Let me tell you about infertility. By the standard definition it is the inability to get pregnant within a year (6 months when over the age of 35). It also means being unable to carry a baby to term. There can be secondary infertility, where a couple gets pregnant no problem the first go around, and well...the second (or third, or fourth...) go around they have issues. There can be male issues or female issues. Either of these affect both people in the relationship. And I must say, asking "who is the problem?" is very insensitive, because I promise you whoever is the "problem" already feels broken enough as it is.
Infertility does not care who it affects: skinny, fat, young, old, rich, poor... you get the picture. Infertility affects all. The statistic vary but anywhere from 1 in 6 to 1 in 8 couples will experience some kind of infertility issue. If you look around at the people you know, chances are quite a few of them have had problems with infertility. And they may not have ever said anything about it.
Some couples keep it to themselves that they are trying to conceive, hoping to one day surprise their family. And eventually the questions of When are you going to have kids? Or When are you going to start trying? start to eat away at them. Often times it is easier to say, things like When God decides, When we are more financially ready, etc. Some keep it from their families, some keep it from their friends, for some the only person that knows they are having issues is their doctor.
When it comes to infertility and loss, it seems like it has Taboo! tattooed all over it. But once you are open about it, out of the woodwork come so many women to tell you of their struggle, of their family member's struggle, or that of a couple they knew. Part of it is also the unwanted advice that seems to crop up at times. For infertility it is "Just relax!", "Go on a vacation!", "You can always adopt!", "Just do IVF", "Oh don't worry, you are SO young!" "You want children? Are you sure? You can borrow mine!", or my favorite "Pray about it, it will happen!!" For loss there is "Take it as a blessing, it must have been unhealthy.", "You can always try again!", "At least you know you can get pregnant!".
Infertility isn't cured by relaxing, going on vacation, adoption, or IVF. Offering to let them borrow your children just cuts to the core. And don't tell them it will happen, because you do not know...God could have a different plan for them.
A couple going through a loss isn't soothed by the fact that the pregnancy wasn't healthy, they can try again, or that they can get pregnant...they wanted that baby! Not a different one, and after a loss a pregnancy is never viewed the same; dread of the previous outcome will always follow. Those experiencing a loss learn first hand pregnancy does not always equal a big round baby bump or a baby sleeping in the nursery.
The journey to getting diagnosed with infertility is a long enough one in itself without having to endure some of the things that come with opening up to people about your experience. Before getting diagnosed with infertility (or just after...) you will learn about basal body temperatures, fertile cervical mucous, timing intercourse so it lines up with ovulation, Ovulation Predictor Kits, that progesterone is important for ovulation and a healthy pregnancy, that your body can trick you into thinking you are pregnant, and that KY can actually kill sperm. And as I said before, a positive pregnancy test does not always equal a take home healthy baby.
You get prodded and poked. Your intimate sex life becomes factual and often times feels forced. Males get to do their thing in a cup. Females get so used to being looked at "down there" it seems natural when a doctor asks, no nerves! Your finances can be strained due to testing, and various infertility treatments. Your marriage faces ups and downs like never before. Your faith may be tested. And your friendships as well.
Facebook often times gets painful. Pregnancy announcements, round bellies, and newborns appear everywhere. Infertility is a long rocky road. Songs can bring you to tears, with new meanings to so many. And don't get me started on the baby section in the grocery store. You get irrational at times, angry, bitter, and depressed.
The journey is also one you cannot stumble through without hope. Every month you're not pregnant your dreams get crushed, and for close to a week there is a stark red reminder. Then hope creeps back in and says, "Maybe this month!" After a loss (after loss, after loss...), the next positive pregnancy test still brings hope! Because maybe, just maybe...it will work out this time after all. Hope whispers "try one more time", when the world says, "why would you do that?!"
Personally, in the past 19 months of trying I have questioned my faith, had months of silence with God, and found tears in my eyes during the middle of the grocery store. I have cried in my car when a song came on the radio. My very close friends have been there for me with each struggle, each month, every loss, and help me to keep dreaming. I have leaned on blogging to get me through tough times. I have met some great friends online that "get it" and have walked the road along beside me. I have learned utter sadness, and that there is a cry only a woman who has experienced a loss would understand.
I have seen our journey affect my husband, his faith, his anger, and have overall been impacted by how unfair and unjust infertility is. I have seen our family and friends turn statements that used to be "when you have kids" into statements with "might" and "maybe"...they are losing hope. Even when we haven't.
We haven't lost hope. In spite of infertility and loss, we are choosing to let hope shine in our lives.
Jess
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