Spending Time in the Silence

Do you ever feel that spiritual "dry" times when you are no longer hearing God speak to you daily? For me my dry times are when I don't set aside time to worship Him. I forget to seek His will for my day. I put off reading the Bible. I get caught up in the stress and business of life.

And then there are times such as now, when I think that God is being silent because of all of the above. Then I hear his whisper when I finally slow down to reflect on why I haven't felt like he has been speaking to my heart as frequently.

"I am being silent because I have already told you what I wish for you to do sweet child. You are meant to do this, just act. Decide. Listen. Spend time with me, help me to direct your path. That doesn't mean I am going to show you every foot step along the journey. I will make you sure footed as a doe, I will give you reassurances along the way. But to know that you are sure-footed you have to be making steps. You have to be acting."

It is one thing to say to God, "Choose me." It is another thing to act upon which he is calling you to.
There are 2 times that I thrive for when it comes to spending time with God in our house hold. Nap time and bedtime when everyone is sleeping peacefully and the Holy Spirit says...not yet, get up, lets talk. The days I work, I will not lie it is so hard to make quiet time with God.

I am not a morning person by heart. But some days, like days I work....that may be the only time I get to experience along time with God in the quiet. Scripture and speakers on the pod casts I listen to have been talking about how people rise in the morning to spend time with God. I felt that knowing tug on my heart. And I said to God, "Surely you don't mean me. You created me, you know I am not a morning person. I already have to leave the house at 515 the mornings that I work. I get up at 4, you want me to get up at 330?"

God just wants those waking moments, whatever time it is. This season that I am in, I cannot fathom giving up another half hour of sleep when sleep is often times interrupted at least once during the middle of the night. But shouldn't we give up things for Christ? Doesn't he call us to lay down our lives for us? Doesn't he say he will strengthen us and hold our heads up? He will be our rest. I may have to wake up at 330 in the morning or get Matthew to bed and get back up to reflect on your day, praise God, find joy in your trials....or simply to spend time in God's word and hear him in the quiet. He wants you to pray, but more than that he wants you to listen. It's a relationship, it is a conversation, not a one sided dialog.

Spend time in the silence with God. Do a devotion. Listen to some worship music. If you miss church pick a day or a couple days of the week to listen to pod casts that teach Godly lessons to your soul. Reflect on what you heard with Jesus. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you, to burden your heart for what God wants you to pray for.

Praying for a Prayer Group

"Satan does not own this world, it belongs to God. He has used you as His ambassadors to make known His kingdom come, His will be done." 

Lacrae speaking on "Serving God in Our Culture" 

Focus on the Family broadcast

Sometimes I can be pretty stubborn. I question and contemplate my actions, think about consequences for each choice that I could make, and when I am walking close to Christ I really feel like I should have one of those old WWJD bracelets on. Because my heart questions what Jesus would think about x, y, or z. I love my husband the other night he said something along the lines of, "I always knew I was stubborn, but as it turns out my wife is even more so. God has to hit her over the head to know anything is from Him." It made me laugh because it is so true. 

When I was writing that last entry a week ago, I felt this prompting to start a prayer group. I knew in my heart at that point that Sue and Essie were going to take a break for the summer, I felt it was time to jump in. Over a week I mulled over if it was really from God or something I dreamed up by myself. I thought to myself, it will be myself and 9 other ladies. Ten total and I thought it would be all online, just in case Sue and Essie didn't stop group...and lets be honest the intimacy and bravery it takes to step out in faith with your prayers in front of others. I was afraid to meet face to face! There I said it (and I really do think a virtual prayer group is an awesome idea that could spread like rapid fire if we accepted the Holy Spirit to be fully present in it).

Anyways, stay with me. God is SO good that when you question yourself he will surely make you as sure-footed as a doe. He will keep you on His path by laying land markers for you to follow. My land markers were in the form of our study that I had tried to find time to do all week but failed to do due to distraction after distraction. It spoke of this missionary that went into a place of spiritual darkness, and for five years he prayed and prayed without any change. He finally talked to his mom and asked for prayer. 

She found nine women to pray for the cause along side of her. Yup a group of 10 women. Those God bumps washed over me and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. Okay God. I get it. But I didn't get it. Because as I was reflecting on the 9 women praying along side of that man's mother I volunteered to read the part in Genesis where Abraham intercedes for Sodom and Gomorrah. 

Genesis 19:22-32

The other men turned and headed toward Sodom, but the Lord remained with Abraham. Abraham approached him and said, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people living there in the city—will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sakes? Surely you wouldn’t do such a thing, destroying the righteous along with the wicked. Why, you would be treating the righteous and the wicked exactly the same! Surely you wouldn’t do that! Should not the Judge of all the earth do what is right?” 

