Obedience.

Things have not been rainbows and butterflies in the Hillard household lately. Things have been tough.

Times has been filled with me totaling out good vehicle (that was one way to get out from that debt I suppose...bright side? UGH), feeling like a failure at being able to lead a small group, dying appliances...and basically walking away from God. A couple of weeks ago I realized it had been a month since I had last read my Bible somewhat regularly. I felt like weeping, but still am struggling to change it.

God has been trying to woo me back to him. I was listening to a podcast from Impact Church in Lowell and it was on Ester. It was like God was speaking to my heart. In the story Jews are about to face a huge persecution from the King's right hand man. Ester is the King's wife. And she has never told him that she was a Jew! Talk about little talking before marriage! The man that had raised her growing up petitions her to talk to the King, break tradition and come before him and ask him to save them!

I felt like it was God saying to me. If you keep quiet at such a time as this, regardless of what is going on in your life, those in your life that aren't saved I will find a way to reach them, those that are hurting that you know? someone else will help them find relief. But what about your family? What about you friends? What if they die without knowing Christ? I made you for such a time as this, you are to grow where you are planted. Keep your eyes on me.

August 12th God tried to speak to me once more, wooing me closer to him. Making me ache for time with him. I posted on facebook what I heard him say to me, 

"You don't need to stay in the dry valley. Especially as long as you build your camp up in false comfort. You are meant to stand on me as your strong foundation. To rise on my wings like eagles, and to run without growing weary. Stop trying to face this world on your own strength. I know it is tough. But seek me first. Choose joy in the midst of it all. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to face these struggles without us on your side. Stop believing I don't know and don't care about what is going on in your life. Stop picking the burdens back up that you once laid at our feet. While you are weak, I am strong. So pack up your camp and let's get moving. I have bigger plans for you than this dry valley. It's time to bring your dry bones to life. ~ God."

But still I didn't take the time. We even saw prayers answered in receiving a used fridge for free. My little 2.5 year old son asks during prayer time to pray for the church, and doesn't settle when we just pray for Kilpatrick. He will repeat church again, and we pray for the community. When I ask him one more time what we should pray for he will again say the church until I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to move in the United States and in nations around the world that face persecution for their belief. Then he goes back to his routine of praying for Daddy, the gym, and various other people intermittently. Even talking about this makes my heart almost skip a beat and Godbumps to form. This little boy has been covered in so many prayers for him to help be a light in this world, and I in the same fear that I have towards God see the work that could be in effect from those prayers to God. 

But still I haven't made it a priority to seek God First. I have been praying on and off the past couple of days for God to return to being my first love. To seek first the Kingdom of God. But still haven't made the time to read my Bible daily. I feel guilty devouring the Left Behind Series once more when I should be looking forward to reading the Bible as eagerly as I have been listening to these stories. 

This weekend is the Engage conference at Kilpatrick. I looked forward to it expectantly. And I have not been disappointed. The answer has been here all along. We have been disobedient. We haven't tithed 10% consistently since before Matthew was born, and regular tithing has been as sparse as grass in the desert. If you are not obedient to God, how can the Holy Spirit dwell in you consistently?

Unsettled Heart

Everything going on the news....from sexual abuse to policy brutality, from the confederate flag to same sex marriage. It leaves my heart unsettled. My thoughts range from why do these things have to happen? to seriously it is a flag, who cares? To I am so sick of seeing all of this negativity on the news and my facebook newsfeed. Obviously the biggest thing today is the ruling on same sex marriage. I see everything from proud rainbows to very upset, to well meaning Christians that get into hearty often boisterous arguments (they may try to call them "discussions") on this topic. I see people saying they are deleting others, curse words piercing the air, and I sit back and I ponder.

How is this showing them Jesus? Jesus came for all sinners. It doesn't matter your sin, he is sovereign over all. This ruling did not catch Jesus by surprise. Does it mean we celebrate with those that choose that lifestyle? I'm going to be honest and say...I am not certain. Do you celebrate with an obese person at your church gathering? Or how about the man that has a secret addition to pornography? Do you sit next to a person in church that has a gambling problem? Or a person that is prideful? Do you attend their weddings? Do you lend ear to gossip as a Christian, and even in the church setting? If we say a sin is a sin is a sin....and as Christians continue in our sinful ways as we try to worship God and develop a deeper relationship with Him...isn't that just as sinful to God? I'm not certain. But I think it could be.

