Both kids are finally asleep. One day they will both be asleep in their own beds, that will be a glorious day. The sink is empty, all dishes clean minus a dish and fork that my husband ate dinner with. Our house has the floor vacuumed (though not upstairs, that’s a disaster! If then downstairs is clean I can try to pretend we have an ounce of our lives organized and in order). Corners and surfaces above the floor are cluttered with mess and random junk I need to go through and put away properly or toss. In all actuality I should start to recycle at least the papers at the very least but that takes organization and effort. Both of which I feel I am desperately lacking lately. My patience is short and my temper is big. I’ve felt like I’ve been running on E and cuss words lately. No joke. This girl definitely hadn’t been looking to Jesus in the way that I know I should.
This past month we were blessed with both our washer and a part on our well breaking (water stopped when I had a few meager inches of water naked in the tub. At least it wasn’t the shower all soapy but still...That was fun). Thankfully both are able to be fixed for under 350 combined. So thankful that both were simple. Oh and I figured out how to change the flusher on our toilet because that broke as well.
But the biggest thing that broke this month? My heart. Our fourteenth loss. I can’t even. I read back on my past 2 blog posts. I have decided I need to be all in for Jesus again. That’s the only way I can function with this pain that I carry in my heart. I talked to one of our providers at work. She asked if I needed to go to counseling and I told her blogging has been my therapy in the past. Blogging with the best wonderful counselor at my side. My father, my creator, my savior, and my hope for the future. The future where I get to finally one day see the beautiful babies that James and I have created but never met. My arms won’t be big enough to wrap around them all at the same time so it’s a good thing that heaven is for eternity.
I’ve been loving “The Water (Meant for me)” by I Am They lately. Here are the lyrics. They speak so much truth to my heavy heart.
This far, He has held us
Through the waters as they crash against
This far, He is with us, He is for us
Through the stormy depths
I will soar on wings like eagles
O God, You've carried me
This far, this far
There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me
This far, He has lead us
Through the darkness to the light of day
This far, He has shown us
Love and mercy and unfailing grace
When my hope is lost in the shadows
This promise, You have made
It's not far, not far
There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us
There is power, victory
Hope for the broken-hearted
Healing meant for me
There is goodness, justice
Rest for the weak and weary
Love that's meant for me
When the water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna, He's gonna save us
The water, the water, the water is crashing over
He's gonna rescue us.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Monday, March 18, 2019
Be Still
This past weekend was the women’s retreat and it wasn’t the same as years past. I brought Gabby so sleep was a little more interrupted. Less games were played. Less middle of the night chats with friends. More baby snuggles and lots more gear was brought to the retreat.
More things I had never thought I would ever experience.
I missed the first session. My normal happy daughter was suddenly struck with a spirit that made her cry over every last little thing and I was suddenly short, angry, and so over her big emotions. I almost cancelled going to the retreat. No joke. It was so hard to get around, it was so hard to pack the van. It was HARD. After taking to Jen and telling her I wish I wasn’t going essentially. I yelled at Satan and told him he wasn’t going to steal my joy. He wasn’t going to pain my little girl any longer. And most importantly he wasn’t going to stand in the way of God and what he had for me at this retreat.
Then I waited 30 minutes in the Taco Bell drive through. I thought SERIOUSLY?!? But then the small joy was I was able to have Jennifer ride from charlotte to shipshewana with me.
So day 1 wasn’t what I anticipated. We missed the session. So I looked through a friend’s notes and looked forward to day 2.
Be still. What story did Ellen use? Hannah. Oh how this story speaks to my heart. I knew it was going to be good.
A few of my favorite things Ellen said was, “An untold story never heals.” And “Diaries might have ruined us if they continue to be the only place our secrets live. It’s time to expose our secret burdens.”
Maybe this is why I loved blogging while going through infertility. Or why I love writing for others to read if they so choose. It isn’t just for me. It’s the act of freeing this internal burden that I once carried and sharing it not only with others but with our Big Mighty God.
“When you feel God hasn’t fulfilled His promises or covenant you need to fall back on what you KNOW about God.”
