Bittersweet

Tonight I was pouring my heart out to God. Sorting through left over, painful scars from infertility. Wounds that I wish would heal without anymore pain.

Wounds that I wish I could forget most days. Wounds that I feel have tainted my joy for others some days. Especially when I see reflections or remember where we were 4 years ago. Facing our fifth loss with only a tiny thread of hope left. Only to have Christ sweep in and deliver this amazing little miracle to us, our goofy boy named Matthew.

You see, I want to fully rejoice with those who rejoice over having a baby instead of the painful reminder bubbling up time and time again. I desperately want Christ to remove our infertility or to remove the pain and desire to carry another baby in my womb.

And then I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, "Do you want another baby more? Or would you rather build my kingdom?"

I don't know fully the meaning of it. But I do know with my heart and soul I do not want to get in the way of God. I want people to choose Him. I know our story can be part of that. But it is so darn hard to walk this path.

I am learning so many things about myself since starting this antidepressant/antianxiety medication. Feeling things I haven't allowed myself to feel in quite some time. I carry a wounded heart that only Jesus can heal. A wounded heart that he looks at and sees a masterpiece in the making. Even if I am feeling like a mess in the moment.

It's a little bittersweet to know that because of my hope in Christ it makes it possible to have hope in circumstances such as these, even when the sense of hopelessness tries to take over. It is bittersweet to know that even in my brokenness God wishes me no harm, but rather to use it for His Kingdom. Some days my heart says, "Bring it!" And other says, I want to hide and not move from my couch.

And then I hear the sweet whispers of Christ, in the midst of the darkness, crying out to me, come home. Let me tell you all that you have ever done. Let me help you walk through the tough times. Let me help you find joy and laughter once more.

And I answer, Lord I am coming. Help me walk through this. Let me see my life through your eyes.

Raw.

Lately it has been pretty chaotic and stressful here at the Hillard household. Sickness has been keeping a hold of me. Between sinus infection that would not clear up, migraines from high blood pressure, anxiety, a stomach bug, and oh did I mention high blood pressure and anxiety?

I have been struggling with sleep for a long time now, but it has culminated itself in exhaustive zombie modes brought on by insomnia. I have had nights where I literally feel so exhausted and go from area to area trying to sleep. At one point I may have lied on the couch and hit my pillow because I was so frustrated and wanted to sleep. My brain wouldn't shut off about all the anxieties of the day, or the anxieties of what the future may hold.

I am usually able to function on minimal sleep. I can usually grin and bear it. I can usually formulate words when I am exhausted without much issue. Add anxiety and a "mild" depression as termed by my physician, I feel like a slobbering mess most of the time. I cannot tell you how many times over the walkie at work I have said to my staff mid sentence, or middle of a sentence that should be forming but is not coming out correctly, "I promise, I can say words....just maybe not right now."

I literally feel stuck to my couch some days with anxieties of all the to do lists that I have to do. Not joking. I can usually fake a smile when out and about or when I am able to forget everything that is pressing in around me...but lately the couch has been glued to my glutes. And my eyes glued to a screen. Counseling may be in my future. Which causes more anxiety because of finances.

I just kind of feel numb towards life lately. I miss laughing. Like big belly laughs with snorts included. Laughter until you cry. Carefree smiles and fun times with friends. I keep trying to tell myself once you are done with school. Or once finances start to look better. Or...you get the picture. But the fact of the matter is, I have been spiritually dry lately. 

I haven't been looking to Christ to fill me with his promises. It is so easy for me to keep my eyes on my circumstances of life when I take out Godly influences such as church, small group, and MOPs. Most of it isn't by choice, it is the season I am at in life. And the fact that I have been trying to fill myself up by the things at life that may fill my physical "needs" but do nothing for spiritual growth and sustenance.

I have now been taking an antidepressant for approximately a week. Let me tell you, it is amazing to sleep. I am sure the giving up caffeine on most days and doing my best not to nap is helping amazingly, but to sleep all night long?! What an amazing feeling!! I haven't slept this well in such a long time. Possibly since before having Matthew. I am not even joking, 3 years is a long time to live life on crappy sleep.