When it says do not judge others in the Bible...it means do not judge those that are not believers. Those that are not part of the church. We are to try and help those within the church to turn from their sinful ways. That is clear in the Bible. That includes homosexuality, just as it includes obesity, laziness, addition to cigarettes (not treating the body as a temple), drunkenness, slander and gossip, pride, premarital sex, pornography, or simply lust in general. Our government is not the church, it is clear we are a nation that no longer follows God's wishes for our lives. Therefore we cannot judge the choices the government makes. We simply have to continue to have hope and lean on the fact that Jesus is Lord. We have to pray for those that are unbelievers and our brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with any sort of sin.

When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.  But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that.  I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people. 

 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.

1 Corinthians 5:9-13 

Can you imagine how empty the seat in the church would be if we removed all the sinful from among us? Do you see what I am alluding to? The church should be a safe place for all who are broken. We are all sinners saved by grace. And ultimately this fighting over these things in the news recently is what makes Satan celebrate. After all, our fight is not with other humans really. Look up Ephesians 6:12, it lays it all out for you. Our battle is against the evil spirits in this world. They are celebrating that is for certain.

And I am pretty certain it grieves the spirit that these things are happening in the world today.  But I am 100% certain of something else, Jesus is still Lord over all. There is still victory on the cross. Unfortunately, the Bible already warned that times would be hard for families in the end of times. And to put it quite simply every day further from when Jesus was raised from the dead is closer to the end of times. Why are we surprised that things are falling farther and farther away from the path that God would deem righteous, right, and true?

There are many thoughts floating about my unsettled heart. I do think the day will come when Christians are punished extensively for speaking out about their beliefs. I do believe that one day there will be martyrs for the faith in the United States. People may be crying out to Jesus to come soon over this, but I am praying Jesus wait so maybe one more unbeliever can be saved. And I do believe that for unbelievers, who I am not to judge, that this certificate that the government is calling marriage will benefit their family units. I do not think that it changes the definition of what we as Christians see marriage. The government may redefine it as a union between any couple. But to us as Christians, marriage will always be a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. A cord of three, the leaving from two separate families to cleave to one another.

Where does that leave those that believe in Jesus, and struggle with their sexual orientation? Or their gender? Let me ask you a question...before you judge them, are you praying for them? Petitioning God for them. The best article I read today on this topic reminded the readers of the thorn in Paul's flesh that God did not take away. What if that is what their sexuality is like to them. How many lesbians, gays, bisexual, or transgendered people wish they could change the way they feel. And as believers in Jesus feel guilty, and may in turn feel unworthy of God's love and turn away from Him? I am sure there is too many to list. With marriage now being legal for these people, they have an even greater temptation to live outside of God's will. Especially with those inside the church believing that this sin of homosexuality is blacker than any other sins I listed above. Let those who have no sin cast the first stone. I am not casting a stone at fellow believers because they have different struggles than I do.

My heart feels unsettled and I think it is for one reason alone. Quite simply, His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. I am thankful the judging of who enters into heaven is not up to you or me.

Take the Time to Stop

Lately life has been going a mile a minute in the Hillard household, I have been working closer to full time hours, James is working full time and doing produce, and then there is Matthew - - - the busiest little boy I have met in a very long time.

I hate to admit it, but here is my confession. The first thing that goes for me is usually that quiet time with God when we are this busy. I crave it and yearn to have that time, but it seems I am never able to take that time with the Lord. I try to fill myself up with His word by listening to the Bible or Podcasts as I drive or do housework. But it is not enough, my soul yearns for the quiet moments in the house when all is still and God speaks to my heart because I have cleared my schedule to invite Him in. Without the quiet it's like stopping and looking at a friend and asking, "How are you doing?" If we keep moving about, and interrupt the conversation multiple times does that friend feel important in those moments? And are we truly listening to their heart's response to the question? No! They would probably give us the short answer, or if they were a bold friend say, "Hey, are you even listening to me? Are you sure you really want to know how I am doing?" Because the reality is that Jesus is our friend, God is our father - - - so why don't we stop to take the time to nourish that relationship? Why does it feel awkward sometimes to pray and listen?

