Be Still

This past weekend was the women’s retreat and it wasn’t the same as years past. I brought Gabby so sleep was a little more interrupted. Less games were played. Less middle of the night chats with friends. More baby snuggles and lots more gear was brought to the retreat.

More things I had never thought I would ever experience.

I missed the first session. My normal happy daughter was suddenly struck with a spirit that made her cry over every last little thing and I was suddenly short, angry, and so over her big emotions. I almost cancelled going to the retreat. No joke. It was so hard to get around, it was so hard to pack the van. It was HARD. After taking to Jen and telling her I wish I wasn’t going essentially. I yelled at Satan and told him he wasn’t going to steal my joy. He wasn’t going to pain my little girl any longer. And most importantly he wasn’t going to stand in the way of God and what he had for me at this retreat.

Then I waited 30 minutes in the Taco Bell drive through. I thought SERIOUSLY?!? But then the small joy was I was able to have Jennifer ride from charlotte to shipshewana with me.

So day 1 wasn’t what I anticipated. We missed the session. So I looked through a friend’s notes and looked forward to day 2.

Be still. What story did Ellen use? Hannah. Oh how this story speaks to my heart. I knew it was going to be good.

A few of my favorite things Ellen said was, “An untold story never heals.” And “Diaries might have ruined us if they continue to be the only place our secrets live. It’s time to expose our secret burdens.”

Maybe this is why I loved blogging while going through infertility. Or why I love writing for others to read if they so choose. It isn’t just for me. It’s the act of freeing this internal burden that I once carried and sharing it not only with others but with our Big Mighty God.

“When you feel God hasn’t fulfilled His promises or covenant you need to fall back on what you KNOW about God.”

I remember a breaking point in my faith. When I had to decide even if God didn’t give us a take home baby I would love Him anyway. I remember after each miscarriage after Matthew again with shaky faith asking God Why? I remember in the quiet stillness of the night while singing along to music and folding laundry I was asked in my heart if I believed he was the same God that created Matthew. And if he did it once, couldn’t he do it again? So I cried out yes! And waited. By loss number 13 my husband was ready for a vasectomy if it meant less pain. I was also trying to take back the reigns from God. I cried in my car one late night coming home from work. Crying out to God about the injustice of it all. And didn’t he promise me another baby? Did I hear him wrong? So he spoke to my heart again, “Do you want to build your family, or build my kingdom?” Was me having children more important than Gods plan for His kingdom of believers? So I prayed for my womb to be closed until he was ready to give me another take home baby. Two years ago at the women’s retreat I prayed for God to reopen it. One year ago I went to the retreat with a big round belly with Miss Gabby inside. This year I had her in my lap. And new prayers flowed from my heart.

For my momma to come to Jesus. For her to sit at a women’s retreat with me and find the love that God has for her. For Gabby and I to share sweet moments at a women’s retreat when she’s older. For Gabby to not have to find God the way I found God but to know Him all the days of her life.

For Matthew to have these moments with James. And late night conversations with me as he ages about the love of God or what Gods been teaching Him in the Bible. About scripture and about life in general.

Be Still. Stop rushing and waiting for the next phase. Flourish where you are planted. God is always available, just take the time to look to Him.

“Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:3-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Hope Returns.

Last June was my last post on this blog. My belly woke me up this morning at 4 am ready for some food. The curse of a pregnant lady? To be in a hotel room at 4 am without her almost nightly snack of cereal whenever your belly says, "feed me!" I can't sleep because I am hungry and because of this amazing respiratory infection I have. So here I am writing at 4:30 in the morning while the boys sleep. 

Last June I was in a bleak bleak spot. My faith in God was growing weak because of the lack of hope that was in my soul. It must have been around then that our son was prompted by God to start praying nightly for a "baby brudder." Every night that I was home for bedtime, and sometimes when I was doing the dishes or snuggling him on the couch Matthew would say, "Let's pray for a baby Momma."

I remember one night after at least 2 weeks of these unceasing prayers, I finally broke down and cried out to God. For the first time in a long time, I let my guard down and my heart open up to Him about my hurt and fear. I specifically remember praying, "God do not let this little boy's heart be crushed like mine was. You know the desires of both of our hearts Lord. Do not take away his hope and childlike faith."