And the Lord replied, “If I find fifty righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.” 

Then Abraham spoke again. “Since I have begun, let me speak further to my Lord, even though I am but dust and ashes. Suppose there are only forty-five righteous people rather than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?” 

And the Lord said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five righteous people there.” 

Then Abraham pressed his request further. “Suppose there are only forty?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the forty.” 

“Please don’t be angry, my Lord,” Abraham pleaded. “Let me speak—suppose only thirty righteous people are found?” 

And the Lord replied, “I will not destroy it if I find thirty.” 

 Then Abraham said, “Since I have dared to speak to the Lord, let me continue—suppose there are only twenty?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the twenty.” 

Finally, Abraham said, “Lord, please don’t be angry with me if I speak one more time. Suppose only ten are found there?” 

And the Lord replied, “Then I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.”

I missed that last part. Ten. Until Sue pointed it out when I found the courage to let my emotions bubble out of what I felt that God was calling me to. God had actually been calling me to do something. I still feel like, no no me. Are you sure? I mean I have shared my heart with this to a handful of women now and I haven't gotten a huge response. I don't want want people to join just because, I want the ones you have planned to join me...to join me. Yet, my heart questions okay what am I approaching about this wrongly? Can't you just bring the women to me? How many more do I have to share this crazy vision with before women step up and say, "Me."

I just had this reminder of the verse where God is wondering who he should send. Upon looking it up it is Isaiah 6:8

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me." 

I am praying God will fill up the rest of the women that are supposed to come along side of me like ants coming out of an ant hill. That they too will have been feeling this call to pray and be willing to respond like Isaiah saying, "Here I am Lord. Send me." Even if it is like a meek child raising their hand in school, almost hoping that the teacher won't call on them.

I am certain that is what has brought me to this point, in case you are curious. I remember praying for God to use me. Is this how he is going to use me? I feel like I could throw up almost at the way that God is truly showing himself to me. Does that even make sense? Sorry for being my journal tonight. Here I am an open book. I am not perfect. I question too often, think too much. But I am called.

I am called. I am really shaking my head. I don't get it. Yet at the same time my soul cries out, use me Lord. Choose me. Guide my thoughts, prayers, and actions. Bring me to those that need to see your reflection in my life. Help me to be recklessly brave and audacious and honoring in my prayers. Help me to intentionally plant little mustard seeds of faith throughout this world that even Satan knows He is not capable of stopping the spread of your goodness even into the places where He has always had a stronghold. You are God and you are mighty, none is greater than you. It's time as Christians we start believing that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.

If you have questions about the prayer group I am planning (and hoping and counting on God) to have started before the beginning of May. Please do not feel afraid to call, text, email, or Facebook. If I don't respond, ask again. And again. And again. Pray about it. Listen to the small call if you think Jesus might be asking, "Who am I going to send to pray?" Be brave enough to step into that empty space and say, "Here I am Lord. Send me." It might feel scary, but remember God has Armor ready for us to put on at a second's notice. He is always present and aware. We don't have to worry about Him sleeping on the job. And the best thing of all of it...Victory has already been won. Death has lost it's sting. We are just gathering together in pray so that more may truly see the goodness of God's glory for themselves.

This Present Darkness

I was listening to the audiobook by Peretti of “This Present Darkness” and felt myself engulfed by the reality of the truth depicted in the minutes that passed by. Spiritual warfare is alive and true, it is the world that surrounds us. Yet, we live our lives completely unware and ignorant of what is taking place. We tend to fear it. We tend to hate flesh and blood, the tangible things that we can see touch and feel. We act like only guardian angels can exist, that demons do not try to grab ahold of us. Like this hidden world around us holds no power at all. Like it is a twisted fairy tale, saved for paranormal youth fiction, not something that is true and written about in the Bible.

It’s real. Friends, the Bible speaks on it. It tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood. Black and white on paper, you cannot choose to believe one passage and forget another.

Ephesians 6:12
For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

How can we believe the Bible, and not believe in the unseen war going around us?

The illustrations that was poured out of my speakers brought to life this war. From the ways the demons were thinking, how they were trying to orchestrate and change people’s thinking to make it so they were farther and farther from God…it gave me goosebumps. My heart had just been reminded about the power and goodness of Jesus at the women’s retreat, and here the book reminded me of how powerful Satan can be if we choose to allow him to have that power over us. It reminded me of how we have to pray daily and fervently for the things and people that are placed on our hearts.

