HI have been working on this post the past couple of weeks. School has been intense to say the least! Add to it work and all the time spent in my car driving to all of the places I need to go there is little time left for me to reflect and get my thoughts out of my head and onto "paper".
With this most recent loss (number 8 if you missed that part...) and the fact that this month is all about foster care on the radio, I have done much thinking. And talking to God.
And talking to others about our infertility and losses and what it means for our family. I have not gotten insensitive comments this go around. Rather ones filled with hope for us to have more children and of sadness for what we have endured for that hope of maybe a baby. My heart is just sad and I am having a hard time reminding myself sometimes it is okay to be sad for more than a few days. Because infertility and loss isn't fair. It hurts and it sucks. It goes against the grains of nature of how you expect life to go. A parent is supposed to die before their children. Just as I shouldn't have to have this small (realistic) belief that each pregnancy may be another baby in Jesus' lap as I hope to maybe be able to see their face.
While I have been spared comments like "there must have been something wrong with it" this go around more than once I have gotten the questions, "if you can't have any more are you just going to adopt?"
We aren't just going to adopt. No one just adopts (just like no one goes through fertility treatments on a whim...that stuff is expensive and most insurance companies do not cover anything). There is such a huge long process and cost with adoption. Same with foster care. There is training lots of paperwork and a lengthy house study. If adopting from overseas there is those added costs and time off from work to pick them up from their country.
Regardless, if God had chosen to make us super fertile or kept us the way we are now...we would still have been drawn and called to foster care. Because just as infertility doesn't seem fair, it isn't fair the things the children in foster care have to go through. And as much as I wish I could have saved the babies I lost at least I know I can make an impact in a child's life here on earth no matter how short their stay is with us.
Between dreams I have had recently and nudges I have felt from God. Added to a dream one of my friends had confirming what I had dreamt by telling me what God had showed her in a prayer...I do believe there is one more pregnancy for me that leads to a healthy baby. But I haven't had any confirmation that we will have more than that. Biologically at least.
There are so many babies that are being grown in my heart it isn't funny. James and I have always wanted a large family. In today's age 4 kids is large. I loved being one of four. And James has joked about having 7 (so not to have to pay taxes lol). But honestly if God said we were to have 2 bio children and 5 adopted. Who would I be to say no if that was the plan he had for me...even if it meant getting a Duggar sized vehicle to drive around.
What I am saying is...I am at the point to where I have realized I NEED God in the good times and the bad. I NEED to be content with what he has given to us. Even if it is 8 babies in heaven and one in our lap. I cannot compare the path God has chosen for me to the path he has chosen for others.
We run our own race. Towards God not with each other and what we wish we could have on our own time line. I think that is one of the biggest things God has been teaching me. I truly need to trust in Him and the plan He has for us. And stop comparing and wishing for the life he has given to others.
One day we will get that hallelujah call for a baby in the hospital. Just like in my dream and the same love I felt for Matthew will overcome me for a baby that I have grown in my heart instead of my womb. And through the ups and downs of foster care maybe I will learn to appreciate even more what God has taught us through our multiple losses.
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