Honest, Open, Transparent (HOT)

This is going to be one of those HOT moments where, I am thankful no one is awake. The house is silent. It's just me and God. And I'm welcoming you in.

In to the messy beautiful life I call my own. The one that God has called me to  blessed me with.

The world seemed heavy today. I swear the air around me even was weighing me down. I turned to food instead of Christ. Maybe this is my confession, I don't know. I needed, wished, and craved for time with God. Instead, I got puked on by Matthew this morning and pressured this week into working on Sunday. I just wanted Jesus. And instead I got to pass pills, chat with residents and staff...and maybe be a light at my work? Maybe? It's the only thing that makes working Sunday maybe be worth it.

As we laid down in bed tonight, Matthew sleeping between us because some of his bedding from his pukey episode are dirty. Tears leaked flowed freely from my eyes. God has been whispering songs of hope to my soul this week. Speaking to me in the little daily devotional that I have been doing at inconsistent times daily this week. And I just needed time with Him. In the quiet.

Last Sunday we said good bye to another little baby. My heart broke once more. Mourning more silently than we have in quite some time. So tired of expressing more grief. More bad news to friends and family. So exhausted. Getting angry, frustrated, upset, disheartened, whatever it is you want to call it....I was there deep in grief. Wading through the emotions in the quiet.

Pressing into God in the quiet moments. Leaning on Him to carry me through these complex and overwhelming emotions and thoughts. Thinking about his majesty. His holiness, how MIGHTY He is. What a rock he has been during our struggles. And the promises found in His word.

I cannot find my prayer book, where I cry out to God on paper...so here it is. Even if it is a hot mess of emotions.

God, I am pressing into you. My soul longs for you. But so often I turn away, forgetting the path I have walked with you....until one more thing going wrong or sorrow threatens to fill up the empty space in my thoughts, heart, and soul. It seems that in sorrow your light seems the brightest. I don't run from it Lord. I know that you have great plans for me, and you don't promise for a journey that is pain free. You promise to never leave me or forsake me. You never leave me. You hold me up when I don't feel strong enough to stand. You allow tears to fall down my cheeks and you allowed even Jesus to weep. So I know that all tears are not bad. I am doing my best to be faithful, yet I feel like I fail you so many times. I run after you, but I stumble. I'm trying to get rid of everything that weighs me down....symbolically and literally. I'm turning back my focus back to doing my best to ready my body for the moment when I know that you will bless us once more, with a living thriving baby to fill my womb and our hearts. A miracle and testimony to your goodness, grace, and mercy. I might be called crazy, feel tormented like Hannah, or laughed at like Sarah....but I can hear and feel the whispers of hope calling to my soul. Even now.

That has been my cry lately. Like Martha after Lazarus had died, she said to Jesus, "Even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask." (John 11:22). Even now. Even when others are willing to give up hope. Even NOW, in the midst of our 12th loss and heartbreaking moments...I love you. And I have faith that your will will be done, and the whispers of hope that my heart hears when I pray...I know it is You saying, your babies are safe with us in heaven, your struggle will be worth it, I am mighty, and you are right...I know the desires of your heart, and your story isn't over yet.

Reading the story of Lazarus, tears fell down.

John 11:32-37 

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weepy, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  

"Where have you laid him?" he asked.
"Come and see, Lord," they replied. 

Jesus wept. 

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" 

But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind have kept this man from dying?

Jesus weeps with me. He loves my babies as much  more than I could imagine. In the early months and years into our journey, I was one of the Jews in this story asking, "If he could save HER baby, why couldn't He have kept MY baby from dying?" Now, yes....Even now, I know that Jesus is weeping with me. Just as he is whispering promises and hope into my heart and soul, placing a healing balm on my open wounds.

John 11:38-44
Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stove laid across the entrance. "Take away the stone," he said. 

"But Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "By this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days." 

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"
So They took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."  

When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

 He could have saved Lazarus, but then were would this testimony be in the Bible? He could have saved our babies. Even now, I have hope he will save one more baby. Another hope is that James and I can walk as gracefully as possible through this mess of our life so we too can be a benefit for the people looking in on our lives, and that they too will grow to know that Jesus is the one who we find our source of hope and strength.

The tears have stopped falling, sleep is calling. And I'm not going to edit this post, so hopefully there are very few errors.

Big Brother

I'm not talking about the Big Brother watching us. Or even a happy pregnancy announcement. But rather that Big Brother T-shirt that stares at me in Matthew's closet. Some days I think about being brave and putting it on him. Because he is a Big Brother.

Not to babies here on this earth, but in heaven. This past Sunday we experienced our 12th miscarriage. I felt so empty and sad. I was supposed to work Sunday but James looked at me and told me he wished I could be by his side at church, that he felt we both needed it. So cramping and heartbroken to church we went. Finally deciding my head wouldn't have been focused enough to take care of my residents at work.

I am so tired of announcing another loss. It is exhausting.  Spending each pregnancy wishing for a happy outcome instead of a sad one. It is a roller coaster of emotions and as much as I hope and believe that my womb will experience another happy pregnancy...I hear the echoes and silent doubt pour in from others. Especially when I open up about another loss.

James and I have some tough conversations coming. How many losses will we go through before we give up hope? When we get to that point how hard will it be to close that door forever? My heart weeps thinking about that day and that choice.

The hurt, the pain,  it feels 100% worth it when I look at our sweet miracle. Loveable and adorable. When looking up things that cause recurrent pregnancy loss, or repeated implantation failure I discovered that if we indeed have autoimmune issues that flare up and cause the losses after 5 losses you have a 5% chance of a healthy pregnancy without treatment. Five Percent.

I believe Matthew was that 5%. Now what about after 12 losses? I don't even want to know the statistical number. Let alone know the number of women that have that many losses, and open their hearts up to others for each one.

I am hoping for answers and a new treatment plan. For determination to no longer have fat be part of my infertility. I don't know how much longer we will be on this path, or what our journey will continue to look like.

What I do know is that when people see and hear about our story there is no way they can NOT see the work of God. One day Matthew will be a big brother, my hope is through not only another baby in my womb but also babies grown in my heart through adoption. God is writing our story, I just have to rest in hope and believe that he has plans not to harm us but to give us hope and a future.