Around that time James and I started, yet again, to try living a healthier lifestyle. The Keto diet this time. In August I broke out in this crazy itchy rash that was ALL over. I thought it was a Keto rash, or possibly scabies, because you know...I'm a nurse and I don't do bugs. So naturally, that's where my head went. Almost 2 weeks of steroids were started and the rash faded.

What increased during the time of steroids was my fatigue, hunger, and insomnia. I decided everything was due to the steroids. I joked with the girls at work when my period was late that I would just take a pregnancy test so my period would show up. Well, that morning after work I took a pregnancy test. My period never showed up, but a bright pink second line did before I was even done going potty. 

I said choice words in disbelief (Holy Shit! Fuck! In case you were curious). I couldn't bring myself to celebrate. Others celebrated for me, but in those early weeks I couldn't. I was so pessimistic. With 13 miscarriages behind me I was less than optimistic. Then came the cost of lovenox, the blood thinnner that I need to be on for my clotting disorder and repeat miscarriages. It was over 700 a month. I cried bitterly, refusing to pay that much for another miscarriage to happen. So I bought like 5 injections at a time. Small steps in the right direction. In those first weeks we spent over $1,000 on this medication until my new doctor prescribed me heparin - much cheaper but also more of a pain, shots twice a day instead of once. 

I had an early ultrasound and the heartbeat was beautiful. James and I were in shock I think and feeling rather blessed to be looking and hearing a beating heart of another baby. My hope started to soar. Around 9 weeks I had a scare at work. I had a subchorionic hematoma seen on the first ultrasound. I hadn't had any spotting up until this point but had been warned that it could happen. I was so crampy that night at work. I was hydrating and praying against a miscarriage. When I went to the bathroom and found out I was spotting and passed a bright red dime sized clot. My heart dropped and I cried. 

Dr. Walker got me in before his office hours that morning. Our little nugget was thriving and well. He prayed with me before leaving that appointment and fear left me. I told my husband on my way home that I was tired of living in fear and that it was time to tell Matthew. I told him, that if we are sad over another loss that Matthew was a smart boy and would know something was wrong. We talked about if that was the road we ended up walking through that we would need to figure out how to walk it together as a family. 

Before telling Matthew about being pregnant, he solidified for me that things were probably going to be okay. He was playing with toys, when he simply looked up at me and said, "I'm probably going to have a baby sister before I have a baby 'brudder' and it's going to be okay." I had no doubt that God was speaking to him. Especially when I asked why he thought that and he responded, "Jesus told me."

When we shared with Matthew the ultrasound it was the most precious sight. I wish I could have taped it but it was so intimate and perfect. He initially believed that the heartbeat strip was a snake. Then slowly it hit him that it was a picture of a baby, and he guessed that it was him when he was a baby. Tears threatened to roll out of his eyes when we told him the picture was what was in my belly. He exclaimed, "It's probably my baby sister!" He told me that he was so excited that he might cry when I told him he was going to be a big brother. He was so overjoyed and it made James and I tear up to share this perfect moment with him. 

I retell of this story to say a year can change many things. My hope that was so dashed and torn last year is alive and thriving. Brought on by prayers from a 4 year old boy. Prayers that I definitely wasn't brave enough to initiate and pray for myself. My faith was failing. But the faith of our little Matthew was strong. 

I am 32 weeks. At the women's retreat I was retelling our story to the speaker of our infertility and repeat pregnancy loss, the blessing of our son, and our daughter that is currently growing in my womb. She reminded me, like my friend DeAnn did with Matthew, that I was like Hannah from the Bible. 

She took these precious moments that reminded me that God is faithful. I told her the name we had chosen and she said, "She who walks with God." She went on to say that like Hannah our babies will be special. That while every child is special ours will be even more so and definitely be used by God. She prayed over Gabby and I. My spirit was lifted, and I was reminded: God is enough.

God is enough for every situation. My heart may change. The years may pass. My emotions may change. The years may pass. My emotions change. But God never changes. God is steadfast and remains the same. He cares for me in every situation. Even when I didn't have faith to give him the time of day. 

This week my devotional has me reading 1 Samuel. It brings back all the feels. The same God that saw Hannah's hurting heart is the same God that sees me. He's the same God that sees you in whatever your life circumstance is. Don't lose hope. Cling to Him. Because our God is faithful. Even when our faith is week. 