The passages on prayer, the depictions of angels showing up and not letting the demons enter closely into the church. Or the battles between angels and demons. I became overwhelmed by the power of Jesus. The power of prayer…I got this heart-felt ache of what our world could be like if we were brave enough to step out of our little box we tend to place Jesus in, find the courage to truly be His vessel to share the light into the world. The Acts church. A revival. Prayer freeing people from their challenges at hand. Tears came to my eyes and my arms broke out in goosebumps that I choose to believe were God bumps. Prayer with faith even as small as a mustard seed. Isn’t it time we start believing that the book that we tend to use as a paper weight is truly a book that is filled with living and breathing promises from God to each of us that have been adopted into the Christian family.

Hebrews 4:12For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Ephesians 6:10-18The Whole Armor of GodA final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.  For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.

I get so passionate about this subject because I know both sides of the coin. I lived in darkness. Depression engulfed me; I turned to Wicca, tarot cards, astrology, horoscopes, superstitions, Ouija boards, spells, scary movies. I hated, pushed away those that tried to talk to me about Jesus….even though I knew nothing about Him. I remember fear gripping me as a child, seeing dark figures cross the wall of my bedroom and the racing in my chest when I went upstairs by myself every night. I went to church with a friend when I was little but I remember feeling like I was in a cloud and that I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I remember the feeling of "importance" that came over me when I was doing all of this the things I listed because I was good at it. I truly believe I accepted the power of demons. It makes my heart ache to think about that. I walked comfortably and confidently in my beliefs. I don’t even remember what drew me in, but it drew in another friend at the same time, and we drew other girls from our school in as well. I have seen the draw of Satan, the power that he makes you believe you have. All lies, a fallacy that clung to me like iron chains. I cannot tell you how long after accepting and believing in Christ it was before I threw away my deck of tarot cards. It pained me.

I am certain the angels were rejoicing that day, because it was one step closer to me truly living my life for Jesus. I feel like I could be labeled a heretic for saying such things, but I truly believe that Jesus has something big planned for my family, for me. It takes courage to say that "out loud" because I hear the echoes that tell me I am not worthy to be called to do something for Jesus, that no one would choose to hear about Jesus through me because my past is too stained. You see, I truly believe Satan tried to send demons to draw chains around my heart to bind him to him and away from Jesus so that I could draw more people into the darkness…and away from the light of Jesus.  There is this shaking fear within me that Jesus has called me and my family something bigger that would blaze and shine Gods light, more unfathomable of what I could imagine.

And then sometimes I feel stuck, believing the lies that are thrown at me. That I am not able to be a warrior for Christ because my life is too messy, or that I am too insignificant. Isn't it time we cling to what the Bible truly says to us?

Be brave and courageous, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

While listening to This Present Darkness I would explain to James what the characters were like and the oppression the town was under. He said to me, “Kind of like Lake O?”

It washed over me, the truth in his statement. Isn't it time we stand up (or maybe even kneel) and believe that our prayers matter? Isn't it time we tell Satan to flee and pray for men and women to start listening to the cries that Jesus has for them? That the teens would experience a relationship with Jesus that is truly like a friendship and not just religion? That our churches in the community would experience a true revival. That the Holy Spirit would be present and so thick that chains would be broken, people healed, new believers coming to Christ on a weekly basis, worship that brings you to the feet of Jesus. Can you imagine a church like that? I have experienced it, and my heart aches for it once more.

I could go on and on about this topic. I am so passionate about it. I believe in prayer, that Jesus and His heavenly armies stand with us when we pray. We are more than capable, not because of ourselves, but because of Jesus and the holy gift that he gave those who believe in him, adoption into his family, a heritage that comes with ability to cast out demons, defeat addictions, heal those that are hurting, and bring forth new disciples to become fishers of men.

I am praying for you, whoever is reading this now that the Holy Spirit would come and lift you up, showing you what Jesus wishes for you. That you would feel this burden to pray for whoever it is that Jesus has placed on your heart, and he will tug at your heart until you are obedient to his calling. I am praying that you will find courage and bravery to step forward and spread the light of Jesus the way that he has planned for you. That your faith would grow from this tiny mustard seed to this bush that runs rampant and takes over all aspects of your life. Love you friends!

A Beautiful Inheritance

Tonight before bed I asked James, "Do you ever feel like God is moving and something big is going to happen but you dont know what?" I went on to tell him I would read because I couldn't sleep. My mind, soul, and heart were racing with  excitement, uncertainty,  and anticipation of the work that Jesus is going to do.

Earlier today I was listening to a broadcast by Nancy Leigh DeMoss titled "A Beautiful Inheritance". Before it started I felt this feeling telling me it was going to be a good one.