The day I made the phone call to ask for the doctor to squeeze me in to discuss an antidepressant I almost threw up. Literally, I choked back the taste in my mouth and felt so nauseated. How did I get to that pit? Last week I felt so raw with the realization that I had let myself believe the lies of Satan. I had taken my eyes off Christ. I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped actively listening to worship music. Podcasts were not played. I stopped going to group even when I was able to go. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by life. I focused on the problems or potential problems of the future instead of remembering that my feet were on the rock and keeping my eyes above the waves of life. I was like that person tossed around by the sees of life.

Even now Satan tries to whisper to my heart at times, "See you are indeed that seed that was planted on crappy soil. You cannot even grow your roots down deep enough into Christ to live victoriously. You will always be bound in my chains." Admitting that makes my heart pound harder and faster.

Christ and the Bible teach the opposite. Christ was pierced for my transgressions, all of the sin of the past, present, and future were upon Him. Through His death the chains of sin were broken. Death couldn't hold Him down. And because of God's plan, the death and life of Jesus Christ, and the presence of the Holy Spirit I can live in victory. If only I make the conscious choice to do so.

Hope for the Holidays

This month I have been reflecting on how mighty our Lord is, and how I let life get me down. When feeling down the darkness invades and I cannot help but remember all of the heartbreak that holidays bring to so many. Us included. The ache from wanting a baby before we had Matthew, to the complicated ache that we now experience of wanting another child but not wanting to admit we want to try for another because of the multiple losses and heartbreak we experienced on that journey of actively trying to conceive. The ache of dreams not coming true, of babies that never got to know our faces. And then I see him. His name is Matthew. Our precious little miracle that You protected and brought into our lives.

Then I think of You God. All of the pain and joy you must have felt on the day of Christ's birth. The pain of knowing all that the future held for Jesus. The joy of seeing your son in the flesh, the joy of knowing all that would come to know you and be called children of God because of the sacrifices your son Jesus made for us. The sorrow of seeing your son treated as harshly as he was, the pain you had to feel for him as he was on the cross. 

You knew all of this at His birth. And yet you let Him live it, so he could be the sacrificial lamb that shows us the way to You Lord. My heart cannot even comprehend...

It brings me back to the moment where Jesus in Luke 22:42 says,
"Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."

It makes me think of the cup that you gave us. This bitter inducing cup of infertility and loss. And I think of all of the times I have asked you to take this cup from us. To heal me from infertility and bless us with healthy pregnancies. Yet, I desperately want your will to be done, not mine. So the cup stays in my hand, like that thorn in Paul's side.

You have given me so much strength in my weakness, strength that I would rather have never known. In circumstances that I wish would never have happened. Yet, especially during the holidays I find myself identifying with what the world would label me instead of who You call me. I struggle through feelings of inadequacy due to not being able to have babies without struggle, of not being able to purchase the presents that I wish we could give, of not having Christmas decorations up in a put together home. It emphasizes how much of a misfit I often feel in this world. It leads to more struggles with what the world may call me due to where we are in life. The more I hear the false identities of the world, the more I forget my identity in Christ. The less time I spend reading Your promises.

Lord even in the hardness of this Holiday season, my heart still wants more of you and less busy chaos. I pray that is the echo of my sisters in Christ as well. 

There are glimmers of hope and the cheerfulness of giving in this season that peak through the moments of sorrow and darkness. Spreading the light of Jesus, just when I needed it. When I get the text from a friend saying she wants to help me out around the house, something I had been praying for...real authentic friendship that sees a need and answers it. Someone that isn't afraid to step into this messy life I have and parent their children right beside us. To someone literally giving us a vehicle when James' truck broke down. Like literally GIVING us a car. This is the second time this has happened to us. I'm not kidding, why do I even question the goodness of you God? To the friend that in the midst of me feeling alone in my brokenness and hurting this holiday season says, "Jess, I had to step away from Facebook. The pregnancy announcements and babies were getting to me." She gets my heart and I get hers. We are excited for the women and their families, yet too often it feels like salt in our wounds and dashed dreams.

People ask what we are getting Matthew for Christmas. I answer a few small things. But what I really want Matthew to have for Christmas more than any play thing or gift under the Christmas tree is an authentic, real, giving heart that beats to the beat of Jesus and hands and feet that go where the Holy Spirit tells him to go. 

I started out this week feeling rather hopeless and disappointed by life. But it is the authentic, real people that pointed my focus back to Christ and showed me that there is hope to still have a Merry Christmas. There is still some happiness in the holidays. 

