This Present Darkness

I was listening to the audiobook by Peretti of “This Present Darkness” and felt myself engulfed by the reality of the truth depicted in the minutes that passed by. Spiritual warfare is alive and true, it is the world that surrounds us. Yet, we live our lives completely unware and ignorant of what is taking place. We tend to fear it. We tend to hate flesh and blood, the tangible things that we can see touch and feel. We act like only guardian angels can exist, that demons do not try to grab ahold of us. Like this hidden world around us holds no power at all. Like it is a twisted fairy tale, saved for paranormal youth fiction, not something that is true and written about in the Bible.

It’s real. Friends, the Bible speaks on it. It tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood. Black and white on paper, you cannot choose to believe one passage and forget another.

Ephesians 6:12
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

How can we believe the Bible, and not believe in the unseen war going around us?

The illustrations that was poured out of my speakers brought to life this war. From the ways the demons were thinking, how they were trying to orchestrate and change people’s thinking to make it so they were farther and farther from God…it gave me goosebumps. My heart had just been reminded about the power and goodness of Jesus at the women’s retreat, and here the book reminded me of how powerful Satan can be if we choose to allow him to have that power over us. It reminded me of how we have to pray daily and fervently for the things and people that are placed on our hearts.

The passages on prayer, the depictions of angels showing up and not letting the demons enter closely into the church. Or the battles between angels and demons. I became overwhelmed by the power of Jesus. The power of prayer…I got this heart-felt ache of what our world could be like if we were brave enough to step out of our little box we tend to place Jesus in, find the courage to truly be His vessel to share the light into the world. The Acts church. A revival. Prayer freeing people from their challenges at hand. Tears came to my eyes and my arms broke out in goosebumps that I choose to believe were God bumps. Prayer with faith even as small as a mustard seed. Isn’t it time we start believing that the book that we tend to use as a paper weight is truly a book that is filled with living and breathing promises from God to each of us that have been adopted into the Christian family.

Hebrews 4:12For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Ephesians 6:10-18The Whole Armor of GodA final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

I get so passionate about this subject because I know both sides of the coin. I lived in darkness. Depression engulfed me; I turned to Wicca, tarot cards, astrology, horoscopes, superstitions, Ouija boards, spells, scary movies. I hated, pushed away those that tried to talk to me about Jesus….even though I knew nothing about Him. I remember fear gripping me as a child, seeing dark figures cross the wall of my bedroom and the racing in my chest when I went upstairs by myself every night. I went to church with a friend when I was little but I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and that I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I remember the feeling of "importance" that came over me when I was doing all of this the things I listed because I was good at it. I truly believe I accepted the power of demons. It makes my heart ache to think about that. I walked comfortably and confidently in my beliefs. I don’t even remember what drew me in, but it drew in another friend at the same time, and we drew other girls from our school in as well. I have seen the draw of Satan, the power that he makes you believe you have. All lies, a fallacy that clung to me like iron chains. I cannot tell you how long after accepting and believing in Christ it was before I threw away my deck of tarot cards. It pained me.

I am certain the angels were rejoicing that day, because it was one step closer to me truly living my life for Jesus. I feel like I could be labeled a heretic for saying such things, but I truly believe that Jesus has something big planned for my family, for me. It takes courage to say that "out loud" because I hear the echoes that tell me I am not worthy to be called to do something for Jesus, that no one would choose to hear about Jesus through me because my past is too stained. You see, I truly believe Satan tried to send demons to draw chains around my heart to bind him to him and away from Jesus so that I could draw more people into the darkness…and away from the light of Jesus.  There is this shaking fear within me that Jesus has called me and my family something bigger that would blaze and shine Gods light, more unfathomable of what I could imagine.

And then sometimes I feel stuck, believing the lies that are thrown at me. That I am not able to be a warrior for Christ because my life is too messy, or that I am too insignificant. Isn't it time we cling to what the Bible truly says to us?

Be brave and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

While listening to This Present Darkness I would explain to James what the characters were like and the oppression the town was under. He said to me, “Kind of like Lake O?”

It washed over me, the truth in his statement. Isn't it time we stand up (or maybe even kneel) and believe that our prayers matter? Isn't it time we tell Satan to flee and pray for men and women to start listening to the cries that Jesus has for them? That the teens would experience a relationship with Jesus that is truly like a friendship and not just religion? That our churches in the community would experience a true revival. That the Holy Spirit would be present and so thick that chains would be broken, people healed, new believers coming to Christ on a weekly basis, worship that brings you to the feet of Jesus. Can you imagine a church like that? I have experienced it, and my heart aches for it once more.

I could go on and on about this topic. I am so passionate about it. I believe in prayer, that Jesus and His heavenly armies stand with us when we pray. We are more than capable, not because of ourselves, but because of Jesus and the holy gift that he gave those who believe in him, adoption into his family, a heritage that comes with ability to cast out demons, defeat addictions, heal those that are hurting, and bring forth new disciples to become fishers of men.

I am praying for you, whoever is reading this now that the Holy Spirit would come and lift you up, showing you what Jesus wishes for you. That you would feel this burden to pray for whoever it is that Jesus has placed on your heart, and he will tug at your heart until you are obedient to his calling. I am praying that you will find courage and bravery to step forward and spread the light of Jesus the way that he has planned for you. That your faith would grow from this tiny mustard seed to this bush that runs rampant and takes over all aspects of your life. Love you friends!

