Big Brother

I'm not talking about the Big Brother watching us. Or even a happy pregnancy announcement. But rather that Big Brother T-shirt that stares at me in Matthew's closet. Some days I think about being brave and putting it on him. Because he is a Big Brother.

Not to babies here on this earth, but in heaven. This past Sunday we experienced our 12th miscarriage. I felt so empty and sad. I was supposed to work Sunday but James looked at me and told me he wished I could be by his side at church, that he felt we both needed it. So cramping and heartbroken to church we went. Finally deciding my head wouldn't have been focused enough to take care of my residents at work.

I am so tired of announcing another loss. It is exhausting.  Spending each pregnancy wishing for a happy outcome instead of a sad one. It is a roller coaster of emotions and as much as I hope and believe that my womb will experience another happy pregnancy...I hear the echoes and silent doubt pour in from others. Especially when I open up about another loss.

James and I have some tough conversations coming. How many losses will we go through before we give up hope? When we get to that point how hard will it be to close that door forever? My heart weeps thinking about that day and that choice.

The hurt, the pain,  it feels 100% worth it when I look at our sweet miracle. Loveable and adorable. When looking up things that cause recurrent pregnancy loss, or repeated implantation failure I discovered that if we indeed have autoimmune issues that flare up and cause the losses after 5 losses you have a 5% chance of a healthy pregnancy without treatment. Five Percent.

I believe Matthew was that 5%. Now what about after 12 losses? I don't even want to know the statistical number. Let alone know the number of women that have that many losses, and open their hearts up to others for each one.

I am hoping for answers and a new treatment plan. For determination to no longer have fat be part of my infertility. I don't know how much longer we will be on this path, or what our journey will continue to look like.

What I do know is that when people see and hear about our story there is no way they can NOT see the work of God. One day Matthew will be a big brother, my hope is through not only another baby in my womb but also babies grown in my heart through adoption. God is writing our story, I just have to rest in hope and believe that he has plans not to harm us but to give us hope and a future.