One Thing I Can Do Right.

This is a Draft I began in October 

I may not be able to stay pregnant very easily. And I may have to be watched carefully because I am high risk.

BUT the one thing I can do really well is....breastfeed.

In the beginning 6 weeks, where I was exclusively pumping, every 2 hours because Matthew wouldn't latch...you could have asked me then and I would have said even I couldn't do that right.

I persevered and now Matthew is 11 months old without any signs of him wanting to stop any time soon. I am planning on nursing for at least 7 more months.

People may think I am crazy. They find it gross when you breastfeed into toddlerhood. Yet, this is in the US only. The place with the lowest breastfeeding rates. The CDC recommends 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding your child. The WHO recommends at least 2 YEARS of breastfeeding, and further if mom and children wish.

I started out covering up in public. Thinking it was the Christian thing to do, to be modest and all that jazz. Then came the summer when there was NO WAY I was going to cover Matthew up while he nursed, and to be frank he would refuse and you were more likely to see nipple if I tried to cover him up.

Now, I do not cover up but I do my best to maintain modesty. I always wear a cami to cover up my stomach, and then I pull up my top shirt while pulling down my cami. I want to help make breastfeeding the norm, encourage women to at the very least TRY to breastfeed and if possible break our cultural view of breastfeeding being seen as weird or gross. Or better yet increase the number of mom's that make it past 6 months or a year.

Matthew is now 14 months old and is still nursing regularly. I hope to nurse til he self weans. Which I am hoping will be around 2 years. I would love to tandem feed if God chooses to bless us with another healthy pregnancy soon.  With our 8th loss recently my guess would be that it isn't going to happen as I would hope. 

I cannot stay pregnant very well but I am a nursing champion!  :-)

Audacious Prayer

I have been trying to set aside time every night for time with God (I would be lying if I said I haven't skipped a night off and on even though I started January....it is a work in progress). I have been reading a devotional, reading chapters out of the Bible, and just trying to dig deeper into my relationship with Him.

Today's entry was on audacious vs conservative prayer. Can you imagine the Bible with conservative prayers only being answered? Lazerus would have never rose from the dead. Joshua would have never beat Jericho. Daniel would have been eaten by a lion. David would have been taken down by his enemies. And Hannah would have remained childless.

The last part. Made me tear up. Hannah prayed so audaciously that they thought she was drunk. Maybe she was a little drunk...on the love and hope for her to carry a little life. She prayed so big that those looking on thought she was not of a normal state of mind.

Are your prayers audacious? Be it praying for a church building that seems impossible (and is 100% impossible without God). Praying for adoption funds. Praying for a miracle cure. Or prayers for a baby to be conceived after years of infertility and loss.

Pray audaciously and let God in. You may be surprised by the story he decides to write in your life.

Matthew is my reminder that God still answers audacious prayers. And while people look at me as if I am crazy when I say one day we will actively try for a sibling for Matthew.  I know in my heart God answers audacious prayers.

Even if it means people look at me as if I am drunk and I have to walk through tough times to get to his answer. Audacious prayer is always better than conservative prayers.

Blessings in Disguise and Thoughts on Parenting

I wrote this post in December and was once again reading through drafts and decided it was worth sharing.

Earlier this month Matthew burnt his hand on the wood stove at my aunt's house. I knew I needed to take him into the doctor for peace of mind. This fear though radiated within me of worrying about being turned in for neglect or something for him being in an environment that allowed him to be hurt.

Fortunately the doctor put my mind at ease. He told me, "I always tell my kids there are some things you want to learn in the classroom instead of on the field trip. He just learned what 'hot' meant on the field trip today. And probably learned a bit more than he wanted to."

It is true though, isn't it? There are so many things in life you can learn about. Reading about it you can get the gist and sometimes that is all you even could care to know. Other times you find yourself learning way too much about a life topic you never wished or dreamed to know.

As Christians we have a choice when we are handed these poor circumstances to live out. We can look to God and say...okay God this is where I am. Let me learn what I need to, but know I really am not wanting or wishing to go through this any longer. OR we can grow angry, bitter, and focus all our energy on the negative.