It started and it was talking about the point in Joshua's life when they were casting the lots for each tribe of people. She pointed out that the chapters about dividing up the land were more than those of heroic times in Joshua's story but people seem to skip over them. Afterall, casting lots make it sound like it was really up to chance. I mean how lucky was the tribe that got huge chunks of land, and how unfortunate was the tribe that got the smallest? Isnt that how we look at our lives? How blessed is she who has xyz, and how unfortunate or cursed am I because xyz happened/didn't happen. When in reality everything is up to God.

Psalms 16:5 NLT
lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine.

If everything is up to God, and he works everything for good for those who love him...does that include me? I love him. Does that mean everything I have been "dealt" God had his hand on me during it all? This beautiful mess I live is an inheritance from God?

Even the years I walked without knowing him?
Yes Saul became Paul.

Even my infertility?
Yes, Hannah gave birth to Samuel. Sarah gave birth to Isaac. Elizabeth gave birth to John.

Even whatever it is that you are questioning, God was there somehow. Ask Him to show you. Where was he in that moment, how should it have or will it shape your heart to better further His kingdom? Does it add to your testimony about God's goodness? Did you allow it to, did you turn to Him in your storm?

Tonight's small group chapter was on Praising God, especially in the storms of life. Praising Him when things seem impossible. Too tough to face. How fitting for the battle that was going on within me.

Infertility rearing it's ugly head, and God reminding me once again of that gruesome image of a deep wound that had to be carefully tended and packed and unpacked in order for proper healing to take place. A month of a prayer come true. God has closed my womb to prevent a pregnancy that would end in miscarriage. That has been my prayer, for God to close my womb until he is ready to gift us another take home baby. To save us from more heartache. He came through this month, but infertility monster still reared it's head. A month of hope and a twinge of disappointment.

And Satan whispered to me, "No body wants to hear about how this is impacting your life still."

Jesus is more than enough to praise him through our infertility. He is more than enough for whatever storm or battle you are facing, even though the devil doesn't want you to know it or consistently believe it. Jesus is enough. He writes a deep complex story when your heart is aching and makes you look to Him for healing that ache or emptiness you feel. He wants you to turn to Him so he can heal you. He wants the lot he cast to you to be a blessing, to have you see the beautiful inheritance he has passed on to you.

Otherwise before you know it that wound that needs to be packed and unpacked could cause damage to surrounding tissue without treatment, infection could start, and the pain can grow more intense.

Let God work in your life. Trust that he is Lord over all. That He is sovereign. Sovereign? Supreme, absolute, almighty, unlimited, unrestricted, boundless, timeless, royalty, and  unconditional.  He is all of that for me. And you.

I need to sleep. I work in the morning. But my mind was racing, my heart aching for God. I started this post before group. I knew I needed to read. Remember what I said about casting lost earlier....it came up in my reading. That's definitely God. God sighting at almost midnight.

"I didn’t need to pound on the doors of heaven in the hope that some house steward might add my name to a list. I didn’t need to recite my request over and over or hoist rocks over a high wall behind which a legion of servants might one day carry my petition to the King. Nor did I need to shrug at the lot I’d been cast, stretching wider Scripture’s definition of sovereignty."
Every Bitter Thing is Sweet by Sarah Hagerty.

I don't need to come before God like a beggar but to come before him knowing He is almighty and clinging to the promises of Romans 8:28. God knows my heart, he knows the desires. He knows the pain. He knows the outcome of the chapter he is writing in my life. I just need to trust expectantly that he is passing on the inheritance to me that is for me and not wish for the one that he is handing out to others.

My life might be a mess most days. It might seem awful disappointing some days. But God is writing my story. He is using my aches and pains to draw me closer to Him. He is using the storms of this life to lead me to him for shelter and strength. And that is a greater inheritance than all the earthly possessions in this world. Every bitter thing can taste sweet, and my mess truly is a beautiful inheritance.

Weekend with Jesus - Part 5

What area did God want to heal in me?

I sat there praying, letting God know that I knew in my heart of hearts that he was El Roi - the God who sees, but also Jehova Rapha - the God who heals. Slowly I got this image of this clear, familiar path. It looked comfortable, well traveled.

And then I heard God whisper, "That has been the path you have been on. The path of Bitterness."

It cut at me. I let Jesus know that I wanted to leave this path, to follow Him.

He showed me this overgrown path. It was covered with brambles, thorns, weeds, huge bushes. And I felt Jesus say, this is what you have let our walk together become.

My heart sank. I knew what he was tenderly telling my soul was right.

I prayed that he would make a path for me in the wilderness that was my soul's walk with Him, and let the path of bitterness become so overpowered by brambles, thorns, and bushes that I will never again be able to walk that path with ease and comfort.

