I See You

A post written on Mother's Day

To the women coming into church with disdain on your heart for this holiday.

I see you. You are not alone, though I hold the hand of our son the weeks I go to church I wish so desperately I could hold your hand and squeeze you tight and say, "Happy Mothers Day. No matter what others say, Mother's day is for all women."

To the woman who had a miscarriage this year with no living children.

I see you. I have been in your shoes. Happy Mothers Day to you, You are indeed a mom to your little one in heaven. This day is for you too. It's okay to cry. It's okay to skip church or society in general (may want to steer clear of Facebook as well).

To the woman who wished for a husband but he never came, and thus your dreamt children never came either.

I see you in your heartache and wistful thinking. God hears your prayers and he knows the pain this day brings you. Find joy in the fact that you help other mothers mother their precious children.

I see you. I too see the mothers able to celebrate this holiday haphazardly without thinking of the women on the other side fence wishing God would give them a leg up to join the side with the "real moms". I hear the questions, "Do you have any children?" And my heart aches.

People don't want to see the pain. People don't want to hear yes, I have 13 babies. 12 are with Jesus and Matthew is here with us.

People don't think when they ask that dreaded question on Mothers day, or about their tone when the person responds no. "Oh well, happy Mother's Day anyways." or "Well, then just enjoy your day."

Let's just celebrate women today. Their mothering caring hearts. Celebrate those that gave birth to babies. Those that lost babies pray with them and remember. For those that gave a baby up for adoption celebrate that they chose life and minister to them on this day. Thank the childless women in your life for all that they do for others. Pray for those without children today. 

Prayer

Here I sit, legs crossed. Francesca Battistelli's song "Find Rest" is playing. My soul is crying out along with it, "Find rest my soul, put your hope in God." Praying for the words to come to life in my fingertips. Trying to figure out the best way to reflect on what I am learning about prayer, and how to most effectively share with the ladies that have agreed to take this adventure with me.

I have been hearing this whisper to start another blog dedicated to women's ministry. I don't have a name for it yet, so this is me stepping out in faith asking for prayers for clarity, ideas to be God breathed and Holy Spirit led. A place where women can come as they are, in the sweat pants at home, or in stylish clothing at a coffee shop. A place to escape from the chaos of this world.  An online "home" where women can come without judgement from others to find the truth written in God's word, and how to apply it to their life. Where conviction from the Holy Spirit and encouragement collide and mix together enough to lead you towards the life that Jesus has planned for you.

I feel like I am grasping for words hidden behind a fog, I know that something big is coming, I can feel it. I 100% believe that God's hand is moving in this situation, and I am desperately asking for prayer, for faith to lean into God when I am unsure, for confidence when doubt is nipping at my heels, and for God to make a path before me clear and evident, even when I feel uneasy taking the next step.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of that! My mind feels like it is going 1000 mph at times with all the thoughts that crowd in.

So you may be wondering, what have I been learning about prayer?

When you invite the Holy Spirit into your prayer life, and pray with boldness before the feet of Jesus --- He answers your prayers!! Tangible real life prayers, answered before my eyes recently. First thing is first though, before your prayers can even be answered you have to pray!!

I took this idea from Praying for Your Elephant: Boldly Approaching Jesus with Radical and Audacious Prayer by Adam Stadtmiller (You can find it here). I have challenged my prayer group to make 10 categories and place 10 specific prayers under each categories, so 100 total, and make sure that you date them when you write them down. This will help us to be intentional with our prayers, help us to be reminded of what we need/want to be praying for, and for us to be able to see a tangible way that God is answering our prayers by being able to see what we had prayed and write ANSWERED and the date next to them. I think it is a good exercise! 

Before you start writing down your prayers I would say a prayer something like this,

"Lord, I come before you today and my heart is yearning to pray for the desires that you have placed in my heart. Please bring the Holy Spirit to give me discernment on what to pray about, help me to be specific and come before you unashamed of where I am at and what my heart cries out for. You are the author of my life, and I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made in your image! Help me to be strong and courageous if you ask me to pray for something that seems outside of my comfort zone. Wash over me with your love and tenderness as I begin this task at hand..."

Put on some worship music and praise God for all that He is. Ask Him boldly without fear of being embarrassed or rebuked harshly. You are deserving because you are His adopted child, you are chosen and loved by our Heavenly Father. You are able to do whatever He calls you to. Pray for your heart to be able to hear His gentle whispers.  Pray that you will honor God with your prayers by having the faith to move mountains, faith as big as a mustard seed.