A Beautiful Inheritance

Tonight before bed I asked James, "Do you ever feel like God is moving and something big is going to happen but you dont know what?" I went on to tell him I would read because I couldn't sleep. My mind, soul, and heart were racing with  excitement, uncertainty,  and anticipation of the work that Jesus is going to do.

Earlier today I was listening to a broadcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss titled "A Beautiful Inheritance". Before it started I felt this feeling telling me it was going to be a good one.

It started and it was talking about the point in Joshua's life when they were casting the lots for each tribe of people. She pointed out that the chapters about dividing up the land were more than those of heroic times in Joshua's story but people seem to skip over them. Afterall, casting lots make it sound like it was really up to chance. I mean how lucky was the tribe that got huge chunks of land, and how unfortunate was the tribe that got the smallest? Isnt that how we look at our lives? How blessed is she who has xyz, and how unfortunate or cursed am I because xyz happened/didn't happen. When in reality everything is up to God.

Psalms 16:5 NLT
lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

If everything is up to God, and he works everything for good for those who love him...does that include me? I love him. Does that mean everything I have been "dealt" God had his hand on me during it all? This beautiful mess I live is an inheritance from God?

Even the years I walked without knowing him?
Yes Saul became Paul.

Even my infertility?
Yes, Hannah gave birth to Samuel. Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Elizabeth gave birth to John.

Even whatever it is that you are questioning, God was there somehow. Ask Him to show you. Where was he in that moment, how should it have or will it shape your heart to better further His kingdom? Does it add to your testimony about God's goodness? Did you allow it to, did you turn to Him in your storm?

Tonight's small group chapter was on Praising God, especially in the storms of life. Praising Him when things seem impossible. Too tough to face. How fitting for the battle that was going on within me.

Infertility rearing it's ugly head, and God reminding me once again of that gruesome image of a deep wound that had to be carefully tended and packed and unpacked in order for proper healing to take place. A month of a prayer come true. God has closed my womb to prevent a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage. That has been my prayer, for God to close my womb until he is ready to gift us another take home baby. To save us from more heartache. He came through this month, but infertility monster still reared it's head. A month of hope and a twinge of disappointment.

And Satan whispered to me, "No body wants to hear about how this is impacting your life still."

Jesus is more than enough to praise him through our infertility. He is more than enough for whatever storm or battle you are facing, even though the devil doesn't want you to know it or consistently believe it. Jesus is enough. He writes a deep complex story when your heart is aching and makes you look to Him for healing that ache or emptiness you feel. He wants you to turn to Him so he can heal you. He wants the lot he cast to you to be a blessing, to have you see the beautiful inheritance he has passed on to you.

Otherwise before you know it that wound that needs to be packed and unpacked could cause damage to surrounding tissue without treatment, infection could start, and the pain can grow more intense.

Let God work in your life. Trust that he is Lord over all. That He is sovereign. Sovereign? Supreme, absolute, almighty, unlimited, unrestricted, boundless, timeless, royalty, and  unconditional.  He is all of that for me. And you.

I need to sleep. I work in the morning. But my mind was racing, my heart aching for God. I started this post before group. I knew I needed to read. Remember what I said about casting lost earlier....it came up in my reading. That's definitely God. God sighting at almost midnight.

"I didn’t need to pound on the doors of heaven in the hope that some house steward might add my name to a list. I didn’t need to recite my request over and over or hoist rocks over a high wall behind which a legion of servants might one day carry my petition to the King. Nor did I need to shrug at the lot I’d been cast, stretching wider Scripture’s definition of sovereignty."
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sarah Hagerty.

I don't need to come before God like a beggar but to come before him knowing He is almighty and clinging to the promises of Romans 8:28. God knows my heart, he knows the desires. He knows the pain. He knows the outcome of the chapter he is writing in my life. I just need to trust expectantly that he is passing on the inheritance to me that is for me and not wish for the one that he is handing out to others.

My life might be a mess most days. It might seem awful disappointing some days. But God is writing my story. He is using my aches and pains to draw me closer to Him. He is using the storms of this life to lead me to him for shelter and strength. And that is a greater inheritance than all the earthly possessions in this world. Every bitter thing can taste sweet, and my mess truly is a beautiful inheritance.

Weekend with Jesus - Part 5

What area did God want to heal in me?

I sat there praying, letting God know that I knew in my heart of hearts that he was El Roi - the God who sees, but also Jehova Rapha - the God who heals. Slowly I got this image of this clear, familiar path. It looked comfortable, well traveled.

And then I heard God whisper, "That has been the path you have been on. The path of Bitterness."

It cut at me. I let Jesus know that I wanted to leave this path, to follow Him.

He showed me this overgrown path. It was covered with brambles, thorns, weeds, huge bushes. And I felt Jesus say, this is what you have let our walk together become.

My heart sank. I knew what he was tenderly telling my soul was right.

I prayed that he would make a path for me in the wilderness that was my soul's walk with Him, and let the path of bitterness become so overpowered by brambles, thorns, and bushes that I will never again be able to walk that path with ease and comfort.

