Blessings in Disguise and Thoughts on Parenting

I wrote this post in December and was once again reading through drafts and decided it was worth sharing.

Earlier this month Matthew burnt his hand on the wood stove at my aunt's house. I knew I needed to take him into the doctor for peace of mind. This fear though radiated within me of worrying about being turned in for neglect or something for him being in an environment that allowed him to be hurt.

Fortunately the doctor put my mind at ease. He told me, "I always tell my kids there are some things you want to learn in the classroom instead of on the field trip. He just learned what 'hot' meant on the field trip today. And probably learned a bit more than he wanted to."

It is true though, isn't it? There are so many things in life you can learn about. Reading about it you can get the gist and sometimes that is all you even could care to know. Other times you find yourself learning way too much about a life topic you never wished or dreamed to know.

As Christians we have a choice when we are handed these poor circumstances to live out. We can look to God and say...okay God this is where I am. Let me learn what I need to, but know I really am not wanting or wishing to go through this any longer. OR we can grow angry, bitter, and focus all our energy on the negative.

We can make choices that lead us into poor circumstances. But some are not up to us at all. Like who our parents are. The choices that others make that can impact us. Or what abilities we have or how God created us.
It is our choice to control our response, look for the take away, and say God thank you for it all.

Life for the Sawdy girls hasn't always been easy. Yet by how giving and loving we are you might not know it. But on the inside of the family structure there has been a weakness in the foundation that is also a strength. My father.

A weakness that is a strength, what?!

You heard me right. He wasn't a nice man growing up. He was verbally abusive. Once he punched in the jaw full force. He told me men would only want me for sex and never once called me beautiful.

Through him I realized the safety in school. In being educated. I thrived. Focused on getting excellent grades. I realized how much a single mom truly does and was thankful more so for my mom. I learned how to have a voice and stand up for what I believe in. And control my temper. I learned what I DIDN'T want my husband to be like. And learned the lessons of what is important to your children to hear from their father. How important it is to not include your children in some conversations, but to always tell them how valued and loved they are. I learned the importance of admitting mistakes and asking for forgiveness.

I learned how truly blessed I am to have James as my husband and how blessed Matthew is to have him as his Dad. I learned this through the field trip of life. By my father doing things when the shouldn't have and not doing things when he should have.

He wasn't always terrible but the times that stick out in my memory are those that impacted my life the most....and they mostly are not pleasant.

Sadly, recently he started telling my littlest sister things I felt were not age appropriate (or factual in any way....much like when he told me Mom shook me as a baby, when I was in 2nd grade mind you). I had to tell him I felt it was inappropriate and not truthful and that if he couldn't speak truth then he wouldn't be around my son in the future because he doesn't need to have things about myself be twisted and skewed into his perceptions that are often times not quite in line with reality. Naturally he went off and started stating I said he wasn't going to be Matthew's grandparent any more. There is more I could go into...but I will spare you the details.

I have come to the conclusion with him I can forgive from afar. Be amicable if in the same room but stop seeking out a relationship because frankly I am not sure it is worth the stress and hurt that it causes. Like the Bible verse about if a body part causes you to sin, get rid of it! Can't I just not have a relationship so I only have to forgive repeatedly over past hurts and anger instead of additional more that takes off the entire proverbial scab off my heart?  This is the point I am at. But, part of me always gets hung up on that Bible verse about honoring your father and your mother. How can you honor someone when you do not feel valued by them?

Parenting is a tricky thing. You impact your child's life immensely. Children are handed to you by God to raise, but ultimately they are His. We can build them up or tear them down. Bring them closer to Christ or push them further away.

Parenting is a blessing God has bestowed on us, and it isn't something to be taken lightly. So what happens when you do not step up and acknowledge that blessing? Can you truly expect your children to honor you?

Heavy Heart.

Loss number seven. Let that weigh on your heart for a minute.

Imagine seven little ones playing together. Seven faceless babies. Seven babies that we will only get to see in heaven.