There are so many ways to pray! You can pray scripture for yourself, your family, your church, your community, Michigan, the United States, or even worldwide! You can grab some coloring supplies and doodle a prayer to God (examples here). You can pray head to toe over those you love. You can write in a prayer journal. You can pray as you drive, or with a group of people. You can pray sitting on your couch, on your knees, or prostrate before the feet of the Lord. 

Scripture says we are to pray continually. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

NLT16 Always be joyful. 17 Never stop praying. 18 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 

NIV16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

Amplified Bible 16 Be happy [in your faith] and rejoice and be glad-hearted continually (always); 17 Be unceasing in prayer [praying perseveringly]; 18 Thank [God] in everything [no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks], for this is the will of God for you [who are] in Christ Jesus [the Revealer and Mediator of that will].

Isn't it time we embrace that scripture and live it out? Rejoice! Find gladness and joy in your faith, and continue to pray with perseverance. Do not stop praying, have a heart of prayer from the moment you wake up to the moment you lie down to sleep. Continue praying until your heart beats its last beat. Find a way to be thankful in whatever circumstance that passes your way, yes even the bad stuff, the disappointing areas. Thank God for your life, for your faith, for his plan for your life. Surrender all of you to Jesus and find a way to see the blessing in whatever comes your way!

That should be a prayer of our hearts. Take the time to pray it out and listen to God about the areas that you need to surrender to Him and share it with a woman that you love and trust. Ask them to hold you accountable. Find a prayer partner and have an open authentic Christ centered friendship with them.

If you are interested in joining a small group of women praying for God to move within our lives, the community, and across the earth please let me know! We are just getting started and we would love to have you! Do not be afraid to ask if you are interested! 

Spending Time in the Silence

Do you ever feel that spiritual "dry" times when you are no longer hearing God speak to you daily? For me my dry times are when I don't set aside time to worship Him. I forget to seek His will for my day. I put off reading the Bible. I get caught up in the stress and business of life.

And then there are times such as now, when I think that God is being silent because of all of the above. Then I hear his whisper when I finally slow down to reflect on why I haven't felt like he has been speaking to my heart as frequently.

"I am being silent because I have already told you what I wish for you to do sweet child. You are meant to do this, just act. Decide. Listen. Spend time with me, help me to direct your path. That doesn't mean I am going to show you every foot step along the journey. I will make you sure footed as a doe, I will give you reassurances along the way. But to know that you are sure-footed you have to be making steps. You have to be acting."

It is one thing to say to God, "Choose me." It is another thing to act upon which he is calling you to.
There are 2 times that I thrive for when it comes to spending time with God in our house hold. Nap time and bedtime when everyone is sleeping peacefully and the Holy Spirit says...not yet, get up, lets talk. The days I work, I will not lie it is so hard to make quiet time with God.

I am not a morning person by heart. But some days, like days I work....that may be the only time I get to experience along time with God in the quiet. Scripture and speakers on the pod casts I listen to have been talking about how people rise in the morning to spend time with God. I felt that knowing tug on my heart. And I said to God, "Surely you don't mean me. You created me, you know I am not a morning person. I already have to leave the house at 515 the mornings that I work. I get up at 4, you want me to get up at 330?"

God just wants those waking moments, whatever time it is. This season that I am in, I cannot fathom giving up another half hour of sleep when sleep is often times interrupted at least once during the middle of the night. But shouldn't we give up things for Christ? Doesn't he call us to lay down our lives for us? Doesn't he say he will strengthen us and hold our heads up? He will be our rest. I may have to wake up at 330 in the morning or get Matthew to bed and get back up to reflect on your day, praise God, find joy in your trials....or simply to spend time in God's word and hear him in the quiet. He wants you to pray, but more than that he wants you to listen. It's a relationship, it is a conversation, not a one sided dialog.

Spend time in the silence with God. Do a devotion. Listen to some worship music. If you miss church pick a day or a couple days of the week to listen to pod casts that teach Godly lessons to your soul. Reflect on what you heard with Jesus. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you, to burden your heart for what God wants you to pray for.

Praying for a Prayer Group

"Satan does not own this world, it belongs to God. He has used you as His ambassadors to make known His kingdom come, His will be done." 

