5K Completed!

Ok so you might be aware that I wanted to run a 5k by the end of the summer....or maybe not because I hadn't motivated myself to run yet this year. But, guess what...I did it! Impromptu! Last minute I decided to sign up.

I just got this feeling in my gut and the conversation went something like this (to my sister-in-law Laura).
"So...how fast do you run your 5k?"
"Snail pace. Like 15 minute mile."
"So I could keep up with you probably?"
"Oh yeah, definitely."
"Ok. I'm doing it. How much is late registration?"

Saturday I made the decision to run. Sunday morning I registered, and ran that same day.

I made it through the 5k...3.1 miles in 42 minutes and 28 seconds. No training. Nothing...14 minute mile. Me. I did it. Sure I walked some, but I kept going. And I kicked butt!

I had my cute new running clothes on. Headphones tuned onto a variety of Christian music. And determination in my heart. I kept saying to myself, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I sped up to the parts where the song swelled and my heart felt happy worshiping God. I was mouthing along to my music (and probably looking like a crazy lady with sweat dripping off my forehead) and wishing I could lift my hands and jump up and down telling people how amazing God is. I reminded myself of where I have been and where I am going. And through all of this I made it through.

And I felt strong. Strong for doing the 5k. Strong for being able to allow God to make me strong, even in my weakness. Strong for doing this a week after our fifth miscarriage. Strong. Me? Strong? Yes, and I loved it. James and I had a wonderful weekend with Laura, Joe, and the short time we saw Gauge (even if he was a little cranky).

I cannot wait to do another 5k. I broke the ice. I am game. Why in the world did I wait so long? I am pretty sore from lack of training and kicking the 5k's booty...but it is well worth the endorphins and how strong and fierce I felt at the end of the race. I am thinking one a month for the rest of the summer if I can find one, I am going to not only leave my time in the dust, but I am going to leave obesity forever. I am so close to being just "overweight" I can taste it (4lbs if you are curious).

James didn't think I would go through with this 5k at first (I tend to be indecisive...), but I just had to do it for myself. James spent the weekend moving things with Joe getting ready for their upcoming move to Grand Rapids. I am pretty excited to have them live closer. Anyways, while us girls were kicking the 5k's butt the boys were working hard on the move. While I am thinking about it, please keep James's knee in your prayers. It has been bugging him for at least a week now, and I would love for it to heal without having to seek a medical opinion (but am preparing to call in the very near future). I really would LOVE to complete a 5k together by the end of the summer!

What about you? Are you game for a 5k? Your first time doesn't really matter. What truly matters is getting off your butt and just doing it! Even if it is a 5k walk. And if you leave me in the dust doing it, that is perfectly fine because my hope is to inspire others to change their life for the better!

I will leave you with some photos from the day (the quality may not be the best, they are from my phone).

My number. I was so excited to get it!!
The 5k was Al Kayner's St. Patrick's Day Race in Bay City, MI

It was a mad house of people. There was a 5k and an 8k along with walkers.

Before

After!

SO HAPPY!!
Finished 42:28

We both ran our 1st 5Ks together :-)
Laura finished 47:30

Filled With Music: Then and Now.

If you don't know me too well, you should know I love music. James loves music. It is something God has weaved into the very makeup of our souls.

We met in band. He was the cute older drummer with the gorgeous smile and twinkling eyes. I thought I just had a silly crush that would never amount to anything. That was my sophomore year in high school. Little did I know we would begin dating after my senior year at band camp. :-)

I was a clarinetist. Writing, playing my clarinet, and singing were my escape from the world around me. I loved the making a story come to life from little black notes on white pieces of paper into a beautiful sound that filled the air for all near to hear. The way my fingers could fly over the silver keys. Playing until my lips could no longer stand it. Playing in the middle of the night as my sisters slept upstairs, going over and over tricky spots in my music, perfecting dynamics and intonation.

It was a major part of my life. And it still is, I am a little rusty...but if life feels overwhelming I escape to chromatic scales, the smell of cork grease, the taste of wood reeds, and bits and pieces of memorized songs. Often feeling amazed at some of the black spatters on paper I used to play sometimes flawlessly.