It weighs heavy on my heart this week. I cannot tell you the excitement I felt when I saw that dark pregnancy test. I knew in my heart (or thought I knew...) that the pregnancy was going to work out and we would get to bring home a baby, and experience a healthy pregnancy like with Matthew.

But my heart was wrong. Because you see with EVERY pregnancy I hope and pray and believe that this pregnancy will be the one to work out. Every single time. But unlike times in the past, I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

My heart is heavy. I am worn and crushed, and broken. But I have an amazing God. He is a healer. He makes the impossible possible. He is a miracle worker. He can handle my anger. He can handle my sadness. Disbelief. He can hold me when I cry and when I am speechless. But when there is bitterness in my heart, there isn't much room for God.

I can have a heavy heart without having a heart darkened with bitterness.

But when it comes to grieving a lost child it can be a delicate line to balance.

You see every time you hear of a pregnancy. See a newborn. You can be reminded of what you have lost, especially when your heart is heavy. During moments of joy you can see those miracles and thank God for them. But it is a little more difficult with a heart of sadness.

Yet, having Matthew DOES make it easier. I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day, or maybe I was reading a blog...either way there was a woman taking about how her parents lost 4 pregnancies, and had a baby born full term sleeping before they were blessed with her. She was talking about how grateful she was for her parents not giving up on her. For the life they allowed her to have by their faith and determination.

I want Matthew to know that he was worth the heartache, the struggle. And we will endure the same heartache and struggle if that is what God has called us to in order to bring him a sibling. This is 100% not the life I would have chosen for myself. BUT this is 100% the life God has called us to live. And we will do it to the best of our ability, but only because God is strong enough to hold us up while we go through it.

Thank goodness God can hold my heavy heart and still love me unconditionally.

Remembrance Day

Babies, I remember you every day. And I mean EVERY. But some days are harder. Much harder.

Like today. I feel like I haven't done enough to remember you, to celebrate the life that was. That people have and will forget you existed.

And they might.

But I won't. Much like an elephant never forgets, same with the grieving mother...she never forgets either.

I fear some days I am not doing my part to get to meet you in heaven. Not doing my part to remember you. And that makes my heart so very sad.

To our first little one, our Abigail. Father's joy. You were such a blessing. Three months in to trying and it felt like forever. Heartbreak every month that I thought was terrible. And then there was that second pink line. That hope shining through the darkness of news of PCOS and fear of infertility. I clung to hope. And in that hope I got the worst phone call of my life thus far. Telling me I was going to miscarry. You were gone.

That emotion I felt in those few short weeks from seeing that positive close to my birthday to seeing my body miscarry you on thanksgiving...roller coaster to say the least. Daddy still wants us to name a little girl Abigail if we have another, so we may be like Ms. Kay from Duck Dynasty and have another Abigail one day. But we will see.

The second pregnancy came as a shock. A blaring second line, on Christmas. Again hope. Heartbreak. And fervent prayer. Sammy, you will always be remembered. I have your picture. And I carry that image in my heart.

After Sam I got SO bitter and angry. The next 3 losses are our unnamed children. Which makes me sad sometimes because they are not any less important. And I feel I was so wrapped up in my hurt and the unfairness of it all that I never prayed for God to reveal their gender to me or a name to remember them by. I was so hurt, and unable to function at times emotionally. I am SO thankful God was able to hold you in his arms while mommy went through this awful time.

Then we got our Matthew and he has been the light of our world, but also a struggle at many moments. I wonder if you kiddos would look like him, act like him, have the Hillard scowl marks, or the Purdey mole on your foot. I wonder and dream. Quite often.

And I look at big brother and little brother shirts for Matthew, and debate about getting them for him. As a discussion piece. As a way for him to know you better.

Sometimes I wonder if he can see you guys, like the old ladies at work that tell me my children are beautiful. Sometimes he smiles at things I cannot see and I know it is something heavenly, and that leaves you up for grabs.