Lacrae speaking on "Serving God in Our Culture" 

Focus on the Family broadcast

Sometimes I can be pretty stubborn. I question and contemplate my actions, think about consequences for each choice that I could make, and when I am walking close to Christ I really feel like I should have one of those old WWJD bracelets on. Because my heart questions what Jesus would think about x, y, or z. I love my husband the other night he said something along the lines of, "I always knew I was stubborn, but as it turns out my wife is even more so. God has to hit her over the head to know anything is from Him." It made me laugh because it is so true. 

When I was writing that last entry a week ago, I felt this prompting to start a prayer group. I knew in my heart at that point that Sue and Essie were going to take a break for the summer, I felt it was time to jump in. Over a week I mulled over if it was really from God or something I dreamed up by myself. I thought to myself, it will be myself and 9 other ladies. Ten total and I thought it would be all online, just in case Sue and Essie didn't stop group...and lets be honest the intimacy and bravery it takes to step out in faith with your prayers in front of others. I was afraid to meet face to face! There I said it (and I really do think a virtual prayer group is an awesome idea that could spread like rapid fire if we accepted the Holy Spirit to be fully present in it).

Anyways, stay with me. God is SO good that when you question yourself he will surely make you as sure-footed as a doe. He will keep you on His path by laying land markers for you to follow. My land markers were in the form of our study that I had tried to find time to do all week but failed to do due to distraction after distraction. It spoke of this missionary that went into a place of spiritual darkness, and for five years he prayed and prayed without any change. He finally talked to his mom and asked for prayer. 

She found nine women to pray for the cause along side of her. Yup a group of 10 women. Those God bumps washed over me and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. Okay God. I get it. But I didn't get it. Because as I was reflecting on the 9 women praying along side of that man's mother I volunteered to read the part in Genesis where Abraham intercedes for Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Genesis 19:22-32

The other men turned and headed toward Sodom, but the Lord remained with Abraham. Abraham approached him and said, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people living there in the city—will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sakes? Surely you wouldn’t do such a thing, destroying the righteous along with the wicked. Why, you would be treating the righteous and the wicked exactly the same! Surely you wouldn’t do that! Should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?” 

And the Lord replied, “If I find fifty righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.” 

Then Abraham spoke again. “Since I have begun, let me speak further to my Lord, even though I am but dust and ashes. Suppose there are only forty-five righteous people rather than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?” 

And the Lord said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five righteous people there.” 

Then Abraham pressed his request further. “Suppose there are only forty?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the forty.” 

“Please don’t be angry, my Lord,” Abraham pleaded. “Let me speak—suppose only thirty righteous people are found?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it if I find thirty.” 

 Then Abraham said, “Since I have dared to speak to the Lord, let me continue—suppose there are only twenty?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the twenty.” 

Finally, Abraham said, “Lord, please don’t be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.”

I missed that last part. Ten. Until Sue pointed it out when I found the courage to let my emotions bubble out of what I felt that God was calling me to. God had actually been calling me to do something. I still feel like, no no me. Are you sure? I mean I have shared my heart with this to a handful of women now and I haven't gotten a huge response. I don't want want people to join just because, I want the ones you have planned to join me...to join me. Yet, my heart questions okay what am I approaching about this wrongly? Can't you just bring the women to me? How many more do I have to share this crazy vision with before women step up and say, "Me."

I just had this reminder of the verse where God is wondering who he should send. Upon looking it up it is Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me." 

I am praying God will fill up the rest of the women that are supposed to come along side of me like ants coming out of an ant hill. That they too will have been feeling this call to pray and be willing to respond like Isaiah saying, "Here I am Lord. Send me." Even if it is like a meek child raising their hand in school, almost hoping that the teacher won't call on them.

I am certain that is what has brought me to this point, in case you are curious. I remember praying for God to use me. Is this how he is going to use me? I feel like I could throw up almost at the way that God is truly showing himself to me. Does that even make sense? Sorry for being my journal tonight. Here I am an open book. I am not perfect. I question too often, think too much. But I am called.

