God Has a Funny Sense of Humor

While looking through my drafts I found this completed post I never posted.  It is from April of last year.

 When I was younger, my one goal for having children was to be older than 20 because my mother had me at that age and I wanted to break the cycle.

Little did I know, that God had different plans for me and if I had gotten pregnant at the age of 20 I would have looked at it as such a gift from God.

My goal of waiting to get pregnant....changed when I fell in love with James and got married at the age of 21 and the huge desire to be a mom filled my heart to the brim. James said we needed to wait, so we waited. A year into our marriage with my monthly cycle getting longer and longer I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I will never forget the sound of the nurse's voice over the phone when she told me, "if you want to have children you may want to start trying soon because the longer you wait the more likely the harder it will be. Especially if your cycles continue to get further and further apart."

I was devastated. The thought of not being able to see a little baby that was half James and half myself was disheartening. But I still was unaware of the journey that God had set before us.

3 months into trying, I was ecstatic for the faintest of a pink line to show up! The doctors ordered lovenox for me to begin due to past history of a blood clot, progesterone to be tested, and hcg to be checked 48 hours apart. When they told me I was indeed pregnant but to remain cautiously optimistic due to the low progesterone (it was less than 10; they wanted 15 at more, 20+ even better) my heart dropped and I prayed fervent prayers for God to please, save this baby. 48 hours later, I got the news, all hyped up on dreams and extra progesterone, to quit the progesterone and wait for my miscarriage to begin.

Devastation. I don't know if I had ever cried that hard in my life, when I got the news on the playground at work that day. On thanksgiving the miscarriage began full force, and I was left putting on fake smiles while my insides were hurting.

We had unprotected sex once that cycle after the miscarriage. On Christmas I had a feeling I should test. With much joy, and uneasy optimism a second pink line popped up! We were expecting again! Surely God wouldn't have allowed us to get pregnant again this quickly if this little being wasn't to stay with us.

My hcg (pregnancy hormone) rose accordingly, but my progesterone was once again low. So that meant more excessively tired and weepy Jessica on supplements. When we went in for an ultrasound, there was the little circle of what should be a baby. But there wasn't a visible heartbeat.

So together we cried. We prayed for God to save this baby. I held on to false hope. And got told by the doctor that it was okay to wait if that is what I wished because "there isn't much tissue there anyways" um tissue?, that's our baby! I was SO angry with that doctor (and never saw her during my pregnancy with Matthew).

This time when I finally concluded that the pregnancy wasn't viable I quit the progesterone and assumed within a day the miscarriage would begin. But I was wrong. Labs showed my numbers were dropping but not like they should. It hurts my heart and stomach to talk about these things. At my mom's house in January I had to insert cytotec to help my baby leave my body. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt. That day I flushed what was once a growing baby, down the toilet. And I cried. And I became so bitter towards God.

After our second loss we did testing, SO much testing, we found out I had MTHFR a clotting disorder that also impacts your folic acid absorption. That James definitely had great swimmers. And we then tried clomid for 3 cycles....which I termed menopause in a bottle. Crabbiness, hot flashes, and great ovulation. But still no pregnancy.

At this point I read a blog that talked about how fat was her infertility. And James and I began exercising and counting calories hard core. I decided even if it didn't help me get pregnant, at least I would look darn good trying! It was my motivation during nursing school, my way to relieve stress, and I got the most fit I had been in a very very long time.

Right when I was considered no longer obese....something amazing happened! I got pregnant, and my ovulation was superb so no supplements were needed. But alas, God called that baby home again before I had the chance of seeing anything on ultrasound.

We were so disheartened, and James even mentioned just stopping trying. We contemplated birth control even with my clotting disorder just so we wouldn't have any more heartache. Thankfully we didn't. I thought it to be hilarious when our tickle toes stuffed monkey went off while doing the deed, and in that moment a renewed flicker of hope was placed in my heart. A week later, even before I could test I knew in my heart that we were expecting and this child was going to be our take home baby. I started testing...and testing....and testing and watched the pink line become darker than ever before. Until I decided to go get labs done, and even then I still didn't tell James because I didn't want to see the excitement, worry, and sadness in his eyes.

With awe and a pit in our stomach we waited for our ultrasound. And with tears in both of our eyes we got to see the most amazing thing in life...a beating heart, a baby growing within me. A baby that was ours.

And I laughed. With so much joy. God had blessed us, after 2 years and so many losses.

Our little Matthew (God's Gift) Isaac (Laughter) was born.
He is now 5 months, and has giggled only once (I told you God has a funny sense of humor).

We are so blessed.

Reflections: Our Infertility and Foster Care

HI have been working on this post the past couple of weeks. School has been intense to say the least! Add to it work and all the time spent in my car driving to all of the places I need to go there is little time left for me to reflect and get my thoughts out of my head and onto "paper".

