Blessed.

Today I was blessed to speak at MOPS about our journey and testimony through infertility, loss, and Matthew. It made me reflect and brought me back to the trenches of those two years. The moments of bitterness, heartache, and hope all flooded back to me through my old blog entries and memories that washed up in the tides of emotion. It made me think of those that prayed with us and for us, clinging to hope and God's goodness. It reminded me of a couple that sent us flowers once. And of the many women that I met along the way that helped me to feel less crazy and less alone.

During those two years I wondered if I was crazy for hoping and believing I would be a Mommy to a baby here on this Earth. I felt like the Israelites wandering and grumbling in the desert. Like Hannah drunkenly praying for a miracle. I hoped and believed that God would give me the desires of my heart even as James started to lose hope, even when family started making statements like, "IF you have kids..." (instead of when, like I believed).

Today, if you are walking through the trenches of infertility...I pray that you know you are not alone in this battle of hope and despair that washes over you month after month. I plead with you to not walk it alone, reach out to women who will understand and hold your precious heart with delicate care. Reach out to someone that will say, "I get it!" and really get it. Send me a text, give me a call, ask me to have coffee with you. I have ears that will listen.

I wanted to share this little nugget from an entry that fully made me aware of how on fire I was for God after my walk down Bitterness Lane and Hateful Avenue.

November 2011

Everything will work out for good according to God's will. Be it adoption, natural pregnancy, or ART. I can allow myself to have a divide placed between me and God, or I can focus on the future in fervent prayer. I am going to start praying for my future children. I do not know how they will come to us, but I do know they will be immensely loved, cared for, and blessed.  Through prayer I am hoping my focus on infertility will lessen as I grow deeper in love with Christ. I will focus on the blessings I have, and those I can bestow upon my children when he chooses to give them to us. 

This battle will never be over. But God will forever have my heart. HE will work things out, even when I think I am trying to work them out for Him. The scripture "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I am thankful that God has the future planned out. That everything will work out for good. I can sit here and let worry and doubt cloud my future, or I can pray for clarity in my decisions. I can face the battle with God by my side. Clothed in God's best for me. 

I am still thankful that God has the future planned out, and that he works everything for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). My good may never look like your good. I will never know a life that doesn't have loss and multiple miscarriages, but you may also never know life in heaven with 10 new faces looking up at you and calling you Mom! I am blessed. My cup is overflowing. Even though in this world it doesn't make sense.