I am called. I am really shaking my head. I don't get it. Yet at the same time my soul cries out, use me Lord. Choose me. Guide my thoughts, prayers, and actions. Bring me to those that need to see your reflection in my life. Help me to be recklessly brave and audacious and honoring in my prayers. Help me to intentionally plant little mustard seeds of faith throughout this world that even Satan knows He is not capable of stopping the spread of your goodness even into the places where He has always had a stronghold. You are God and you are mighty, none is greater than you. It's time as Christians we start believing that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

If you have questions about the prayer group I am planning (and hoping and counting on God) to have started before the beginning of May. Please do not feel afraid to call, text, email, or Facebook. If I don't respond, ask again. And again. And again. Pray about it. Listen to the small call if you think Jesus might be asking, "Who am I going to send to pray?" Be brave enough to step into that empty space and say, "Here I am Lord. Send me." It might feel scary, but remember God has Armor ready for us to put on at a second's notice. He is always present and aware. We don't have to worry about Him sleeping on the job. And the best thing of all of it...Victory has already been won. Death has lost it's sting. We are just gathering together in pray so that more may truly see the goodness of God's glory for themselves.

This Present Darkness

I was listening to the audiobook by Peretti of “This Present Darkness” and felt myself engulfed by the reality of the truth depicted in the minutes that passed by. Spiritual warfare is alive and true, it is the world that surrounds us. Yet, we live our lives completely unware and ignorant of what is taking place. We tend to fear it. We tend to hate flesh and blood, the tangible things that we can see touch and feel. We act like only guardian angels can exist, that demons do not try to grab ahold of us. Like this hidden world around us holds no power at all. Like it is a twisted fairy tale, saved for paranormal youth fiction, not something that is true and written about in the Bible.

It’s real. Friends, the Bible speaks on it. It tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood. Black and white on paper, you cannot choose to believe one passage and forget another.

Ephesians 6:12
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

How can we believe the Bible, and not believe in the unseen war going around us?

The illustrations that was poured out of my speakers brought to life this war. From the ways the demons were thinking, how they were trying to orchestrate and change people’s thinking to make it so they were farther and farther from God…it gave me goosebumps. My heart had just been reminded about the power and goodness of Jesus at the women’s retreat, and here the book reminded me of how powerful Satan can be if we choose to allow him to have that power over us. It reminded me of how we have to pray daily and fervently for the things and people that are placed on our hearts.

The passages on prayer, the depictions of angels showing up and not letting the demons enter closely into the church. Or the battles between angels and demons. I became overwhelmed by the power of Jesus. The power of prayer…I got this heart-felt ache of what our world could be like if we were brave enough to step out of our little box we tend to place Jesus in, find the courage to truly be His vessel to share the light into the world. The Acts church. A revival. Prayer freeing people from their challenges at hand. Tears came to my eyes and my arms broke out in goosebumps that I choose to believe were God bumps. Prayer with faith even as small as a mustard seed. Isn’t it time we start believing that the book that we tend to use as a paper weight is truly a book that is filled with living and breathing promises from God to each of us that have been adopted into the Christian family.

Hebrews 4:12For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Ephesians 6:10-18The Whole Armor of GodA final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

I get so passionate about this subject because I know both sides of the coin. I lived in darkness. Depression engulfed me; I turned to Wicca, tarot cards, astrology, horoscopes, superstitions, Ouija boards, spells, scary movies. I hated, pushed away those that tried to talk to me about Jesus….even though I knew nothing about Him. I remember fear gripping me as a child, seeing dark figures cross the wall of my bedroom and the racing in my chest when I went upstairs by myself every night. I went to church with a friend when I was little but I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and that I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I remember the feeling of "importance" that came over me when I was doing all of this the things I listed because I was good at it. I truly believe I accepted the power of demons. It makes my heart ache to think about that. I walked comfortably and confidently in my beliefs. I don’t even remember what drew me in, but it drew in another friend at the same time, and we drew other girls from our school in as well. I have seen the draw of Satan, the power that he makes you believe you have. All lies, a fallacy that clung to me like iron chains. I cannot tell you how long after accepting and believing in Christ it was before I threw away my deck of tarot cards. It pained me.

I am certain the angels were rejoicing that day, because it was one step closer to me truly living my life for Jesus. I feel like I could be labeled a heretic for saying such things, but I truly believe that Jesus has something big planned for my family, for me. It takes courage to say that "out loud" because I hear the echoes that tell me I am not worthy to be called to do something for Jesus, that no one would choose to hear about Jesus through me because my past is too stained. You see, I truly believe Satan tried to send demons to draw chains around my heart to bind him to him and away from Jesus so that I could draw more people into the darkness…and away from the light of Jesus.  There is this shaking fear within me that Jesus has called me and my family something bigger that would blaze and shine Gods light, more unfathomable of what I could imagine.

And then sometimes I feel stuck, believing the lies that are thrown at me. That I am not able to be a warrior for Christ because my life is too messy, or that I am too insignificant. Isn't it time we cling to what the Bible truly says to us?

