Late Night Ramblings

"When I speak up, I feel no better; if I say nothing, that doesn't help either. I feel worn down."

Job 16:6-7

"Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live (and the babies that you bless us with!)! 

Do not let my hope be crushed.

Psalms 119:116 NLT (emphasis added)

This Sunday my soul yearned to go to church to find my little place at Jesus' feet and worship him with fellow believers. Pour out my heart with songs of praise flowing from my lips. I just wanted to be with Jesus, at church. Outside of the house, with full intention to find healing for my heart.

Matthew didn't have his listening ears on. We were running late, James was exhausted from the emotions of the week, the hours he has been working, and his early morning attempt to go hunting....he was sleeping. The frustration built up in me as I was feeling like a crazy lady trying to get myself and this little squishy boy that is normally cute, but exceedingly more irritating in that present moment...yelling, "I running! I running!" as he slips out the door that I opened to let the dogs out, in his socks, across the wet yard.

It was that moment that curse words may have slipped from my mouth and asked myself, seriously, what is the point? We were going to be late. The frustration almost didn't seem worth it. And we could just go inside and watch whatever movie of Matthew's choice while I got housework done. It would make it seem more productive at least.

The point was that I needed to attend church. I know that may sound silly to some. But my soul yearned for it. I haven't yearned like that to go to church in a long time. In my brokenness it seems I always know who it is that I need to run to. (I wish that was the same for all of the good days)

James and I had been talking Saturday about this loss and how essentially he hates the pain that each loss causes. The emotional strife that it places on both of us, while we are forced to go forward with our usual day to day lives. We talked about choices that we could make for testing, and where we go from here. There is a lot of pressure that I feel to lose weight and get more healthy, so much of our infertility is carried by me that I just feel worn out some days. Because I am the infertile one...yes we are an infertile couple...but it is my stupid body that causes all of the issues that we have, and I am also the one that carries the biggest heart wanting to carry babies because the experience is so amazing. To me, all of this pain and heartache is worth the moment when we are able to experience another healthy pregnancy. I believe in my heart that God will bless us at least one more time. Maybe just one more time, but it will happen. I just don't know how many more losses God is going to allow us to wade through before he lets us out of this waiting room with a doctor that comes out with joy shinning from the face instead of sorrow to tell us bad news, once again.

Pregnancy is not a promise for a baby. Just as grief is not a cookie cutter experience for all. And joy isn't only found where rainbows and butterflies roam. Pregnancy is a miracle, a blessing, no matter how short of the life. Grief and Joy both have this amazing little dance in my life. Joy for Matthew, Grief over losing another one of his siblings. Joy over knowing this last little one was a girl, grief over wondering what she looks like, what her laugh would sound like... It's a daily dance my friends. It will get better, easier some days, but the grief never goes away. It isn't always a wailing thunderstorm trying to drown out the sun, eventually it turns into a little cloud in front of the sun, or a white little butterfly fluttering by on a beautiful breezy summer day.

My heart is all sorts of achy and sad. Most of the waterworks seem to spill out at night, after Matthew has fallen asleep and I look over at James sleeping peacefully. My two favorite men in this entire world. I think about how blessed I am to have them in my life, and how I wish I could give them so much more. Thoughts about our lost babies echo in my head, memories of heartaches past, years of tracking my cycle, loss after loss, after loss. The excitement I had after seeing a positive test this time when I found the Big Brother shirt I purchased in 3T the first time I found out I was pregnant this year, because surely if that pregnancy didn't end up a happy ending...one would by the time he was in a 3T. (He wears 3T shirts most days now). I think about all the work I have to do to lose weight, and how much I have been drowning my emotions in food and unhealthy crap. Of ways to approach my doctor to have her do the labs that I wish for. Ways for God to have his glory shown in the crappy situations we find ourselves in at the moment.

Because God is good, all of the time. I never Even if I sometimes doubt question it in the midst of the struggles of this life. He is enough. He is enough, even if we never have another healthy thriving pregnancy. He is enough in my brokenheartedness. He is enough in the darkness of night when sadness invades. He is enough. He is able to heal my heart, to turn my mourning into dancing. He will make something beautiful out of this pain. He hears our prayers and cries. He doesn't turn a deaf ear to me in the middle of the night, when tears start to wet my pillow. He is enough. He holds, at the same time, my babies in heaven, and the babies he has yet to bless us with. He is Alpha, Omega, Beginning, and End. He knows no time constraints. He is omnipresent and omnipotent. He knows the plans he has for me, for US as a family. He knows the hearts that will be added to our little family. He knows what it will take to have the family he has created and planned for us.

He is enough for my dreams, even when they seem daunting to most. He is enough.

So for now, I will cling to my dreams and promises that I have heard Him whisper to my heart and ignore the nay-sayers. I will once again start praying for a clear path for how and when our family is to grow. I will fervently and audaciously pray for another healthy pregnancy, while praying that God is kind and guards the hearts of our future children that will come our way through foster care. That he will bless them with resilient hearts, mind, and bodies. That they will choose Joy in the midst of hard times, and grow to love Jesus. That our family will show them love and safety as they have never known. And that God will heal their hearts and minds from whatever was in their pasts to bring them to us via the foster system. I will continue to pray for the opportunity to come to us to adopt internationally. I will continue to pray that our family will be the family that God wishes for us to be, and that it matches up with the desires of my heart.

I think that is enough rambling for tonight, my eyes are getting droopy, and the tears have subsided. I feel at peace. God is good. He is all that He has promised. And I can definitely find Joy in the midst of this suffering my heart is going through.