That my friends is what I want to give Matthew more than gifts under a tree. In the midst of hard times, I want him to know there is always hope in Christ.

Rollercoaster

I have been struggling quite a bit lately. My faith walk with God has felt like a roller coaster lately, except for the low points instead of feeling exhilarating with that pit in your stomach that brings excitement and adrenaline....the low points bring isolation, loneliness, condemnation from Satan, lies being whispered (or shouted) in your ear, and this leach that sucks joy from your life.

Yes this is where I have been. Disappointment with placement in clinical. Self condemnation for poor house keeping skills, condemnation for needing to finish school and work and have this beautiful blessing that most days I feel I do not deserve, and in turn start to believe that I am not deserving of another baby one day.

Listening more to what the world says gives me value. Comparing myself with others. Condemning myself for every little thing that I am not doing good enough, every little thing I am not able to hold up to standards set by myself. I haven't laughed much. I haven't read my Bible much. Praying comes at night time and during the day time often filled frustrated words, even sometimes filled with cuss words, towards God because I have been in this horrible place where my tongue has definitely not been tamed. 

I love the exhilarating heights and despise the isolating lows. And unfortunately in my walk as a Christian I have found myself in the pits more often than I would care to admit. And definitely more often than I believe Christ wants me there. 

I'm not certain what the walk with Christ is supposed to be like. I know that everyone's journey is different. But I am not certain how many Christians would agree that it feels like you are a passenger on a Rollercoaster ride. I believe our walks should be more like a dirt road where you continue on in spite of any bumps, rocks, potholes, or stinky roadkill. You don't mind pay much attention to the steep hills or winding paths because of your steadfast walk beside Christ. 

As much as I love Rollercoasters I am so ready to get off from this emotionally and spiritually daunting ride and trade it in for a more intimate, steady relationship with Christ.

October

This month stirs up so many emotions in me from reflecting upon those 5 precious lives we lost before Matthew, to the 7 we have lost since Matthew, to the women still walking infertility, to those wishing and praying for a precious baby to call their own after loss, to the parents that buried their babies that were called to heaven too soon, and the families of early loss that are left wondering if they had a son or daughter.

It makes my heart ache. It always has. Even before I walked this road I would cry when it was spoke about on the radio, cried as a friend reached out and told me about her loss and their struggle with trying to conceive.

In that valley, it can feel so dark. So lonely. So isolating. I turned my back on God during that time...going through the motions. I stopped praying. I stopped speaking to him. I focused on the pain, the hurtful words spoken unknowingly by others. Until one day late at night, doing laundry and listening to worship music...I found God again. Tears fell down my face as I declared it was enough. I was tired of feeling defeated. I was tired of feeling hopeless. I leaned on scripture harder than I can honestly say I have ever done in my walk with the Lord.

I wanted to be able to come out filled with joy and Jesus in spite of our circumstances so that this Psalm would be able to ring true for my life.

He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
PSALM 40: 3, NLT

I can't say that life has always been easy since that moment. Life seems to always get in the way of living with and for Jesus, doesn't it? At least for me anyways, I stumble and I fall but when I remember to find my footing on Jesus and seek the hope and joy that I have in Him and find the strength to face another day. Most of the time with the ability to smile and laugh at the day to come.

Infertility Strikes

I found this edited post back from January 2015, and it broke my heart to read it, but is such a great reminder of the rawness in my heart at times. 

I am most comfortable in my skin when there is a pen in my hand or facing a screen pouring my heart and soul into thoughts visible for the world to see. Much easier to pour the words out with tears running down cheeks than letting them flow uncomfortably in front of others at times.

My heart is breaking again. We are officially the most fertile infertile couple I know. Staying pregnant is our issue. I don't know which is worse, never seeing a positive test or now saying we have 12 babies in Jesus' lap. So many comments have came flooding in the past month and a half. "Maybe you guys should think about stopping trying." "Maybe you need to let your body rest." "Maybe you should take a break" "It's too painful to continue this way." "At least you have Matthew." "Again?!" And then the people that get it say things like "Matthew really is a miracle." "My heart is breaking for you, I am so sorry."

I'm to the point that every baby deserves to be celebrated...but I am weary of the loss. The grief. The looks or comments that make me feel stupid for having hope. Much like the same voices that tried to make me doubt that whisper from God that he would bless us. When we were a year and a half into trying and 3 or 4 losses at that point.