Be brave and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

While listening to This Present Darkness I would explain to James what the characters were like and the oppression the town was under. He said to me, “Kind of like Lake O?”

It washed over me, the truth in his statement. Isn't it time we stand up (or maybe even kneel) and believe that our prayers matter? Isn't it time we tell Satan to flee and pray for men and women to start listening to the cries that Jesus has for them? That the teens would experience a relationship with Jesus that is truly like a friendship and not just religion? That our churches in the community would experience a true revival. That the Holy Spirit would be present and so thick that chains would be broken, people healed, new believers coming to Christ on a weekly basis, worship that brings you to the feet of Jesus. Can you imagine a church like that? I have experienced it, and my heart aches for it once more.

I could go on and on about this topic. I am so passionate about it. I believe in prayer, that Jesus and His heavenly armies stand with us when we pray. We are more than capable, not because of ourselves, but because of Jesus and the holy gift that he gave those who believe in him, adoption into his family, a heritage that comes with ability to cast out demons, defeat addictions, heal those that are hurting, and bring forth new disciples to become fishers of men.

I am praying for you, whoever is reading this now that the Holy Spirit would come and lift you up, showing you what Jesus wishes for you. That you would feel this burden to pray for whoever it is that Jesus has placed on your heart, and he will tug at your heart until you are obedient to his calling. I am praying that you will find courage and bravery to step forward and spread the light of Jesus the way that he has planned for you. That your faith would grow from this tiny mustard seed to this bush that runs rampant and takes over all aspects of your life. Love you friends!

A Beautiful Inheritance

Tonight before bed I asked James, "Do you ever feel like God is moving and something big is going to happen but you dont know what?" I went on to tell him I would read because I couldn't sleep. My mind, soul, and heart were racing with  excitement, uncertainty,  and anticipation of the work that Jesus is going to do.

Earlier today I was listening to a broadcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss titled "A Beautiful Inheritance". Before it started I felt this feeling telling me it was going to be a good one.

It started and it was talking about the point in Joshua's life when they were casting the lots for each tribe of people. She pointed out that the chapters about dividing up the land were more than those of heroic times in Joshua's story but people seem to skip over them. Afterall, casting lots make it sound like it was really up to chance. I mean how lucky was the tribe that got huge chunks of land, and how unfortunate was the tribe that got the smallest? Isnt that how we look at our lives? How blessed is she who has xyz, and how unfortunate or cursed am I because xyz happened/didn't happen. When in reality everything is up to God.

Psalms 16:5 NLT
lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

If everything is up to God, and he works everything for good for those who love him...does that include me? I love him. Does that mean everything I have been "dealt" God had his hand on me during it all? This beautiful mess I live is an inheritance from God?

Even the years I walked without knowing him?
Yes Saul became Paul.

Even my infertility?
Yes, Hannah gave birth to Samuel. Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Elizabeth gave birth to John.

Even whatever it is that you are questioning, God was there somehow. Ask Him to show you. Where was he in that moment, how should it have or will it shape your heart to better further His kingdom? Does it add to your testimony about God's goodness? Did you allow it to, did you turn to Him in your storm?

Tonight's small group chapter was on Praising God, especially in the storms of life. Praising Him when things seem impossible. Too tough to face. How fitting for the battle that was going on within me.

Infertility rearing it's ugly head, and God reminding me once again of that gruesome image of a deep wound that had to be carefully tended and packed and unpacked in order for proper healing to take place. A month of a prayer come true. God has closed my womb to prevent a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage. That has been my prayer, for God to close my womb until he is ready to gift us another take home baby. To save us from more heartache. He came through this month, but infertility monster still reared it's head. A month of hope and a twinge of disappointment.

And Satan whispered to me, "No body wants to hear about how this is impacting your life still."

Jesus is more than enough to praise him through our infertility. He is more than enough for whatever storm or battle you are facing, even though the devil doesn't want you to know it or consistently believe it. Jesus is enough. He writes a deep complex story when your heart is aching and makes you look to Him for healing that ache or emptiness you feel. He wants you to turn to Him so he can heal you. He wants the lot he cast to you to be a blessing, to have you see the beautiful inheritance he has passed on to you.

Otherwise before you know it that wound that needs to be packed and unpacked could cause damage to surrounding tissue without treatment, infection could start, and the pain can grow more intense.