Before this weekend I thought bitterness didn't have a foothold in my soul anymore. I thought I was just feeling down from the winter, from experiencing two losses through the holidays. I thought I was just the new "me". One that I wasn't too fond of. I thought the hurt of infertility had just damaged me. I was too wounded to have relationships with other women that didn't know what I had been going through. Lies. Lies that bound my heart in chains as I continued on that well traveled path away from God.

I don't know why I turn away from the presence of God. I know how GOOD he truly is. I know how horrible it feels to be outside of his presence and will for my life...yet I find myself on that path time and time again.

I think it is fear, and not the reverence type of fear towards God, but rather the fear that I will be too much, or not enough. The fear of being present before the feet of God while I work through my many emotions of anger, exhaustion, and that questioning that bubbles up in my soul from time to time of "Why me? Am I not 'good enough'? Why do you bless them, and you leave me to struggle?" The fear of being not enough for whatever it is that He is calling me to be. Too much and not enough.

It made me think of Peter. How so often I think I have the strength and am feeling filled with faith and mighty enough to join Jesus on the water, and then soon as the waves of life come....my eyes fall from His face, uncertainty fills my heart, soul, and mind. Then I am left feeling like Jesus has let me fall into the water, thrashing around in the mighty waves. When the truth is, Jesus was there all the time. He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. Wishing I would have the faith to stand.

In that moment it truly washed over me. How faithful God is. How mighty Jesus was to die for you and me. That Jesus promised that he would make my burdens easy and my yoke be light. He doesn't promise no suffering, but that in Him we will find the strength to carry on. Because of Jesus Sin has no power, he conquered the grave. The enemy has been defeated. Jesus has been victorious, and because of this YOU can be victorious. And so can I.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Leaving the retreat there was literally this weight off my shoulders, I have only experienced this one other time in my entire life. It was freeing. Life since the retreat hasn't changed much. Except I am trying to be more intentional at finding more time in my day for Jesus. Be it praying for myself and others, or soaking up the wisdom from The Bible. The world doesn't seem so gloomy any longer. God has truly placed a new song on my lips. And for that I am so thankful.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in Him.

Psalm 40:1-3

Weekend with Jesus - Part 4

A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb,

But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

Proverbs 27:7

We got back to our lodge Saturday night after all the emotional breakthroughs. I was exhausted, but thought I needed to balance out all that emotion by connecting with other women and laughing, smiling, and enjoying the life that Jesus gave me. I had been looking forward to games, but instead they pulled out questions like conversation starters. I listened for a bit and participated but soon my head started yearning for my pillow. I was tired.

I got into my bed and felt a little nudge. I looked to make sure I had read my devotion for the day. And then saw one of the books on my kindle app. "Every Bitter Thing is Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I felt another nudge, read it. I thought, are you sure? I am so tired. But my mind was racing.

As laughter fell on my ears from the living room area, God tugged at my heart. Proverbs 27:7 was the first verse in the book. I was SO hungry for God. The first chapter was on Sara's walk though infertility. She knew my heart, it was there on the screen before my eyes! She knew my pain. What it was like to be around other women when they had children, and to feel left out of the "club". She also made another good point, that I so often forget to apply to others. She said, "Like most pain, until you have known it for yourself, you are blind to it." Women didn't mean to hurt me in their laughter and joy talking about babies, labor, delivery, or saying things like "You can have one of mine!" They weren't trying to be insensitive. They were simply blind to my pain, because they hadn't walked it, or had someone show them what the path was even like. 

She didn't hide her pain, her hurts, or her tears. I loved these paragraphs

But I was finding Him. In the places I had feared most and spent a lifetime avoiding. He was meeting me. My worst, my very worst moments were getting rewritten without circumstances changing.....He was showing me Himself as strong enough. He was letting me hide in Him, letting me find a safe place. 

And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant fumbling would annoy him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me. 

And I felt hungry. 

....I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted. 

I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me. 

Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive.

I don't know about you, but to be honest...my faith doesn't always ever grow in the leaps and bounds like it does when I am faced with trials, tragedies, or heartache.  Sometimes I think it is Jesus just trying to awaken that fire he has placed inside of me, the one that has left smoldering by life instead of igniting others nearby. And the devil spends all his days trying to figure out ways to squelch that fire so I won't exude God's greatness, so I won't be able to tell others that they are listening to lies and not the truth.

The evil one has definitely found good ammo towards me: Bitterness. It stops the connection with Christ, literally I stop speaking with Him. I stop praying. I draw away from others that may tell me about Him. It isn't intentional. It is just the manipulative way that the devil grabs a hold of me, and draws me away from the presence of God. Just like that. He uses life circumstances to say, "See God doesn't care. Where was he when that happened?" or "That person doesn't care, so why should you?When was the last time you got a text, or an email, or a call from that person?" Simple as that. And instead of fighting it with God's word, I feel disheartened and let the lies overcome my heart and mind.