With this most recent loss (number 8 if you missed that part...) and the fact that this month is all about foster care on the radio, I have done much thinking. And talking to God.

And talking to others about our infertility and losses and what it means for our family. I have not gotten insensitive comments this go around. Rather ones filled with hope for us to have more children and of sadness for what we have endured for that hope of maybe a baby. My heart is just sad and I am having a hard time reminding myself sometimes it is okay to be sad for more than a few days. Because infertility and loss isn't fair. It hurts and it sucks. It goes against the grains of nature of how you expect life to go. A parent is supposed to die before their children. Just as I shouldn't have to have this small (realistic) belief that each pregnancy may be another baby in Jesus' lap as I hope to maybe be able to see their face.

While I have been spared comments like "there must have been something wrong with it" this go around more than once I have gotten the questions, "if you can't have any more are you just going to adopt?"

We aren't just going to adopt. No one just adopts (just like no one goes through fertility treatments on a whim...that stuff is expensive and most insurance companies do not cover anything). There is such a huge long process and cost with adoption. Same with foster care. There is training lots of paperwork and a lengthy house study. If adopting from overseas there is those added costs and time off from work to pick them up from their country.

Regardless, if God had chosen to make us super fertile or kept us the way we are now...we would still have been drawn and called to foster care. Because just as infertility doesn't seem fair, it isn't fair the things the children in foster care have to go through. And as much as I wish I could have saved the babies I lost at least I know I can make an impact in a child's life here on earth no matter how short their stay is with us.

Between dreams I have had recently and nudges I have felt from God. Added to a dream one of my friends had confirming what I had dreamt by telling me what God had showed her in a prayer...I do believe there is one more pregnancy for me that leads to a healthy baby. But I haven't had any confirmation that we will have more than that. Biologically at least.

There are so many babies that are being grown in my heart it isn't funny. James and I have always wanted a large family. In today's age 4 kids is large. I loved being one of four. And James has joked about having 7 (so not to have to pay taxes lol). But honestly if God said we were to have 2 bio children and 5 adopted. Who would I be to say no if that was the plan he had for me...even if it meant getting a Duggar sized vehicle to drive around.

What I am saying is...I am at the point to where I have realized I NEED God in the good times and the bad. I NEED to be content with what he has given to us. Even if it is 8 babies in heaven and one in our lap. I cannot compare the path God has chosen for me to the path he has chosen for others.

We run our own race. Towards God not with each other and what we wish we could have on our own time line. I think that is one of the biggest things God has been teaching me. I truly need to trust in Him and the plan He has for us. And stop comparing and wishing for the life he has given to others.

One day we will get that hallelujah call for a baby in the hospital. Just like in my dream and the same love I felt for Matthew will overcome me for a baby that I have grown in my heart instead of my womb. And through the ups and downs of foster care maybe I will learn to appreciate even more what God has taught us through our multiple losses.

One Thing I Can Do Right.

This is a Draft I began in October 

I may not be able to stay pregnant very easily. And I may have to be watched carefully because I am high risk.

BUT the one thing I can do really well is....breastfeed.

In the beginning 6 weeks, where I was exclusively pumping, every 2 hours because Matthew wouldn't latch...you could have asked me then and I would have said even I couldn't do that right.

I persevered and now Matthew is 11 months old without any signs of him wanting to stop any time soon. I am planning on nursing for at least 7 more months.

People may think I am crazy. They find it gross when you breastfeed into toddlerhood. Yet, this is in the US only. The place with the lowest breastfeeding rates. The CDC recommends 6 months of exclusively breastfeeding your child. The WHO recommends at least 2 YEARS of breastfeeding, and further if mom and children wish.

I started out covering up in public. Thinking it was the Christian thing to do, to be modest and all that jazz. Then came the summer when there was NO WAY I was going to cover Matthew up while he nursed, and to be frank he would refuse and you were more likely to see nipple if I tried to cover him up.

Now, I do not cover up but I do my best to maintain modesty. I always wear a cami to cover up my stomach, and then I pull up my top shirt while pulling down my cami. I want to help make breastfeeding the norm, encourage women to at the very least TRY to breastfeed and if possible break our cultural view of breastfeeding being seen as weird or gross. Or better yet increase the number of mom's that make it past 6 months or a year.

Matthew is now 14 months old and is still nursing regularly. I hope to nurse til he self weans. Which I am hoping will be around 2 years. I would love to tandem feed if God chooses to bless us with another healthy pregnancy soon.  With our 8th loss recently my guess would be that it isn't going to happen as I would hope. 

I cannot stay pregnant very well but I am a nursing champion!  :-)

Audacious Prayer

I have been trying to set aside time every night for time with God (I would be lying if I said I haven't skipped a night off and on even though I started January....it is a work in progress). I have been reading a devotional, reading chapters out of the Bible, and just trying to dig deeper into my relationship with Him.