After Matthew we had one suspected ectopic. A surprise that made me wish I wasn't pregnant at that moment followed by acceptance and excitement. And yet again disappointment and regret for my emotions in the beginning.

To all 7 of my children, the 6 in heaven and the one lying next to me. Never wonder if you are loved. Because you are. Unceasingly, without end. Do not doubt. I loved you before I met you, I loved you before you were conceived, and I love you more each and every day.

My hope in my suffering and loss here on this earth is that in heaven some woman that experienced infertility and loss is able to hold you tight and help keep watch over you until Momma gets there and can squeeze you and fall in love with you all over again.

Band Geek

I took my sister, JoAnna, to go pick up her flute that she had been so patiently waiting for since the first day of school.

Let me tell you, the giddiness and process of her trying to learn right in front of my eyes made me miss band.

And look forward to Matthew learning how to play an instrument. Which he will by how excited he gets when JoAnna begins playing, singing along with her and clapping his hands. Or by the crying when she puts it away :-)

She reminded me a little of myself how often she got her instrument out to play it again, and again, and again. I hope she keeps that joy through high school and beyond. Because I still occasionally get my clarinet out and bust out the chromatic scale (alas much slower and sloppier than I used to be able to) or memorized portions of various pieces that I played for solo and ensemble.

And have I mentioned how much JoAnna giggle or thought it was AWESOME that she could do something better than her oldest sister. I am TERRIBLE at the flute. I even said, "THAT is why I never played the flute." and she giggled and told me to give her her flute back. And talked about how it took me many tries to get a sound to come out. I would have to practice so much just to sound as good as she does already lol.

 Praying she has wonderful tone, musical ability, and is able to pour herself into music as I had. That it will become her escape when the days seem long, and that God will find her there. That her spirits will be lifted, her ADD will melt away, and others will find joy in her talents as she plays her instrument.

Here is JoAnna Kay playing her flute, don't mind my finger in the corner, haha. She was SO excited she played it in the back seat of my car on our way home. I got asked how annoying it was. And 100% can say it wasn't. It was amazing to watch her willingness to learn and hear notes that actually sounded good! (My poor mom with the clarinet, not all notes sounded good haha).

9 Months!

This comes a little late, as Matthew is now 9.5 months old. But alas, here I am. I have thought about writing quite often, and hoping I will get to soon. Life just gets sooooo busy. I don't want to forget these precious moments with Matthew, but I also do not want to miss them by spending time sitting on a computer writing about them! Life is such a balancing act, isn't it?

Anyways. Our little butterball started army crawling like 3 weeks ago, then a week ago figured out regular crawling, but dragging one of his legs instead of using both (I actually asked James if he thought he needed PT it looked so funky). NOW he has started bear crawling at times, and has figured out how to quickly crawl using both knees to propel himself. He is pulling himself up on things and letting go and just standing there for a couple of seconds before he freaks out and remembers hey I'm not holding onto anything and quickly grabs back ahold, or loses his balance.

He now says momma, Dada, attempts to say jack and is now meowing back at the cats. It is so gosh darn cute! He also loves to dance. He shakes his head and does liked full body thrusts lol. I have been trying to teach him to wave his arms while dancing, but instead he usually dances more enthusiastically or claps at me. He will wave bye-bye to daddy and occasionally to others, but not momma...it makes him too sad when I leave!

He will eat anything under the son, even though he only has 2 bottom teeth. I gave him a piece of red pepper to chew on and he bit chunks off and ate them much to my surprise. And was "nummmm, ummmm, nummm"-ing the whole time. I have allowed him to try ice cream, he is hilarious with an ice cream cone. My sister says he is going to suffocate himself in the ice cream by the way he face plants into the vanilla deliciousness. I told her I have never heard of death by ice cream cone ;-)

I should clarify before I talk about his weight, I do not give him excessive amounts of sweets or table foods in general. He still is breast fed, and when with me sometimes he skips eating anything for lunch and just nurses instead. So I am NOT overfeeding my son, and yes I know "he is such a big boy" I get this from everyone at first when they see him, except for women that have breast fed their babies and say "oh he reminds me of my son at that age!" But I cannot help but feel the judgement at times, I am probably more self-conscious at times due to the fact that James and I both struggle with our weight. But that is a topic for another day....

