Pregnancy Bump Photos

I thought I would post all of the comparison ones I have thus far...it truly is amazing to see your body change.

Soon I may start weekly updates on the pregnancy. I have been quite lax on posting lately and hope to get better at it.

I can feel my belly every day, but pending what I wear, and if I am fully focused on tightening my core...it isn't always so obvious. It is those days it makes me feel f-a-t and not pregnant. Especially when people stare at me in scrubs or in clothes that don't show my belly as much and say things like, "soon you will pop" 

Which, I am not going to lie makes me want my belly to be fully big and round. But I can say, it already is getting in the way at times. And those moments bring a smile in my heart. Even if it is an inconvenience at times.

1 more week til our anatomy scan.
2 more weeks to half way through this pregnancy!
4 weeks until we have our gender reveal party!
6 more weeks til viability!!!! <<<Which will be SUCH a huge milestone!!
22 more weeks until this little one's due date....ahhh!

P.S. I am now 18w2d :-) Unbelievable!

Pregnancy After Infertility

I have started this post in various formats so many different times. It is a hard post to write, but something I think about quite often.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss brings SO much joy. It bring happiness and feelings of dreams coming true.

But it also brings pain, sadness for those still going through the dark valley, fear, and guilt.

Pain - This pregnancy reminds me of babies that shouldn't have been lead into heaven as soon as they were. Babies that only knew this earth through my womb, all for less than 2 months.

Sadness - Because I can remember the gut wrenching feeling experienced month after month, loss after loss. I remember the feelings of seeing Baby Gaga updates on facebook, seeing another pregnancy announcement, hearing complaints about pregnancy, seeing newborn pictures, and taking another pregnancy test in hopes of this being the month only to see one line. Of what it is like when people do not take the time to understand how infertility and loss effects a couple. The mother that is now a mother not here on earth, but to babies in heaven. I cannot explain the despair and grief that hearing you have lost a child causes a woman. Especially after trying for months and months, year after year.

Fear - Pregnancy after loss makes more moments of fear. The whole first trimester, and even now, when going to the bathroom I check the toilet paper to make sure there isn't any sign of spotting. Sad really, but the truth. Each ultrasound isn't filled entirely with excitement. It is filled with worry and anxiety of maybe today will be the day we learn this baby didn't make it. The second trimester is the same. Because going through infertility and loss you realize that pregnancy doesn't just happen, it isn't "in the water", sometimes "accidents" don't just happen, and most of all you face the facts that pregnancy does not always equal a living breathing healthy baby in your arms. Fear. Fear of a late loss. Of umbilical cord accidents. Of placental problems. Of intrauterine growth problems due to my uterus size. No joke. Fear when not feeling the baby move on a somewhat regular basis. All you can do is pray, rely on God, and hope that your fear has been a waste of time and energy.

Guilt - guilt for posting things on facebook. For being pregnant when so many others are still trying, especially since this pregnancy was natural when so many have went through IVF, IUI, and years of trying. For not enjoying every aspect as I had anticipated because throwing up simply isn't fun, because there is indeed this awkward stage where you don't look pregnant all the time, where you just feel fat. Especially when you have struggled with body image your entire life. Guilt for thinking those things, for wanting to complain because you know you are blessed to even have the pregnancy to complain about symptoms it causes. Guilt because you know that while experiencing these things, posting about them, you could be causing so many women the pain you used to feel.

What I am trying to say is, infertility and loss doesn't just change a woman or a couple for the time that they are trying. It is for life. You are changed. Forever.

I still get that little pit in my stomach at times hearing women are pregnant and have to remind myself, I am pregnant. I still get sad when I think of my babies, and I always will, but it does give me peace when I remind myself I will get to meet them in heaven.

It isn't just the wife that is changed. The husband is changed as well. James is changed. He has always been the strong hold, he was the one that held me when I cried. He sat there with me at each ultrasound, at the ultrasound we got the bad news our little one didn't make it. To have him sit there and watch the screen in anticipation. To watch his face when there is still a heartbeat. It is like a huge sigh of relief. He has been quite reserved, because we know that happy endings don't always happen. One of the last ultrasounds he looked at me with such joy and said, "Babe, the baby is GROWING!!" Which wasn't news to me because I can feel my body changing, but to hear it come out of his lips brought so much joy. He is a proud daddy already, even if he is scared for the future like I am. To watch him show off ultrasounds. To occasionally hear him say we need to paint the nursery. To hear him talk about baby names...All things are things we both wondered if it would ever happen. Before this James was at the point where he would be okay if we didn't have a biological child together because he saw the pain physically and emotionally that it caused me. Now, experiencing pregnancy together... I often wonder what it would be like to have him go through this without the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What it would be like for me, to not know the pain and sadness, for us as a couple.