We don't take the time to stop enough. We don't treat God as a friend. If your best friend suddenly was shifted up into a very important position of leadership, would you stop talking to them or joking with them in private the way that you used to? Would you not yearn to have those moments with them again? It is the same with God, He is All Mighty, and Powerful, and we should respect Him....but we should also come to Him in the good times, in the bad times, in the times when we feel overwhelmed, stressed, sad, angry, and bring all of these emotions to Him and lay it at his feet. Or if you are me - - - sometimes you feel like you are throwing rotten tomatoes at Him.

I felt like I was throwing the tomatoes at Him and saying, "Hello, remember me? My name is Jessica and I prayed that you would close my womb until YOU chose to bless us with another take home baby. How did this prayer get lost in translation? It's pretty cut and dry. Lord, I don't get it. Why don't you WANT to heal my womb? I know you can! Am I not good enough to have another baby? What is wrong with us? Why do others have babies abundantly without struggle and we sit here a total of 5 years trying and we have Matthew and 13 babies with you in Heaven?!?" Those thoughts and feelings went away soon after I threw them up to the Lord and they were replaced with peace. I have had this overwhelming peace, letting me know that I needed this pregnancy to know that He still would let me get pregnant, even after that prayer, because there was a fear within me that he would just stop and not allow another baby to grow in my womb. That maybe we would not ever have another take home baby. He didn't listen to my prayer because he knew my heart better than I thought He possibly could.

I just had to take the time to stop and let him speak to my heart. I had to push the lies out, and fill myself up with the promises of His word. Remind myself of my identity in Christ and not cling to the identities the world tries to attach to me. I just had this vision of a teenage girl walking down the hall and others are trying to stick papers to her with names the world wants her to believe she is - unworthy, shameful, a loser, unloved, unimportant, fat, ugly. And this girl was just looking so sad, she was down in the dumps. And then next thing I knew she was smiling with her head held up high, and she was holding up her identities in Christ as a shield - Forgiven, Loved, Treasured, Beautiful, Child of God, Chosen, Set apart. Adopted. I think we would all do better in this world if we picked up the Bible and remember the identity we have in Christ and stopped the world from trying to shove sticky notes on our soul of names that we should never claim or believe for ourselves. Ask God what names you have let the world trick you into believing, what titles he wishes for you to cast off from yourself and find your identity in Christ.

Take the time to stop, take the time to pray. What kind of believers in Christ are we if we do not take the time to talk and listen to Him? Clear 10 minutes in your schedule daily for God and go from there. That is my goal for this week, as meager as it sounds 10 minutes each day in prayer with God. And guess what? I am leaning on Psalms 5:3. "Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." I am going to be expectantly waiting for God, for him to answer prayers and speak to my heart. As I make the time to meet Him each day how much more do I bring to Him so that His glory can be shown by answering prayers? Take the challenge. Let me know how it goes.

I See You

A post written on Mother's Day

To the women coming into church with disdain on your heart for this holiday.

I see you. You are not alone, though I hold the hand of our son the weeks I go to church I wish so desperately I could hold your hand and squeeze you tight and say, "Happy Mothers Day. No matter what others say, Mother's day is for all women."

To the woman who had a miscarriage this year with no living children.

I see you. I have been in your shoes. Happy Mothers Day to you, You are indeed a mom to your little one in heaven. This day is for you too. It's okay to cry. It's okay to skip church or society in general (may want to steer clear of Facebook as well).

To the woman who wished for a husband but he never came, and thus your dreamt children never came either.

I see you in your heartache and wistful thinking. God hears your prayers and he knows the pain this day brings you. Find joy in the fact that you help other mothers mother their precious children.

I see you. I too see the mothers able to celebrate this holiday haphazardly without thinking of the women on the other side fence wishing God would give them a leg up to join the side with the "real moms". I hear the questions, "Do you have any children?" And my heart aches.

People don't want to see the pain. People don't want to hear yes, I have 13 babies. 12 are with Jesus and Matthew is here with us.

