God Has a Funny Sense of Humor

While looking through my drafts I found this completed post I never posted.  It is from April of last year.

 When I was younger, my one goal for having children was to be older than 20 because my mother had me at that age and I wanted to break the cycle.

Little did I know, that God had different plans for me and if I had gotten pregnant at the age of 20 I would have looked at it as such a gift from God.

My goal of waiting to get pregnant....changed when I fell in love with James and got married at the age of 21 and the huge desire to be a mom filled my heart to the brim. James said we needed to wait, so we waited. A year into our marriage with my monthly cycle getting longer and longer I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I will never forget the sound of the nurse's voice over the phone when she told me, "if you want to have children you may want to start trying soon because the longer you wait the more likely the harder it will be. Especially if your cycles continue to get further and further apart."

I was devastated. The thought of not being able to see a little baby that was half James and half myself was disheartening. But I still was unaware of the journey that God had set before us.

3 months into trying, I was ecstatic for the faintest of a pink line to show up! The doctors ordered lovenox for me to begin due to past history of a blood clot, progesterone to be tested, and hcg to be checked 48 hours apart. When they told me I was indeed pregnant but to remain cautiously optimistic due to the low progesterone (it was less than 10; they wanted 15 at more, 20+ even better) my heart dropped and I prayed fervent prayers for God to please, save this baby. 48 hours later, I got the news, all hyped up on dreams and extra progesterone, to quit the progesterone and wait for my miscarriage to begin.

Devastation. I don't know if I had ever cried that hard in my life, when I got the news on the playground at work that day. On thanksgiving the miscarriage began full force, and I was left putting on fake smiles while my insides were hurting.

We had unprotected sex once that cycle after the miscarriage. On Christmas I had a feeling I should test. With much joy, and uneasy optimism a second pink line popped up! We were expecting again! Surely God wouldn't have allowed us to get pregnant again this quickly if this little being wasn't to stay with us.

My hcg (pregnancy hormone) rose accordingly, but my progesterone was once again low. So that meant more excessively tired and weepy Jessica on supplements. When we went in for an ultrasound, there was the little circle of what should be a baby. But there wasn't a visible heartbeat.

So together we cried. We prayed for God to save this baby. I held on to false hope. And got told by the doctor that it was okay to wait if that is what I wished because "there isn't much tissue there anyways" um tissue?, that's our baby! I was SO angry with that doctor (and never saw her during my pregnancy with Matthew).

This time when I finally concluded that the pregnancy wasn't viable I quit the progesterone and assumed within a day the miscarriage would begin. But I was wrong. Labs showed my numbers were dropping but not like they should. It hurts my heart and stomach to talk about these things. At my mom's house in January I had to insert cytotec to help my baby leave my body. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt. That day I flushed what was once a growing baby, down the toilet. And I cried. And I became so bitter towards God.

After our second loss we did testing, SO much testing, we found out I had MTHFR a clotting disorder that also impacts your folic acid absorption. That James definitely had great swimmers. And we then tried clomid for 3 cycles....which I termed menopause in a bottle. Crabbiness, hot flashes, and great ovulation. But still no pregnancy.

At this point I read a blog that talked about how fat was her infertility. And James and I began exercising and counting calories hard core. I decided even if it didn't help me get pregnant, at least I would look darn good trying! It was my motivation during nursing school, my way to relieve stress, and I got the most fit I had been in a very very long time.

Right when I was considered no longer obese....something amazing happened! I got pregnant, and my ovulation was superb so no supplements were needed. But alas, God called that baby home again before I had the chance of seeing anything on ultrasound.

We were so disheartened, and James even mentioned just stopping trying. We contemplated birth control even with my clotting disorder just so we wouldn't have any more heartache. Thankfully we didn't. I thought it to be hilarious when our tickle toes stuffed monkey went off while doing the deed, and in that moment a renewed flicker of hope was placed in my heart. A week later, even before I could test I knew in my heart that we were expecting and this child was going to be our take home baby. I started testing...and testing....and testing and watched the pink line become darker than ever before. Until I decided to go get labs done, and even then I still didn't tell James because I didn't want to see the excitement, worry, and sadness in his eyes.

With awe and a pit in our stomach we waited for our ultrasound. And with tears in both of our eyes we got to see the most amazing thing in life...a beating heart, a baby growing within me. A baby that was ours.

And I laughed. With so much joy. God had blessed us, after 2 years and so many losses.

Our little Matthew (God's Gift) Isaac (Laughter) was born.
He is now 5 months, and has giggled only once (I told you God has a funny sense of humor).

We are so blessed.