Before this weekend I thought bitterness didn't have a foothold in my soul anymore. I thought I was just feeling down from the winter, from experiencing two losses through the holidays. I thought I was just the new "me". One that I wasn't too fond of. I thought the hurt of infertility had just damaged me. I was too wounded to have relationships with other women that didn't know what I had been going through. Lies. Lies that bound my heart in chains as I continued on that well traveled path away from God.

I don't know why I turn away from the presence of God. I know how GOOD he truly is. I know how horrible it feels to be outside of his presence and will for my life...yet I find myself on that path time and time again.

I think it is fear, and not the reverence type of fear towards God, but rather the fear that I will be too much, or not enough. The fear of being present before the feet of God while I work through my many emotions of anger, exhaustion, and that questioning that bubbles up in my soul from time to time of "Why me? Am I not 'good enough'? Why do you bless them, and you leave me to struggle?" The fear of being not enough for whatever it is that He is calling me to be. Too much and not enough.

It made me think of Peter. How so often I think I have the strength and am feeling filled with faith and mighty enough to join Jesus on the water, and then soon as the waves of life come....my eyes fall from His face, uncertainty fills my heart, soul, and mind. Then I am left feeling like Jesus has let me fall into the water, thrashing around in the mighty waves. When the truth is, Jesus was there all the time. He was right there waiting for me to ask for help. Wishing I would have the faith to stand.

In that moment it truly washed over me. How faithful God is. How mighty Jesus was to die for you and me. That Jesus promised that he would make my burdens easy and my yoke be light. He doesn't promise no suffering, but that in Him we will find the strength to carry on. Because of Jesus Sin has no power, he conquered the grave. The enemy has been defeated. Jesus has been victorious, and because of this YOU can be victorious. And so can I.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

Leaving the retreat there was literally this weight off my shoulders, I have only experienced this one other time in my entire life. It was freeing. Life since the retreat hasn't changed much. Except I am trying to be more intentional at finding more time in my day for Jesus. Be it praying for myself and others, or soaking up the wisdom from The Bible. The world doesn't seem so gloomy any longer. God has truly placed a new song on my lips. And for that I am so thankful.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in Him.

Psalm 40:1-3

Weekend with Jesus - Part 4

A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb,

But to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.

Proverbs 27:7

We got back to our lodge Saturday night after all the emotional breakthroughs. I was exhausted, but thought I needed to balance out all that emotion by connecting with other women and laughing, smiling, and enjoying the life that Jesus gave me. I had been looking forward to games, but instead they pulled out questions like conversation starters. I listened for a bit and participated but soon my head started yearning for my pillow. I was tired.

I got into my bed and felt a little nudge. I looked to make sure I had read my devotion for the day. And then saw one of the books on my kindle app. "Every Bitter Thing is Sweet" by Sara Hagerty. I felt another nudge, read it. I thought, are you sure? I am so tired. But my mind was racing.

As laughter fell on my ears from the living room area, God tugged at my heart. Proverbs 27:7 was the first verse in the book. I was SO hungry for God. The first chapter was on Sara's walk though infertility. She knew my heart, it was there on the screen before my eyes! She knew my pain. What it was like to be around other women when they had children, and to feel left out of the "club". She also made another good point, that I so often forget to apply to others. She said, "Like most pain, until you have known it for yourself, you are blind to it." Women didn't mean to hurt me in their laughter and joy talking about babies, labor, delivery, or saying things like "You can have one of mine!" They weren't trying to be insensitive. They were simply blind to my pain, because they hadn't walked it, or had someone show them what the path was even like. 

She didn't hide her pain, her hurts, or her tears. I loved these paragraphs

But I was finding Him. In the places I had feared most and spent a lifetime avoiding. He was meeting me. My worst, my very worst moments were getting rewritten without circumstances changing.....He was showing me Himself as strong enough. He was letting me hide in Him, letting me find a safe place. 

And so I cradled my midnight questions while mamas cradled their babies, and I let God's psalms tell me He cradled the answer in Himself. I felt forgotten, but I heard God speak that He had not left me. I felt weak, but I heard Him promise an overshadowing. I felt anxious that my constant fumbling would annoy him, but I heard Him say He delighted in me. 

And I felt hungry. 

....I wasn't this hungry when I had a life easily explained, easily predicted. 

I wasn't this hungry when everyone understood me. 

Pain had created space. Space to want more. Space to taste a sense of being alive.

I don't know about you, but to be honest...my faith doesn't always ever grow in the leaps and bounds like it does when I am faced with trials, tragedies, or heartache.  Sometimes I think it is Jesus just trying to awaken that fire he has placed inside of me, the one that has left smoldering by life instead of igniting others nearby. And the devil spends all his days trying to figure out ways to squelch that fire so I won't exude God's greatness, so I won't be able to tell others that they are listening to lies and not the truth.