There was also color guard. It was like expressing music in a whole 'nother light! I was always told, count, count, count! But I always just felt the music and let it move through me. I could break it down if I needed to, but I just moved with the music. Performing with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I was also in choir. I loved singing. Memorizing music. Hearing it come together. Music was everywhere. Between music classes and english/writing classes in high school I was one happy camper.

Music and writing were engraved into the very essence of who I am at a very young age. But I was still lacking something. While I didn't feel complete when I didn't involve music in my life, I also started to realize I felt like I was missing something. I didn't find God until my senior year in high school, thanks to my husband and a couple of friends that planted the seed before him. So while I just did music and writing to survive then, I now know it is a way I can truly worship God and thank Him for how He created me to be.

I have learned playing my clarinet, singing along to worship music, and writing all can be a way I show him my thanks and my love.

I have learned worship doesn't have to be only with a smile in your heart. It can be with tears streaming down your face and your inner child stomping their feet and saying, "It's NOT FAIR!!" God loves me where I am at, and I will worship him from where I am at. He knows my heart. Heck, He created me!

I love to worship. If church service could include 10 songs every week I would be one happy camper. My heart swells with the music, the drums, guitar, and vocals bringing the words to life. I love worshiping with abandon, arms up high, eyes closed, and imagining I am singing to Jesus at his feet.

See, while singing and performance in general in high school was for the thrill to see our hard work to pay off...Worship is different. Worship is about saying thank You for all that You are to me God! Thank you for being here with me. Worship is between you and God. It doesn't matter if you hit every note perfectly, if your hands are stretched up, or tapping your thigh. It doesn't matter if sound cannot escape your lips because too many tears are cascading down your cheeks. It doesn't matter where you are singing to worship God...at work, in your car, while cleaning the house, while in the shower. It is still worship.

I would be silly to not let the love of music I feel to swell out into the world around me. I am filled with music, just as I am filled with the love and grace of God.

Operation Healthy Life

For the past month James and I have been using the MyFitnessPal app to count calories. We have begun exercising, and starting to see the changes.

James's user name is hillard76. He has lost close to 15 lbs already I believe. He weighs in on Saturdays. It is so annoying with how many calories he gets to get compared to me!! I have given up helping him pack his lunch because I get kind of angry...like seriously? He gets to eat close to double of what I get to eat on a normal day!!

My user name is jnhillard. I have lost 13 lbs :-) I love the endorphins working out give me! I weigh in on Wednesdays, and currently am weighing a little over 195. I am seeing the difference in my thighs, getting some strong muscles. And I can officially do one guy push up, strong woman I know! (haha) I drink at least 50% of my body weight in ounces of water EVER day...yes, that means I am drinking at least 12-13 servings of water ever day. I really think it helps tremendously with weight loss.

We have gotten quite a few friends to join us on this weight loss journey. And I am excited to see where it takes us, but I can tell you one thing...this time it is sticking. There is no giving up, there is no backing down. This has to be our lifestyles if we don't want to be obese forever.

Losing weight and eating healthier is really helping me keep my mind off everything else going on in our crazy lives. One thing we are slacking on though is reading the Bible, so if you could keep that in your prayers I hope to soon be adding to our healthy lifestyle with more God in it!!

One thing I have learned throughout life thus far is it truly is an uphill battle. It is up to you to stand up stronger (with God's help!!) each time you get knocked down to persevere in hopes of one day reaching the top. With your prayers, our prayers, and our determination we will get to the top of the hill one day. We will reach our goals, and we will inspire others to do the same. I can feel it in my bones. :-)

Sometimes, change is a GOOD thing.

Infertility As We Know It

Let me tell you about infertility. By the standard definition it is the inability to get pregnant within a year (6 months when over the age of 35). It also means being unable to carry a baby to term. There can be secondary infertility, where a couple gets pregnant no problem the first go around, and well...the second (or third, or fourth...) go around they have issues. There can be male issues or female issues. Either of these affect both people in the relationship. And I must say, asking "who is the problem?" is very insensitive, because I promise you whoever is the "problem" already feels broken enough as it is.