Okay, now that I got that off my shoulders...I weighed him last Friday. By doing the whole me hold him weigh us, then weigh myself and subtracting. It said he weighed 29lbs exactly!! I was SHOCKED. We thought he was maintaining, but must be he just grew some. I should be growing some arm muscles! My little butterball turkey isn't so little any more but one thing is for sure: he loves his momma SO much! (And his daddy too ;-P)

We had his 9 month photos taken yesterday. I was afraid he wasn't going to cooperate. How silly of me to think that! He saw that camera and was all smiles! Until he wanted to nurse. This is the only picture we have gotten to see from our photo shoot, so more will be to come...every time I look at it I am amazed by how blue his eyes are! God sure created a handsome little fella out of James and I's DNA.

We All Fall Short

We all fail. We all fall down. We all fall short, desperately short, from deserving God's mercy and blessings.

But that is the great thing about our God. He sent His son Jesus to bridge that gap. Allowed Him to die on the cross to make up for where we are weak. Where the sin is blackening our lives. Even though we don't deserve it, God's love and mercy is there waiting for us to acknowledge it.

As Christian's, especially young christians, you tend to believe following Christ is all rainbows and butterflies. Love, mercy, and blessings. God is love, afterall. Then life happens. A muffler falls off your car. Or you fail a class. Or maybe you simply have a really cruddy day. And you feel the Son's light shining a little less. You face miscarriage after miscarriage, and bitterness creaps into your heart. As you wonder why us? Why me God? Can't ONE thing in my life go EASY for ONCE?!

Then there is Job.

He lost his children. His herds and flocks. And His wife doesn't stand behind him. His health falters. But never his faith. Never once does he curse God. Not once does he lose his sight on God.

I got told one day by a dear friend that in the midst of the craziness of our infertility I was like a female version of Job. And while I wish I could own that, it hasn't been true. Because I did question my faith. I was so bitter. Angry. I fell short.

The same week I got told by another friend that I was one that life couldn't ruin. And it made me cry. Because some times I do feel so flawed. So broken. But also I feel blessed to be the woman God has helped shape me to be. So thankful that during my childhood he was there even before I knew him. That he protected me when I denied his existance.

Because friends...I can tell you in my life just as God was there protecting me I have no doubt that Satan's armys were right there trying to deconstruct the foundations of what Christ had built in me.

I hear songs like "Beauty from Pain" by Barlow Girl, or "Waiting Room" by Johny Dias, or "Waiting Here for You" and it brings me back to the pain I felt as I poured my heart out to God during the midst of our loses. And it reminds me of not only how short I truly fall most of the times. But also how blessed we are to go through those struggles. That God saw us fit enough to wade through those dark times and know that we would still choose him.

I bought a book by Roy Lessin on my walk to Emmaus, titled Today is Your Best Day. I love this quote.

"You may be going through a very difficult time today, but that does not mean this is your worst day. God will use the difficulty to produce precious things within you that you will treasure in days to come. There may be pressures in your day, but God uses pressure to form diamonds. There may be a fiery trial in your day, but God uses fire to purify gold. There may an irritant in your day, but God uses irritants to create pearls. If you are in need of comfort today, God will bring His comfort to you, and the comfort you receive will help you comfort someone tomorrow."

The pressures in our lives created a diamond, his name is Matthew.
The fiery trials in our lives created a purification, of our hearts towards God and each other.
The irritants in our lives created pearls, called true intimacy.
The comforts we have received from God, have been used already to comfort others. As I am sure they will continue.

And we are so blessed. Not by this world's standards. But by God's. And we all know this world falls desperately short of the glory of God.

Blessings in this Life.

Where to start? My last post was in April. Oiy! Slacker lady, I know!

