More and MORE Real each Day (Photo Heavy)

Sunday my sisters, Stacey & Missy, and my best friend Jenny went with me to register for our little man.

First we registered at BabysRUs, then we headed over to Target.

It was SO much fun, and made me realize how quickly our little one will be here. 

I tried to be realistic when registering, and at first selected clothing...but once I got home took them off.

Because honestly, people are going to buy clothes whether I register or not.

Because baby clothes are stinking ADORABLE!!

AND I have no problem with hand me downs for clothing.

We did begin painting the nursery today though, thanks to my Mom! :-) 

I still need to pick up a bit more in there.

But it can wait, until we are mostly done painting,

 because I want to steam clean it before setting up our crib

And want painting to be done before then!

Beginning of painting the Nursery! Needs 1 or 2 more coats of yellow!
Below the window to the left will be the baby's crib,
Still undecided where dresser/changer and glider will go.
Would also like to add a shelf/bench for baby books and such.

Corner of nursery.

Our very lucky baby's closet! Big and spacious

I bought 2 onesies the same night of gender reveal
This is one of them

And this is the other one :-)

I think my sister bought this one...
sadly, I didn't remember it when I opened the closet today!
And got super excited and happy!

And this is on the butt of the pants

I want to do something like this in the bottom of the closet I think
I found it on Pinterest, but you can see it here,
Unless we do not get a dresser, then there may be some Sterilite drawer units

Moving around the room from closet

Continued moving around the room..

This is going to go on the wall between door to this corner,
thinking about getting sleeping monkey flipped so he can go on branch where hanging one is at
going to have to make a cut in the tree so it can fit above and below chair rail
And may get the branch and that hanging monkey reversed as well.
So the dresser/changer  can be away from the door
 yet, be in between the tree and branch closer to the wall!
Found it here on etsy.

Instead of the leaves on the tree above,
I am thinking these alphabet leaves!!
Cute, no?
Again found on etsy, here

I also plan on getting the elephant, lion, zebra, and possibly tuffs of grass.
Found here on etsy.

Not very good on lighting (at all!), so it doesn't give the colors justice...but these are the colors
A little unsure of the green, but going to wait until we have a bigger space painted ..
and then decide.
I bought the cans of paint back when we moved in,
because I was SURE we would be pregnant again, soon with a sticky baby.
Wrong. So now popping the lids off those cans of paint feels AMAZING.
There will be a dark brown chair rail that will match the color of door and trim in room.
Also debating about a very very light blue colored ceiling and inside of closet.
My sister Stacey suggested it, and I think it might be a go...we shall see...

My co-worker Nichole bought this fabric to make curtains for the room.
The monkey print is for valances, and the brown for curtains.
Super cute, this validated thought of putting light blue, but still undecided

I thought I had decided on a crib, but I have been true to who I am
And become undecided. lol
This one is Summer Infant's Brayden. 4-1
It was set up at BabysRUs and it was SO solid!
It's price is $299, but regardless of crib I plan on buying it when they are 20% off on site
and loading VIB card so I can get an additional 10% off essentially because it would be added to the card.
Making it 30% off!! Pretty AWESOME if you ask me!
Making us pay around $220 with tax.

Then we are planning on getting the dresser/changer pictured on left.
Again, quite solid and just what I was looking for, something that can grow with the child!
And not be only used for a changing table.
This is 399. And will follow same plan as above.
Bringing our cost down to around $300 with tax.
We might see about buying a dresser from a furniture store, but we shall see!

This crib is DaVinci's Kalani's 4-1...the one that I had decided upon
Pros of this one is it comes with the toddler rail,
I can order the conversion kit right online for full sized,
and it is about $50 cheaper than the one above.
Cons are I do not get to see it set up to see sturdiness and such.
I truly walked into babysRus planning on NOT picking one off the floor because I liked this one so much
But I was wrong...and now am left undecided.

I am still undecided on baby monitor.
Part of me wants to go for AngelCare monitor that has movement with it.
Only because I truly know how precious life is, and my cousin died of SIDs at 23 days old.
When I was in 5th grade, and I can still remember clear as day going to her funeral.
Heartbreaking.

BUT I also know, the regardless of type of monitor God is in control.
If I go for this one, with my mom working at walmart she could purchase it 10% off their price
Making the one with one monitor about $80.
Same with the jogger I want, cheaper at walmart, can get her discount.
I am all about saving money!!
I even made a registry at Walmart just so she could look at it and see the exact items I wanted :-)
So if anyone wanted to get together with my mom if planning on getting one of the items,
you could save some money!!

