We All Fall Short

We all fail. We all fall down. We all fall short, desperately short, from deserving God's mercy and blessings.

But that is the great thing about our God. He sent His son Jesus to bridge that gap. Allowed Him to die on the cross to make up for where we are weak. Where the sin is blackening our lives. Even though we don't deserve it, God's love and mercy is there waiting for us to acknowledge it.

As Christian's, especially young christians, you tend to believe following Christ is all rainbows and butterflies. Love, mercy, and blessings. God is love, afterall. Then life happens. A muffler falls off your car. Or you fail a class. Or maybe you simply have a really cruddy day. And you feel the Son's light shining a little less. You face miscarriage after miscarriage, and bitterness creaps into your heart. As you wonder why us? Why me God? Can't ONE thing in my life go EASY for ONCE?!

Then there is Job.

He lost his children. His herds and flocks. And His wife doesn't stand behind him. His health falters. But never his faith. Never once does he curse God. Not once does he lose his sight on God.

I got told one day by a dear friend that in the midst of the craziness of our infertility I was like a female version of Job. And while I wish I could own that, it hasn't been true. Because I did question my faith. I was so bitter. Angry. I fell short.

The same week I got told by another friend that I was one that life couldn't ruin. And it made me cry. Because some times I do feel so flawed. So broken. But also I feel blessed to be the woman God has helped shape me to be. So thankful that during my childhood he was there even before I knew him. That he protected me when I denied his existance.

Because friends...I can tell you in my life just as God was there protecting me I have no doubt that Satan's armys were right there trying to deconstruct the foundations of what Christ had built in me.

I hear songs like "Beauty from Pain" by Barlow Girl, or "Waiting Room" by Johny Dias, or "Waiting Here for You" and it brings me back to the pain I felt as I poured my heart out to God during the midst of our loses. And it reminds me of not only how short I truly fall most of the times. But also how blessed we are to go through those struggles. That God saw us fit enough to wade through those dark times and know that we would still choose him.

I bought a book by Roy Lessin on my walk to Emmaus, titled Today is Your Best Day. I love this quote.

"You may be going through a very difficult time today, but that does not mean this is your worst day. God will use the difficulty to produce precious things within you that you will treasure in days to come. There may be pressures in your day, but God uses pressure to form diamonds. There may be a fiery trial in your day, but God uses fire to purify gold. There may an irritant in your day, but God uses irritants to create pearls. If you are in need of comfort today, God will bring His comfort to you, and the comfort you receive will help you comfort someone tomorrow."

The pressures in our lives created a diamond, his name is Matthew.
The fiery trials in our lives created a purification, of our hearts towards God and each other.
The irritants in our lives created pearls, called true intimacy.
The comforts we have received from God, have been used already to comfort others. As I am sure they will continue.

And we are so blessed. Not by this world's standards. But by God's. And we all know this world falls desperately short of the glory of God.

Blessings in this Life.

Where to start? My last post was in April. Oiy! Slacker lady, I know!

School is going surprisingly well, and I can promise you that is all God because I haven't put in as much work as I know I should be, but I use a little common sense with the knowledge from class and have been doing well thus far. I think it is because the medical field is where I truly belong.

James is dreaming big dreams when it comes to his career choices, that I am excited to one day come to fruition. Dreams that would (and will) seem crazy to many people.

Matthew is now 7 months old. He weighs a whopping 25lbs 12.5oz, and is somewhere around 27 inches tall. He said "Mama" the other night, while looking at James (not me, unfair) but when I said Mama to him again he repeated it. So adorable. He has started rocking on his hands and knees and loves standing up to play. He is quite clingy, and a total cuddle bug. He still isn't sleeping through the night. But his smile could melt the coldest heart, and his giggle could turn a grey sky blue. He is worth every hard moment we had to endure to get to him, and every hard moment since he entered our lives.

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

 perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, 

because God has poured out His love into our hearts."

Romans 5:3-5 NIV

James and I had decided during our pregnancy with Matthew that we weren't going to actively prevent or try to conceive after Matthew entered our lives. We were going to leave it completely up to God. Because all the trying in the world didn't make the 2 years easier, or the 5 loses hurt more or less. Call us crazy, but we both would like to have four children. A big family. We have big hopes for my half of uterus and single fallopian tube. 

My cycles hadn't even returned postpartum when on father's day I decided to do my random once a month test. I walked away and assumed it to be negative. Until much later when I saw a dark positive starting up at me. I think I almost puked. haha. I am ashamed to admit I wasn't exactly super excited. James on the other hand? You should have seen the smile on his face! 

And while you probably are aware from facebook, now two and a half weeks later we are in the midst of loss #6, this time an ectopic pregnancy. If anything this has made me realize how much I truly do want Matthew to be a big brother to a sibling here on earth. Instead of a little brother to babies in heaven, and a big brother to this little baby in heaven. It has also brought me close to God again. I hate to say it this way, but this loss has been a blessing to my heart. Because God is what is most important and I had allowed myself to drift away from him. Silly woman, I know.

People often say to me, "You had such a hard time, aren't you done with one?" The answer? Nope. Matthew is worth every heartache, every tear, every aching moment in my heart and soul as we mourned the loss of a baby after another baby. We have hope. And now, we have Matthew which has made this loss much easier than the others in the past. Because we now know what it is like to finally reach the other side of the rainbow. What it is like to finally snuggle your baby, and be seen as a Mommy and Daddy. And all I can do some days is look at him and thank God for this experience. AND squeeze him tight and not want to let him go.

"There is surely a future hope for you,

and your hope will not be cut off."

Proverbs 23:18

With taking methotrexate to help this pregnancy "resolve" for lack of better words (oh boy when the sadness hit, I truly did cry to the thought of taking a medication, again, to help my body get rid of a baby) it caused me to stop nursing for 3 long days, and the 4th day I did pump and dump after nursing him throughout the night. It also has me not taking folic acid or prenatals until my hcg reaches 0. AND comes with instructions to prevent for 1-2 cycles afterwards. Prevent? We haven't prevented since that first year we were married. It is going to be quite interesting. 

But we haven't lost hope! Doubt still whispers into my ear at times, "What if you have to go through five losses again before a baby makes your family turn into a family of 4?" "What if this ectopic has closed your fallopian tube?" "What if...." "What if..." But guess what, I have a BIG God. And he worked a miracle in Matthew and he can do it again, and again, and again....how ever many times he chooses. And those thoughts quiet down those thoughts.

"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are --

no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners

of everything that can't be bought."

Matthew 5:5 The Message

If God chooses to not bless us with another healthy pregnancy, we will be okay. Because we know that God plans for us to go through the process of adoption too. And we look forward to the point in our lives that we are actively going towards that goal as well. Bring on a different set of challenges, different set of heartaches, and a whole 'nother set of blessings that come along with it all.

We are so incredibly blessed.

And so thankful that for the journey that God has created just for us to walk.