We can make choices that lead us into poor circumstances. But some are not up to us at all. Like who our parents are. The choices that others make that can impact us. Or what abilities we have or how God created us.
It is our choice to control our response, look for the take away, and say God thank you for it all.

Life for the Sawdy girls hasn't always been easy. Yet by how giving and loving we are you might not know it. But on the inside of the family structure there has been a weakness in the foundation that is also a strength. My father.

A weakness that is a strength, what?!

You heard me right. He wasn't a nice man growing up. He was verbally abusive. Once he punched in the jaw full force. He told me men would only want me for sex and never once called me beautiful.

Through him I realized the safety in school. In being educated. I thrived. Focused on getting excellent grades. I realized how much a single mom truly does and was thankful more so for my mom. I learned how to have a voice and stand up for what I believe in. And control my temper. I learned what I DIDN'T want my husband to be like. And learned the lessons of what is important to your children to hear from their father. How important it is to not include your children in some conversations, but to always tell them how valued and loved they are. I learned the importance of admitting mistakes and asking for forgiveness.

I learned how truly blessed I am to have James as my husband and how blessed Matthew is to have him as his Dad. I learned this through the field trip of life. By my father doing things when the shouldn't have and not doing things when he should have.

He wasn't always terrible but the times that stick out in my memory are those that impacted my life the most....and they mostly are not pleasant.

Sadly, recently he started telling my littlest sister things I felt were not age appropriate (or factual in any way....much like when he told me Mom shook me as a baby, when I was in 2nd grade mind you). I had to tell him I felt it was inappropriate and not truthful and that if he couldn't speak truth then he wouldn't be around my son in the future because he doesn't need to have things about myself be twisted and skewed into his perceptions that are often times not quite in line with reality. Naturally he went off and started stating I said he wasn't going to be Matthew's grandparent any more. There is more I could go into...but I will spare you the details.

I have come to the conclusion with him I can forgive from afar. Be amicable if in the same room but stop seeking out a relationship because frankly I am not sure it is worth the stress and hurt that it causes. Like the Bible verse about if a body part causes you to sin, get rid of it! Can't I just not have a relationship so I only have to forgive repeatedly over past hurts and anger instead of additional more that takes off the entire proverbial scab off my heart?  This is the point I am at. But, part of me always gets hung up on that Bible verse about honoring your father and your mother. How can you honor someone when you do not feel valued by them?

Parenting is a tricky thing. You impact your child's life immensely. Children are handed to you by God to raise, but ultimately they are His. We can build them up or tear them down. Bring them closer to Christ or push them further away.

Parenting is a blessing God has bestowed on us, and it isn't something to be taken lightly. So what happens when you do not step up and acknowledge that blessing? Can you truly expect your children to honor you?

Heavy Heart.

Loss number seven. Let that weigh on your heart for a minute.

Imagine seven little ones playing together. Seven faceless babies. Seven babies that we will only get to see in heaven.

It weighs heavy on my heart this week. I cannot tell you the excitement I felt when I saw that dark pregnancy test. I knew in my heart (or thought I knew...) that the pregnancy was going to work out and we would get to bring home a baby, and experience a healthy pregnancy like with Matthew.

But my heart was wrong. Because you see with EVERY pregnancy I hope and pray and believe that this pregnancy will be the one to work out. Every single time. But unlike times in the past, I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

My heart is heavy. I am worn and crushed, and broken. But I have an amazing God. He is a healer. He makes the impossible possible. He is a miracle worker. He can handle my anger. He can handle my sadness. Disbelief. He can hold me when I cry and when I am speechless. But when there is bitterness in my heart, there isn't much room for God.

I can have a heavy heart without having a heart darkened with bitterness.

But when it comes to grieving a lost child it can be a delicate line to balance.

You see every time you hear of a pregnancy. See a newborn. You can be reminded of what you have lost, especially when your heart is heavy. During moments of joy you can see those miracles and thank God for them. But it is a little more difficult with a heart of sadness.