People don't think when they ask that dreaded question on Mothers day, or about their tone when the person responds no. "Oh well, happy Mother's Day anyways." or "Well, then just enjoy your day."

Let's just celebrate women today. Their mothering caring hearts. Celebrate those that gave birth to babies. Those that lost babies pray with them and remember. For those that gave a baby up for adoption celebrate that they chose life and minister to them on this day. Thank the childless women in your life for all that they do for others. Pray for those without children today. 

Prayer

Here I sit, legs crossed. Francesca Battistelli's song "Find Rest" is playing. My soul is crying out along with it, "Find rest my soul, put your hope in God." Praying for the words to come to life in my fingertips. Trying to figure out the best way to reflect on what I am learning about prayer, and how to most effectively share with the ladies that have agreed to take this adventure with me.

I have been hearing this whisper to start another blog dedicated to women's ministry. I don't have a name for it yet, so this is me stepping out in faith asking for prayers for clarity, ideas to be God breathed and Holy Spirit led. A place where women can come as they are, in the sweat pants at home, or in stylish clothing at a coffee shop. A place to escape from the chaos of this world.  An online "home" where women can come without judgement from others to find the truth written in God's word, and how to apply it to their life. Where conviction from the Holy Spirit and encouragement collide and mix together enough to lead you towards the life that Jesus has planned for you.

I feel like I am grasping for words hidden behind a fog, I know that something big is coming, I can feel it. I 100% believe that God's hand is moving in this situation, and I am desperately asking for prayer, for faith to lean into God when I am unsure, for confidence when doubt is nipping at my heels, and for God to make a path before me clear and evident, even when I feel uneasy taking the next step.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of that! My mind feels like it is going 1000 mph at times with all the thoughts that crowd in.

So you may be wondering, what have I been learning about prayer?

When you invite the Holy Spirit into your prayer life, and pray with boldness before the feet of Jesus --- He answers your prayers!! Tangible real life prayers, answered before my eyes recently. First thing is first though, before your prayers can even be answered you have to pray!!

I took this idea from Praying for Your Elephant: Boldly Approaching Jesus with Radical and Audacious Prayer by Adam Stadtmiller (You can find it here). I have challenged my prayer group to make 10 categories and place 10 specific prayers under each categories, so 100 total, and make sure that you date them when you write them down. This will help us to be intentional with our prayers, help us to be reminded of what we need/want to be praying for, and for us to be able to see a tangible way that God is answering our prayers by being able to see what we had prayed and write ANSWERED and the date next to them. I think it is a good exercise! 

Before you start writing down your prayers I would say a prayer something like this,

"Lord, I come before you today and my heart is yearning to pray for the desires that you have placed in my heart. Please bring the Holy Spirit to give me discernment on what to pray about, help me to be specific and come before you unashamed of where I am at and what my heart cries out for. You are the author of my life, and I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in your image! Help me to be strong and courageous if you ask me to pray for something that seems outside of my comfort zone. Wash over me with your love and tenderness as I begin this task at hand..."

Put on some worship music and praise God for all that He is. Ask Him boldly without fear of being embarrassed or rebuked harshly. You are deserving because you are His adopted child, you are chosen and loved by our Heavenly Father. You are able to do whatever He calls you to. Pray for your heart to be able to hear His gentle whispers.  Pray that you will honor God with your prayers by having the faith to move mountains, faith as big as a mustard seed.

There are so many ways to pray! You can pray scripture for yourself, your family, your church, your community, Michigan, the United States, or even worldwide! You can grab some coloring supplies and doodle a prayer to God (examples here). You can pray head to toe over those you love. You can write in a prayer journal. You can pray as you drive, or with a group of people. You can pray sitting on your couch, on your knees, or prostrate before the feet of the Lord. 

Scripture says we are to pray continually. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

NLT16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

NIV16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Amplified Bible 16 Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); 17 Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; 18 Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Isn't it time we embrace that scripture and live it out? Rejoice! Find gladness and joy in your faith, and continue to pray with perseverance. Do not stop praying, have a heart of prayer from the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down to sleep. Continue praying until your heart beats its last beat. Find a way to be thankful in whatever circumstance that passes your way, yes even the bad stuff, the disappointing areas. Thank God for your life, for your faith, for his plan for your life. Surrender all of you to Jesus and find a way to see the blessing in whatever comes your way!