The last session at the retreat was about finding Healing in Jesus. Just like the night before, Jesus showed up. Just like he always does when we call on Him. Even if it isn't in ways that we wish or expect.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

James 4:8

I had given up on God's promises for me, like the whispers from not only the evil one in my ear, but the world in general. The words of well meaning friends or coworkers. I lent my ear to what they had to say instead of searching my heart, pouring over scripture, and listening to what God was telling me.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, 

for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

Hebrews 10:23

Fiona quoted Hebrews 10:19-22. She spoke about how we should carry the confidence to join God beyond that curtain, the same curtain that Jesus tore down for us in His death on the cross. How can we hang out in the hallway, instead of joining Christ at the alter? Why are we not taking the effort? Why are we not being determined? After all if a King invited you to see him in this life, would you debate about what your reply would be? So how can we continue to ignore Jesus? Why do we believe the lies of Satan that we are not Holy enough to enter? Jesus washed us clean, he has paid the price...and the door is wide open for us. Yet, so many of us continue to be content just hanging out in the hall instead of joining him in an intimate relationship. 

For me, it is because I believed the lie that I was strong enough to face life and all the challenges it brought me on my own. I believed the lie that I didn't feel the connections at our new church because no one cared about me. I believed the lie that I didn't need Christian women in my life because it was too hard being around them when no one knew what my pain was like. 

Just reading it, doesn't it sound vile and that I should have been able to see right through it? But I didn't. So I craved Jesus at times, but made excuses why going to small group just wasn't worth it each Monday. I saw women with their multiple children and thought, they really don't want to know about how infertility is still hurting my heart and my walk with the Lord. I said yes to working more Sundays, without evaluating why it was getting so easy to say Yes to work, and No to Jesus. 

Let us not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, 

especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:25

I need other women. I need to spend time with those that share the same love of God. I need to make time for Christ and spend time encouraging others and allow them to encourage me. 

Fiona poised this question, and I will ask you it too...Who is God asking you to pray for and with? Don't just flippantly ask the question, but pray over it. Expect him to show up. I will be honest, so many came to my mind at first. Those that I wish knew Jesus. But the one that stuck, was the woman that was there that weekend. The same women that I had started to listen to His promptings months ago to write her a little post-card. That's as far as the letter got. Written, but not sent. I now feel God saying, see I made a way still. Had you listened to me...the journey to get her to come would have been SO much easier. Pray for those that Jesus puts on your mind, and obey when he calls you to do something. The names don't just pop into your head out of no where. Believe that it is Jesus, and follow his lead. When you are afraid to obey, be bold and step out in faith.

At this point, the lyrics of "Shout Unto God" came to  my mind. I meditated on them. 

The enemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold You down,

Gonna lift my voice in victory, going to make our praises loud

Death hadn't kept Jesus away from me. He defeated Satan just like that. He already has won, victory is ours. Why do I live like I don't know who is going to win the battle?

At this point Fiona asked us to take and write on a sticky note, what we wanted to give to God and/or what we felt like God was trying to give to us and we wanted to receive it. Then take it to the cross and pin it there.

When I told James about this exercise, he asked me if I had to use a whole stack of sticky notes. Hardy har har. Such a jokester, but he knows my heart. So indecisive usually....but God was moving. The Holy Spirit had rained down once more. 

I will tell you what I wrote...I wanted to give him my pain, bitterness, and sorrow. And that I accepted from Him the challenge to be Recklessly Bold and to find the ability once more to find Joy in Trials. Ugh, that last one was so hard to write out. I sat and looked at it. And even re-wrote it. Unsure if I was truly up for that challenge. Even now I feel that pit in my stomach, like "What were you thinking? Do you know what you have accepted? Do you realize that you are saying you will follow Jesus WHEREVER  He takes you? You are nuts. Plain and simple. Crazy."

As if I didn't have those questions and statements running through my head, I got up to the cross...and my tack would not go in. Seriously, I pushed and pushed and pushed. I had to pick 2 or 3 different spots before I could get that darn thing to stay up on the cross. Now I realize it was God saying, "This isn't going to be easy. Are you sure you want to put your trust in me? Are you sure you are ready to let go and let me rule over every aspect of your life?" I pushed on, and that's what we have to do in this life. 

The enemy has been defeated. But he wants us to believe he hasn't. Death couldn't hold Jesus in the grave. But the enemy wants us to believe he didn't die for us, or that he has forgotten about us. You may want to lift your voice, or your hands in praise and claim the victory that Jesus has done in your life. But Satan will do everything in his power to talk you out of it. He will tell you your story isn't important. That you will look or feel stupid if you open your heart. He will whisper these lies to you until you believe them, unless you guard your heart with the scripture you should have treasured inside of it.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

But I tell you, I have come to give you a rich and satisfying life.

John 10:10

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

God has called us to fervent prayers, he asks us to come to him expectantly with big bold prayers. Because He who is in YOU is greater than he who is in the world. He is an overcomer, and that gives you the ability to overcome. You can do it. 

I really want to keep going, but I feel like this post has gotten too long already. In reality, God probably just wants me to ponder over that last day a little bit longer before I write about it. So I leave you with this question to pray about. What area does God want to heal in you? Ask him, come boldly before him, and ask him what area in you life would he wish to lay hands on you and heal? Anything. Nothing is too big, or too small. Because our God is greater than death itself, and he can overcome anything in this world. To top it off, he finds you oh so worthy. 