Yet, having Matthew DOES make it easier. I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day, or maybe I was reading a blog...either way there was a woman taking about how her parents lost 4 pregnancies, and had a baby born full term sleeping before they were blessed with her. She was talking about how grateful she was for her parents not giving up on her. For the life they allowed her to have by their faith and determination.

I want Matthew to know that he was worth the heartache, the struggle. And we will endure the same heartache and struggle if that is what God has called us to in order to bring him a sibling. This is 100% not the life I would have chosen for myself. BUT this is 100% the life God has called us to live. And we will do it to the best of our ability, but only because God is strong enough to hold us up while we go through it.

Thank goodness God can hold my heavy heart and still love me unconditionally.

Remembrance Day

Babies, I remember you every day. And I mean EVERY. But some days are harder. Much harder.

Like today. I feel like I haven't done enough to remember you, to celebrate the life that was. That people have and will forget you existed.

And they might.

But I won't. Much like an elephant never forgets, same with the grieving mother...she never forgets either.

I fear some days I am not doing my part to get to meet you in heaven. Not doing my part to remember you. And that makes my heart so very sad.

To our first little one, our Abigail. Father's joy. You were such a blessing. Three months in to trying and it felt like forever. Heartbreak every month that I thought was terrible. And then there was that second pink line. That hope shining through the darkness of news of PCOS and fear of infertility. I clung to hope. And in that hope I got the worst phone call of my life thus far. Telling me I was going to miscarry. You were gone.

That emotion I felt in those few short weeks from seeing that positive close to my birthday to seeing my body miscarry you on thanksgiving...roller coaster to say the least. Daddy still wants us to name a little girl Abigail if we have another, so we may be like Ms. Kay from Duck Dynasty and have another Abigail one day. But we will see.

The second pregnancy came as a shock. A blaring second line, on Christmas. Again hope. Heartbreak. And fervent prayer. Sammy, you will always be remembered. I have your picture. And I carry that image in my heart.

After Sam I got SO bitter and angry. The next 3 losses are our unnamed children. Which makes me sad sometimes because they are not any less important. And I feel I was so wrapped up in my hurt and the unfairness of it all that I never prayed for God to reveal their gender to me or a name to remember them by. I was so hurt, and unable to function at times emotionally. I am SO thankful God was able to hold you in his arms while mommy went through this awful time.

Then we got our Matthew and he has been the light of our world, but also a struggle at many moments. I wonder if you kiddos would look like him, act like him, have the Hillard scowl marks, or the Purdey mole on your foot. I wonder and dream. Quite often.

And I look at big brother and little brother shirts for Matthew, and debate about getting them for him. As a discussion piece. As a way for him to know you better.

Sometimes I wonder if he can see you guys, like the old ladies at work that tell me my children are beautiful. Sometimes he smiles at things I cannot see and I know it is something heavenly, and that leaves you up for grabs.

After Matthew we had one suspected ectopic. A surprise that made me wish I wasn't pregnant at that moment followed by acceptance and excitement. And yet again disappointment and regret for my emotions in the beginning.

To all 7 of my children, the 6 in heaven and the one lying next to me. Never wonder if you are loved. Because you are. Unceasingly, without end. Do not doubt. I loved you before I met you, I loved you before you were conceived, and I love you more each and every day.

My hope in my suffering and loss here on this earth is that in heaven some woman that experienced infertility and loss is able to hold you tight and help keep watch over you until Momma gets there and can squeeze you and fall in love with you all over again.

Band Geek

I took my sister, JoAnna, to go pick up her flute that she had been so patiently waiting for since the first day of school.

Let me tell you, the giddiness and process of her trying to learn right in front of my eyes made me miss band.

