I have started this post in various formats so many different times. It is a hard post to write, but something I think about quite often.
Pregnancy after infertility and loss brings SO much joy. It bring happiness and feelings of dreams coming true.
But it also brings pain, sadness for those still going through the dark valley, fear, and guilt.
Pain - This pregnancy reminds me of babies that shouldn't have been lead into heaven as soon as they were. Babies that only knew this earth through my womb, all for less than 2 months.
Sadness - Because I can remember the gut wrenching feeling experienced month after month, loss after loss. I remember the feelings of seeing Baby Gaga updates on facebook, seeing
another pregnancy announcement, hearing complaints about pregnancy, seeing newborn pictures, and taking another pregnancy test in hopes of
this being the month only to see one line. Of what it is like when people do not take the time to understand how infertility and loss effects a couple. The mother that is now a mother not here on earth, but to babies in heaven. I cannot explain the despair and grief that hearing you have lost a child causes a woman. Especially after trying for months and months, year after year.
Fear - Pregnancy after loss makes more moments of fear. The whole first trimester, and even now, when going to the bathroom I check the toilet paper to make sure there isn't any sign of spotting. Sad really, but the truth. Each ultrasound isn't filled entirely with excitement. It is filled with worry and anxiety of maybe today will be the day we learn this baby didn't make it. The second trimester is the same. Because going through infertility and loss you realize that pregnancy doesn't just happen, it isn't "in the water", sometimes "accidents" don't just happen, and most of all you face the facts that pregnancy does not always equal a living breathing healthy baby in your arms. Fear. Fear of a late loss. Of umbilical cord accidents. Of placental problems. Of intrauterine growth problems due to my uterus size. No joke. Fear when not feeling the baby move on a somewhat regular basis. All you can do is pray, rely on God, and hope that your fear has been a waste of time and energy.
Guilt - guilt for posting things on facebook. For being pregnant when so many others are still trying, especially since this pregnancy was natural when so many have went through IVF, IUI, and years of trying. For not enjoying every aspect as I had anticipated because throwing up simply isn't fun, because there is indeed this awkward stage where you don't look pregnant all the time, where you just feel fat. Especially when you have struggled with body image your entire life. Guilt for thinking those things, for wanting to complain because you know you are blessed to even have the pregnancy to complain about symptoms it causes. Guilt because you know that while experiencing these things, posting about them, you could be causing so many women the pain you used to feel.
What I am trying to say is, infertility and loss doesn't just change a woman or a couple for the time that they are trying. It is for life. You are changed. Forever.
I still get that little pit in my stomach at times hearing women are pregnant and have to remind myself, I am pregnant. I still get sad when I think of my babies, and I always will, but it does give me peace when I remind myself I will get to meet them in heaven.
It isn't just the wife that is changed. The husband is changed as well. James is changed. He has always been the strong hold, he was the one that held me when I cried. He sat there with me at each ultrasound, at the ultrasound we got the bad news our little one didn't make it. To have him sit there and watch the screen in anticipation. To watch his face when there is still a heartbeat. It is like a huge sigh of relief. He has been quite reserved, because we know that happy endings don't always happen. One of the last ultrasounds he looked at me with such joy and said, "Babe, the baby is GROWING!!" Which wasn't news to me because I can feel my body changing, but to hear it come out of his lips brought so much joy. He is a proud daddy already, even if he is scared for the future like I am. To watch him show off ultrasounds. To occasionally hear him say we need to paint the nursery. To hear him talk about baby names...All things are things we both wondered if it would ever happen. Before this James was at the point where he would be okay if we didn't have a biological child together because he saw the pain physically and emotionally that it caused me. Now, experiencing pregnancy together... I often wonder what it would be like to have him go through this without the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
What it would be like for me, to not know the pain and sadness, for us as a couple.
But those are fleeting moments. Because I wouldn't change the path God has put us on. We have made great connections with friends, we are not afraid to be there for people in pain, we have faced things together as a couple that are a bad nightmare to other couples, and we are thriving together. I have been changed, yes, but I truly believe it is for the better.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future."
I have clung to hope when it was so dark I wasn't sure what would be ahead of me, would I stumble? Would I walk face first into a wall? Fall flat on my face? I clung to God. I cried out to him when I was angry and refused to talk to him at times. I have learned SO much.
And I truly believe that experiencing pregnancy (and having faith that motherhood will be included as well) after infertility will help me learn much more.
Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me up out of my pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