Weekend with Jesus - Part 3

At this point the events are beginning to blend together. I had came into the weekend not naming the hurts associated with infertility as bitterness...but Jesus showed me that indeed was what my pain, waiting, and tears had turned into once again. It made my soul cry out to Jesus. I was once more where I swore I would never again be. 

I wondered why it felt like things felt so out of order when reflecting on things. It seems that I have went a bit out of order. Missing my notes on Giving God Your Future. Must have been God's plan, that I needed to reflect on the every day walk with Jesus sooner, rather than later. Regardless, seeing the name of this session at hand made my heart hurt. Infertility causes you to question even the simplest of things. Such as how, if, and when Jesus will choose to help you grow your family. It cut to the deepest parts of my soul where the pain had been so deep, that it was seeping into all areas of my life. Like poison in a rushing river, flooding into all the connecting bodies of water.

The first truth that Fiona spoke over us was that we are all adopted children of God, and to trust in the future God has planned for us means trusting that he is a good parent.

Let that wash over you. How much of your future do you cling on to as your own, not letting God have full reign over it? Do you think of yourself as a good parent? Think about the moments when you try to guard your child from danger and bless them, the dreams that you have for them....God wishes the same for you and me. Does it leave you feeling speechless? Because at times it makes me feel that way.

Adoption doesn't happen by accident. Think of adoption in this world. When it is chosen, there is often tons of paperwork to file, time to wait, and it is SO expensive. It is costly on all fronts, you invest in it with your emotions, time, and money. All for the hope of your future child. And in spite of all of the struggle we do it for the joy we anticipate will come to us in the form of a little child.

Ephesians 1:5
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

God used His Son, Jesus Christ, to stand in the gap for us. He used His blood to adopt us into His family. Why? Because he wanted to do it. Because it gave him great pleasure. It gave Him joy that he could finally know you and me. 

Giving God our future can be scary, much like giving Him our pasts. And while the past holds what we already know has happened, the future is a bit more complex. The future holds paths unbeknownst to us. The "what ifs" can become overwhelming to think about at times. The only"what if" we should ponder though is What IF we trusted God will all of our future. What if we held onto the promise that we are chosen and loved? What if we chose to turn our ears away from Satan and remember the promises God has written for us? What if we truly believed in Jeremiah 29:11 in our hearts?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

We are called to give our heart to Christ so that he can mold us into a new creation.

2 Corinthians 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

How does this new life begin? Lets look at Romans 8:14-17

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. 

 When God adopted you and I he sent the Holy Spirit into our lives, much like an adoption certificate, staking claim on our soul, stating that God is our father in heaven. A certificate that makes us sons and daughters of the one true King. A heir that will not only see the glory of God, but also have their hearts break for what breaks God's heart. You will see suffering. And somehow we have to make sure that our eyes stay above the water on Jesus while going through them, if not your heart strays. Let me tell you, I speak from experience.

Isaiah 43:2
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.    I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters,    I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty,    you will not drown.When you walk through the fire of oppression,    you will not be burned up;    the flames will not consume you.

Cling to God's promises. Hope in Him alone. Do not let your heart stray from His path. Do not let the murky waters of the future take away your hope and zeal for life. When worries try to invade remind yourself of these verses:

Psalm 39:7And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?    My only hope is in you.

1 Peter 5:7Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.

Matthew 6:33-34Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Seeking the kingdom of God means our eyes are fixed on what our heavenly father sees, not just on what we believe we need or want, but what others may need as well. Every little thing, not just the big things. It doesn't say, cast only the big things on God, it says cast ALL your cares on Him. It doesn't say He will give you everything you want, but you will have all that you NEED.

Fiona compared this life to camping. It is temporary. The only reason we can enjoy this life is because we know it is temporary. That one day we will be able to go home. It is much more enjoyable when keep our eyes on the fact that this is NOT our home. Look at 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 It's a good one, I promise. Maybe it will explain what I am trying to say here better than my words are expressing.

2 Corinthians 5:1
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 

 Saturday night God healed so many wounds within my heart. I cannot say that one day I won't pick back open the scabs or scars and have to look to Jesus to once again heal what has been causing me pain. So often I have felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers. I had been in a dry season. Where I listened to Satan whispering to me at every turn that even though I was still hurting people didn't want to hear about my hurts. That I was strong enough to face them alone. I couldn't connect with other women because of the scar tissue that had encased my heart in sorrow, bitterness, and unworthiness. I had been feeling like God really didn't care about me. Otherwise why in the bloody hell would he let us go through 12 losses? I was SO angry at God to the point that I stopped talking to Him on a regular basis. It was a dark dark path.

This weekend God lifted me out of that pit and set my feet upon solid ground, has steadied my feet, and placed a new song on my lips (Psalm 40). He showed up and met me more than half way, and dispelled so many anxious fears (Psalm 34:4-10). As I sat in my seat crying and pouring out my soul to him on paper, giving him the ability to rule over all areas in my life. Something within me broke open, and I am not talking about the waterfall that was a mingling downpour of my tears and nose....but my heart broke as I saw the pain he was feeling for me. I knelt before his throne, going against the pull of Satan once again telling me I didn't need anyone to pray for me or with me. I knelt there, after finishing my prayer on paper. Sobbing there at His feet. When God showed me He had heard my prayers through the lips of another woman.

