School is going surprisingly well, and I can promise you that is all God because I haven't put in as much work as I know I should be, but I use a little common sense with the knowledge from class and have been doing well thus far. I think it is because the medical field is where I truly belong.
James is dreaming big dreams when it comes to his career choices, that I am excited to one day come to fruition. Dreams that would (and will) seem crazy to many people.
Matthew is now 7 months old. He weighs a whopping 25lbs 12.5oz, and is somewhere around 27 inches tall. He said "Mama" the other night, while looking at James (not me, unfair) but when I said Mama to him again he repeated it. So adorable. He has started rocking on his hands and knees and loves standing up to play. He is quite clingy, and a total cuddle bug. He still isn't sleeping through the night. But his smile could melt the coldest heart, and his giggle could turn a grey sky blue. He is worth every hard moment we had to endure to get to him, and every hard moment since he entered our lives.
"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out His love into our hearts."
Romans 5:3-5 NIV
James and I had decided during our pregnancy with Matthew that we weren't going to actively prevent or try to conceive after Matthew entered our lives. We were going to leave it completely up to God. Because all the trying in the world didn't make the 2 years easier, or the 5 loses hurt more or less. Call us crazy, but we both would like to have four children. A big family. We have big hopes for my half of uterus and single fallopian tube.
My cycles hadn't even returned postpartum when on father's day I decided to do my random once a month test. I walked away and assumed it to be negative. Until much later when I saw a dark positive starting up at me. I think I almost puked. haha. I am ashamed to admit I wasn't exactly super excited. James on the other hand? You should have seen the smile on his face!
And while you probably are aware from facebook, now two and a half weeks later we are in the midst of loss #6, this time an ectopic pregnancy. If anything this has made me realize how much I truly do want Matthew to be a big brother to a sibling here on earth. Instead of a little brother to babies in heaven, and a big brother to this little baby in heaven. It has also brought me close to God again. I hate to say it this way, but this loss has been a blessing to my heart. Because God is what is most important and I had allowed myself to drift away from him. Silly woman, I know.
People often say to me, "You had such a hard time, aren't you done with one?" The answer? Nope. Matthew is worth every heartache, every tear, every aching moment in my heart and soul as we mourned the loss of a baby after another baby. We have hope. And now, we have Matthew which has made this loss much easier than the others in the past. Because we now know what it is like to finally reach the other side of the rainbow. What it is like to finally snuggle your baby, and be seen as a Mommy and Daddy. And all I can do some days is look at him and thank God for this experience. AND squeeze him tight and not want to let him go.
"There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:18
With taking methotrexate to help this pregnancy "resolve" for lack of better words (oh boy when the sadness hit, I truly did cry to the thought of taking a medication, again, to help my body get rid of a baby) it caused me to stop nursing for 3 long days, and the 4th day I did pump and dump after nursing him throughout the night. It also has me not taking folic acid or prenatals until my hcg reaches 0. AND comes with instructions to prevent for 1-2 cycles afterwards. Prevent? We haven't prevented since that first year we were married. It is going to be quite interesting.
But we haven't lost hope! Doubt still whispers into my ear at times, "What if you have to go through five losses again before a baby makes your family turn into a family of 4?" "What if this ectopic has closed your fallopian tube?" "What if...." "What if..." But guess what, I have a BIG God. And he worked a miracle in Matthew and he can do it again, and again, and again....how ever many times he chooses. And those thoughts quiet down those thoughts.
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are --
no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners
of everything that can't be bought."
Matthew 5:5 The Message
If God chooses to not bless us with another healthy pregnancy, we will be okay. Because we know that God plans for us to go through the process of adoption too. And we look forward to the point in our lives that we are actively going towards that goal as well. Bring on a different set of challenges, different set of heartaches, and a whole 'nother set of blessings that come along with it all.
We are so incredibly blessed.
And so thankful that for the journey that God has created just for us to walk.
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