Julianna Grace.

My heart broke a little bit more this month. This past Sunday night (11/30) I took a pregnancy test after a week of heartburn, knowing my period was due soon, and unexplainable exhaustion. Even without  holding my urine long it came up positive.

Tuesday I went for my first beta. 47. I already knew it was going to be a loss by that first number but before I got the results I let my hopes soar. I created two announcements to print after good labs to have a cute way to tell James and after our first ultrasound to be able to take photos with and put in Christmas cards.

I didn't guard my heart. I got excited. I prayed to see those tiny little fingers and toes. For Matthew to be a big brother. Hope soared.

And then crashed down. Next beta was 45.something and progesterone was 11. Yesterday's beta was 11.5 So tomorrow will be my last. I called in this weekend expecting with the horrible cramps I had that miscarriage #11 would start quick and fast. Wrong seems 40 days are the lengths of my miscarriages since having Matthew.

In the meantime between second and third beta I prayed hard and gave it to God for his will to be done. Grieving the loss of another nameless baby, something that has been daunting to me...8 babies of ours without names? It doesn't seem right.... Anyways, I prayed for tiny fingers and toes I will not get to see and hold. When goose bumps ran over me and I heard Julianna Grace. I thought to myself, what? And said the name out loud and once more was overcome by goosebumps and just the knowledge that God was speaking to me. We have a daughter that is with Jesus. And her name is Julianna Grace.

I don't know how to feel any more. Blessed because of the miracle of Matthew but hurting because this sucks. Only allowing myself to cry when others aren't around because I hate the pity I see in their eyes. The questions of why we keep trying. And those that brush it off, and don't ask if I am okay. My heart aches. But is healing, when I remember God's promise to me in the basement last Christmas season "I have done it once, I can do it again."

My plan? Start progessence plus by young living, a supplement/herb my friend recommended, and get immunology testing. I want to talk to my Dr about taking lovenox sooner after ovulation. I need to get serious about losing weight. I simply do not believe there is not another reason for every loss these past 2 years to be within 2 days of the same bench mark of pregnancy. There has to be something else at play in my crazy body.

To my little Julianna Grace -- I cannot wait to see your face my precious little baby. So thankful Jesus knew your name to tell me. It blessed my heart and brought a huge smile to my face as tears streamed down. I cannot wait to hold you and look into your eyes. I love you. Say hello to your big brother and sisters for me. Let them know how much I miss them and how treasured they truly are. Until we meet I will carry you in my heart.