Everything I had been praying about in my seat, poured out over me like a warm embrace in the form of a prayer for me. And I mean EVERYTHING. She brought up my infertility, my desire to be comforted, my wish for God to see the desires of my heart and change them to match up for what his plan is for us. For him to reign over all areas of my life. To take away the pain and bitterness causes by infertility. To help me to find joy once more. God was there. The Holy Spirit was moving. I do not think there was a dry eye in the entire house.

After I had finally collected myself a little bit I saw two women that asked how I was doing. I said I couldn't even explain how I was feeling and at the same time they both said, "He knows!" like the song "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp "He knows. He knows. Every hurt and every sting. He is in your suffering. He knows." (Listen to it, it is a good one!) More tears fell from my eyes.

Once more, I tried to collect myself. Tears were no longer flowing. The unending flow of snot had ceased it appeared. And then came our pastor's wife. She hugged me, like a warm hug from God. She told me that she felt like she needed to tell me She was proud of me, like God was proud of me. And that He knows....oh man alive. If any part left in me had questioned if any of the moments were from God...they were quenched. Within 15 minutes, 3 women told me that God knew.

He knows my heartache. He knows my pain. He knows my babies. He knows my future. He knows my desires. And for that I can praise Jesus. He isn't a god of wood, gold, or any other metal...he is ALIVE and living. And he cares for me. Even in the midst of deep sorrow. Even when I question if he is listening. He hears the cries of my soul and of my heart. Thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit and for bringing life into my heart soul and mind once again.

The great thing about all of this is that He knows your heart as well. He knows when you rise and when you lie down. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you are going to say before you say it. He knows. He wants to bless you, and go before you. He wants to breath life into your dry bones. Nothing can separate you from His Spirit. (Psalm 139) May you wash over that. May you look it up and reflect on it. And ask the Holy Spirit to come and fill you up with all that Jesus is and help you to find that peace that surpasses all understanding. May he wrap his arms around you and may you feel his presence with you in all that you do today. Jesus is alive my friend. It's time that we start living like we believe it. It's time that we give God the glory and allow him to work in all areas of our lives. He is knocking, all you have to do is let him in.

Weekend with Jesus - Part 2

The biggest reason I am writing this is to help me remember. To reflect on what God spoke to my heart. And to hope that maybe through these actions he will whisper truth into your heart. Or shout. Or shake you to wake you up. Whatever it takes! Yesterday I was reflecting on the weekend and the shame that Satan tried to whisper to me, "No one cares what He told YOU. Seriously, you are going to shout that to the mountain tops?" Shame. Unworthiness. Many might not get it, but I shook the thoughts away as I said to myself, even if they don't get any of it. Even if everyone thinks I am utterly stupid for sharing my heart, what if there is ONE person that needs to hear what I have to say  Jesus had spoke to me. 

After I went to the weekend retreat Walk to Emmaus after high school, I remembered them talking about "coming down from the mountain" like Moses when he came down from spending time with with God face to face. His face shown so brightly that people were afraid to face him. He had to wear a veil to hide the effects that God had left on him. Sometimes after spending time with God it feels a little like that. People might not recognize who you are, or think it is strange the way your life is impacted by God now. It feels a bit like that after any weekend retreat or moment in your life where God truly shows up. And without a doubt you are able to say, "That was Jesus." 

The second session was kind of about the days in between the mountain moments, when you fill spiritually filled, alive and full of fire, Choosing to spend every day with Jesus, and not be one of Israelites in the desert choosing to mold a calf out of gold. Or maybe a woman turning to food for comfort. Or an addict turning to drugs, alcohol, or sex for escape. You get the picture, don't you? We need Jesus.

While Fiona was talking on finding hope, satisfaction, and love in Jesus, and to stop looking for other "artificial fillers" to fill your broken places in your heart. I got a picture only someone in the medical field would appreciate. I saw Jesus packing my wounds with a packing strip. Much like I got to experience one day while working. Except this time he told me that I was the wounded woman. He was feeling the remorse, sadness, and simply wishing I would relax so He could fill up that wound right so that it could heal healthy as ever. He showed me that the same as I had been feeling, wishing that I could take that pain away for her as she cried....that he wished the same. The only difference is that he could. And just as I told the woman, "You are so brave. You are SO brave. I am so proud of you." He whispered to my heart, "You are so brave Jessica, now just relax. It might heart, but you have to let me do this in order for it to heal correctly. Take a deep breath and let go. Let me do what has to be done so we can move on from this place of pain."

John 6: 35 talks about Jesus being the bread of life. Think about it, we crave carbs, like bread, that's how it is supposed to be with Jesus. We are supposed to crave Him. We are supposed to eat from the banquet he has set before us. We aren't supposed to turn to other items for advice, comfort, hope, satisfaction, or love. HE is our sustenance. If only we would let him take up that place. 

And before you start to listen to the enemy whisper or shout into your ears and heart that you are not WORTHY of such greatness, kindness, and love....read Isaiah 55:1-2

“Is anyone thirsty?    Come and drink—    even if you have no money!Come, take your choice of wine or milk—    it’s all free! 

Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?    Why pay for food that does you no good?Listen to me, and you will eat what is good.    You will enjoy the finest food.

Jesus is waiting for you to come to him. Even if you feel you have nothing or are worth nothing....he sets before you a banquet of promises. Richness of life. God says, stop buying into all that junk, it doesn't fill you up. It doesn't strengthen you. Don't follow the world, follow me. Listen to me and hear what I am telling you. Come to the table and sample the riches of life, not just wine or milk...but wisdom, truth, unceasing love, and hope.

Fiona was really amazing and drew out the picture of this eating at God's table and symbolism for what it truly means. At one point she said that we are supposed to not just chew on God's word, but to savor it. We aren't supposed to just hear it, but rather listen to it. We aren't supposed to just read it, but pray through it. Because Jesus didn't die for us to just survive, He did so so we could Thrive!

We are supposed to let Jesus lead us into God's higher ways of living, and not be content believing that the bread the Jesus has to offer is dry, stale, and unpleasing to your palate. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.    “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,    so my ways are higher than your ways    and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. 

Can I get an amen? Praise the Lord that His ways are not our ways, and that he thinks things far beyond our capacity of comprehension. Because simply we are like children, or worse...teenagers believing that we know what is best in our lives. It is evident when we look at the world around us that we as humans do not know best. And as much as we fight against our parents as children and teenagers...God is still there loving you through it, and wishing He was guiding you more closely. He wants to lead you into His way of life. He wants to embrace you in His love and show you how to live.

I have to admit, I have fallen into this category. I have my Bible set up to do a reading plan. I find myself dragging my feet wanting to just read it so it can be done and over with. Wanting to be able to say, "There I have finally read book, every verse in the Bible." When really...I have been reading, but not seeing. I have been hearing, but not listening. You can know what the Bible says, and what it means, and still be alone in that place. I felt the reminder that even the Devil knows what's in the Bible....but he is still separated from God.

Fiona's advice has been to pray before reading God's word. Ask him to open your heart and mind, to meet you where you are, and to receive the word. In the short day of being home it has changed the way I am reading the Bible. I was reading Hosea. And who would have ever thought that I would begin to think that I Jessica Nicole Hillard, have been a prostitute. Gomer is me. I had strayed from God, I knew he loved me, I knew that when I was close to Him my life flourished, but instead of clinging to Him...I chose to focus my attention elsewhere. These reflections might be best saved for another day. But it made my heart drop. It made my heart ache. And I have to believe that if I had not prayed, "Jesus, show up today. Lead my thoughts about these passages." that I would have just read that story and thought, "What a crazy stupid woman. She has a man that loves her and still she chooses to sleep around with other men? She chooses to turn away from her husband and her children?" Ha. He definitely got my attention.

Fiona was a fascinating speaker, she found ways to place connections on things so you would truly get it. She talked about how some people cannot see sin like they cannot see dirt. I am sure you can think of TV shows that you watch and think, "How can they live in that filth?" Well our lives can be like that with sin, we see others and think, "How can they live like that?"

Further than that, some people can see the dirt and cannot find a way to clean it up or keep it clean. And this is where people can see their own sin, know that it needs to change, but find it hard and basically impossible to change from their old ways into the ways that the Holy Spirit calls us into.

But we are not alone, even if you are one that cannot see the mess, or see it and cannot keep it clean, and even if you feel your house is spotless...the Holy Spirit never leaves you. He stays with us where ever we are at. The Holy Spirit makes a home in us, he continues to abide in us and helps us to mold our hearts into a likeness of Jesus. Changing our thoughts, motives, desires, and helping us to get rid of whatever trash and dirt that may be taking up space for Jesus to move in our lives.

Ezekiel 36:26-27
26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.27 And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

A line from Hillsong's song "You are Here" echoed in my heart in a new light. "The same power that conquered the grave lives in me." It washed over me. And if you know me, I love music...so soon another song filled my thoughts. I heard Chris Tomlin singing, "Whom shall I fear?" I praised God. As He brought to my heart another song by Hillsong - "You are Welcome in This Place." But just that line letting Him know that he was so welcome in my heart, in my life, at the retreat, in my wounded places, and I was so thankful that He showed up. As if I ever doubted He would.

And from here I tell you, events start to blur together like the tears that had been falling from my eyes. God showed up. And when the Holy Spirit moves, you know great things are going to happen.

A Weekend with Jesus - Part 1

You may want to grab a blanket and maybe a box of tissues because this weekend made more tears flow than I would care to admit. And we could be here awhile.

I have a confession to make. I had not had one night away from Matthew, with a few exceptions...like I was working third shift and the nights he spent in the hospital when he was just hatched and too fragile to come home. I have always struggled with feeling alone in a room, even if there may be many others in it that love me. I have within the recent years begun to struggle with connecting with other women. Feeling like "I can handle this on my own" or that I was "too busy" to get together with them, or that I was "alone" in this hurt and didn't want to "burden" others with my pain and trials. This weekend those lies were brought to light. I am worthy of some "me" time. I am cared for, loved, and Jesus calls me to find fellowship with other women so we can minister to each other's hearts.