If you look at my registry and see that I am missing something or have registered for something you deem completely necessary PLEASE let me know!
I do not want to have people spend money on things that end up being useless.

Tomorrow is my next ultrasound, quite excited to see our little man.
Hoping to get quite a few more pictures.
Especially ones that include the profile, and face!
Hopefully the little buddy is still head down,
but not SO low that we cannot get the measurements and pictures still needed.
Tomorrow I will be 22w6d (which means picture day!)

Gender Reveal (Photo Heavy)

I wrote this the night of our party, but forgot to click publish...woops!

I am tired and getting ready for bed but here are some of the pictures...

Pink Lemonade! Loved the lights on bottom :-)

Blue punch I found on pinterest (1 thing of Hawaiian punch, 1 2L of vernors, 1 thing of white grape juice and 1 container of pineapple sherbert)

Our cake Meyer Bakery came up with the quote himself!!

Decorations

Cake table. Notice the butterflies on boxes...these were the money boxes for voting.
Votes went in glass jars with flowers on top.
Totals were 50 pink, 30 blue.
We were wrong, James and I included. This baby will be the first Hillard boy from a male in the family.
Also, see the chocolate cupcakes? They were AMAZING! Chocolate cupcake, with cream filling, and chocolate frosting.
WAY more delicious than the cake if I do say so myself, too bad they couldn't color the cream on the inside!

By the votes...Old Wives Tales & Voting Rules

Side view of cake after served to guests
Marble Cake with Butter Cream middle

Happy Daddy and Mommy! Hubby is excited and in disbelief that he is going to have a son.
And I am feeling a bit unprepared. Thankful for nephew and day care kids that allowed me to practice on them!
I know little girls better than little boys!

Punch went fast. Good day.
The End.

Party Details & Bump Photos

Sorry I have been SO busy lately, lots has been going on. I had that week where I was having some major braxton hicks at work. Topped with my cervix shortening a tad...but then lengthening back up to an amazing 5.1 when I went in to make sure it wasn't shortening more with the braxton hicks (which by the way the doctor said it was good for keeping baby in, but I needed to remember to pray for it to shorten in due time as well). The doctor also gave me hope for a natural pregnancy. She said the women that she has worked with with unicornuate uterus (UU), their babies were breach at 19 weeks and ended up having c-sections due to this. Currently our little one is head down and SO low.

How low? SO low that they cannnot get a good picture of the head or profile. How crazy is that? And that is even with a transvaginal ultrasound. I did get the update at our anatomy scan that they will be doing ultrasounds at every  appointment to watch for cervical length AND growth of the baby. There can be issues with fetal growth in women with UU. I kind of wish the doctors would get on the same page on this one, some have told me no more u/s at 24 weeks, one other said 28, and this last one said every time. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens. Regardless, I am not really complaining about all the extra peeks into our baby's world. Even if it is because we are considered high risk. I am currently 21w1d and a little less than 3 weeks from viability!! Which is a pretty big sigh of relief.

At the anatomy scan, we had the ultrasound tech turn the screen when looking for baby's gender. And had her write it in an envelope, and put a picture of the gender in a manilla envelope. Baby was measuring 3 days ahead of date set from first ultrasound, which had me due at 12/19. But they kept my due date according to last period, making me due 12/17. So baby is growing ahead of both! Baby was measuring 11oz (which was ahead of schedule of "normal" as well), head down, and feeling quite lazy after being busy that morning from the caffeine I had drank. My sisters Missy and Stacey were with James and me at the appointment, and were quite excited to see the baby. 

We got these cute little pictures....

And most importantly this is envelope that will help us know what the baby is going to be...

The gender reveal is August 11th, this Saturday!! Only 2 days away!! Current guest list for party is at 37 people. With an additional possible 8 or so more people coming. 

I ordered the half a sheet cake today, it serves 48. I am contemplating adding on a dozen cupcakes as well. The sheet cake is going to be marble with colored butter cream frosting in middle, covered in whipped cream frosting. Decorated in pink and blue polka dots and question marks. Still working on the wording for it...
And if I order cupcakes they will be chocolate, with chocolate frosting. With colored cream filling. (Doesn't that sound DELICIOUS!!) 

