I Will Carry You

"It was good therapy for me to sit on my bed in silence and pour my heart out to the keyboard. I didn’t have to see the look in people’s eyes or watch them uncomfortably search for the right words when we both knew there just weren’t any."
Angie Smith -  I Will Carry You

I decided it was time for me to read this book with my heart achy from loss I figured the tears were going to fall anyways so I might as well help them to fall. I am only three chapters in and it has been administering to my soul.

Reminding me of the years of blogging my heart out in pain and agony as we tried for a little one of our own. Blogging because people face to face were sick of hearing our journey. Uncomfortable to see our pain.  Annoyed with bitter statements.  I was tired of the looks they would unknowingly give. I started to hear statements about if we one day had children of our own.

Guarding my heart from potential hurts, and getting much needed emotions off my chest,  I blogged to women I didn't know "in real life" who knew too well the path I was walking.  They became good friends. They became my sounding board. Numbers were exchanged. With many texts sent. One  friend even sent me a gift when we finally had Matthew.

I have been blessed by this journey of brokenness. Even though some days I feel like it is a curse. Because of it,  I am not afraid of uncomfortable conversations when others are in pain. I can minister to women the way many cannot.  I know the pain of infertility and loss and when taking to others when I say I understand,  I really do because I have walked the path feeling disheartened and wondering if my hope was really false hope.

The good thing is "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8 NLT He is the same Jesus as when I first discovered him. When I first fell in love with Him. The same Jesus present when James and I got married. When both of us were born.  The same Jesus the day we lost our first little one. The same as when we were diagnosed with infertility. The same Jesus as when we found out we were expecting Matthew. And the same Jesus as we said goodbye to Julianna. 

Jesus is the same in our joy. In our trials. In our brokenhearted moments. He is the same in our celebrations and our grieving. He carries me through. Just as I carry the short lives of our babies in my heart.

To my little ones, I will carry you in my heart. Until I meet you in heaven and can finally carry you in my arms.