That should be a prayer of our hearts. Take the time to pray it out and listen to God about the areas that you need to surrender to Him and share it with a woman that you love and trust. Ask them to hold you accountable. Find a prayer partner and have an open authentic Christ centered friendship with them.

If you are interested in joining a small group of women praying for God to move within our lives, the community, and across the earth please let me know! We are just getting started and we would love to have you! Do not be afraid to ask if you are interested! 

Spending Time in the Silence

Do you ever feel that spiritual "dry" times when you are no longer hearing God speak to you daily? For me my dry times are when I don't set aside time to worship Him. I forget to seek His will for my day. I put off reading the Bible. I get caught up in the stress and business of life.

And then there are times such as now, when I think that God is being silent because of all of the above. Then I hear his whisper when I finally slow down to reflect on why I haven't felt like he has been speaking to my heart as frequently.

"I am being silent because I have already told you what I wish for you to do sweet child. You are meant to do this, just act. Decide. Listen. Spend time with me, help me to direct your path. That doesn't mean I am going to show you every foot step along the journey. I will make you sure footed as a doe, I will give you reassurances along the way. But to know that you are sure-footed you have to be making steps. You have to be acting."

It is one thing to say to God, "Choose me." It is another thing to act upon which he is calling you to.
There are 2 times that I thrive for when it comes to spending time with God in our house hold. Nap time and bedtime when everyone is sleeping peacefully and the Holy Spirit says...not yet, get up, lets talk. The days I work, I will not lie it is so hard to make quiet time with God.

I am not a morning person by heart. But some days, like days I work....that may be the only time I get to experience along time with God in the quiet. Scripture and speakers on the pod casts I listen to have been talking about how people rise in the morning to spend time with God. I felt that knowing tug on my heart. And I said to God, "Surely you don't mean me. You created me, you know I am not a morning person. I already have to leave the house at 515 the mornings that I work. I get up at 4, you want me to get up at 330?"

God just wants those waking moments, whatever time it is. This season that I am in, I cannot fathom giving up another half hour of sleep when sleep is often times interrupted at least once during the middle of the night. But shouldn't we give up things for Christ? Doesn't he call us to lay down our lives for us? Doesn't he say he will strengthen us and hold our heads up? He will be our rest. I may have to wake up at 330 in the morning or get Matthew to bed and get back up to reflect on your day, praise God, find joy in your trials....or simply to spend time in God's word and hear him in the quiet. He wants you to pray, but more than that he wants you to listen. It's a relationship, it is a conversation, not a one sided dialog.

Spend time in the silence with God. Do a devotion. Listen to some worship music. If you miss church pick a day or a couple days of the week to listen to pod casts that teach Godly lessons to your soul. Reflect on what you heard with Jesus. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you, to burden your heart for what God wants you to pray for.

Praying for a Prayer Group

"Satan does not own this world, it belongs to God. He has used you as His ambassadors to make known His kingdom come, His will be done." 

Lacrae speaking on "Serving God in Our Culture" 

Focus on the Family broadcast

Sometimes I can be pretty stubborn. I question and contemplate my actions, think about consequences for each choice that I could make, and when I am walking close to Christ I really feel like I should have one of those old WWJD bracelets on. Because my heart questions what Jesus would think about x, y, or z. I love my husband the other night he said something along the lines of, "I always knew I was stubborn, but as it turns out my wife is even more so. God has to hit her over the head to know anything is from Him." It made me laugh because it is so true. 

When I was writing that last entry a week ago, I felt this prompting to start a prayer group. I knew in my heart at that point that Sue and Essie were going to take a break for the summer, I felt it was time to jump in. Over a week I mulled over if it was really from God or something I dreamed up by myself. I thought to myself, it will be myself and 9 other ladies. Ten total and I thought it would be all online, just in case Sue and Essie didn't stop group...and lets be honest the intimacy and bravery it takes to step out in faith with your prayers in front of others. I was afraid to meet face to face! There I said it (and I really do think a virtual prayer group is an awesome idea that could spread like rapid fire if we accepted the Holy Spirit to be fully present in it).