Let God work in your life. Trust that he is Lord over all. That He is sovereign. Sovereign? Supreme, absolute, almighty, unlimited, unrestricted, boundless, timeless, royalty, and  unconditional.  He is all of that for me. And you.

I need to sleep. I work in the morning. But my mind was racing, my heart aching for God. I started this post before group. I knew I needed to read. Remember what I said about casting lost earlier....it came up in my reading. That's definitely God. God sighting at almost midnight.

"I didn’t need to pound on the doors of heaven in the hope that some house steward might add my name to a list. I didn’t need to recite my request over and over or hoist rocks over a high wall behind which a legion of servants might one day carry my petition to the King. Nor did I need to shrug at the lot I’d been cast, stretching wider Scripture’s definition of sovereignty."
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sarah Hagerty.

I don't need to come before God like a beggar but to come before him knowing He is almighty and clinging to the promises of Romans 8:28. God knows my heart, he knows the desires. He knows the pain. He knows the outcome of the chapter he is writing in my life. I just need to trust expectantly that he is passing on the inheritance to me that is for me and not wish for the one that he is handing out to others.

My life might be a mess most days. It might seem awful disappointing some days. But God is writing my story. He is using my aches and pains to draw me closer to Him. He is using the storms of this life to lead me to him for shelter and strength. And that is a greater inheritance than all the earthly possessions in this world. Every bitter thing can taste sweet, and my mess truly is a beautiful inheritance.

Weekend with Jesus - Part 5

What area did God want to heal in me?

I sat there praying, letting God know that I knew in my heart of hearts that he was El Roi - the God who sees, but also Jehova Rapha - the God who heals. Slowly I got this image of this clear, familiar path. It looked comfortable, well traveled.

And then I heard God whisper, "That has been the path you have been on. The path of Bitterness."

It cut at me. I let Jesus know that I wanted to leave this path, to follow Him.

He showed me this overgrown path. It was covered with brambles, thorns, weeds, huge bushes. And I felt Jesus say, this is what you have let our walk together become.

My heart sank. I knew what he was tenderly telling my soul was right.

I prayed that he would make a path for me in the wilderness that was my soul's walk with Him, and let the path of bitterness become so overpowered by brambles, thorns, and bushes that I will never again be able to walk that path with ease and comfort.

Before this weekend I thought bitterness didn't have a foothold in my soul anymore. I thought I was just feeling down from the winter, from experiencing two losses through the holidays. I thought I was just the new "me". One that I wasn't too fond of. I thought the hurt of infertility had just damaged me. I was too wounded to have relationships with other women that didn't know what I had been going through. Lies. Lies that bound my heart in chains as I continued on that well traveled path away from God.

I don't know why I turn away from the presence of God. I know how GOOD he truly is. I know how horrible it feels to be outside of his presence and will for my life...yet I find myself on that path time and time again.

I think it is fear, and not the reverence type of fear towards God, but rather the fear that I will be too much, or not enough. The fear of being present before the feet of God while I work through my many emotions of anger, exhaustion, and that questioning that bubbles up in my soul from time to time of "Why me? Am I not 'good enough'? Why do you bless them, and you leave me to struggle?" The fear of being not enough for whatever it is that He is calling me to be. Too much and not enough.

It made me think of Peter. How so often I think I have the strength and am feeling filled with faith and mighty enough to join Jesus on the water, and then soon as the waves of life come....my eyes fall from His face, uncertainty fills my heart, soul, and mind. Then I am left feeling like Jesus has let me fall into the water, thrashing around in the mighty waves. When the truth is, Jesus was there all the time. He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. Wishing I would have the faith to stand.

In that moment it truly washed over me. How faithful God is. How mighty Jesus was to die for you and me. That Jesus promised that he would make my burdens easy and my yoke be light. He doesn't promise no suffering, but that in Him we will find the strength to carry on. Because of Jesus Sin has no power, he conquered the grave. The enemy has been defeated. Jesus has been victorious, and because of this YOU can be victorious. And so can I.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Leaving the retreat there was literally this weight off my shoulders, I have only experienced this one other time in my entire life. It was freeing. Life since the retreat hasn't changed much. Except I am trying to be more intentional at finding more time in my day for Jesus. Be it praying for myself and others, or soaking up the wisdom from The Bible. The world doesn't seem so gloomy any longer. God has truly placed a new song on my lips. And for that I am so thankful.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in Him.

Psalm 40:1-3