The evil one has definitely found good ammo towards me: Bitterness. It stops the connection with Christ, literally I stop speaking with Him. I stop praying. I draw away from others that may tell me about Him. It isn't intentional. It is just the manipulative way that the devil grabs a hold of me, and draws me away from the presence of God. Just like that. He uses life circumstances to say, "See God doesn't care. Where was he when that happened?" or "That person doesn't care, so why should you?When was the last time you got a text, or an email, or a call from that person?" Simple as that. And instead of fighting it with God's word, I feel disheartened and let the lies overcome my heart and mind.

The last session at the retreat was about finding Healing in Jesus. Just like the night before, Jesus showed up. Just like he always does when we call on Him. Even if it isn't in ways that we wish or expect.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.

James 4:8

I had given up on God's promises for me, like the whispers from not only the evil one in my ear, but the world in general. The words of well meaning friends or coworkers. I lent my ear to what they had to say instead of searching my heart, pouring over scripture, and listening to what God was telling me.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, 

for God can be trusted to keep His promise.

Hebrews 10:23

Fiona quoted Hebrews 10:19-22. She spoke about how we should carry the confidence to join God beyond that curtain, the same curtain that Jesus tore down for us in His death on the cross. How can we hang out in the hallway, instead of joining Christ at the alter? Why are we not taking the effort? Why are we not being determined? After all if a King invited you to see him in this life, would you debate about what your reply would be? So how can we continue to ignore Jesus? Why do we believe the lies of Satan that we are not Holy enough to enter? Jesus washed us clean, he has paid the price...and the door is wide open for us. Yet, so many of us continue to be content just hanging out in the hall instead of joining him in an intimate relationship. 

For me, it is because I believed the lie that I was strong enough to face life and all the challenges it brought me on my own. I believed the lie that I didn't feel the connections at our new church because no one cared about me. I believed the lie that I didn't need Christian women in my life because it was too hard being around them when no one knew what my pain was like. 

Just reading it, doesn't it sound vile and that I should have been able to see right through it? But I didn't. So I craved Jesus at times, but made excuses why going to small group just wasn't worth it each Monday. I saw women with their multiple children and thought, they really don't want to know about how infertility is still hurting my heart and my walk with the Lord. I said yes to working more Sundays, without evaluating why it was getting so easy to say Yes to work, and No to Jesus. 

Let us not neglect meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, 

especially now that the day of His return is drawing near.

Hebrews 10:25

I need other women. I need to spend time with those that share the same love of God. I need to make time for Christ and spend time encouraging others and allow them to encourage me. 

Fiona poised this question, and I will ask you it too...Who is God asking you to pray for and with? Don't just flippantly ask the question, but pray over it. Expect him to show up. I will be honest, so many came to my mind at first. Those that I wish knew Jesus. But the one that stuck, was the woman that was there that weekend. The same women that I had started to listen to His promptings months ago to write her a little post-card. That's as far as the letter got. Written, but not sent. I now feel God saying, see I made a way still. Had you listened to me...the journey to get her to come would have been SO much easier. Pray for those that Jesus puts on your mind, and obey when he calls you to do something. The names don't just pop into your head out of no where. Believe that it is Jesus, and follow his lead. When you are afraid to obey, be bold and step out in faith.

At this point, the lyrics of "Shout Unto God" came to  my mind. I meditated on them. 

The enemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold You down,

Gonna lift my voice in victory, going to make our praises loud

Death hadn't kept Jesus away from me. He defeated Satan just like that. He already has won, victory is ours. Why do I live like I don't know who is going to win the battle?

At this point Fiona asked us to take and write on a sticky note, what we wanted to give to God and/or what we felt like God was trying to give to us and we wanted to receive it. Then take it to the cross and pin it there.

When I told James about this exercise, he asked me if I had to use a whole stack of sticky notes. Hardy har har. Such a jokester, but he knows my heart. So indecisive usually....but God was moving. The Holy Spirit had rained down once more. 

I will tell you what I wrote...I wanted to give him my pain, bitterness, and sorrow. And that I accepted from Him the challenge to be Recklessly Bold and to find the ability once more to find Joy in Trials. Ugh, that last one was so hard to write out. I sat and looked at it. And even re-wrote it. Unsure if I was truly up for that challenge. Even now I feel that pit in my stomach, like "What were you thinking? Do you know what you have accepted? Do you realize that you are saying you will follow Jesus WHEREVER  He takes you? You are nuts. Plain and simple. Crazy."