But those are fleeting moments. Because I wouldn't change the path God has put us on. We have made great connections with friends, we are not afraid to be there for people in pain, we have faced things together as a couple that are a bad nightmare to other couples, and we are thriving together. I have been changed, yes, but I truly believe it is for the better.

Jeremiah 29:11 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, 

plans not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future."

I have clung to hope when it was so dark I wasn't sure what would be ahead of me, would I stumble? Would I walk face first into a wall? Fall flat on my face? I clung to God. I cried out to him when I was angry and refused to talk to him at times. I have learned SO much.

And I truly believe that experiencing pregnancy (and having faith that motherhood will be included as well) after infertility will help me learn much more.

Psalm 40:1-3

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me up out of my pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground, and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what he has done and be amazed. 

They will put their trust in the Lord."

Long Time No Post

Has it really been two months since my last post? That is crazy! Life has been super busy, but pretty wonderful. Just as the past two months have flown by I have a feeling this summer is going to zip past.

If you are curious about Michael, we are done done with him in the house, but we do need to pack up his stuff soon and get it to his Mom's house. The sentenced him to 150 days in jail total, and once out he will be off from probation. Quite crazy to think about....it isn't what I would have chose for him, but if it were up to me...I wouldn't have allowed the lifestyle he lived to get him there in the first place.

Sunday, June 3rd my newest little niece Lynzey was born. She is such a beautiful little cuddle bug. During the week, James and I brought over McDonald's for lunch and got to spend a few hours with Booger, Jess, and the girls. It was a fantastic day. I absolutely love spending time with them and playing with the girls. Sadly, we don't make the time to visit often enough. In return, sometimes it take a bit for the girls to warm up to us, I really hope to change that in the future.

The next day Gaugers came to spend the night when Laura and Joe went to a Tigers game. Because I worked the night before Stacey and JoAnna spent the night before so I could catch a little bit of shut eye. Gauge had fun playing with JoAnna in the sprinkler, and of course there were Disney movies to be watched :-). We exposed Gauge to the Aristocats, after refusing to wanting to watch it. As soon as it was over he asked, "Can I watch the cat movie again?" Trying to expand his taste for movies beyond The Jungle Book and Cars!

Friday night the Hillard side had a bonfire. All of us kids minus Scottie were there. I love watching the girls all play together. Molli, Audrey, and Graysi are SO cute together. Add Gauge to the mix, and it is a ball full of craziness! I cannot imagine what the future holds for all the family get togethers as more cousins are added to the family.

Saturday was Jennifer's bachelorette party. Lets just say it was a BLAST! I was a DD, and discovered it can be fun to be completely sober and be silly because you fit right in with everyone else! haha Sunday, after sleeping in, we spent the day at the lake. It was so relaxing, and I got some color (not much, but some!). We swam, ate left overs from the bachelorette party, and just hung out in the sun.

Coming up June is going to be so BUSY. More on that later!

I was crazy and agreed to work first shift tomorrow, so bedtime needs to happen soon. Which is kind of hard for a third shifter....

Life Happenings as of Lately

(I wrote this last week Wednesday but never posted it!)

This week I have been sick. My allergies have definitely been kicking my butt. Last week Sunday after the 5k I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. I was shivering and James let me know I was burning up when I woke him up and he yelled, "You are an oven!" So I got up, fulmbled around as quietly as I could in the dark trying not to wake up Laura, Joe, or Gauge. I found a thermometer and some medicine. Showered and managed to get back to sleep.

That was the beginning. Tuesday I still wasnt feeling any better so I missed class and went to urgent care. The strep test came back negative but it looked like strep so Dr. Treated as such. Thursday STILL not better, my allergies kicked in. Que trip to family Dr. And new prescription for a nasal allergy med. I have had little or no voice for over a week now. I am so ready to be back to normal.

In the midst of all of my sick week I counted calories still, even when Girl Scout Cookies came in and I overindulged. The good news? Today, Weigh in Wednesday...I lost weight still!

I have 1.8lbs to go until I am no longer obese. I will be in the overweight category with the goal of one day this year being in the "normal" range. I am excited and pationate about making my life better.

This is the year of change. Allowing things to finally come to pass that I have put excuses in front of why I hadn't done things. Things such as: losing weight, running a 5k, pursuing nursing school...you get the picture. I am ready to eat healthy, exercise regularlly, maintain and pursue healthy friendships, dive into the Bible, succeed at nursing school, and let God do things in my life he might otherwise been unable because I wasn't following the path he had for me.