Anyways, stay with me. God is SO good that when you question yourself he will surely make you as sure-footed as a doe. He will keep you on His path by laying land markers for you to follow. My land markers were in the form of our study that I had tried to find time to do all week but failed to do due to distraction after distraction. It spoke of this missionary that went into a place of spiritual darkness, and for five years he prayed and prayed without any change. He finally talked to his mom and asked for prayer. 

She found nine women to pray for the cause along side of her. Yup a group of 10 women. Those God bumps washed over me and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. Okay God. I get it. But I didn't get it. Because as I was reflecting on the 9 women praying along side of that man's mother I volunteered to read the part in Genesis where Abraham intercedes for Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Genesis 19:22-32

The other men turned and headed toward Sodom, but the Lord remained with Abraham. Abraham approached him and said, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people living there in the city—will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sakes? Surely you wouldn’t do such a thing, destroying the righteous along with the wicked. Why, you would be treating the righteous and the wicked exactly the same! Surely you wouldn’t do that! Should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?” 

And the Lord replied, “If I find fifty righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.” 

Then Abraham spoke again. “Since I have begun, let me speak further to my Lord, even though I am but dust and ashes. Suppose there are only forty-five righteous people rather than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?” 

And the Lord said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five righteous people there.” 

Then Abraham pressed his request further. “Suppose there are only forty?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the forty.” 

“Please don’t be angry, my Lord,” Abraham pleaded. “Let me speak—suppose only thirty righteous people are found?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it if I find thirty.” 

 Then Abraham said, “Since I have dared to speak to the Lord, let me continue—suppose there are only twenty?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the twenty.” 

Finally, Abraham said, “Lord, please don’t be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.”

I missed that last part. Ten. Until Sue pointed it out when I found the courage to let my emotions bubble out of what I felt that God was calling me to. God had actually been calling me to do something. I still feel like, no no me. Are you sure? I mean I have shared my heart with this to a handful of women now and I haven't gotten a huge response. I don't want want people to join just because, I want the ones you have planned to join me...to join me. Yet, my heart questions okay what am I approaching about this wrongly? Can't you just bring the women to me? How many more do I have to share this crazy vision with before women step up and say, "Me."

I just had this reminder of the verse where God is wondering who he should send. Upon looking it up it is Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me." 

I am praying God will fill up the rest of the women that are supposed to come along side of me like ants coming out of an ant hill. That they too will have been feeling this call to pray and be willing to respond like Isaiah saying, "Here I am Lord. Send me." Even if it is like a meek child raising their hand in school, almost hoping that the teacher won't call on them.

I am certain that is what has brought me to this point, in case you are curious. I remember praying for God to use me. Is this how he is going to use me? I feel like I could throw up almost at the way that God is truly showing himself to me. Does that even make sense? Sorry for being my journal tonight. Here I am an open book. I am not perfect. I question too often, think too much. But I am called.

I am called. I am really shaking my head. I don't get it. Yet at the same time my soul cries out, use me Lord. Choose me. Guide my thoughts, prayers, and actions. Bring me to those that need to see your reflection in my life. Help me to be recklessly brave and audacious and honoring in my prayers. Help me to intentionally plant little mustard seeds of faith throughout this world that even Satan knows He is not capable of stopping the spread of your goodness even into the places where He has always had a stronghold. You are God and you are mighty, none is greater than you. It's time as Christians we start believing that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

If you have questions about the prayer group I am planning (and hoping and counting on God) to have started before the beginning of May. Please do not feel afraid to call, text, email, or Facebook. If I don't respond, ask again. And again. And again. Pray about it. Listen to the small call if you think Jesus might be asking, "Who am I going to send to pray?" Be brave enough to step into that empty space and say, "Here I am Lord. Send me." It might feel scary, but remember God has Armor ready for us to put on at a second's notice. He is always present and aware. We don't have to worry about Him sleeping on the job. And the best thing of all of it...Victory has already been won. Death has lost it's sting. We are just gathering together in pray so that more may truly see the goodness of God's glory for themselves.