As if I didn't have those questions and statements running through my head, I got up to the cross...and my tack would not go in. Seriously, I pushed and pushed and pushed. I had to pick 2 or 3 different spots before I could get that darn thing to stay up on the cross. Now I realize it was God saying, "This isn't going to be easy. Are you sure you want to put your trust in me? Are you sure you are ready to let go and let me rule over every aspect of your life?" I pushed on, and that's what we have to do in this life. 

The enemy has been defeated. But he wants us to believe he hasn't. Death couldn't hold Jesus in the grave. But the enemy wants us to believe he didn't die for us, or that he has forgotten about us. You may want to lift your voice, or your hands in praise and claim the victory that Jesus has done in your life. But Satan will do everything in his power to talk you out of it. He will tell you your story isn't important. That you will look or feel stupid if you open your heart. He will whisper these lies to you until you believe them, unless you guard your heart with the scripture you should have treasured inside of it.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

But I tell you, I have come to give you a rich and satisfying life.

John 10:10

He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

1 John 4:4

God has called us to fervent prayers, he asks us to come to him expectantly with big bold prayers. Because He who is in YOU is greater than he who is in the world. He is an overcomer, and that gives you the ability to overcome. You can do it. 

I really want to keep going, but I feel like this post has gotten too long already. In reality, God probably just wants me to ponder over that last day a little bit longer before I write about it. So I leave you with this question to pray about. What area does God want to heal in you? Ask him, come boldly before him, and ask him what area in you life would he wish to lay hands on you and heal? Anything. Nothing is too big, or too small. Because our God is greater than death itself, and he can overcome anything in this world. To top it off, he finds you oh so worthy. 

Weekend with Jesus - Part 3

At this point the events are beginning to blend together. I had came into the weekend not naming the hurts associated with infertility as bitterness...but Jesus showed me that indeed was what my pain, waiting, and tears had turned into once again. It made my soul cry out to Jesus. I was once more where I swore I would never again be. 

I wondered why it felt like things felt so out of order when reflecting on things. It seems that I have went a bit out of order. Missing my notes on Giving God Your Future. Must have been God's plan, that I needed to reflect on the every day walk with Jesus sooner, rather than later. Regardless, seeing the name of this session at hand made my heart hurt. Infertility causes you to question even the simplest of things. Such as how, if, and when Jesus will choose to help you grow your family. It cut to the deepest parts of my soul where the pain had been so deep, that it was seeping into all areas of my life. Like poison in a rushing river, flooding into all the connecting bodies of water.

The first truth that Fiona spoke over us was that we are all adopted children of God, and to trust in the future God has planned for us means trusting that he is a good parent.

Let that wash over you. How much of your future do you cling on to as your own, not letting God have full reign over it? Do you think of yourself as a good parent? Think about the moments when you try to guard your child from danger and bless them, the dreams that you have for them....God wishes the same for you and me. Does it leave you feeling speechless? Because at times it makes me feel that way.

Adoption doesn't happen by accident. Think of adoption in this world. When it is chosen, there is often tons of paperwork to file, time to wait, and it is SO expensive. It is costly on all fronts, you invest in it with your emotions, time, and money. All for the hope of your future child. And in spite of all of the struggle we do it for the joy we anticipate will come to us in the form of a little child.

Ephesians 1:5
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

God used His Son, Jesus Christ, to stand in the gap for us. He used His blood to adopt us into His family. Why? Because he wanted to do it. Because it gave him great pleasure. It gave Him joy that he could finally know you and me. 

Giving God our future can be scary, much like giving Him our pasts. And while the past holds what we already know has happened, the future is a bit more complex. The future holds paths unbeknownst to us. The "what ifs" can become overwhelming to think about at times. The only"what if" we should ponder though is What IF we trusted God will all of our future. What if we held onto the promise that we are chosen and loved? What if we chose to turn our ears away from Satan and remember the promises God has written for us? What if we truly believed in Jeremiah 29:11 in our hearts?

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

We are called to give our heart to Christ so that he can mold us into a new creation.

2 Corinthians 5:17
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

How does this new life begin? Lets look at Romans 8:14-17

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. 

 When God adopted you and I he sent the Holy Spirit into our lives, much like an adoption certificate, staking claim on our soul, stating that God is our father in heaven. A certificate that makes us sons and daughters of the one true King. A heir that will not only see the glory of God, but also have their hearts break for what breaks God's heart. You will see suffering. And somehow we have to make sure that our eyes stay above the water on Jesus while going through them, if not your heart strays. Let me tell you, I speak from experience.