Anyways...here are the bump photos! I will give you the comparisons :-)

I also wanted to share my amazing idea (ok kind of stolen a little bit from pinterest) for our gender party.

I am purchasing a book, and I am going to have guests sign the front inside cover, with room on the back page as well. On the back cover I am going to write the baby a letter about my feelings that morning and the journey thus far.

Here is the book I purchased... 

You can purchase the book HERE

And if you go to above link you can also look at a few of the inside pages of the book.

It brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. I can remember first reading it. I was post second miscarriage, working at the day care. And a little kid asked me to read it to them. Holding back tears I choked out the beginning of the story....

"Good night, sweet child," Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in.
But Little Cub wasn't quite ready to go to sleep.
"Mama, where did I come from?" she asked.
"From God," her mother answered. "Your papa and I were alone, and we wanted a baby."
"And you got me?" Little Cub asked, her voice muffled by the covers.
"Yes, my special child. God gave us you."

Does that not rip at your heart strings? Because it certainly does mine.

Because it is the truth.

 Loss after Loss God gave us the experience with THIS special child to be ours to love. 

To feel the little kicks, to watch my belly grow, to know that there is life inside of me growing healthy and strong.

If you are going through the dark road of infertility still, I wish God will fill your heart with joy as much as he has mine. And that one day, all of us will have little ones snuggled in our laps that we can read this book to, and know that it holds more meaning to us than other woman may ever know.

Because the road to a baby isn't always easy. It isn't always carefree.

Babies don't always come by accident. 

Some of us have to try. And pray. And beg God to answer our prayers.

Some of us have to endure loss after loss.

Some of us spend gobs of money for the hope of having a little one of our own.

Some of us have our faith  and relationships stretched to their limits in the journey of waiting for a baby.

We learn storks aren't real. It isn't in the water. And relaxing doesn't always help.

To those of you still on this path, I pray hope stays in your heart. That you are able to lean on God.

And that those of us that know your pain and suffering do not forget and in turn hurt you.

I am beyond excited to one day read this book to our child, to know if we are having a daughter or a son, and enjoy some delicious cake on Saturday!! :-) For now I need to get cleaning last minute stuff for our party. Busy, busy day!

♥ 

Pregnancy Bump Photos

I thought I would post all of the comparison ones I have thus far...it truly is amazing to see your body change.

Soon I may start weekly updates on the pregnancy. I have been quite lax on posting lately and hope to get better at it.

I can feel my belly every day, but pending what I wear, and if I am fully focused on tightening my core...it isn't always so obvious. It is those days it makes me feel f-a-t and not pregnant. Especially when people stare at me in scrubs or in clothes that don't show my belly as much and say things like, "soon you will pop" 

Which, I am not going to lie makes me want my belly to be fully big and round. But I can say, it already is getting in the way at times. And those moments bring a smile in my heart. Even if it is an inconvenience at times.

1 more week til our anatomy scan.
2 more weeks to half way through this pregnancy!
4 weeks until we have our gender reveal party!
6 more weeks til viability!!!! <<<Which will be SUCH a huge milestone!!
22 more weeks until this little one's due date....ahhh!

P.S. I am now 18w2d :-) Unbelievable!

Pregnancy After Infertility

I have started this post in various formats so many different times. It is a hard post to write, but something I think about quite often.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss brings SO much joy. It bring happiness and feelings of dreams coming true.

But it also brings pain, sadness for those still going through the dark valley, fear, and guilt.

Pain - This pregnancy reminds me of babies that shouldn't have been lead into heaven as soon as they were. Babies that only knew this earth through my womb, all for less than 2 months.

Sadness - Because I can remember the gut wrenching feeling experienced month after month, loss after loss. I remember the feelings of seeing Baby Gaga updates on facebook, seeing another pregnancy announcement, hearing complaints about pregnancy, seeing newborn pictures, and taking another pregnancy test in hopes of this being the month only to see one line. Of what it is like when people do not take the time to understand how infertility and loss effects a couple. The mother that is now a mother not here on earth, but to babies in heaven. I cannot explain the despair and grief that hearing you have lost a child causes a woman. Especially after trying for months and months, year after year.

