Wished. Hoped. Dreamed.

When I was little I wished on stars.

I wish I may I wish I might have this wish I wish tonight.

I didn't know that instead of wishing there was a God sitting in heaven that sent His son to die for me....that I could pray to and ask for the desires of my heart.

But once I did and saw that God answered prayers I hoped that he would answer yes to all the things I asked for. Much like a young child begging in a toy store or for candy at the check out.

I would get sad and think he wasn't hearing me. What's the point of a big guy in heaven if he isn't even going to put on his listening ears. GOD IT'S ME....JESSICA! YOU CREATED ME....REMEMBER? CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME?!

What I had failed to realize is that sometimes the times when you saw answers right away it was building a treasure box for your faith to rest in. Knowing God had answered once and he could do it again.

Once I realized sometimes his response was a quiet whisper or a gentle tug on my heart....I became less bitter and more excited to see God move again in my life.

And move he has. Throughout our journey I have been made weak so God can be strong and been filled with gloom so God could brighten my spirit. But sometimes I hate being the bearer of bad news.

I want so badly to just be able to shout again of my joy in a time of celebration and happiness. Instead of speaking of finding joy in the hard times and reminding people God is there in the tough times to hold you through it.

The cramps remind me that this will not be a shout for joy and celebration most likely. In honesty the wishes that I had. The hopes. The dreams....they must not line up with the plans that God has for me.

That's right friends. I was or am...pregnant. same old story. Tests are getting lighter and cramps are beginning. This is the 11th time I have been pregnant. And it seems to get easier as I lose more weight....but that echoing question of when or if God will ever let me carry a thriving life goes through my heart.

I dreamed of a big family. At least 4 kids. I just never imagined they would be sitting in the laps of those in heaven before they got to be held in my arms. It is time to change my dreams I think. My prayers need to turn more towards God fulfilling the family we are destined to have be it from foster care, a baby born half way across the world, or another little miracle carried in my womb.

I can wish. I can hope. And I can dream. But ultimately....God is the one in control of it all. ♡

And in the mean time I will remember how blessed I am to have these two handsome men in my life. 

Matthew is now saying Cheese when you tell him to and he wants his picture taken.
Can you say adorable?

Since I have been working a lot and doing school Matthew is turning into a daddy's boy.
He is pretty darn precious to my heart.