Bittersweet

Tonight I was pouring my heart out to God. Sorting through left over, painful scars from infertility. Wounds that I wish would heal without anymore pain.

Wounds that I wish I could forget most days. Wounds that I feel have tainted my joy for others some days. Especially when I see reflections or remember where we were 4 years ago. Facing our fifth loss with only a tiny thread of hope left. Only to have Christ sweep in and deliver this amazing little miracle to us, our goofy boy named Matthew.

You see, I want to fully rejoice with those who rejoice over having a baby instead of the painful reminder bubbling up time and time again. I desperately want Christ to remove our infertility or to remove the pain and desire to carry another baby in my womb.

And then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, "Do you want another baby more? Or would you rather build my kingdom?"

I don't know fully the meaning of it. But I do know with my heart and soul I do not want to get in the way of God. I want people to choose Him. I know our story can be part of that. But it is so darn hard to walk this path.

I am learning so many things about myself since starting this antidepressant/antianxiety medication. Feeling things I haven't allowed myself to feel in quite some time. I carry a wounded heart that only Jesus can heal. A wounded heart that he looks at and sees a masterpiece in the making. Even if I am feeling like a mess in the moment.

It's a little bittersweet to know that because of my hope in Christ it makes it possible to have hope in circumstances such as these, even when the sense of hopelessness tries to take over. It is bittersweet to know that even in my brokenness God wishes me no harm, but rather to use it for His Kingdom. Some days my heart says, "Bring it!" And other says, I want to hide and not move from my couch.

And then I hear the sweet whispers of Christ, in the midst of the darkness, crying out to me, come home. Let me tell you all that you have ever done. Let me help you walk through the tough times. Let me help you find joy and laughter once more.

And I answer, Lord I am coming. Help me walk through this. Let me see my life through your eyes.

Raw.

Lately it has been pretty chaotic and stressful here at the Hillard household. Sickness has been keeping a hold of me. Between sinus infection that would not clear up, migraines from high blood pressure, anxiety, a stomach bug, and oh did I mention high blood pressure and anxiety?

I have been struggling with sleep for a long time now, but it has culminated itself in exhaustive zombie modes brought on by insomnia. I have had nights where I literally feel so exhausted and go from area to area trying to sleep. At one point I may have lied on the couch and hit my pillow because I was so frustrated and wanted to sleep. My brain wouldn't shut off about all the anxieties of the day, or the anxieties of what the future may hold.

I am usually able to function on minimal sleep. I can usually grin and bear it. I can usually formulate words when I am exhausted without much issue. Add anxiety and a "mild" depression as termed by my physician, I feel like a slobbering mess most of the time. I cannot tell you how many times over the walkie at work I have said to my staff mid sentence, or middle of a sentence that should be forming but is not coming out correctly, "I promise, I can say words....just maybe not right now."

I literally feel stuck to my couch some days with anxieties of all the to do lists that I have to do. Not joking. I can usually fake a smile when out and about or when I am able to forget everything that is pressing in around me...but lately the couch has been glued to my glutes. And my eyes glued to a screen. Counseling may be in my future. Which causes more anxiety because of finances.

I just kind of feel numb towards life lately. I miss laughing. Like big belly laughs with snorts included. Laughter until you cry. Carefree smiles and fun times with friends. I keep trying to tell myself once you are done with school. Or once finances start to look better. Or...you get the picture. But the fact of the matter is, I have been spiritually dry lately. 

I haven't been looking to Christ to fill me with his promises. It is so easy for me to keep my eyes on my circumstances of life when I take out Godly influences such as church, small group, and MOPs. Most of it isn't by choice, it is the season I am at in life. And the fact that I have been trying to fill myself up by the things at life that may fill my physical "needs" but do nothing for spiritual growth and sustenance.

I have now been taking an antidepressant for approximately a week. Let me tell you, it is amazing to sleep. I am sure the giving up caffeine on most days and doing my best not to nap is helping amazingly, but to sleep all night long?! What an amazing feeling!! I haven't slept this well in such a long time. Possibly since before having Matthew. I am not even joking, 3 years is a long time to live life on crappy sleep.

The day I made the phone call to ask for the doctor to squeeze me in to discuss an antidepressant I almost threw up. Literally, I choked back the taste in my mouth and felt so nauseated. How did I get to that pit? Last week I felt so raw with the realization that I had let myself believe the lies of Satan. I had taken my eyes off Christ. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped actively listening to worship music. Podcasts were not played. I stopped going to group even when I was able to go. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by life. I focused on the problems or potential problems of the future instead of remembering that my feet were on the rock and keeping my eyes above the waves of life. I was like that person tossed around by the sees of life.

Even now Satan tries to whisper to my heart at times, "See you are indeed that seed that was planted on crappy soil. You cannot even grow your roots down deep enough into Christ to live victoriously. You will always be bound in my chains." Admitting that makes my heart pound harder and faster.

Christ and the Bible teach the opposite. Christ was pierced for my transgressions, all of the sin of the past, present, and future were upon Him. Through His death the chains of sin were broken. Death couldn't hold Him down. And because of God's plan, the death and life of Jesus Christ, and the presence of the Holy Spirit I can live in victory. If only I make the conscious choice to do so.