I don't know why he chose this path for us to be on. I hate the fact that we have so many babies waiting for us in Heaven. Some days it makes me feel like a baby killer, other days it makes me so angry and sad that God would create life just to take it away.

It has impacted both of us terribly. My heart hurts on an almost daily basis. James has almost reached the last straw. We have to make a time to sit down and talk about how many more losses we will go through before James goes to get snipped. My heart mourns that talk, that decision, possibly as equally as our losses. Closing the door. Telling God we aren't welcoming him to move in the expansion of our family or having faith that he can sustain a pregnancy in my hostile uterus.

I wonder often if this ache is one that will never go away. It may fade but, you cannot erase the impact of infertility. It has drawn James and I closer together. It has put a wedge between some friends and family. It has wounded my ability to feel fully comfortable with friends at times because I have one foot in feeling infertile and yearning for more children and the other in motherhood. That might not make sense to some.

I know no one in person that has my same issues with infertility. It can feel lonely sometimes. Disheartening.  Maddening.

One thing is for certain I am not ready to throw in the towel but rather make sure we have the kitchen sink ready to be thrown at our issues before we close this door.

Obedience.

Things have not been rainbows and butterflies in the Hillard household lately. Things have been tough.

Times has been filled with me totaling out good vehicle (that was one way to get out from that debt I suppose...bright side? UGH), feeling like a failure at being able to lead a small group, dying appliances...and basically walking away from God. A couple of weeks ago I realized it had been a month since I had last read my Bible somewhat regularly. I felt like weeping, but still am struggling to change it.

God has been trying to woo me back to him. I was listening to a podcast from Impact Church in Lowell and it was on Ester. It was like God was speaking to my heart. In the story Jews are about to face a huge persecution from the King's right hand man. Ester is the King's wife. And she has never told him that she was a Jew! Talk about little talking before marriage! The man that had raised her growing up petitions her to talk to the King, break tradition and come before him and ask him to save them!

I felt like it was God saying to me. If you keep quiet at such a time as this, regardless of what is going on in your life, those in your life that aren't saved I will find a way to reach them, those that are hurting that you know? someone else will help them find relief. But what about your family? What about you friends? What if they die without knowing Christ? I made you for such a time as this, you are to grow where you are planted. Keep your eyes on me.

August 12th God tried to speak to me once more, wooing me closer to him. Making me ache for time with him. I posted on facebook what I heard him say to me, 

"You don't need to stay in the dry valley. Especially as long as you build your camp up in false comfort. You are meant to stand on me as your strong foundation. To rise on my wings like eagles, and to run without growing weary. Stop trying to face this world on your own strength. I know it is tough. But seek me first. Choose joy in the midst of it all. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to face these struggles without us on your side. Stop believing I don't know and don't care about what is going on in your life. Stop picking the burdens back up that you once laid at our feet. While you are weak, I am strong. So pack up your camp and let's get moving. I have bigger plans for you than this dry valley. It's time to bring your dry bones to life. ~ God."

But still I didn't take the time. We even saw prayers answered in receiving a used fridge for free. My little 2.5 year old son asks during prayer time to pray for the church, and doesn't settle when we just pray for Kilpatrick. He will repeat church again, and we pray for the community. When I ask him one more time what we should pray for he will again say the church until I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to move in the United States and in nations around the world that face persecution for their belief. Then he goes back to his routine of praying for Daddy, the gym, and various other people intermittently. Even talking about this makes my heart almost skip a beat and Godbumps to form. This little boy has been covered in so many prayers for him to help be a light in this world, and I in the same fear that I have towards God see the work that could be in effect from those prayers to God. 

But still I haven't made it a priority to seek God First. I have been praying on and off the past couple of days for God to return to being my first love. To seek first the Kingdom of God. But still haven't made the time to read my Bible daily. I feel guilty devouring the Left Behind Series once more when I should be looking forward to reading the Bible as eagerly as I have been listening to these stories. 

This weekend is the Engage conference at Kilpatrick. I looked forward to it expectantly. And I have not been disappointed. The answer has been here all along. We have been disobedient. We haven't tithed 10% consistently since before Matthew was born, and regular tithing has been as sparse as grass in the desert. If you are not obedient to God, how can the Holy Spirit dwell in you consistently?