Things have not been rainbows and butterflies in the Hillard household lately. Things have been tough.
Times has been filled with me totaling out good vehicle (that was one way to get out from that debt I suppose...bright side? UGH), feeling like a failure at being able to lead a small group, dying appliances...and basically walking away from God. A couple of weeks ago I realized it had been a month since I had last read my Bible somewhat regularly. I felt like weeping, but still am struggling to change it.
God has been trying to woo me back to him. I was listening to a podcast from Impact Church in Lowell and it was on Ester. It was like God was speaking to my heart. In the story Jews are about to face a huge persecution from the King's right hand man. Ester is the King's wife. And she has never told him that she was a Jew! Talk about little talking before marriage! The man that had raised her growing up petitions her to talk to the King, break tradition and come before him and ask him to save them!
I felt like it was God saying to me. If you keep quiet at such a time as this, regardless of what is going on in your life, those in your life that aren't saved I will find a way to reach them, those that are hurting that you know? someone else will help them find relief. But what about your family? What about you friends? What if they die without knowing Christ? I made you for such a time as this, you are to grow where you are planted. Keep your eyes on me.
August 12th God tried to speak to me once more, wooing me closer to him. Making me ache for time with him. I posted on facebook what I heard him say to me,
"You don't need to stay in the dry valley. Especially as long as you build your camp up in false comfort. You are meant to stand on me as your strong foundation. To rise on my wings like eagles, and to run without growing weary. Stop trying to face this world on your own strength. I know it is tough. But seek me first. Choose joy in the midst of it all. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to face these struggles without us on your side. Stop believing I don't know and don't care about what is going on in your life. Stop picking the burdens back up that you once laid at our feet. While you are weak, I am strong. So pack up your camp and let's get moving. I have bigger plans for you than this dry valley. It's time to bring your dry bones to life. ~ God."
But still I didn't take the time. We even saw prayers answered in receiving a used fridge for free. My little 2.5 year old son asks during prayer time to pray for the church, and doesn't settle when we just pray for Kilpatrick. He will repeat church again, and we pray for the community. When I ask him one more time what we should pray for he will again say the church until I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to move in the United States and in nations around the world that face persecution for their belief. Then he goes back to his routine of praying for Daddy, the gym, and various other people intermittently. Even talking about this makes my heart almost skip a beat and Godbumps to form. This little boy has been covered in so many prayers for him to help be a light in this world, and I in the same fear that I have towards God see the work that could be in effect from those prayers to God.
But still I haven't made it a priority to seek God First. I have been praying on and off the past couple of days for God to return to being my first love. To seek first the Kingdom of God. But still haven't made the time to read my Bible daily. I feel guilty devouring the Left Behind Series once more when I should be looking forward to reading the Bible as eagerly as I have been listening to these stories.
This weekend is the Engage conference at Kilpatrick. I looked forward to it expectantly. And I have not been disappointed. The answer has been here all along. We have been disobedient. We haven't tithed 10% consistently since before Matthew was born, and regular tithing has been as sparse as grass in the desert. If you are not obedient to God, how can the Holy Spirit dwell in you consistently?