Fear - Pregnancy after loss makes more moments of fear. The whole first trimester, and even now, when going to the bathroom I check the toilet paper to make sure there isn't any sign of spotting. Sad really, but the truth. Each ultrasound isn't filled entirely with excitement. It is filled with worry and anxiety of maybe today will be the day we learn this baby didn't make it. The second trimester is the same. Because going through infertility and loss you realize that pregnancy doesn't just happen, it isn't "in the water", sometimes "accidents" don't just happen, and most of all you face the facts that pregnancy does not always equal a living breathing healthy baby in your arms. Fear. Fear of a late loss. Of umbilical cord accidents. Of placental problems. Of intrauterine growth problems due to my uterus size. No joke. Fear when not feeling the baby move on a somewhat regular basis. All you can do is pray, rely on God, and hope that your fear has been a waste of time and energy.

Guilt - guilt for posting things on facebook. For being pregnant when so many others are still trying, especially since this pregnancy was natural when so many have went through IVF, IUI, and years of trying. For not enjoying every aspect as I had anticipated because throwing up simply isn't fun, because there is indeed this awkward stage where you don't look pregnant all the time, where you just feel fat. Especially when you have struggled with body image your entire life. Guilt for thinking those things, for wanting to complain because you know you are blessed to even have the pregnancy to complain about symptoms it causes. Guilt because you know that while experiencing these things, posting about them, you could be causing so many women the pain you used to feel.

What I am trying to say is, infertility and loss doesn't just change a woman or a couple for the time that they are trying. It is for life. You are changed. Forever.

I still get that little pit in my stomach at times hearing women are pregnant and have to remind myself, I am pregnant. I still get sad when I think of my babies, and I always will, but it does give me peace when I remind myself I will get to meet them in heaven.

It isn't just the wife that is changed. The husband is changed as well. James is changed. He has always been the strong hold, he was the one that held me when I cried. He sat there with me at each ultrasound, at the ultrasound we got the bad news our little one didn't make it. To have him sit there and watch the screen in anticipation. To watch his face when there is still a heartbeat. It is like a huge sigh of relief. He has been quite reserved, because we know that happy endings don't always happen. One of the last ultrasounds he looked at me with such joy and said, "Babe, the baby is GROWING!!" Which wasn't news to me because I can feel my body changing, but to hear it come out of his lips brought so much joy. He is a proud daddy already, even if he is scared for the future like I am. To watch him show off ultrasounds. To occasionally hear him say we need to paint the nursery. To hear him talk about baby names...All things are things we both wondered if it would ever happen. Before this James was at the point where he would be okay if we didn't have a biological child together because he saw the pain physically and emotionally that it caused me. Now, experiencing pregnancy together... I often wonder what it would be like to have him go through this without the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What it would be like for me, to not know the pain and sadness, for us as a couple.

But those are fleeting moments. Because I wouldn't change the path God has put us on. We have made great connections with friends, we are not afraid to be there for people in pain, we have faced things together as a couple that are a bad nightmare to other couples, and we are thriving together. I have been changed, yes, but I truly believe it is for the better.

Jeremiah 29:11 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, 

plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future."

I have clung to hope when it was so dark I wasn't sure what would be ahead of me, would I stumble? Would I walk face first into a wall? Fall flat on my face? I clung to God. I cried out to him when I was angry and refused to talk to him at times. I have learned SO much.

And I truly believe that experiencing pregnancy (and having faith that motherhood will be included as well) after infertility will help me learn much more.

Psalm 40:1-3

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me up out of my pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. 

They will put their trust in the Lord."

Long Time No Post

Has it really been two months since my last post? That is crazy! Life has been super busy, but pretty wonderful. Just as the past two months have flown by I have a feeling this summer is going to zip past.

If you are curious about Michael, we are done done with him in the house, but we do need to pack up his stuff soon and get it to his Mom's house. The sentenced him to 150 days in jail total, and once out he will be off from probation. Quite crazy to think about....it isn't what I would have chose for him, but if it were up to me...I wouldn't have allowed the lifestyle he lived to get him there in the first place.

Sunday, June 3rd my newest little niece Lynzey was born. She is such a beautiful little cuddle bug. During the week, James and I brought over McDonald's for lunch and got to spend a few hours with Booger, Jess, and the girls. It was a fantastic day. I absolutely love spending time with them and playing with the girls. Sadly, we don't make the time to visit often enough. In return, sometimes it take a bit for the girls to warm up to us, I really hope to change that in the future.