I am going to be and display the best light and salt that I can be. Spreading the love of Christ along the way. I want people to question why I keep a positive outlook on life inspite of the deck of cards that have been handed to me, I want to be an inspiration for others to do the next small step in their lives that will better them. I want to spread hope. I want to stand firm in Christ and have his light shine through me.

Life has been crazy this month. Fifth Miscarriage. Michael moved out, got sent to jail, and is now moved back in. My dad had heart surgery, and is currently in the hospital for blood clots in his left lung. I got sick, and am still waiting for my voice to be back to normal (I miss singing in my car!). Life has been hectic, stressful, but guess what? I wouldn't change it.

Our fifth miscarriage allowed me to realize I am in a MUCH better place with Christ than the past year.

Michael moving out and going to jail allowed James and I to have time together and feel like US again. And maybe it will be what Mike needed to learn and better his life. Maybe moving back in with us will allow us to show him Christ. To teach him life lessons he missed growing up.

My father having heart issues allowed us to tear off the ugly dead tissue on our relationship and give us the possibility to heal and grow into a more healthy relationship. Yes, a scar will always remain but it had no chance of healing with necrotic tissue stunting the healing factor. I wish it wouldn't have needed to go this far, but it has and guess what? I am ready for the posibility of a healthy relationship.

Being sick and losing my voice helped me to realize first of all God can help me through Nursing school...he has made me capable and is for me passing the program. Secondly, I took having a voice for granted. Third, I do not spend enough time quiet with God. Fourth, I need to spend more time listening.

And guess what? I have been doing welll with life even with everything going on. I am stronger and I can make it through any mud and muck with Jesus by my side.

Life is Good.

James is helping a local farmer in the morning and working long long days. Our even shortened time together reminds

5K Completed!

Ok so you might be aware that I wanted to run a 5k by the end of the summer....or maybe not because I hadn't motivated myself to run yet this year. But, guess what...I did it! Impromptu! Last minute I decided to sign up.

I just got this feeling in my gut and the conversation went something like this (to my sister-in-law Laura).
"So...how fast do you run your 5k?"
"Snail pace. Like 15 minute mile."
"So I could keep up with you probably?"
"Oh yeah, definitely."
"Ok. I'm doing it. How much is late registration?"

Saturday I made the decision to run. Sunday morning I registered, and ran that same day.

I made it through the 5k...3.1 miles in 42 minutes and 28 seconds. No training. Nothing...14 minute mile. Me. I did it. Sure I walked some, but I kept going. And I kicked butt!

I had my cute new running clothes on. Headphones tuned onto a variety of Christian music. And determination in my heart. I kept saying to myself, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I sped up to the parts where the song swelled and my heart felt happy worshiping God. I was mouthing along to my music (and probably looking like a crazy lady with sweat dripping off my forehead) and wishing I could lift my hands and jump up and down telling people how amazing God is. I reminded myself of where I have been and where I am going. And through all of this I made it through.

And I felt strong. Strong for doing the 5k. Strong for being able to allow God to make me strong, even in my weakness. Strong for doing this a week after our fifth miscarriage. Strong. Me? Strong? Yes, and I loved it. James and I had a wonderful weekend with Laura, Joe, and the short time we saw Gauge (even if he was a little cranky).

I cannot wait to do another 5k. I broke the ice. I am game. Why in the world did I wait so long? I am pretty sore from lack of training and kicking the 5k's booty...but it is well worth the endorphins and how strong and fierce I felt at the end of the race. I am thinking one a month for the rest of the summer if I can find one, I am going to not only leave my time in the dust, but I am going to leave obesity forever. I am so close to being just "overweight" I can taste it (4lbs if you are curious).

James didn't think I would go through with this 5k at first (I tend to be indecisive...), but I just had to do it for myself. James spent the weekend moving things with Joe getting ready for their upcoming move to Grand Rapids. I am pretty excited to have them live closer. Anyways, while us girls were kicking the 5k's butt the boys were working hard on the move. While I am thinking about it, please keep James's knee in your prayers. It has been bugging him for at least a week now, and I would love for it to heal without having to seek a medical opinion (but am preparing to call in the very near future). I really would LOVE to complete a 5k together by the end of the summer!

What about you? Are you game for a 5k? Your first time doesn't really matter. What truly matters is getting off your butt and just doing it! Even if it is a 5k walk. And if you leave me in the dust doing it, that is perfectly fine because my hope is to inspire others to change their life for the better!

I will leave you with some photos from the day (the quality may not be the best, they are from my phone).

My number. I was so excited to get it!!
The 5k was Al Kayner's St. Patrick's Day Race in Bay City, MI

It was a mad house of people. There was a 5k and an 8k along with walkers.

Before

After!