I remember a breaking point in my faith. When I had to decide even if God didn’t give us a take home baby I would love Him anyway. I remember after each miscarriage after Matthew again with shaky faith asking God Why? I remember in the quiet stillness of the night while singing along to music and folding laundry I was asked in my heart if I believed he was the same God that created Matthew. And if he did it once, couldn’t he do it again? So I cried out yes! And waited. By loss number 13 my husband was ready for a vasectomy if it meant less pain. I was also trying to take back the reigns from God. I cried in my car one late night coming home from work. Crying out to God about the injustice of it all. And didn’t he promise me another baby? Did I hear him wrong? So he spoke to my heart again, “Do you want to build your family, or build my kingdom?” Was me having children more important than Gods plan for His kingdom of believers? So I prayed for my womb to be closed until he was ready to give me another take home baby. Two years ago at the women’s retreat I prayed for God to reopen it. One year ago I went to the retreat with a big round belly with Miss Gabby inside. This year I had her in my lap. And new prayers flowed from my heart.
For my momma to come to Jesus. For her to sit at a women’s retreat with me and find the love that God has for her. For Gabby and I to share sweet moments at a women’s retreat when she’s older. For Gabby to not have to find God the way I found God but to know Him all the days of her life.
For Matthew to have these moments with James. And late night conversations with me as he ages about the love of God or what Gods been teaching Him in the Bible. About scripture and about life in general.
Be Still. Stop rushing and waiting for the next phase. Flourish where you are planted. God is always available, just take the time to look to Him.
“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.”
Psalms 37:3-7 NLT
More things I had never thought I would ever experience.
I missed the first session. My normal happy daughter was suddenly struck with a spirit that made her cry over every last little thing and I was suddenly short, angry, and so over her big emotions. I almost cancelled going to the retreat. No joke. It was so hard to get around, it was so hard to pack the van. It was HARD. After taking to Jen and telling her I wish I wasn’t going essentially. I yelled at Satan and told him he wasn’t going to steal my joy. He wasn’t going to pain my little girl any longer. And most importantly he wasn’t going to stand in the way of God and what he had for me at this retreat.
Then I waited 30 minutes in the Taco Bell drive through. I thought SERIOUSLY?!? But then the small joy was I was able to have Jennifer ride from charlotte to shipshewana with me.
So day 1 wasn’t what I anticipated. We missed the session. So I looked through a friend’s notes and looked forward to day 2.
Be still. What story did Ellen use? Hannah. Oh how this story speaks to my heart. I knew it was going to be good.
A few of my favorite things Ellen said was, “An untold story never heals.” And “Diaries might have ruined us if they continue to be the only place our secrets live. It’s time to expose our secret burdens.”
Maybe this is why I loved blogging while going through infertility. Or why I love writing for others to read if they so choose. It isn’t just for me. It’s the act of freeing this internal burden that I once carried and sharing it not only with others but with our Big Mighty God.
“When you feel God hasn’t fulfilled His promises or covenant you need to fall back on what you KNOW about God.”
I remember a breaking point in my faith. When I had to decide even if God didn’t give us a take home baby I would love Him anyway. I remember after each miscarriage after Matthew again with shaky faith asking God Why? I remember in the quiet stillness of the night while singing along to music and folding laundry I was asked in my heart if I believed he was the same God that created Matthew. And if he did it once, couldn’t he do it again? So I cried out yes! And waited. By loss number 13 my husband was ready for a vasectomy if it meant less pain. I was also trying to take back the reigns from God. I cried in my car one late night coming home from work. Crying out to God about the injustice of it all. And didn’t he promise me another baby? Did I hear him wrong? So he spoke to my heart again, “Do you want to build your family, or build my kingdom?” Was me having children more important than Gods plan for His kingdom of believers? So I prayed for my womb to be closed until he was ready to give me another take home baby. Two years ago at the women’s retreat I prayed for God to reopen it. One year ago I went to the retreat with a big round belly with Miss Gabby inside. This year I had her in my lap. And new prayers flowed from my heart.
For my momma to come to Jesus. For her to sit at a women’s retreat with me and find the love that God has for her. For Gabby and I to share sweet moments at a women’s retreat when she’s older. For Gabby to not have to find God the way I found God but to know Him all the days of her life.
For Matthew to have these moments with James. And late night conversations with me as he ages about the love of God or what Gods been teaching Him in the Bible. About scripture and about life in general.
Be Still. Stop rushing and waiting for the next phase. Flourish where you are planted. God is always available, just take the time to look to Him.
“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.”
Psalms 37:3-7 NLT
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