Infertility does not care who it affects: skinny, fat, young, old, rich, poor... you get the picture. Infertility affects all. The statistic vary but anywhere from 1 in 6 to 1 in 8 couples will experience some kind of infertility issue. If you look around at the people you know, chances are quite a few of them have had problems with infertility. And they may not have ever said anything about it.

Some couples keep it to themselves that they are trying to conceive, hoping to one day surprise their family. And eventually the questions of When are you going to have kids? Or When are you going to start trying? start to eat away at them. Often times it is easier to say, things like When God decides, When we are more financially ready, etc. Some keep it from their families, some keep it from their friends, for some the only person that knows they are having issues is their doctor.

When it comes to infertility and loss, it seems like it has Taboo! tattooed all over it. But once you are open about it, out of the woodwork come so many women to tell you of their struggle, of their family member's struggle, or that of a couple they knew. Part of it is also the unwanted advice that seems to crop up at times. For infertility it is "Just relax!", "Go on a vacation!", "You can always adopt!", "Just do IVF", "Oh don't worry, you are SO young!" "You want children? Are you sure? You can borrow mine!", or my favorite "Pray about it, it will happen!!" For loss there is "Take it as a blessing, it must have been unhealthy.", "You can always try again!", "At least you know you can get pregnant!".

Infertility isn't cured by relaxing, going on vacation, adoption, or IVF. Offering to let them borrow your children just cuts to the core. And don't tell them it will happen, because you do not know...God could have a different plan for them.

A couple going through a loss isn't soothed by the fact that the pregnancy wasn't healthy, they can try again, or that they can get pregnant...they wanted that baby! Not a different one, and after a loss a pregnancy is never viewed the same; dread of the previous outcome will always follow. Those experiencing a loss learn first hand pregnancy does not always equal a big round baby bump or a baby sleeping in the nursery.

The journey to getting diagnosed with infertility is a long enough one in itself without having to endure some of the things that come with opening up to people about your experience. Before getting diagnosed with infertility (or just after...) you will learn about basal body temperatures, fertile cervical mucous, timing intercourse so it lines up with ovulation, Ovulation Predictor Kits, that progesterone is important for ovulation and a healthy pregnancy, that your body can trick you into thinking you are pregnant, and that KY can actually kill sperm. And as I said before, a positive pregnancy test does not always equal a take home healthy baby.

You get prodded and poked. Your intimate sex life becomes factual and often times feels forced. Males get to do their thing in a cup. Females get so used to being looked at "down there" it seems natural when a doctor asks, no nerves! Your finances can be strained due to testing, and various infertility treatments. Your marriage faces ups and downs like never before. Your faith may be tested. And your friendships as well.

Facebook often times gets painful. Pregnancy announcements, round bellies, and newborns appear everywhere. Infertility is a long rocky road. Songs can bring you to tears, with new meanings to so many. And don't get me started on the baby section in the grocery store. You get irrational at times, angry, bitter, and depressed.

The journey is also one you cannot stumble through without hope. Every month you're not pregnant your dreams get crushed, and for close to a week there is a stark red reminder. Then hope creeps back in and says, "Maybe this month!" After a loss (after loss, after loss...), the next positive pregnancy test still brings hope! Because maybe, just maybe...it will work out this time after all. Hope whispers "try one more time", when the world says, "why would you do that?!"

Personally, in the past 19 months of trying I have questioned my faith, had months of silence with God, and  found tears in my eyes during the middle of the grocery store. I have cried in my car when a song came on the radio. My very close friends have been there for me with each struggle, each month, every loss, and help me to keep dreaming. I have leaned on blogging to get me through tough times. I have met some great friends online that "get it" and have walked the road along beside me. I have learned utter sadness, and that there is a cry only a woman who has experienced a loss would understand.