Today's entry was on audacious vs conservative prayer. Can you imagine the Bible with conservative prayers only being answered? Lazerus would have never rose from the dead. Joshua would have never beat Jericho. Daniel would have been eaten by a lion. David would have been taken down by his enemies. And Hannah would have remained childless.

The last part. Made me tear up. Hannah prayed so audaciously that they thought she was drunk. Maybe she was a little drunk...on the love and hope for her to carry a little life. She prayed so big that those looking on thought she was not of a normal state of mind.

Are your prayers audacious? Be it praying for a church building that seems impossible (and is 100% impossible without God). Praying for adoption funds. Praying for a miracle cure. Or prayers for a baby to be conceived after years of infertility and loss.

Pray audaciously and let God in. You may be surprised by the story he decides to write in your life.

Matthew is my reminder that God still answers audacious prayers. And while people look at me as if I am crazy when I say one day we will actively try for a sibling for Matthew.  I know in my heart God answers audacious prayers.

Even if it means people look at me as if I am drunk and I have to walk through tough times to get to his answer. Audacious prayer is always better than conservative prayers.

Blessings in Disguise and Thoughts on Parenting

I wrote this post in December and was once again reading through drafts and decided it was worth sharing.

Earlier this month Matthew burnt his hand on the wood stove at my aunt's house. I knew I needed to take him into the doctor for peace of mind. This fear though radiated within me of worrying about being turned in for neglect or something for him being in an environment that allowed him to be hurt.

Fortunately the doctor put my mind at ease. He told me, "I always tell my kids there are some things you want to learn in the classroom instead of on the field trip. He just learned what 'hot' meant on the field trip today. And probably learned a bit more than he wanted to."

It is true though, isn't it? There are so many things in life you can learn about. Reading about it you can get the gist and sometimes that is all you even could care to know. Other times you find yourself learning way too much about a life topic you never wished or dreamed to know.

As Christians we have a choice when we are handed these poor circumstances to live out. We can look to God and say...okay God this is where I am. Let me learn what I need to, but know I really am not wanting or wishing to go through this any longer. OR we can grow angry, bitter, and focus all our energy on the negative.

We can make choices that lead us into poor circumstances. But some are not up to us at all. Like who our parents are. The choices that others make that can impact us. Or what abilities we have or how God created us.
It is our choice to control our response, look for the take away, and say God thank you for it all.

Life for the Sawdy girls hasn't always been easy. Yet by how giving and loving we are you might not know it. But on the inside of the family structure there has been a weakness in the foundation that is also a strength. My father.

A weakness that is a strength, what?!

You heard me right. He wasn't a nice man growing up. He was verbally abusive. Once he punched in the jaw full force. He told me men would only want me for sex and never once called me beautiful.

Through him I realized the safety in school. In being educated. I thrived. Focused on getting excellent grades. I realized how much a single mom truly does and was thankful more so for my mom. I learned how to have a voice and stand up for what I believe in. And control my temper. I learned what I DIDN'T want my husband to be like. And learned the lessons of what is important to your children to hear from their father. How important it is to not include your children in some conversations, but to always tell them how valued and loved they are. I learned the importance of admitting mistakes and asking for forgiveness.

I learned how truly blessed I am to have James as my husband and how blessed Matthew is to have him as his Dad. I learned this through the field trip of life. By my father doing things when the shouldn't have and not doing things when he should have.

He wasn't always terrible but the times that stick out in my memory are those that impacted my life the most....and they mostly are not pleasant.

Sadly, recently he started telling my littlest sister things I felt were not age appropriate (or factual in any way....much like when he told me Mom shook me as a baby, when I was in 2nd grade mind you). I had to tell him I felt it was inappropriate and not truthful and that if he couldn't speak truth then he wouldn't be around my son in the future because he doesn't need to have things about myself be twisted and skewed into his perceptions that are often times not quite in line with reality. Naturally he went off and started stating I said he wasn't going to be Matthew's grandparent any more. There is more I could go into...but I will spare you the details.

I have come to the conclusion with him I can forgive from afar. Be amicable if in the same room but stop seeking out a relationship because frankly I am not sure it is worth the stress and hurt that it causes. Like the Bible verse about if a body part causes you to sin, get rid of it! Can't I just not have a relationship so I only have to forgive repeatedly over past hurts and anger instead of additional more that takes off the entire proverbial scab off my heart?  This is the point I am at. But, part of me always gets hung up on that Bible verse about honoring your father and your mother. How can you honor someone when you do not feel valued by them?

Parenting is a tricky thing. You impact your child's life immensely. Children are handed to you by God to raise, but ultimately they are His. We can build them up or tear them down. Bring them closer to Christ or push them further away.

Parenting is a blessing God has bestowed on us, and it isn't something to be taken lightly. So what happens when you do not step up and acknowledge that blessing? Can you truly expect your children to honor you?