Hope

Can I be honest with you for a moment? Facebook reminds me today that in 2012 we announced that we were finally expecting Matthew. In 2015 I posted on father's day about never knowing if we would ever get to be parents. And where am I at in 2017? Lost at sea possibly, lost among dreams never realized, among pieces of broken heart, on tear stained ground that once held a sea of tears that has long dried up.

Every month and year that passes, if I'm honest with myself, my hope for the future slowly dies. The hope for future children that is. If I'm ever so honest with myself my faith in God starts to fade as my hope dies. I'm fairly certain they go hand in hand. When I am walking closer with God, I know that He holds my babies in His hands. I know that one day Matthew will (probably) have a sibling. I know whose I am and who I am. I don't know how it happens, slowly day by day I turn away from God and choose to follow attainable fleshly desires instead of those that threaten to hurt my heart.

I used to have this amazing community online of fellow bloggers that I felt like I truly knew and connected with because we were walking the same path together. Now a days, I feel like a stranger to most people. How many people have you met that have lost as many babies as we have? How do I relate to people that can accidentally look at someone the wrong way and get pregnant? Why did the Lord place the desire in me to be a labor and delivery nurse? Seems bizarre to me, "I think we'll let her have infertility and joy in working with mom's and babies." I have lost my joy in the Lord lately friends. Stuck between loss of hope and fear to hope once more. That's where I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's a dismal place truly.

Because when you lose hope in one area of your life I think it saps energy and hope from other areas of your life. It saps joy from all other aspects. It's this horrid cyclic event that is never ending until you focus your eyes on Jesus. And I guess that's what I am going to try to do. I might be struggling to stay above water but at least I know the one who created me in His image, no matter how often I may think he created me quite imperfectly (Hello unicornuate uterus and my plethora of issues).

Today I am praying along side of Psalm 38. The cry of David asking God to remember him. I know that our God is a God who bows low to listen to the cries of my heart. They do not enter a deaf ear. Something I am trying to reteach myself. I'm trying to remind myself that there is always room for hope because God is a God who loves and who hears my every cry.

"I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh."

Psalm 38:8-9

"I am waiting for you, O Lord..."

Psalm 38:15

"Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God. 

Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior."

Psalm 38:21-22

Struggle Bus

Lately I have been the driver of the struggle bus. No joke. Everything seems hard. My anxiety is coming back. I may need to get back on medication type of anxiety.

I used to be able to write without worrying who would read or what they would think. Sometimes I don't know that lady anymore. Sometimes I am just exhausted 24/7 and I think it is working night shift.

Other times I remember giving up caffeine when I wanted to get pregnant so badly. I was working nights. I spent time alone with God quite often. We made it to church weekly. I didn't go to Bible Study but we met with friends more frequently. Working nights I was able to exercise daily and somehow have energy on my days off.

My lifestyle lately is so different. Night shift has me a zombie during the daylight hours. On days off Matthew and I have been known to sleep in until 10 or 11. I feel like a slug and slowly beginning to look like one as more days then not I become one with the couch and my double chin eats my neck.

You can laugh. But I'm being honest here.

I started playing my clarinet in a band which was so good for me...but it also meant giving up Women's well. I stopped going to my Bible Study. And the only group I remained somewhat connected to was my MOPS group because I signed up to serve. We have transitioned from the family that used to go to churc weekly sometimes for both services to going like once a month.

If I am placing my feet in a church service once a month you can probably imagine how often my hands and eyes are on a Bible. I just went 8 days without barely batting an eye at reading the devotions on my phone.

The same phone that comes with me everywhere. It's so annoying.

Tonight a good reminder came from Matthew as he, in his overly tired state, sobbed that our gold impala is (finally) going to the junk yard tomorrow. He sobbed that he loved the gold car. That it was fast, his favorite. That he wished we had put new parts on it to drive it instead of our red car. He was a hot mess.

And then God spoke to both of us at once. I told Matthew about how the Bible says not to store up our treasures on Earth. That the things here don't matter because they aren't alive and won't spend forever with God.

His 4 year old response? "I don't want them to take the car to the crusher machine. I don't want the car to get killed."