School is going surprisingly well, and I can promise you that is all God because I haven't put in as much work as I know I should be, but I use a little common sense with the knowledge from class and have been doing well thus far. I think it is because the medical field is where I truly belong.

James is dreaming big dreams when it comes to his career choices, that I am excited to one day come to fruition. Dreams that would (and will) seem crazy to many people.

Matthew is now 7 months old. He weighs a whopping 25lbs 12.5oz, and is somewhere around 27 inches tall. He said "Mama" the other night, while looking at James (not me, unfair) but when I said Mama to him again he repeated it. So adorable. He has started rocking on his hands and knees and loves standing up to play. He is quite clingy, and a total cuddle bug. He still isn't sleeping through the night. But his smile could melt the coldest heart, and his giggle could turn a grey sky blue. He is worth every hard moment we had to endure to get to him, and every hard moment since he entered our lives.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

 perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, 

because God has poured out His love into our hearts."

Romans 5:3-5 NIV

James and I had decided during our pregnancy with Matthew that we weren't going to actively prevent or try to conceive after Matthew entered our lives. We were going to leave it completely up to God. Because all the trying in the world didn't make the 2 years easier, or the 5 loses hurt more or less. Call us crazy, but we both would like to have four children. A big family. We have big hopes for my half of uterus and single fallopian tube. 

My cycles hadn't even returned postpartum when on father's day I decided to do my random once a month test. I walked away and assumed it to be negative. Until much later when I saw a dark positive starting up at me. I think I almost puked. haha. I am ashamed to admit I wasn't exactly super excited. James on the other hand? You should have seen the smile on his face! 

And while you probably are aware from facebook, now two and a half weeks later we are in the midst of loss #6, this time an ectopic pregnancy. If anything this has made me realize how much I truly do want Matthew to be a big brother to a sibling here on earth. Instead of a little brother to babies in heaven, and a big brother to this little baby in heaven. It has also brought me close to God again. I hate to say it this way, but this loss has been a blessing to my heart. Because God is what is most important and I had allowed myself to drift away from him. Silly woman, I know.

People often say to me, "You had such a hard time, aren't you done with one?" The answer? Nope. Matthew is worth every heartache, every tear, every aching moment in my heart and soul as we mourned the loss of a baby after another baby. We have hope. And now, we have Matthew which has made this loss much easier than the others in the past. Because we now know what it is like to finally reach the other side of the rainbow. What it is like to finally snuggle your baby, and be seen as a Mommy and Daddy. And all I can do some days is look at him and thank God for this experience. AND squeeze him tight and not want to let him go.

"There is surely a future hope for you,

and your hope will not be cut off."

Proverbs 23:18

With taking methotrexate to help this pregnancy "resolve" for lack of better words (oh boy when the sadness hit, I truly did cry to the thought of taking a medication, again, to help my body get rid of a baby) it caused me to stop nursing for 3 long days, and the 4th day I did pump and dump after nursing him throughout the night. It also has me not taking folic acid or prenatals until my hcg reaches 0. AND comes with instructions to prevent for 1-2 cycles afterwards. Prevent? We haven't prevented since that first year we were married. It is going to be quite interesting. 

But we haven't lost hope! Doubt still whispers into my ear at times, "What if you have to go through five losses again before a baby makes your family turn into a family of 4?" "What if this ectopic has closed your fallopian tube?" "What if...." "What if..." But guess what, I have a BIG God. And he worked a miracle in Matthew and he can do it again, and again, and again....how ever many times he chooses. And those thoughts quiet down those thoughts.

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are --

no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners

of everything that can't be bought."

Matthew 5:5 The Message

If God chooses to not bless us with another healthy pregnancy, we will be okay. Because we know that God plans for us to go through the process of adoption too. And we look forward to the point in our lives that we are actively going towards that goal as well. Bring on a different set of challenges, different set of heartaches, and a whole 'nother set of blessings that come along with it all.

We are so incredibly blessed.

And so thankful that for the journey that God has created just for us to walk.