I have seen our journey affect my husband, his faith, his anger, and have overall been impacted by how unfair and unjust infertility is. I have seen our family and friends turn statements that used to be "when you have kids" into statements with "might" and "maybe"...they are losing hope. Even when we haven't.

We haven't lost hope. In spite of infertility and loss, we are choosing to let hope shine in our lives.

Jess

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes...

Life has changed substantially for us over the last 4 months.

December brought the news of my uterus issues (I will post more on that at a later date). The possibility of double ureters going to my kidney's and too many doctor bills from all of the testing. I have hit the inferility "jack pot" it feels like. Unicornuate Uterus, PCOS, MTHFR clotting disorder, and low progesterone due to cruddy eggs. If you ever have fertility questions, I am your gal to ask!

End of December my cousin Michael moved in with us, boy oh boy was that an adjustment for me! I went for grocery shopping for 2...to adding a 17 year old to the mix. From enjoying evenings alone with total control over the TV to getting sucked into Swamp Loggers, Pawn Stars, and Ax Men.

Then January hit...Nursing school! Ahh! That in itself is enough to drive a person crazy (or to tears!). I had a WONDERFUL teacher for Nurs 140. She was an utter sweatheart. She is the type of nurse I want to be...pationate about the client's overall well being, loving to teach others what knowledge you have gained, and loving God along the way.

February brought a turning point for me. I finally broke down and let all my emotions out about not doing anything to remember our miscarriage in January. Life had gotten too crazy and I felt down and like a bad mom for not taking the time to remember. After letting it all out and talking to God I felt SO much better. By middle of February I decided it was time for another lifestyle change.

I downloaded MyFitnessPal onto my phone and began tracking my caloric intake and began exercising. James and I are both doing well cand cannot wait to see where we are at the end of this year. In another 5 months James has a doctors appointment to check his cholesterol and triglycerides. He is at a higher chance of stroke and heart attack (oh you gotta love genetics).

Our goal is to lose weight and become healthier, hopefully James can get his triglycerides down and I will be off blood pressure medicine soon!

I am down 10lbs already and it feels darn good!

Anyways...I am now working weekends only (which is 2 weekends on 1 off) and it seems James is working more hours at work! Michael is going to school in Ionia and is a Junior in high school, and sprung it on us after being in jail for the weekend that he is moving out.

We have "tried to shelter" him, he has "never been happy", and "this isn't his life style." Yes, quotes from him. You should have heard my replies...."because we took on the parental role? Because we parented you?" And "what is your "lifestyle" Michael? Jail and then prison?!" Oiy vey! It was an interesting night with him packing, and all the things that came to surface. It is his choice he is a big boy. Old enough to make his own choices but young enough to not think while doing them. We have let him know we will not be a revolving door and if he moves out we are done. It makes us sad, angry, and stressed. But there is nothing we can do. What it boils down to is being caught in lies, and us not letting him bring his dog into our house.

Keep us in your prayers as this week unfolds. Keep Michael in your prayers, because there is nothing we can do. We have dealt with things you dont have to with "normal" teens. The world of circuit court, dropping off for weekend jail time, probation appointments, and learning that a life of hurt in some people means lack of change even when out of the situation. *sigh*

Blogging.

I will not lie, blogging is my form of procrastination.

It is my outlet. I LOVE to write, my box of journals dating back from Kindergarden on proves it. Blogging to me is like an electronic journal. You get to access a small (or large) part of my inner most thoughts. Of what goes on in this crazy head of mine.

James truly isn't much of a writer, but when he choses to...he melts my heart and makes me smile. He really is a teddy bear, and I wouldnt have it any other way! (Ok that might have embarassed him! *sorry!*)

Anyways, most (if not all) of these posts will be from me.

I will write about the ins and outs of our crazy life. How things are going on the trying to conceive front. Our weight loss journeys. Faith. Things that make me smile, laugh, or cry. And hopefully you wil find the posts to be enjoyable, and give you a little window to our souls.

I will post later on what a week in the life of our family is like at the moment. What nursing school is REALLY like. And possibly on our journey thus far with infertility and all the crazy emotions that go with it.

Have a blessed day!
Jess