I tried explaining that things like cars aren't alive. I don't think I got through. But man alive it was so sweet to see him sobbing and saying good bye to that Gold rust bucket. But I couldn't help but wonder how often God feels like that about me? The parent bemused that the kiddo isn't comprehending the life lesson that's trying to be taught.

Probably too often if I am honest.

I'm doing a devotion on walking with God through Miscarriage on my Bible app. It said, "God wants our trust put in Him alone, not our circumstances.  God has allowed certain circumstances in each of our lives so that we can in return use these experiences to bring Him glory as well as help others who are going through the same thing."

In the past I have known this and clung to it. Lately I haven't been thinking at all about God instead thinking about me and earthly things. So here's to hoping for change. And the Bible says all that hope will not be put to shame. ♡

Dear me.

Hey there,
It's been awhile. And this is going to get kind of personal. And real. I haven't spent time with pen against paper or fingers against keyboard. Unless it has been to chart or write down frequency and duration of contractions or charting on my patients.

Meanwhile, my heart feels further and further from God. If I'm honest further and further from myself and from my husband. I'm not myself lately. And I know where it stems from.

Usually my identity is in Christ. The past year or so my identity has been Jessica...a labor and delivery nurse. Jessica a mom to Matthew. Wife to James. A sometimes funny lady who cares about others. A lady who says bad words more frequently. A lady who doesn't invest in friendships, her marriage, or her relationship with Christ. A lady that says more and more mean and sarcastic things. A lady who has started to wonder how I used to be the person who leaned on God as much as I used to. It's messed up.

I found a 3 page journal entry while cleaning yesterday. It was admit my nursing school notes. My heart was so open and honest with Christ. Honest with where I was at in life. I haven't been there in a long time.

It was so raw and you could sense the eager yearning to be in the presence of Christ. I have somehow lost that burning fire at the moment. I have instead turned to myself to do life on my own accord. I have become something of a shadow of my old self. The self that I was before I came to know Christ.

So dear me...I guess this is my official resignation to stop living that life. That life for me. That selfish lifestyle. This is my declaration that things are going to get better. Things do not fill your cup. Christ does.

Life has its ups and downs but seriously your valleys away from Christ shouldn't last this long. Get your act together sister.

Sincerely,
The fed up version of you.

Broken Record

The last post I wrote was last August. About my walk with God and how it hasn't been a priority in my life. Well it's now May and I sit in the same spot. Actually maybe further from where I was because occasionally I feel the pull to get closer to Christ and instead choose to play some version candy crush or eat some more chocolate. Or binge watch my newest obsession. Which recently was re-reading and then re-watching all of the Harry Potter books and movies.

Yesterday Matthew and I went to kindergarten round up. He struggled on his little test with the teacher, who was cute and younger mind you, something that makes Matthew zip his usually chatty mouth. He did what I expected. He couldn't say his ABCs, count to 10, or do all of his colors in the presence of this beautiful lady. He's such a boy. I know this. But insert mom guilt.

Have I made the wrong choice not doing preschool? How is he going to go to school 5 days a week when he hasn't had to go at all? Doesn't our society demand too much learning on our kids too young now a days? Should we home school after all? Am I capable enough to home school if he doesn't even know those mere basics in front of pretty ladies?

Or how about this past Monday when we went to the dentist, which I knew it had been awhile. I'm a self titled slacker mom. It's been over a year, maybe closer to 2. I'm learning I am a person that has to have a dental appointment on the calendar set up early or it doesn't happen time gets away from me. But alas, this dental appointment pushed in those "bad mom fangs". And I've been having a hard time extracting them from my thoughts and heart. Not only will my son likely be a toothless wonder with all four front teeth missing for his first day of school but he also doesn't know his ABCs.

This anxiety and self-doubt isn't about Matthew. I know he is smart. He's fun. He's loving. As others say to sum it up, "He's a hoot!" I don't know a person that has met Matthew that hasn't fallen in love with who he is in a whole. And that means I'm not a bad mom.

Add all of these crazy feeling up with the fact that the ugly day of Mother's day is coming up and all the mixed emotions that my heart feels towards this day. And that my period is taking it's sweet ass time to get here. Hormones talking, don't mind me. It leave me wallowing in self-pity once more.