Heavy Heart.

Loss number seven. Let that weigh on your heart for a minute.

Imagine seven little ones playing together. Seven faceless babies. Seven babies that we will only get to see in heaven.

It weighs heavy on my heart this week. I cannot tell you the excitement I felt when I saw that dark pregnancy test. I knew in my heart (or thought I knew...) that the pregnancy was going to work out and we would get to bring home a baby, and experience a healthy pregnancy like with Matthew.

But my heart was wrong. Because you see with EVERY pregnancy I hope and pray and believe that this pregnancy will be the one to work out. Every single time. But unlike times in the past, I will NOT turn bitter. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean I cannot take time to grieve.

My heart is heavy. I am worn and crushed, and broken. But I have an amazing God. He is a healer. He makes the impossible possible. He is a miracle worker. He can handle my anger. He can handle my sadness. Disbelief. He can hold me when I cry and when I am speechless. But when there is bitterness in my heart, there isn't much room for God.

I can have a heavy heart without having a heart darkened with bitterness.

But when it comes to grieving a lost child it can be a delicate line to balance.

You see every time you hear of a pregnancy. See a newborn. You can be reminded of what you have lost, especially when your heart is heavy. During moments of joy you can see those miracles and thank God for them. But it is a little more difficult with a heart of sadness.

Yet, having Matthew DOES make it easier. I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day, or maybe I was reading a blog...either way there was a woman taking about how her parents lost 4 pregnancies, and had a baby born full term sleeping before they were blessed with her. She was talking about how grateful she was for her parents not giving up on her. For the life they allowed her to have by their faith and determination.

I want Matthew to know that he was worth the heartache, the struggle. And we will endure the same heartache and struggle if that is what God has called us to in order to bring him a sibling. This is 100% not the life I would have chosen for myself. BUT this is 100% the life God has called us to live. And we will do it to the best of our ability, but only because God is strong enough to hold us up while we go through it.

Thank goodness God can hold my heavy heart and still love me unconditionally.

Remembrance Day

Babies, I remember you every day. And I mean EVERY. But some days are harder. Much harder.

Like today. I feel like I haven't done enough to remember you, to celebrate the life that was. That people have and will forget you existed.

And they might.

But I won't. Much like an elephant never forgets, same with the grieving mother...she never forgets either.

I fear some days I am not doing my part to get to meet you in heaven. Not doing my part to remember you. And that makes my heart so very sad.

To our first little one, our Abigail. Father's joy. You were such a blessing. Three months in to trying and it felt like forever. Heartbreak every month that I thought was terrible. And then there was that second pink line. That hope shining through the darkness of news of PCOS and fear of infertility. I clung to hope. And in that hope I got the worst phone call of my life thus far. Telling me I was going to miscarry. You were gone.

That emotion I felt in those few short weeks from seeing that positive close to my birthday to seeing my body miscarry you on thanksgiving...roller coaster to say the least. Daddy still wants us to name a little girl Abigail if we have another, so we may be like Ms. Kay from Duck Dynasty and have another Abigail one day. But we will see.

The second pregnancy came as a shock. A blaring second line, on Christmas. Again hope. Heartbreak. And fervent prayer. Sammy, you will always be remembered. I have your picture. And I carry that image in my heart.

After Sam I got SO bitter and angry. The next 3 losses are our unnamed children. Which makes me sad sometimes because they are not any less important. And I feel I was so wrapped up in my hurt and the unfairness of it all that I never prayed for God to reveal their gender to me or a name to remember them by. I was so hurt, and unable to function at times emotionally. I am SO thankful God was able to hold you in his arms while mommy went through this awful time.

Then we got our Matthew and he has been the light of our world, but also a struggle at many moments. I wonder if you kiddos would look like him, act like him, have the Hillard scowl marks, or the Purdey mole on your foot. I wonder and dream. Quite often.

And I look at big brother and little brother shirts for Matthew, and debate about getting them for him. As a discussion piece. As a way for him to know you better.

Sometimes I wonder if he can see you guys, like the old ladies at work that tell me my children are beautiful. Sometimes he smiles at things I cannot see and I know it is something heavenly, and that leaves you up for grabs.

After Matthew we had one suspected ectopic. A surprise that made me wish I wasn't pregnant at that moment followed by acceptance and excitement. And yet again disappointment and regret for my emotions in the beginning.

To all 7 of my children, the 6 in heaven and the one lying next to me. Never wonder if you are loved. Because you are. Unceasingly, without end. Do not doubt. I loved you before I met you, I loved you before you were conceived, and I love you more each and every day.

My hope in my suffering and loss here on this earth is that in heaven some woman that experienced infertility and loss is able to hold you tight and help keep watch over you until Momma gets there and can squeeze you and fall in love with you all over again.