Isaiah 43:2
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.    I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters,    I will be with you.When you go through rivers of difficulty,    you will not drown.When you walk through the fire of oppression,    you will not be burned up;    the flames will not consume you.

Cling to God's promises. Hope in Him alone. Do not let your heart stray from His path. Do not let the murky waters of the future take away your hope and zeal for life. When worries try to invade remind yourself of these verses:

Psalm 39:7And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?    My only hope is in you.

1 Peter 5:7Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.

Matthew 6:33-34Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Seeking the kingdom of God means our eyes are fixed on what our heavenly father sees, not just on what we believe we need or want, but what others may need as well. Every little thing, not just the big things. It doesn't say, cast only the big things on God, it says cast ALL your cares on Him. It doesn't say He will give you everything you want, but you will have all that you NEED.

Fiona compared this life to camping. It is temporary. The only reason we can enjoy this life is because we know it is temporary. That one day we will be able to go home. It is much more enjoyable when keep our eyes on the fact that this is NOT our home. Look at 2 Corinthians 5:1-10 It's a good one, I promise. Maybe it will explain what I am trying to say here better than my words are expressing.

2 Corinthians 5:1
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 

 Saturday night God healed so many wounds within my heart. I cannot say that one day I won't pick back open the scabs or scars and have to look to Jesus to once again heal what has been causing me pain. So often I have felt like God wasn't hearing my prayers. I had been in a dry season. Where I listened to Satan whispering to me at every turn that even though I was still hurting people didn't want to hear about my hurts. That I was strong enough to face them alone. I couldn't connect with other women because of the scar tissue that had encased my heart in sorrow, bitterness, and unworthiness. I had been feeling like God really didn't care about me. Otherwise why in the bloody hell would he let us go through 12 losses? I was SO angry at God to the point that I stopped talking to Him on a regular basis. It was a dark dark path.

This weekend God lifted me out of that pit and set my feet upon solid ground, has steadied my feet, and placed a new song on my lips (Psalm 40). He showed up and met me more than half way, and dispelled so many anxious fears (Psalm 34:4-10). As I sat in my seat crying and pouring out my soul to him on paper, giving him the ability to rule over all areas in my life. Something within me broke open, and I am not talking about the waterfall that was a mingling downpour of my tears and nose....but my heart broke as I saw the pain he was feeling for me. I knelt before his throne, going against the pull of Satan once again telling me I didn't need anyone to pray for me or with me. I knelt there, after finishing my prayer on paper. Sobbing there at His feet. When God showed me He had heard my prayers through the lips of another woman.

Everything I had been praying about in my seat, poured out over me like a warm embrace in the form of a prayer for me. And I mean EVERYTHING. She brought up my infertility, my desire to be comforted, my wish for God to see the desires of my heart and change them to match up for what his plan is for us. For him to reign over all areas of my life. To take away the pain and bitterness causes by infertility. To help me to find joy once more. God was there. The Holy Spirit was moving. I do not think there was a dry eye in the entire house.

After I had finally collected myself a little bit I saw two women that asked how I was doing. I said I couldn't even explain how I was feeling and at the same time they both said, "He knows!" like the song "He Knows" by Jeremy Camp "He knows. He knows. Every hurt and every sting. He is in your suffering. He knows." (Listen to it, it is a good one!) More tears fell from my eyes.

Once more, I tried to collect myself. Tears were no longer flowing. The unending flow of snot had ceased it appeared. And then came our pastor's wife. She hugged me, like a warm hug from God. She told me that she felt like she needed to tell me She was proud of me, like God was proud of me. And that He knows....oh man alive. If any part left in me had questioned if any of the moments were from God...they were quenched. Within 15 minutes, 3 women told me that God knew.

He knows my heartache. He knows my pain. He knows my babies. He knows my future. He knows my desires. And for that I can praise Jesus. He isn't a god of wood, gold, or any other metal...he is ALIVE and living. And he cares for me. Even in the midst of deep sorrow. Even when I question if he is listening. He hears the cries of my soul and of my heart. Thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit and for bringing life into my heart soul and mind once again.

The great thing about all of this is that He knows your heart as well. He knows when you rise and when you lie down. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows what you are going to say before you say it. He knows. He wants to bless you, and go before you. He wants to breath life into your dry bones. Nothing can separate you from His Spirit. (Psalm 139) May you wash over that. May you look it up and reflect on it. And ask the Holy Spirit to come and fill you up with all that Jesus is and help you to find that peace that surpasses all understanding. May he wrap his arms around you and may you feel his presence with you in all that you do today. Jesus is alive my friend. It's time that we start living like we believe it. It's time that we give God the glory and allow him to work in all areas of our lives. He is knocking, all you have to do is let him in.