The next day Gaugers came to spend the night when Laura and Joe went to a Tigers game. Because I worked the night before Stacey and JoAnna spent the night before so I could catch a little bit of shut eye. Gauge had fun playing with JoAnna in the sprinkler, and of course there were Disney movies to be watched :-). We exposed Gauge to the Aristocats, after refusing to wanting to watch it. As soon as it was over he asked, "Can I watch the cat movie again?" Trying to expand his taste for movies beyond The Jungle Book and Cars!

Friday night the Hillard side had a bonfire. All of us kids minus Scottie were there. I love watching the girls all play together. Molli, Audrey, and Graysi are SO cute together. Add Gauge to the mix, and it is a ball full of craziness! I cannot imagine what the future holds for all the family get togethers as more cousins are added to the family.

Saturday was Jennifer's bachelorette party. Lets just say it was a BLAST! I was a DD, and discovered it can be fun to be completely sober and be silly because you fit right in with everyone else! haha Sunday, after sleeping in, we spent the day at the lake. It was so relaxing, and I got some color (not much, but some!). We swam, ate left overs from the bachelorette party, and just hung out in the sun.

Coming up June is going to be so BUSY. More on that later!

I was crazy and agreed to work first shift tomorrow, so bedtime needs to happen soon. Which is kind of hard for a third shifter....

Life Happenings as of Lately

(I wrote this last week Wednesday but never posted it!)

This week I have been sick. My allergies have definitely been kicking my butt. Last week Sunday after the 5k I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I was shivering and James let me know I was burning up when I woke him up and he yelled, "You are an oven!" So I got up, fulmbled around as quietly as I could in the dark trying not to wake up Laura, Joe, or Gauge. I found a thermometer and some medicine. Showered and managed to get back to sleep.

That was the beginning. Tuesday I still wasnt feeling any better so I missed class and went to urgent care. The strep test came back negative but it looked like strep so Dr. Treated as such. Thursday STILL not better, my allergies kicked in. Que trip to family Dr. And new prescription for a nasal allergy med. I have had little or no voice for over a week now. I am so ready to be back to normal.

In the midst of all of my sick week I counted calories still, even when Girl Scout Cookies came in and I overindulged. The good news? Today, Weigh in Wednesday...I lost weight still!

I have 1.8lbs to go until I am no longer obese. I will be in the overweight category with the goal of one day this year being in the "normal" range. I am excited and pationate about making my life better.

This is the year of change. Allowing things to finally come to pass that I have put excuses in front of why I hadn't done things. Things such as: losing weight, running a 5k, pursuing nursing school...you get the picture. I am ready to eat healthy, exercise regularlly, maintain and pursue healthy friendships, dive into the Bible, succeed at nursing school, and let God do things in my life he might otherwise been unable because I wasn't following the path he had for me.

I am going to be and display the best light and salt that I can be. Spreading the love of Christ along the way. I want people to question why I keep a positive outlook on life inspite of the deck of cards that have been handed to me, I want to be an inspiration for others to do the next small step in their lives that will better them. I want to spread hope. I want to stand firm in Christ and have his light shine through me.

Life has been crazy this month. Fifth Miscarriage. Michael moved out, got sent to jail, and is now moved back in. My dad had heart surgery, and is currently in the hospital for blood clots in his left lung. I got sick, and am still waiting for my voice to be back to normal (I miss singing in my car!). Life has been hectic, stressful, but guess what? I wouldn't change it.

Our fifth miscarriage allowed me to realize I am in a MUCH better place with Christ than the past year.

Michael moving out and going to jail allowed James and I to have time together and feel like US again. And maybe it will be what Mike needed to learn and better his life. Maybe moving back in with us will allow us to show him Christ. To teach him life lessons he missed growing up.

My father having heart issues allowed us to tear off the ugly dead tissue on our relationship and give us the possibility to heal and grow into a more healthy relationship. Yes, a scar will always remain but it had no chance of healing with necrotic tissue stunting the healing factor. I wish it wouldn't have needed to go this far, but it has and guess what? I am ready for the posibility of a healthy relationship.

Being sick and losing my voice helped me to realize first of all God can help me through Nursing school...he has made me capable and is for me passing the program. Secondly, I took having a voice for granted. Third, I do not spend enough time quiet with God. Fourth, I need to spend more time listening.

And guess what? I have been doing welll with life even with everything going on. I am stronger and I can make it through any mud and muck with Jesus by my side.

Life is Good.

James is helping a local farmer in the morning and working long long days. Our even shortened time together reminds