SO HAPPY!!
Finished 42:28

We both ran our 1st 5Ks together :-)
Laura finished 47:30

Filled With Music: Then and Now.

If you don't know me too well, you should know I love music. James loves music. It is something God has weaved into the very makeup of our souls.

We met in band. He was the cute older drummer with the gorgeous smile and twinkling eyes. I thought I just had a silly crush that would never amount to anything. That was my sophomore year in high school. Little did I know we would begin dating after my senior year at band camp. :-)

I was a clarinetist. Writing, playing my clarinet, and singing were my escape from the world around me. I loved the making a story come to life from little black notes on white pieces of paper into a beautiful sound that filled the air for all near to hear. The way my fingers could fly over the silver keys. Playing until my lips could no longer stand it. Playing in the middle of the night as my sisters slept upstairs, going over and over tricky spots in my music, perfecting dynamics and intonation.

It was a major part of my life. And it still is, I am a little rusty...but if life feels overwhelming I escape to chromatic scales, the smell of cork grease, the taste of wood reeds, and bits and pieces of memorized songs. Often feeling amazed at some of the black spatters on paper I used to play sometimes flawlessly.

There was also color guard. It was like expressing music in a whole 'nother light! I was always told, count, count, count! But I always just felt the music and let it move through me. I could break it down if I needed to, but I just moved with the music. Performing with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

I was also in choir. I loved singing. Memorizing music. Hearing it come together. Music was everywhere. Between music classes and english/writing classes in high school I was one happy camper.

Music and writing were engraved into the very essence of who I am at a very young age. But I was still lacking something. While I didn't feel complete when I didn't involve music in my life, I also started to realize I felt like I was missing something. I didn't find God until my senior year in high school, thanks to my husband and a couple of friends that planted the seed before him. So while I just did music and writing to survive then, I now know it is a way I can truly worship God and thank Him for how He created me to be.

I have learned playing my clarinet, singing along to worship music, and writing all can be a way I show him my thanks and my love.

I have learned worship doesn't have to be only with a smile in your heart. It can be with tears streaming down your face and your inner child stomping their feet and saying, "It's NOT FAIR!!" God loves me where I am at, and I will worship him from where I am at. He knows my heart. Heck, He created me!

I love to worship. If church service could include 10 songs every week I would be one happy camper. My heart swells with the music, the drums, guitar, and vocals bringing the words to life. I love worshiping with abandon, arms up high, eyes closed, and imagining I am singing to Jesus at his feet.

See, while singing and performance in general in high school was for the thrill to see our hard work to pay off...Worship is different. Worship is about saying thank You for all that You are to me God! Thank you for being here with me. Worship is between you and God. It doesn't matter if you hit every note perfectly, if your hands are stretched up, or tapping your thigh. It doesn't matter if sound cannot escape your lips because too many tears are cascading down your cheeks. It doesn't matter where you are singing to worship God...at work, in your car, while cleaning the house, while in the shower. It is still worship.

I would be silly to not let the love of music I feel to swell out into the world around me. I am filled with music, just as I am filled with the love and grace of God.

Operation Healthy Life

For the past month James and I have been using the MyFitnessPal app to count calories. We have begun exercising, and starting to see the changes.

James's user name is hillard76. He has lost close to 15 lbs already I believe. He weighs in on Saturdays. It is so annoying with how many calories he gets to get compared to me!! I have given up helping him pack his lunch because I get kind of angry...like seriously? He gets to eat close to double of what I get to eat on a normal day!!

My user name is jnhillard. I have lost 13 lbs :-) I love the endorphins working out give me! I weigh in on Wednesdays, and currently am weighing a little over 195. I am seeing the difference in my thighs, getting some strong muscles. And I can officially do one guy push up, strong woman I know! (haha) I drink at least 50% of my body weight in ounces of water EVER day...yes, that means I am drinking at least 12-13 servings of water ever day. I really think it helps tremendously with weight loss.

We have gotten quite a few friends to join us on this weight loss journey. And I am excited to see where it takes us, but I can tell you one thing...this time it is sticking. There is no giving up, there is no backing down. This has to be our lifestyles if we don't want to be obese forever.

Losing weight and eating healthier is really helping me keep my mind off everything else going on in our crazy lives. One thing we are slacking on though is reading the Bible, so if you could keep that in your prayers I hope to soon be adding to our healthy lifestyle with more God in it!!

One thing I have learned throughout life thus far is it truly is an uphill battle. It is up to you to stand up stronger (with God's help!!) each time you get knocked down to persevere in hopes of one day reaching the top. With your prayers, our prayers, and our determination we will get to the top of the hill one day. We will reach our goals, and we will inspire others to do the same. I can feel it in my bones. :-)

Sometimes, change is a GOOD thing.