I left home Saturday morning full of apprehension and expectation. I knew that Jesus would show up, he always does. I was anxious of awkward moments with others. Excited but exhausted from a long night of interrupted sleep Friday night. I had a fleeting thought about not going. I shook it off and headed towards the retreat.

I find an empty seat at the table, and felt comfort and thankfulness wash over me. I was with friends that I knew loved me and cared for me. And then the question was asked, essentially what baggage did you bring with you this weekend that you want to give to Jesus? Immediately I felt like I was clutching at my heart saying, "Already Jesus? You want to start this already?" And honesty poured out of my mouth before I could talk myself against speaking what had sprang up from the depths of my heart. The hurts from infertility. The feelings of not being able to connect with other women. And then, I felt a chain break.

The first session that I was present for was on Giving God your Past. Fiona, the speaker from Titus Women's Ministry, talked about how sometimes we are left feeling as if our sins are like those stubborn stains on a dirty white t-shirt. No matter how many ways or how many times you try to wash it, they just simply stay immobilized and unwilling to leave. Sin does that to us at times. It chains us down, immobilizes us. Until we learn what Jesus did for us at the cross. By His blood, he is able to wash those stains away...white as snow, but better than that He trades us that dirty t-shirt for a garment of salvation.

A garment of salvation? What? But this t-shirt is so comfortable. I have to give it up? Yes. Jesus has so much more planned for you and I than to cling to that dirty old t-shirt. Isaiah 61:10 speaks of how Jesus adorns us like a bride on her wedding day. A beautiful gown. The mountain top of beauty. He places the garment of salvation on us and adorns us with jewels. He does this for each and every one of us ladies. And it isn't something that we can do. We can scrub and scrub and scrub that dirty, old , stained t-shirt, but by our hands it is never going to turn into a sparkling gown for us to shine in. You have to be willing to let it go, unknown of how that salvation is going to look or feel to us. It is only by the blood of Jesus that we are able to drop that sin at His feet and find our true beauty.

Jesus carried OUR sins on the cross, not His. And guess what, even if it meant just saving you, he would have still chosen the cross so you could have salvation. It is only by His wounds that you and I are healed and can have life (1 Peter 2:24). Jesus has purchased our freedom through His death. God paid a huge price, by sending His son to die, so that Jesus could redeem us from our sin. He brought us out of the chains of slavery, be it to guilt, shame, fear, addiction, or whatever it is that you feel immobilized by. He died for your freedom. And He paid the price because He loves you. 

You see, Jesus isn't like the Pharisees. He loves us in our brokenness. He isn't afraid to reach into the murky pit we are in. He will pull us out of that murky pit and wrap us in His love. He sees our sin and forgives us. He sees us as we are and loves us, seeing our true value. Jesus loves us through our messes in this life and forgives us all the same.

So many of us feel unworthy, too dirty, too dingy, too shameful, to be in his presence. We don't feel worthy to accept who Jesus is, and what all he has done for us. They are lies! You are worthy, beautiful, exciting, and loved. You are forgiven. All you have to do is believe it.

It is like the story in Luke about Jesus being Anointed by a sinful woman

Luke 7:36-50
36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. 

39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!” 

40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.” 

“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied. 

41 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?” 

43 Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.” 

“That’s right,” Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon,“Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. 

47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.” 

49 The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?” 

50 And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

She shows such reckless determination. I love that word reckless. In a culture where it is seen as a a huge shame for a woman to speak to a man, let alone have your hair down in front of a man that is not your husband...she sits behind Jesus. She takes her alabaster jar or perfume. Which is probably the most valuable thing she owns and with her tears and the jar she pours it on Jesus's feet and washes them with her hair and anoints him with the most expensive thing she owns. She is aware of her shame. She acknowledges it, and comes to Jesus as she is, laying it all literally at his feet for him to see. Luke 7:48 and 50 says that like this woman you and I are forgiven. By faith we are saved. And like he says to this woman, he says to you and me, "Go in peace."

Don't you wish to go in peace? I know I certainly do. But in order to do that we have to lay all our hurts, shame, fear, guilt, and....whatever the "mess" of our life is, we have to lay it at Jesus's feet. We cannot expect to lock everything up, and pretend and hope it will no longer expect us. Otherwise our hearts will remain locked in chains, in slavery that Jesus never wished for us because by Him dying on the cross death, sin, slavery...it has all been defeated. To go in peace all we have to do is invite Jesus in, and release what bogs us down, until chain by chain all the chains wearing us down are broken.

Unfortunately, it is easier said than done. The enemy loves to whisper lies to our heart, trying to pick back up those chains and lock them to who we identify ourselves as. Satan lies to us, making us feel as if we are not worthy to give it all to Jesus and walk in the freedom He promises. Thankfully, like the Israelites God gives us second chances (and third, and fourth...you get the picture!) to turn back to him and pour out our praises and give our lives to Him. We don't have to just survive. We can thrive in Jesus's presence. If only we allow him place in our hearts to stay and are willing to accept his blessings. Thank you Jesus that your blood is enough for all of our sins. Can I get an Amen?

Here's the question we were left to ponder: what from your past do you need to hand over to Christ?