Tears in my eyes, thinking to myself, "Maybe I'm a bad mom and that's why God hasn't allowed us to have more babies." There I said it. Logically I know this isn't true. God give babies to crack addicts and child molesters, which I assure you I'm clearly neither of these. But I may have had the thought of being a real life baby snatcher to one of these types of parents.

So here I am, Matthew is 4.5 years old. James and I have been married for almost 8 years. And here I sit on the couch tearing up over thinking I'm a bad mom. I'm 60 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant with Matthew and struggling to find truth. I turn off the TV and do something I haven't done in quite sometime. Turn up the worship, open up my Bible app and read. Asking God to show me the real truth.

The verse of the day is Hebrews 11:1, "Faith shows the reality of what we hope for, it is the evidence of things we cannot see." I smiled a little and knew the it was what I needed today. I read Chapter 11. The chapter on great faith. Something I have been lacking lately.

Spattered among the great giants of our faith were verses I had previously highlighted. Words that spoke truth to me and took me away from the edge that I was teetering on labeling me a parenting failure. My eyes have not been on Christ. So I, like a broken record, am at the same spot I have been for a few years now off and on. Trying to clear the brambles in the way of the unkempt path that is my walk with Christ.

Simply Tuesday

The past year several years I have struggled to consistently keep Jesus as my guide and first in my life. Sometimes I feel like that person who is able to not stand still against the waves of life. Or the seed that falls on the different grounds other than fertile soil. Except for when things get tough, my faith usually gets stronger. I tend to have my faith grow much like that of a Yo-Yo diet. I do awesome for awhile but then things are going well so...I decide it isn't as important. When things are going well...well, I tend to make due with what's going on in life and put God on the wayside. Like maybe on the 19th floor in the Wayside School books by Louis Sachar (P.S. I had to look the author up, I am not that good. But if you or your kids haven't read them I remember thinking they were hilarious in Elementary school). You know, the 19th floor right? The floor that well...doesn't exist.

Yup I said it. Sometimes I act like I am more part of the world than a child of God. My Bible has been read sporadically at best this past year. My prayer life has been pretty dry, only because I not offer up the cup to feel refreshed. We haven't tithed more than a meager amount during our "good months". When I don't have accountability with others to keep me looking for Christ in the midst of life things become a hot mess in the faith department. Sure I notice Him during the "big" times but what about in between? 

Tonight I decided to pull the plug and dive into a closer relationship with Christ once more. Even if it means watching fewer Bones episodes or drooling over new LuLaRoe patterns and styles. I bought Simply Tuesday by Emily P. Freeman sometime in May. It has been on my wishlist to read since attending Momcon last year when I heard her speak. Instead of reading it right away it has sat, collecting dust (because who has time to dust when there are unwatched episodes of Bones or LuLaRoe clothing to be discovered and stalked), on my end stand or on the floor next to it for the past 3 months. 

Earlier today I actually thought, "How do people find time to read anymore? I really should find the time." Simply...they don't watch Bones and drool after LuLaRoe (or insert whatever it is that consumes your time). So here I am, on Tuesday...starting Simply Tuesday. And let me tell you, I don't think it is going to disappoint.

So often we yearn for the big, important things in life...fame, recognition, being honored or acknowledged. We wish to have nicer things and to make more money to do things like go on vacation or purchase a newer vehicle. While those things are nice, it's now how most of our days are spent. Emily states, "Most of life happens, not in brightness or in darkness, but in the medium light of a regular day." 

Where are you getting your light from on your regular days? Are you searching for worldly things to give you light? Trying to work harder to be acknowledged and seen by the world? Or does your light come from your faith in Christ as he shines out from you to the world? Are you embracing your smallness. The moments where you are able to talk about Christ to patients or coworkers in a fleeting moment. Or the moments when you are picking up toys for the 15 millionth time in the day (or your husbands socks!)? Or what about when you are doing dishes or cooking dinner? These moments matter. So isn't it time we embrace these moments and seek God out during these times? It is time for me to embrace that cleaning up my house is a blessing because it means that we have these things to take care of. I have food to cook so it means we will not go hungry. I may not have all the things in life that I desire, but God has given me what I need. It's time to find contentment among the ordinary business of life. 

It's time to discover Christ in the midst of my ordinary days. Why don't you join me? Christ never disappoints, He is always available to chat, and He is yearning for you to draw nearer to Him.