in circumstances such as these, even when the sense of hopelessness tries to take over. It is bittersweet to know that even in my brokenness God wishes me no harm, but rather to use it for His Kingdom. Some days my heart says, "Bring it!" And other says, I want to hide and not move from my couch.

And then I hear the sweet whispers of Christ, in the midst of the darkness, crying out to me, come home. Let me tell you all that you have ever done. Let me help you walk through the tough times. Let me help you find joy and laughter once more.

And I answer, Lord I am coming. Help me walk through this. Let me see my life through your eyes.