And look forward to Matthew learning how to play an instrument. Which he will by how excited he gets when JoAnna begins playing, singing along with her and clapping his hands. Or by the crying when she puts it away :-)

She reminded me a little of myself how often she got her instrument out to play it again, and again, and again. I hope she keeps that joy through high school and beyond. Because I still occasionally get my clarinet out and bust out the chromatic scale (alas much slower and sloppier than I used to be able to) or memorized portions of various pieces that I played for solo and ensemble.

And have I mentioned how much JoAnna giggle or thought it was AWESOME that she could do something better than her oldest sister. I am TERRIBLE at the flute. I even said, "THAT is why I never played the flute." and she giggled and told me to give her her flute back. And talked about how it took me many tries to get a sound to come out. I would have to practice so much just to sound as good as she does already lol.

 Praying she has wonderful tone, musical ability, and is able to pour herself into music as I had. That it will become her escape when the days seem long, and that God will find her there. That her spirits will be lifted, her ADD will melt away, and others will find joy in her talents as she plays her instrument.

Here is JoAnna Kay playing her flute, don't mind my finger in the corner, haha. She was SO excited she played it in the back seat of my car on our way home. I got asked how annoying it was. And 100% can say it wasn't. It was amazing to watch her willingness to learn and hear notes that actually sounded good! (My poor mom with the clarinet, not all notes sounded good haha).

9 Months!

This comes a little late, as Matthew is now 9.5 months old. But alas, here I am. I have thought about writing quite often, and hoping I will get to soon. Life just gets sooooo busy. I don't want to forget these precious moments with Matthew, but I also do not want to miss them by spending time sitting on a computer writing about them! Life is such a balancing act, isn't it?

Anyways. Our little butterball started army crawling like 3 weeks ago, then a week ago figured out regular crawling, but dragging one of his legs instead of using both (I actually asked James if he thought he needed PT it looked so funky). NOW he has started bear crawling at times, and has figured out how to quickly crawl using both knees to propel himself. He is pulling himself up on things and letting go and just standing there for a couple of seconds before he freaks out and remembers hey I'm not holding onto anything and quickly grabs back ahold, or loses his balance.

He now says momma, Dada, attempts to say jack and is now meowing back at the cats. It is so gosh darn cute! He also loves to dance. He shakes his head and does liked full body thrusts lol. I have been trying to teach him to wave his arms while dancing, but instead he usually dances more enthusiastically or claps at me. He will wave bye-bye to daddy and occasionally to others, but not momma...it makes him too sad when I leave!

He will eat anything under the son, even though he only has 2 bottom teeth. I gave him a piece of red pepper to chew on and he bit chunks off and ate them much to my surprise. And was "nummmm, ummmm, nummm"-ing the whole time. I have allowed him to try ice cream, he is hilarious with an ice cream cone. My sister says he is going to suffocate himself in the ice cream by the way he face plants into the vanilla deliciousness. I told her I have never heard of death by ice cream cone ;-)

I should clarify before I talk about his weight, I do not give him excessive amounts of sweets or table foods in general. He still is breast fed, and when with me sometimes he skips eating anything for lunch and just nurses instead. So I am NOT overfeeding my son, and yes I know "he is such a big boy" I get this from everyone at first when they see him, except for women that have breast fed their babies and say "oh he reminds me of my son at that age!" But I cannot help but feel the judgement at times, I am probably more self-conscious at times due to the fact that James and I both struggle with our weight. But that is a topic for another day....

Okay, now that I got that off my shoulders...I weighed him last Friday. By doing the whole me hold him weigh us, then weigh myself and subtracting. It said he weighed 29lbs exactly!! I was SHOCKED. We thought he was maintaining, but must be he just grew some. I should be growing some arm muscles! My little butterball turkey isn't so little any more but one thing is for sure: he loves his momma SO much! (And his daddy too ;-P)

We had his 9 month photos taken yesterday. I was afraid he wasn't going to cooperate. How silly of me to think that! He saw that camera and was all smiles! Until he wanted to nurse. This is the only picture we have gotten to see from our photo shoot, so more will be to come...every time I look at it I am amazed by how blue his eyes are! God sure created a handsome little fella out of James and I's DNA.