Heavy Heart.

Loss number seven. Let that weigh on your heart for a minute.

Imagine seven little ones playing together. Seven faceless babies. Seven babies that we will only get to see in heaven.

It weighs heavy on my heart this week. I cannot tell you the excitement I felt when I saw that dark pregnancy test. I knew in my heart (or thought I knew...) that the pregnancy was going to work out and we would get to bring home a baby, and experience a healthy pregnancy like with Matthew.

But my heart was wrong. Because you see with EVERY pregnancy I hope and pray and believe that this pregnancy will be the one to work out. Every single time. But unlike times in the past, I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

My heart is heavy. I am worn and crushed, and broken. But I have an amazing God. He is a healer. He makes the impossible possible. He is a miracle worker. He can handle my anger. He can handle my sadness. Disbelief. He can hold me when I cry and when I am speechless. But when there is bitterness in my heart, there isn't much room for God.

I can have a heavy heart without having a heart darkened with bitterness.

But when it comes to grieving a lost child it can be a delicate line to balance.

You see every time you hear of a pregnancy. See a newborn. You can be reminded of what you have lost, especially when your heart is heavy. During moments of joy you can see those miracles and thank God for them. But it is a little more difficult with a heart of sadness.

Yet, having Matthew DOES make it easier. I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day, or maybe I was reading a blog...either way there was a woman taking about how her parents lost 4 pregnancies, and had a baby born full term sleeping before they were blessed with her. She was talking about how grateful she was for her parents not giving up on her. For the life they allowed her to have by their faith and determination.

I want Matthew to know that he was worth the heartache, the struggle. And we will endure the same heartache and struggle if that is what God has called us to in order to bring him a sibling. This is 100% not the life I would have chosen for myself. BUT this is 100% the life God has called us to live. And we will do it to the best of our ability, but only because God is strong enough to hold us up while we go through it.

Thank goodness God can hold my heavy heart and still love me unconditionally.